Dr. Jessica Peck prescribes hope for healthy families on American Family Radio
Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends. Merry Christmas. Welcome to my favorite time of day, my favorite time of year. We've got a great dose of hope for you. But before we get to my guest today, I want to remind you that this week is pretty exciting because we have an exciting opportunity for you. If you have already regular listener of the show, you will be familiar with another show here on American Family Radio called Hannah's Heart that walks families through infertility, child loss, miscarriage, all of those things that can be painful experiences sometimes in starting a family. But they have really built a beautiful community. And they're having their first ever inaugural conference in Tupelo, Mississippi in January. And this week they're running a special where you can get half off of registration and you can go to afr.net/hhc2026 That's Hannah's Heart Conference 2026. So someone you know needs to know about that, and I hope that you will be able to go. Maybe it would even make a great gift.
Tricia Thornton writes Beyond Blessed Parenting about authentic connection with children
But the gift that we're giving you today is a talk about parenting. Now, I am definitely in the trenches on this. I've got kids who are from high school all the way up through college and young adult. I'm in that stage of parenting, but definitely have been in the earlier stages. But remember colic like it was yesterday? Remember toddler tantrums in the middle of the grocery store like it was, this morning? It can feel like I can still feel embarrassed at some of those things that happened, you know, just that are come with parenting. But in a world of today, parents can feel very overwhelmed. And it seems like every day there's something new to be afraid of. And this world is marked by anxiety and trauma and living at the speed of a smartphone. There is never any doubt, a downtime. And many parents are asking the deeper question of how do I truly connect with my child without losing myself in the process? If you're very honest, this is a question that every parent has asked themselves. Maybe you've asked yourself that as you're vacuuming crushed goldfish out of the back of a minivan, thinking, how did my life come to this? Or you're waiting up at night for a teen who's missed m curfew. There are all across the spectrum of those experiences, and I'm so delighted to bring to you today Our guest, she is a therapist, she's an author, she's a speaker. Her name is Tricia Thornton, and she has a book called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Now, this is really automatically caught my attention because so often we treat parenting like it's a burden. And it is. There, are challenges sometimes for sure, but it is beautiful and it is blessed. And so this book is called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Embrace these seven principles and experience authentic connection. I think that's what every parent wants with their child. If you're invested in your parenting journey, you really want to connect. And Tricia is inviting you to something deeper than just behavior management, which so often we're guilty of, or honestly, just survival parenting. And she's calling you today into authentic connection. So, Tricia, welcome to the show. We are so delighted to have you here. Thank you for joining us.
Tricia Thornton: Thank you so much for having me.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Tricia, let's just start with a little of your story. Just tell us a little bit of your testimony, faith and your family story and how you came to have a calling in your life to equip parents.
Tricia Thornton: Yes. Thank you. Well, I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia. So I grew up in the south, and I grew up in a family where, it was pretty typical. It was a mom and dad, and I have an older sister. But it. About six and a half, I experienced two traumatic events in my little world. And I, at six and a half, didn't quite have. Obviously, neurologically, I didn't have the brain circuitry to comprehend all that was going on. My grandmother was killed in our driveway, in a tragic way. Right. in our. In our driveway, in our new home. And then three weeks later, we experienced a robbery and an intruder coming in our home. So right away, six and a half, I just. My little world went from kind of what was pretty safe. I. I think I always had a little bit of a, kind of an anxious brain. I think I always was the child who had a little hard time going to sleep and little scared of the dark and. And had some of those kind of fears. But my world shifted from that day, and fear became imprinted in every of my brain. And I don't think I really grasped that even through college at Vanderbilt and graduate school at Denver Seminary until I was really in Denver Seminary. My parents, unfortunately had a divorce. And so when that all kind of hit, I began to realize, something has kind of been holding me back for a long time. So I began to explore it then, and the. And my faith was growing the whole time. I Grew up pretty much in a home where we went to what I call holiday church and we would go at the big holidays. And I, had a draw to church always. I kind of, remember many days just feeling like that was a safe place for me. I felt very comforted, but didn't really have a connection until I was in high school. And then through an outreach ministry, I was able to really understand the personal relationship part of Christianity. And so that began to really kind of become a part of me in high school and that grew. And so when I got to graduate school in seminary and I really began to explore how does all this fit together? It began to really be apparent to me that, wow, fear really kind of has imprinted upon me. So then fast forward became a therapist working with children and families and around kind of that midlife, late 40s, 50, I began to really explore through writing. And I wrote my first book called Blessing from Fear. And that began a journey that was a beautiful journey and has continued. I have a private practice in therapy where I work with parents and do, ah, parent coaching and I work with adults all the way down to three year olds as a, as a, registered play therapist. So that's kind of it in a nutshell. But it started out with those traumatic experiences. And so I really have a heart in an understanding of how trauma can imprint upon our brains. And so that's really what draws me to helping with parents and children.
