Transcript

(0:02 - 0:17)
God's design for marriage is found in Matthew chapter 19. Jesus said, at the beginning, the creator made them male and female. For this reason, a man will leave his mother and father and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

(0:18 - 0:36)
Welcome to By Design from American Family Radio. Welcome to the show. My name is Walker Wildman, and my wife Lexi is in studio with me on radio, on podcast for the first time ever.

(0:36 - 0:41)
Lexi? Yes. I am here. Glad you are joining me.

(0:41 - 1:07)
I'm just super excited. The By Design project, the By Design podcast is a production of American Family Association and American Family Radio, and what we really want to focus on here, and you heard a little bit about it in the opening, is we want to focus on God's design. God's design for marriage.

(1:07 - 1:57)
And as you look throughout culture, look throughout American society, we oftentimes can see what is wrong with society, what is going in the wrong direction as it relates to God's word, but sometimes it's good to talk about what is right, and what God has to say about marriage, what God has to say about human sexuality, and so that's what we're here to talk about is God's design for marriage, which is hence the name of the show, By Design. And before we jump into the topics today, I want to remind you that you can always listen to American Family Radio by visiting our website, afr.net. You can also download our AFR app on your Apple device or your Android device. Just type in AFR.

(1:58 - 2:20)
It's free and easy to download the app, and you can listen to shows like By Design and others there on our app. Lastly, to read more information about this project, the By Design project, just visit our website, afa.net forward slash By Design. Lexi, jumping right into this, we've got a couple topics.

(2:20 - 2:40)
The main topic we're going to talk about is conflict resolution. But underneath that are several other, I guess you could say, subtopics within resolving conflict in your marriage. And the first one I wanted to talk about, and you made note of this when we were preparing for this show, is being of like mind.

(2:40 - 3:03)
And it's so important when you're choosing your spouse, choosing who you want to marry, to be sure to the best way possible that you're of like mind. Yes, that is very important. And it's crucial to when you come into a marriage and then desire to have a family.

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Because I think often you can look around culture and see conflict that arises because they are not, the spouses are not like minded. So then naturally that brings disagreement because you don't have the same viewpoint on things. But even when you are like minded within a marriage, there's going to be disagreements because you're your own person.

(3:29 - 4:16)
And I think it's important when you look at learning and growing with your spouse, you're not taking away from your personality or from your beliefs, but you're learning how to mesh the two together. So learning how to work through how you view something and how I view something, not crucial to scripture or fundamental beliefs of Christianity, but just everyday things that arise, how to handle situations that we learn how to put two together to come to the best route for our family to take. Yeah, that's good.

(4:16 - 4:34)
And you know, it's, it's, there's two really two different avenues here. You've got people who are listening who are already married, probably the majority of people listening are already married. And you have people who will at one point or another most likely be married.

(4:34 - 4:51)
There may be some college students listening, maybe some people in high school listening who aren't married, maybe they're dating, maybe they're engaged. But we just want to encourage you to know who you're marrying. And have that hard conversation.

(4:51 - 4:56)
Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Have the conversations, the deep conversations about what their beliefs are.

(4:56 - 5:03)
Yes. And of course, scripture talks about being equally yoked. And I think we can all agree that it's important as a believer to marry another believer.

(5:04 - 5:20)
Yes. That's, that's like a step number one, a fundamental. But then even beyond that, how, what the, what's your worldview is? Because someone may be a believer, but the way they view different situations and different issues sometimes can differ.

(5:21 - 5:32)
And so that's, it's important to talk through those issues. I mean, topics like how we're going to raise our children. I mean, these are all topics that you and I had.

(5:34 - 5:45)
And for the most part, you and I were equally yoked. Now that didn't mean obviously that we agree on everything and we didn't have any conflicts leading into our marriage. Oh, because we did have conflict.

(5:46 - 6:24)
Yeah. And, and I think for us you know, when we were talking through topics to discuss and you know, we were looking at things that God has grown us in some areas that he's taught us how to be more like himself in this topic of conflict resolution really stood out to me because I feel like he has grown us. I can look at when we first got married and how we handled disagreements because yes, we're like-minded.

(6:24 - 6:39)
However, we both have our own opinions. So like I said at the beginning, we're our own people. We have our own personalities and we're very sure of the things that we, that happened.

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Sure. And, but I can look at the beginning of our marriage and how we handled disagreements to where we are now. And it's very clear that God has had a hand in our marriage.