Tricia says that fear imprinted on her soul after childhood trauma
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Tricia, I know that, that those things happened many years ago, but please just let me say I'm so, so that you experienced those things. My heart just breaks for any child who experiences trauma like that. And it is sobering and heartbreaking even now to hear you say that. That is your story, you know, going back, that it, it imprinted. And I want to sit in that word for just a minute because you used it a few times. I actually wrote it down when you were saying it, I think.
Tricia Thornton: Do you like that word?
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah, it's really good description of what happens sometimes when you experience something traumatic and you feel like that fear imprints on your soul and you try really hard to overcome it and you try to learn coping skills or you try just to get out of it on your own power. But how did you, how do you come to a place where you, what is the word? Where you overcome it, where you accept it, where you cope with it, where you, you know, learn to decorate in spite of the imprint? What do you do once you have the realization that that is imprinted on your soul? Like you said, we know that part of that is even imprinted on our DNA because of the way that trauma impacts us.
Tricia Thornton: What.
Dr. Jessica Peck: What do you do about it when you have that realization?
Tricia Thornton: Yeah.
The word that came to my mind when you were talking was choice
So the word that came to my mind when you were talking was choice. So we were given a beautiful brain. God created our brain with an amazing ability to choose. Even though some days it doesn't feel like you have a choice other than to maybe sit up in your bed or maybe to get up and walk outside for three or four minutes when you. Sometimes we can feel really, really, really low and. Or really hurried, and we're rushing, like, at this time of year from event to event, and everything's coming at us at, kind of warp speed. I loved how you said in the intro, at speed, of a smartphone. Thank you. That was so good. Yeah. Speed of a smartphone. That's exactly how we feel.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah.
Tricia Thornton: But we do have to remember. And this is where I think Romans 12:2 really, really has a hold on me. I love that verse. I've. I use it throughout both of my books, is that we were given the power to renew our mind. And so we do have the power to choose, even in the darkest moments. And there are some days that all we can think of positively is that maybe we like the socks that we have on. A lot of times use that with children. They'll come in and I'll say, hey, tell me two, you know, pretty good things and two not so good things. And sometimes they look at me and they're like, I don't know. I don't really have any, you know, pretty good. And so I was like, well, let's break it down.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Do you.
Tricia Thornton: Did you like your snack today? No. Okay, well, did you, like.
Tricia Thornton: Was a friend nice to you today? And they may say yes or no. And eventually we get down, and I'm like, do you like your socks? You have one? And they're like, well, yeah, okay. And I'm like, okay, then that's what you're thankful for today. So sometimes we have to kind of shift our mindset, and it takes a lot of intentionality and as parents, just to kind of. From a parent perspective, there's nothing more triggering. When you were talking about the. The meltdown in the grocery store, there's nothing more triggering than our children to us, even really traumatic losses and trauma and trauma experiences. Sometimes our kids push our buttons in ways that we didn't even know we had that button. And so sometimes it does feel really daunting for us as parents. But we can remember that we do have a choice. We do have the power because our God, God gave us this beautiful brain and with the ability to mindset shift, and that's hard to do. But throughout the beyond, less I give some really good solution, like transformative tools that allow you to know how to do that. You know, the.