(6:55 - 7:18)
I think we have both been persistent in prayer over how we interact with each other because at the beginning of our marriage when we're hot tempered and we are not taking the instruction that- And we think we're always right. Yes. We're not taking instruction that scripture gives us and we just go at each other.

(7:18 - 7:31)
Well, at the end of the day, we would sit back and we were both convicted that this is not right to where now we're more able. Now we're not perfect. Sure.

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We still have our moments that we have to step away and carefully consider where our conversation is going, but yeah, learning that it's not, we're not always right. Yeah. Yeah.

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And you know, this, this by the way, let me, let me reset. So I mean, I introduced myself, I introduced my wife, Lexi, what I didn't say is we've been married between five and six years, going on six years. We have three boys.

(7:58 - 8:37)
We have a four-year-old and then we have two two-year-olds and yes, they're twins, obviously. So we have children too. So resolving conflict, conflict resolution, it really affects not just your marriage, but it also flows over into your family and your children because the things that you learn in the early days, in the early years of marriage, how to resolve disagreements, that the, whether you grow in that area or not, will carry over into, into how you raise your children and even how you interact with others, even outside of your family.

(8:38 - 9:04)
But the second thing that I wanted us to talk about Lexi is humility because obviously being of like mind, being equally yoked is critical. Scripture talks about that. But humility, I think, is like the second most important right below being equally yoked is being humble because we have to admit at times that we're not always right.

(9:05 - 9:10)
And so humility goes a long way. Some of us have to admit that more than others. I'm just kidding.

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I'm kidding. But yeah, that is very important. And that takes a lot of practice and a lot of prayer and asking God to give you that kind of spirit.

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Because in our natural, the way that we come into this world, that's, that's not how you feel. You don't want to be humble. You don't have a natural instinct to put others before yourself and to recognize kind of your placement here.

(9:45 - 10:13)
So that is important in learning how to work together to come to the best conclusion in a disagreement or a topic. Yeah. And honestly, you know, the oftentimes in our marriage, I know there's times where I don't even like I may not even at the end of the day, at the end of a disagreement, I may not even think that you're right.

(10:14 - 10:44)
But I think our marriage is so important that we need to come together and make things work and compromise, which we'll talk a little bit about that, because I mean, we're talking a lot of the stuff that that couples disagree on is like very elementary stuff. And at the time you're like, this is the most important argument of my lifetime. And you're thinking, you're thinking, I'm never going to compromise.

(10:44 - 11:00)
You know, this is this is right. But I mean, we're not we're not talking about the fundamentals of scripture. We're not talking about, you know, what what what does God say about a certain issue? We're talking about how to go about life, how to raise our children.

(11:01 - 11:17)
And yes, scripture does talk to a lot of that. But I think it's important to learn humility and to learn how to compromise in your marriage, because if you can if you can't learn how to compromise in a marriage, it's going to be a long, long road. Yes, it is.

(11:18 - 11:45)
Yeah. And the speaking of compromise, we talked about this a little bit on our video that we did, our by design video, short video that we did. And by the way, if you want to read a read articles about by design project, about God's design for your marriage, if you want to read if you want to watch short videos related to by design, which is what this show is called, what this podcast is called, focused on building godly marriages.

(11:46 - 12:05)
And if you want to read more information, you can go to our website, AFA dot net forward slash by design. And I say that because you can watch the video that I'm talking about that Lexi and I did on conflict resolution, the same topic we're talking about today. But Lexi, compromise, I said earlier, oftentimes gets a negative connotation.

(12:05 - 12:21)
People think of compromise and they think, well, I'm, you know, I'm forfeiting my belief system. You know, we can't compromise. And that's true when it comes to scripture, when it comes to God's word and what what God's word says about marriage and about how we should live our lives.

(12:21 - 13:22)
But when it comes to what some people call tertiary or side issues that aren't really necessarily directly related to scripture, couples need to learn to compromise with each other. And for me, I kind of think, OK, so how do you do that? You know, what does scripture tell us about how to come, come to someone else with a different idea? And how do I, feeling strongly about my position, then take someone else's position and mesh it together? And so when I look at scripture, 1st James 119, you know, tells us to be slow. To speak and quick to listen, and I think oftentimes we are opposite of that, you know, we come into a disagreement and we hear, I hear what you have to say, and immediately I want to throw on you all the reasons why I'm right, you know.

(13:23 - 13:36)
But I think what God has taught me through that, OK, A, is that that's not most effective, because then your natural instinct is to do the same back at me. Yeah. So then we just butt heads.