Dr. Jessica Peck: The funny thing is, Tricia, we don't want those tools. You know, we. We have been poisoned in some ways, I think by society in wanting instant gratification. We want an instant fix. We don't want to do the work that is required sometimes. And I think what you're saying about choices is so important, and that's important for our mindset. Because the way that I say it a lot of times to, you know, kids when I'm talking to them is, hey, what happened to you is not your fault. But how you heal from it is your choice. And how you choose to heal from it is your choice. And we, we can give ourselves such a hard time when we're not instantly cured, you know, when we're not instantly over the fear, when we can't instantly erase that imprint. But we can celebrate the process of renewing our mind. I love that you brought that up from Romans 12. That's one of my favorite verses about being transformed by the renewing of our mind. And it comes through those little choices. Like today, okay, we're having the meltdown in the grocery store. Like, I'm going to choo to just to leave or to be calm or whatever it is that, ah, little choice in the moment. And Tricia, I can't believe we're already coming up on our first break here. But when we come back, I really want to dive more into some of the guidance that you give in the book and some of those. Those tools that we desperately need. I think that parents need to envision it like they're. They're have a tool belt, like a master tool belt. And you learn, you know, you develop these tools like, okay, all right, I need to bring down the hammer right now. Okay. This is going to require a little more precision. I need some pliers or whatever it is. And I am. And my husband is probably laughing at me right now, thinking she's trying to do a tool analogy. How cute. But it is very true because I think, you know, back to your experiences of fear, Tricia, and that was in a world really before the smartphone was happening. And now what I see is parent. There's an undercurrent of fear that is running rampant in families. Parents are so afraid that their kids are going to make destructive choices. They're really afraid, afraid they're going to walk away from their faith. Kids are desperately afraid of what's going to happen in the world. Everything seems really unstable. Everything can change in a moment. They're being recorded all of the time. One careless word can send their life in a whole different direction. I mean, there is a lot of fear. What is celebrated today is canceled tomorrow. If they speak out on their faith, they can get kicked out of college. I mean, mean, all of these things, I think just the what if, the what if. But listen, when we come back, we're going to really dive into some practical tools that you can have from Tricia Thornton. The book is called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Embrace these seven principles and experience authentic connection. So listen, there's a lot more help and hope on the other side of this break. Don't go away. I want you to picture this. Her name is kayla. She is 17, alone, terrified and pregnant. Sitting in a clinic, tears blurring, thinking abortion is her only option until she was offered a free ultrasound, paid for by a hero just like you. The moment Kayla heard her baby's heartbeat, the decision was made. And today, her little baby boy, Gabrielle, is thriving because preborn walked with Kayla every step of the way. Now multiply that by 38,000. That's how many babies preborn has helped save just this year. How many mothers preborn has come alongside with practical and spiritual resources to make motherhood possible. But here's the most important thing you will hear today. Their goal is to save 70,000 by the end of the year. And they can't do it without us. Every $28 provides that ultrasound. The moment everything changes, will you be the reason the next Kayla chooses life? The reason Gabrielle fulfills his destiny. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250, baby. Or donate securely at preborn.com/AFR, that's preborn.comAFR.
I Still Believe In Christmas by Anne Wilson: the choir singing carols. Bells are ring and streets are bright It's Christmas all around me so why is Christmas hard to find? December snow is falling down like I am to my knees I could use some hope right now? Cause right now hope is hard to see Help me still believe. For. God So loved this broken world he sent his only son To a carpenter and a teenage girl to show us all his love he left his home in heaven to make heaven my home My Emmanuel is with me and I'll never be alone down here my heart can't find much to believe in But I still believe in Christmas.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That's I Still Believe in Christmas by Anne Wilson. And we are talking today about how to connect with your kids, especially over Christmas. You may have more time on your hands if you're on a break from school. If your kids are adults and they're visiting, there is such a great opportunity for authentic connection. And let me tell you, God has put that in the hearts of children, a desire to connect with their parents. And today we're talking about to author and therapist Tricia Thornton and what she has written a book called Beyond Blessed Parenting. One of the most powerful ideas in this book is that connection, not perfection, is the true goal of parenting. And Tricia blends neuroscience and psychology and spiritual formation as a holistic approach, which I really appreciate to show parents how healing and growth begin from the inside out.
Tricia says parents need help connecting with their children through play
And, Tricia, before the break, in the first segment, you were telling us about the traumatic experiences that you had at just six years old. And we were starting to talk about some of the ways that trauma imprints on the brain. And you pointed out when you and I were talking during the break, and it's so important for our listeners to remember this, too, that trauma can be big T trauma, like a big traumatic event like you described, or it can be little T trauma, just those chronic underlying stresses, financial stress, relationship conflict, that can impact kids. And sometimes it can be the small thing that can have a big impact because there's such a beautiful, complex interaction of, genetics and temperament and disposition and environmental support factors, all of those things that are there. But I want to know what your work daily, Tricia, with families. You see families every day who are navigating big T trauma, little T trauma, fear, anxiety. What are you seeing in your practice that told you how much this message of beyond blessed parenting was needed?