(13:36 - 14:15)
Well, yeah. And the analogy I think about is when when there is a disagreement and you talk about what James says about being slow to speak, quick to listen, it's like and this is may not be for everyone, but for us in the early days of our marriage, the early years of our marriage, which are still we're still young, we're still newlyweds. It seemed like when we're arguing, when we're having a disagreement, every time we go back at each other with how our position is right and your position is wrong, it's like we're building this brick wall between each other.

(14:15 - 14:52)
And every time somebody says something, they're adding a brick to the wall. And who can get to the top first? So the longer the argument, the disagreement goes on, the more bricks you're building up, which means the longer it's going to take to tear it down. Yes. 

And so just imagine that, folks, when you're having a disagreement with your spouse, the longer you let it drag out, the more bricks you're building on the wall in between you and your spouse. So don't let it go too far. And that being said, one thing I've learned myself that does help and, you know, we're obviously, as Lexi said, we're not perfect.

(14:52 - 15:23)
We still have sin nature. We still struggle with different things. But honestly, sometimes just waiting, Lexi, if there's an issue that comes up that you would like to resolve with your spouse, sometimes waiting a little while, whether it be a couple hours or a couple of days to actually sit down and talk about it, that often gives time for the emotions, the raw emotions and the raw anger to kind of subside before you sit down and have that conversation.

(15:23 - 16:14)
Yeah. And it gives you a minute to consider all aspects. And I think it's important during that waiting time to be in prayer over the topic because usually when that happens, then God softens your heart to the other person's perspective. 

And so for me, I'm able to see, yes, I feel like I am right, but Walker also feels like he is right. So I need to look and see why he thinks he's right and then consider that and see, is there any way that he could be right? Yeah. And usually when that happens, then there might be a little glimpse that he's right and we can work together to put our rightness together.

(16:15 - 17:05)
Yeah. And the, for example, when, let's just say, for example, and this has happened a few times, but you're out in public or you're with your family, your extended family, and your spouse says something that you didn't like or they did something you didn't like, one thing you can consider is, and one thing at least that helps me respond better, is when I at least have a forewarning that the conversation is going to be had. Because oftentimes when you just spout out what you're mad about and your spouse doesn't know it's coming, that... Then they put a guard up.

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Yeah, the guard goes up, the bricks start building, the bricks start going up, and it rarely turns out for the better or for the best. And so sometimes you'll tell me or I'll tell you, hey, can we talk about something later? So then this leads into the importance of correctly communicating within your conflict resolution. And we have scripture that tells us about a harsh... Yeah, Proverbs 15, I think, a harsh answer, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh answer stirs up, a harsh answer stirs up anger.

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Exactly. And so I think it's important your tone of voice when you communicate these things to your spouse and the way that you word it. Because I think one thing that I've learned is that, you know, when I have a situation that I want to bring to Walker, instead of pointing it as he did this, you did this and it was wrong and this is how it made me feel, then he takes that completely different than if I say, hey, you probably didn't mean to, but when you did this, it had this ripple effect.

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So then his guard is not up and then he's sensitive to whatever situation it was and he can step back and say, oh, or vice versa. He can bring this to me as well. But from my perspective, then he can say, hey, OK, I could see how that would.

(18:44 - 19:50)
And then we can work together to figure out a better way to approach the situation. Yeah. And I was going through, actually, we were going through a marriage study with our Sunday school class a couple of years ago, and one of the videos, one of the things that stood out to me is the couple that was providing the counseling and the session. 

They said something to the extent of, be careful using words like you, well, basically leading off with and using words like you did this wrong, you did that wrong. And it's your fault and all this you, you, you, because the more you do that, the more you're you're you're actually distancing yourself from your spouse and using words like we and our couple words that present us as a team. Yes. 

And not you versus me. I think it's critical because that's if you view it as you versus me, then you'll hardly ever get along. But if you view it as we and we need to make this work, that oftentimes helps.

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Because you are when you come into a marriage, then your goal should be to work together as a team to come to the best. Result. And then I think, you know, we've heard First Corinthians chapter 13 about love and all the things that it is.

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But as I was looking at this and I read 13.5 that says it's talking about love. It does not insist on its own way. And, you know, you've read that many times.

(20:24 - 20:47)
But when I was looking at it through the lens of conflict resolution, I just thought, wow, there. I mean, it's right there in front of us that we are not we are not called to make our position known. Over and over and over again, and disregard other people's so so God calls us to really.

(20:48 - 21:40)
Look, look at. Everyone, you know, and with respect and going back to that, being humble, setting yourself aside and taking in the things of other people, and that doesn't mean I think I might have said this earlier, that I am not right or that I have to change fully my position on something. Yeah. 

But. I take I heed your your point of view as well. Yeah. 

And this conflict resolution is 100 percent rooted in Scripture. I mean, think about I mean, think about how God God sent Jesus to resolve conflict, the conflict of sin. And really, this is so important.

(21:40 - 22:15)
And really, this principle of resolving issues of reconciliation is ultimately it's reconciliation. That is this principle. If you can work on it in your marriage, if you can fine tune it in your marriage, then when you when you come into conflict with someone outside of your marriage, someone at work, someone that you go to church with, whatever, a friend, the principles that you learn and how you learn to work through things as a married couple, oftentimes those can translate into your everyday life and be very, very beneficial.

(22:16 - 22:41)
And so be sure to learn how to resolve conflict, because God doesn't want us to live in constant conflict. We are in constant conflict with our flesh, with our sin nature, but with one another, especially with other believers. Yes. 

God desires us to have to be unified. He desires unity. And he talks about unity in Scripture.

(22:42 - 23:01)
And so I just want to encourage each and every one of you couples out there who are working through your marriage, that God's God desires unification. I mean, he was the ultimate unifier with sending Jesus for our sins. And so God desires us to be reconciled, to be unified.

(23:03 - 24:02)
And as you were talking about the different ways, areas that we see conflict resolution from God, through Jesus, Jesus told us if you have conflict with your brothers, before you come and submit your prayers, if I'm thinking correctly, your sacrifices, then you need to go first and make it right. And then in another place, he tells us that to the best of your ability, I'm paraphrasing here, make sure that you are living at peace with others around you. And I think what you said about the believers is really important, because when we are found in Christ, we are part of a community and we all have our different gifts and abilities, but we are to work together.

(24:03 - 24:13)
But naturally, because we are in a sin and broken world, we fall short of that. Right. Yeah.

(24:13 - 24:45)
And this is so important because oftentimes our instinct, and sometimes we get this from how we're raised or how we're taught, but some people and ourselves included, sometimes we just want to flee conflict. And when you're in marriage, you can't just get up and leave. I mean, literally, you probably could, but that's not healthy.

(24:46 - 24:58)
And working through these things is so important. And, you know, it's just, we have to emphasize that not everything is perfect. And marriage is great.

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It's wonderful. It's a huge blessing, but it takes work. And in your first several years of marriage, and you look at the studies, your first several years of marriage are tough.

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And so couples need to go into marriage. Yes, being joyful, being thankful for their marriage, it is a blessing. But at the same time, coming to the realization that there's going to be conflict, there's going to be arguments, it's going to get ugly, you're going to say things you wish you wouldn't have said, being ready for that.

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And it will happen because we're humans, but being able to minimize the damage and ensure that you have a lasting marriage. There are also, one other thing I want to talk about before we wrap up the show is that not all, and I mentioned this a little bit before, but not all conflicts, we're talking about conflict resolution, not all conflict has to be resolved in the moment. Because some things can wait.

(26:05 - 26:26)
And just like we talked about earlier, it's so important to prepare yourself mentally, spiritually, and your spouse for having a discussion, having a disagreement. Yeah. So that you're ready, you're not blindsided, you're ready, and you know that, hey, look, we're about to talk about something that we're having trouble agreeing on.

(26:27 - 27:07)
And so I need to exercise patience, I need a little bit of patience, I need a little listen, so on and so forth. Well, hey, and that talks about the communication between your spouse, but then also your communication with God. So how are you praying? How are you approaching the conflict at hand? Are you going in, relying on yourself to be able to make the best decision? Or are you already, you know, I've learned that just like you're saying, even before I bring this topic to you, that I feel like could cause some controversy, that I'm praying over it.

(27:07 - 27:24)
I'm praying that your heart would be prepared, that my words would be gentle, you know, I'd be firm in what I have to say, but that they are gentle so that it comes across well. Yeah, folks, we've been talking about conflict resolution. This is a By Design podcast.

(27:24 - 27:51)
And just remember, folks, make sure you're rooted in scripture, make sure you're rooted in God's Word, make sure you're asking for the Holy Spirit to help you discern what is right and wrong, and always seek resolve and always seek unity with your spouse. Thanks for joining us on this By Design podcast here on American Family Radio. Don't forget to check out our website, afa.net forward slash by design, and we'll see you next time.

(0:02 - 0:17)
God's design for marriage is found in Matthew chapter 19. Jesus said, at the beginning, the creator made them male and female. For this reason, a man will leave his mother and father and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.

(0:18 - 0:36)
Welcome to By Design from American Family Radio. Welcome to the show. My name is Walker Wildman, and my wife Lexi is in studio with me on radio, on podcast for the first time ever.

(0:36 - 0:41)
Lexi? Yes. I am here. Glad you are joining me.

(0:41 - 1:07)
I'm just super excited. The By Design project, the By Design podcast is a production of American Family Association and American Family Radio, and what we really want to focus on here, and you heard a little bit about it in the opening, is we want to focus on God's design. God's design for marriage.

(1:07 - 1:57)
And as you look throughout culture, look throughout American society, we oftentimes can see what is wrong with society, what is going in the wrong direction as it relates to God's word, but sometimes it's good to talk about what is right, and what God has to say about marriage, what God has to say about human sexuality, and so that's what we're here to talk about is God's design for marriage, which is hence the name of the show, By Design. And before we jump into the topics today, I want to remind you that you can always listen to American Family Radio by visiting our website, afr.net. You can also download our AFR app on your Apple device or your Android device. Just type in AFR.

(1:58 - 2:20)
It's free and easy to download the app, and you can listen to shows like By Design and others there on our app. Lastly, to read more information about this project, the By Design project, just visit our website, afa.net forward slash By Design. Lexi, jumping right into this, we've got a couple topics.

(2:20 - 2:40)
The main topic we're going to talk about is conflict resolution. But underneath that are several other, I guess you could say, subtopics within resolving conflict in your marriage. And the first one I wanted to talk about, and you made note of this when we were preparing for this show, is being of like mind.

(2:40 - 3:03)
And it's so important when you're choosing your spouse, choosing who you want to marry, to be sure to the best way possible that you're of like mind. Yes, that is very important. And it's crucial to when you come into a marriage and then desire to have a family.

(3:03 - 3:29)
Because I think often you can look around culture and see conflict that arises because they are not, the spouses are not like minded. So then naturally that brings disagreement because you don't have the same viewpoint on things. But even when you are like minded within a marriage, there's going to be disagreements because you're your own person.

(3:29 - 4:16)
And I think it's important when you look at learning and growing with your spouse, you're not taking away from your personality or from your beliefs, but you're learning how to mesh the two together. So learning how to work through how you view something and how I view something, not crucial to scripture or fundamental beliefs of Christianity, but just everyday things that arise, how to handle situations that we learn how to put two together to come to the best route for our family to take. Yeah, that's good.

(4:16 - 4:34)
And you know, it's, it's, there's two really two different avenues here. You've got people who are listening who are already married, probably the majority of people listening are already married. And you have people who will at one point or another most likely be married.

(4:34 - 4:51)
There may be some college students listening, maybe some people in high school listening who aren't married, maybe they're dating, maybe they're engaged. But we just want to encourage you to know who you're marrying. And have that hard conversation.

(4:51 - 4:56)
Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Have the conversations, the deep conversations about what their beliefs are.

(4:56 - 5:03)
Yes. And of course, scripture talks about being equally yoked. And I think we can all agree that it's important as a believer to marry another believer.

(5:04 - 5:20)
Yes. That's, that's like a step number one, a fundamental. But then even beyond that, how, what the, what's your worldview is? Because someone may be a believer, but the way they view different situations and different issues sometimes can differ.

(5:21 - 5:32)
And so that's, it's important to talk through those issues. I mean, topics like how we're going to raise our children. I mean, these are all topics that you and I had.

(5:34 - 5:45)
And for the most part, you and I were equally yoked. Now that didn't mean obviously that we agree on everything and we didn't have any conflicts leading into our marriage. Oh, because we did have conflict.

(5:46 - 6:24)
Yeah. And, and I think for us you know, when we were talking through topics to discuss and you know, we were looking at things that God has grown us in some areas that he's taught us how to be more like himself in this topic of conflict resolution really stood out to me because I feel like he has grown us. I can look at when we first got married and how we handled disagreements because yes, we're like-minded.

(6:24 - 6:39)
However, we both have our own opinions. So like I said at the beginning, we're our own people. We have our own personalities and we're very sure of the things that we, that happened.

(6:39 - 6:54)
Sure. And, but I can look at the beginning of our marriage and how we handled disagreements to where we are now. And it's very clear that God has had a hand in our marriage.

(6:55 - 7:18)
I think we have both been persistent in prayer over how we interact with each other because at the beginning of our marriage when we're hot tempered and we are not taking the instruction that- And we think we're always right. Yes. We're not taking instruction that scripture gives us and we just go at each other.

(7:18 - 7:31)
Well, at the end of the day, we would sit back and we were both convicted that this is not right to where now we're more able. Now we're not perfect. Sure.

(7:31 - 7:46)
We still have our moments that we have to step away and carefully consider where our conversation is going, but yeah, learning that it's not, we're not always right. Yeah. Yeah.

(7:46 - 7:58)
And you know, this, this by the way, let me, let me reset. So I mean, I introduced myself, I introduced my wife, Lexi, what I didn't say is we've been married between five and six years, going on six years. We have three boys.

(7:58 - 8:37)
We have a four-year-old and then we have two two-year-olds and yes, they're twins, obviously. So we have children too. So resolving conflict, conflict resolution, it really affects not just your marriage, but it also flows over into your family and your children because the things that you learn in the early days, in the early years of marriage, how to resolve disagreements, that the, whether you grow in that area or not, will carry over into, into how you raise your children and even how you interact with others, even outside of your family.

(8:38 - 9:04)
But the second thing that I wanted us to talk about Lexi is humility because obviously being of like mind, being equally yoked is critical. Scripture talks about that. But humility, I think, is like the second most important right below being equally yoked is being humble because we have to admit at times that we're not always right.

(9:05 - 9:10)
And so humility goes a long way. Some of us have to admit that more than others. I'm just kidding.

(9:10 - 9:23)
I'm kidding. But yeah, that is very important. And that takes a lot of practice and a lot of prayer and asking God to give you that kind of spirit.

(9:23 - 9:45)
Because in our natural, the way that we come into this world, that's, that's not how you feel. You don't want to be humble. You don't have a natural instinct to put others before yourself and to recognize kind of your placement here.

(9:45 - 10:13)
So that is important in learning how to work together to come to the best conclusion in a disagreement or a topic. Yeah. And honestly, you know, the oftentimes in our marriage, I know there's times where I don't even like I may not even at the end of the day, at the end of a disagreement, I may not even think that you're right.

(10:14 - 10:44)
But I think our marriage is so important that we need to come together and make things work and compromise, which we'll talk a little bit about that, because I mean, we're talking a lot of the stuff that that couples disagree on is like very elementary stuff. And at the time you're like, this is the most important argument of my lifetime. And you're thinking, you're thinking, I'm never going to compromise.

(10:44 - 11:00)
You know, this is this is right. But I mean, we're not we're not talking about the fundamentals of scripture. We're not talking about, you know, what what what does God say about a certain issue? We're talking about how to go about life, how to raise our children.

(11:01 - 11:17)
And yes, scripture does talk to a lot of that. But I think it's important to learn humility and to learn how to compromise in your marriage, because if you can if you can't learn how to compromise in a marriage, it's going to be a long, long road. Yes, it is.

(11:18 - 11:45)
Yeah. And the speaking of compromise, we talked about this a little bit on our video that we did, our by design video, short video that we did. And by the way, if you want to read a read articles about by design project, about God's design for your marriage, if you want to read if you want to watch short videos related to by design, which is what this show is called, what this podcast is called, focused on building godly marriages.

(11:46 - 12:05)
And if you want to read more information, you can go to our website, AFA dot net forward slash by design. And I say that because you can watch the video that I'm talking about that Lexi and I did on conflict resolution, the same topic we're talking about today. But Lexi, compromise, I said earlier, oftentimes gets a negative connotation.

(12:05 - 12:21)
People think of compromise and they think, well, I'm, you know, I'm forfeiting my belief system. You know, we can't compromise. And that's true when it comes to scripture, when it comes to God's word and what what God's word says about marriage and about how we should live our lives.

(12:21 - 13:22)
But when it comes to what some people call tertiary or side issues that aren't really necessarily directly related to scripture, couples need to learn to compromise with each other. And for me, I kind of think, OK, so how do you do that? You know, what does scripture tell us about how to come, come to someone else with a different idea? And how do I, feeling strongly about my position, then take someone else's position and mesh it together? And so when I look at scripture, 1st James 119, you know, tells us to be slow. To speak and quick to listen, and I think oftentimes we are opposite of that, you know, we come into a disagreement and we hear, I hear what you have to say, and immediately I want to throw on you all the reasons why I'm right, you know.

(13:23 - 13:36)
But I think what God has taught me through that, OK, A, is that that's not most effective, because then your natural instinct is to do the same back at me. Yeah. So then we just butt heads.

(13:36 - 14:15)
Well, yeah. And the analogy I think about is when when there is a disagreement and you talk about what James says about being slow to speak, quick to listen, it's like and this is may not be for everyone, but for us in the early days of our marriage, the early years of our marriage, which are still we're still young, we're still newlyweds. It seemed like when we're arguing, when we're having a disagreement, every time we go back at each other with how our position is right and your position is wrong, it's like we're building this brick wall between each other.

(14:15 - 14:52)
And every time somebody says something, they're adding a brick to the wall. And who can get to the top first? So the longer the argument, the disagreement goes on, the more bricks you're building up, which means the longer it's going to take to tear it down. Yes. 

And so just imagine that, folks, when you're having a disagreement with your spouse, the longer you let it drag out, the more bricks you're building on the wall in between you and your spouse. So don't let it go too far. And that being said, one thing I've learned myself that does help and, you know, we're obviously, as Lexi said, we're not perfect.

(14:52 - 15:23)
We still have sin nature. We still struggle with different things. But honestly, sometimes just waiting, Lexi, if there's an issue that comes up that you would like to resolve with your spouse, sometimes waiting a little while, whether it be a couple hours or a couple of days to actually sit down and talk about it, that often gives time for the emotions, the raw emotions and the raw anger to kind of subside before you sit down and have that conversation.

(15:23 - 16:14)
Yeah. And it gives you a minute to consider all aspects. And I think it's important during that waiting time to be in prayer over the topic because usually when that happens, then God softens your heart to the other person's perspective. 

And so for me, I'm able to see, yes, I feel like I am right, but Walker also feels like he is right. So I need to look and see why he thinks he's right and then consider that and see, is there any way that he could be right? Yeah. And usually when that happens, then there might be a little glimpse that he's right and we can work together to put our rightness together.

(16:15 - 17:05)
Yeah. And the, for example, when, let's just say, for example, and this has happened a few times, but you're out in public or you're with your family, your extended family, and your spouse says something that you didn't like or they did something you didn't like, one thing you can consider is, and one thing at least that helps me respond better, is when I at least have a forewarning that the conversation is going to be had. Because oftentimes when you just spout out what you're mad about and your spouse doesn't know it's coming, that... Then they put a guard up.

(17:05 - 17:45)
Yeah, the guard goes up, the bricks start building, the bricks start going up, and it rarely turns out for the better or for the best. And so sometimes you'll tell me or I'll tell you, hey, can we talk about something later? So then this leads into the importance of correctly communicating within your conflict resolution. And we have scripture that tells us about a harsh... Yeah, Proverbs 15, I think, a harsh answer, a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh answer stirs up, a harsh answer stirs up anger.

(17:45 - 18:26)
Exactly. And so I think it's important your tone of voice when you communicate these things to your spouse and the way that you word it. Because I think one thing that I've learned is that, you know, when I have a situation that I want to bring to Walker, instead of pointing it as he did this, you did this and it was wrong and this is how it made me feel, then he takes that completely different than if I say, hey, you probably didn't mean to, but when you did this, it had this ripple effect.

(18:26 - 18:44)
So then his guard is not up and then he's sensitive to whatever situation it was and he can step back and say, oh, or vice versa. He can bring this to me as well. But from my perspective, then he can say, hey, OK, I could see how that would.

(18:44 - 19:50)
And then we can work together to figure out a better way to approach the situation. Yeah. And I was going through, actually, we were going through a marriage study with our Sunday school class a couple of years ago, and one of the videos, one of the things that stood out to me is the couple that was providing the counseling and the session. 

They said something to the extent of, be careful using words like you, well, basically leading off with and using words like you did this wrong, you did that wrong. And it's your fault and all this you, you, you, because the more you do that, the more you're you're you're actually distancing yourself from your spouse and using words like we and our couple words that present us as a team. Yes. 

And not you versus me. I think it's critical because that's if you view it as you versus me, then you'll hardly ever get along. But if you view it as we and we need to make this work, that oftentimes helps.

(19:50 - 20:11)
Because you are when you come into a marriage, then your goal should be to work together as a team to come to the best. Result. And then I think, you know, we've heard First Corinthians chapter 13 about love and all the things that it is.

(20:11 - 20:24)
But as I was looking at this and I read 13.5 that says it's talking about love. It does not insist on its own way. And, you know, you've read that many times.

(20:24 - 20:47)
But when I was looking at it through the lens of conflict resolution, I just thought, wow, there. I mean, it's right there in front of us that we are not we are not called to make our position known. Over and over and over again, and disregard other people's so so God calls us to really.

(20:48 - 21:40)
Look, look at. Everyone, you know, and with respect and going back to that, being humble, setting yourself aside and taking in the things of other people, and that doesn't mean I think I might have said this earlier, that I am not right or that I have to change fully my position on something. Yeah. 

But. I take I heed your your point of view as well. Yeah. 

And this conflict resolution is 100 percent rooted in Scripture. I mean, think about I mean, think about how God God sent Jesus to resolve conflict, the conflict of sin. And really, this is so important.

(21:40 - 22:15)
And really, this principle of resolving issues of reconciliation is ultimately it's reconciliation. That is this principle. If you can work on it in your marriage, if you can fine tune it in your marriage, then when you when you come into conflict with someone outside of your marriage, someone at work, someone that you go to church with, whatever, a friend, the principles that you learn and how you learn to work through things as a married couple, oftentimes those can translate into your everyday life and be very, very beneficial.

(22:16 - 22:41)
And so be sure to learn how to resolve conflict, because God doesn't want us to live in constant conflict. We are in constant conflict with our flesh, with our sin nature, but with one another, especially with other believers. Yes. 

God desires us to have to be unified. He desires unity. And he talks about unity in Scripture.

(22:42 - 23:01)
And so I just want to encourage each and every one of you couples out there who are working through your marriage, that God's God desires unification. I mean, he was the ultimate unifier with sending Jesus for our sins. And so God desires us to be reconciled, to be unified.

(23:03 - 24:02)
And as you were talking about the different ways, areas that we see conflict resolution from God, through Jesus, Jesus told us if you have conflict with your brothers, before you come and submit your prayers, if I'm thinking correctly, your sacrifices, then you need to go first and make it right. And then in another place, he tells us that to the best of your ability, I'm paraphrasing here, make sure that you are living at peace with others around you. And I think what you said about the believers is really important, because when we are found in Christ, we are part of a community and we all have our different gifts and abilities, but we are to work together.

(24:03 - 24:13)
But naturally, because we are in a sin and broken world, we fall short of that. Right. Yeah.

(24:13 - 24:45)
And this is so important because oftentimes our instinct, and sometimes we get this from how we're raised or how we're taught, but some people and ourselves included, sometimes we just want to flee conflict. And when you're in marriage, you can't just get up and leave. I mean, literally, you probably could, but that's not healthy.

(24:46 - 24:58)
And working through these things is so important. And, you know, it's just, we have to emphasize that not everything is perfect. And marriage is great.

(24:58 - 25:08)
It's wonderful. It's a huge blessing, but it takes work. And in your first several years of marriage, and you look at the studies, your first several years of marriage are tough.

(25:09 - 25:29)
And so couples need to go into marriage. Yes, being joyful, being thankful for their marriage, it is a blessing. But at the same time, coming to the realization that there's going to be conflict, there's going to be arguments, it's going to get ugly, you're going to say things you wish you wouldn't have said, being ready for that.

(25:29 - 26:04)
And it will happen because we're humans, but being able to minimize the damage and ensure that you have a lasting marriage. There are also, one other thing I want to talk about before we wrap up the show is that not all, and I mentioned this a little bit before, but not all conflicts, we're talking about conflict resolution, not all conflict has to be resolved in the moment. Because some things can wait.

(26:05 - 26:26)
And just like we talked about earlier, it's so important to prepare yourself mentally, spiritually, and your spouse for having a discussion, having a disagreement. Yeah. So that you're ready, you're not blindsided, you're ready, and you know that, hey, look, we're about to talk about something that we're having trouble agreeing on.

(26:27 - 27:07)
And so I need to exercise patience, I need a little bit of patience, I need a little listen, so on and so forth. Well, hey, and that talks about the communication between your spouse, but then also your communication with God. So how are you praying? How are you approaching the conflict at hand? Are you going in, relying on yourself to be able to make the best decision? Or are you already, you know, I've learned that just like you're saying, even before I bring this topic to you, that I feel like could cause some controversy, that I'm praying over it.

(27:07 - 27:24)
I'm praying that your heart would be prepared, that my words would be gentle, you know, I'd be firm in what I have to say, but that they are gentle so that it comes across well. Yeah, folks, we've been talking about conflict resolution. This is a By Design podcast.

(27:24 - 27:51)
And just remember, folks, make sure you're rooted in scripture, make sure you're rooted in God's Word, make sure you're asking for the Holy Spirit to help you discern what is right and wrong, and always seek resolve and always seek unity with your spouse. Thanks for joining us on this By Design podcast here on American Family Radio. Don't forget to check out our website, afa.net forward slash by design, and we'll see you next time.