Tricia Thornton: Yeah, I didn't really feel like I had a choice not to write the book. I, over time, was starting to realize that parents were feeling lost, feeling completely overwhelmed. And what was happening is there was such a trigger for them to want to fix and want to make it better for their children. It was. I kind of. And I still feel like this is hard for parents innately. We. It is really hard for us to see our child in pain of any kind. It could be physical, emotional, it could be little too big. And our natural response, our natural brain response is to rush in and redirect and try to make it better. And sometimes we need to just, Take a pause. I like to call it embrace the pause and see if there's a way that we can first connect first with God within ourself. I call it the cross of connection. So first connecting within, with God within ourself, with a partner or with a community, with a spouse or a friend, and then with your children. So it's a lot of connecting up top before we even connect with our children. And that's what drew me to write the book. I felt like we needed some more really kind, of, I don't know, easy to do solutions that make it not so overwhelming for us to connect with our children. Because I think some days I. I usually say connection always wins over comparison. That's what a child's brain. So God made our brain have this sense of, needing connection. It goes back to Adam and Eve, and we were literally created to be connective beings. And so. But often what happens is doing gets in the way instead of just being. And so that's where I feel like in my office, I see it daily. I see parents come in, whether they are experiencing little to big. They look at me a lot of times and they just say things like, I just, I want to make sure I'm not doing it wrong. I want to make sure I'm doing it right. Or I may. I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up. And when a parent feels that overwhelmed and that much pressure, then we become more reactive. And so what I try to do is help give them tools and give them first just connecting with them and allowing a chance for them to feel that they have a place to vent that voice. And that's exactly what I do in my playroom, in my playroom as registered play therapist, I'm allowing a child to show me their inner world through their natural language of play. And it's beautiful. Every single day, I have children come in through play and tell me about experiences from little to big. But through that power of that connection tool, which is play. And it. It is beautiful. And there are times where I look at a parent and I'm like, when I'm kind of telling them about how things are going. And I'll say, they could never have told me that in like, a complete sentence, but they can show me through the tool of play. So that's what drew me to write the book and feel this need to keep working with parents and children.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Tricia, what you're saying is so simple, but it's really not easy. And you remind me m In pediatrics, when I'm working and we say we're having occupational therapists come in for pediatrics, there's always this confusion, like occupational therapists, like, what are children doing for work? And I'm like, playing. Playing is the work of children. And there is so much therapy and connection that can happen through play. And Tricia, you really hit it right on the head. Because I think as parents today, we feel this pressure to fix everything, that everything has an instant solution. And there's. Especially the holidays. I think sometimes we put an extra amount of stress on ourselves to do that. When our kids, we know maybe they're not going to. We're not able to provide for them in way that we wanted to, or they're going to have to, you know, go between parents, house if there is divorce in the situation, or, you know, just, they're going to be with one of our families where there's broken relationships. They're going to have some exposure to conflict or whatever it is. They're missing someone who has just died. We feel this pressure just to fix it. And I, you know, I think it's so important for parents to understand that when you make that connection, whether it's your through play, through an encouraging hug, through just sitting there with them, through giving them encouraging words, you are literally turning off a toxic sludge of that. Of stress chemicals that's bathing their brain. If you can just imagine in your mind, it's like a faucet. When that stress response happens, your brain starts, you know, secreting all of these stress hormones. And when you make that connection, it turns the faucet on and it gives your brain a moment to reset and to. And. And. And that's the building blocks of resilience. And so often we don't give ourselves credit for that as parents, Tricia, we're like, well, yeah, yeah, I mean, of course I'm going to be there. Of course I'm going to tell them I love them. Of course I'm going to, you know, be supportive. No, that's. That's the main work. The main work is not fixing the situation. It's teaching them those resilience skills. So what do you believe? We have a gap here, Tricia, where, you know, we're. We're saying, okay, we know what we're supposed to do. We know our brain is broken in the way it thinks about it. What is the first step for a parent to take to think? Okay, I'm listening. I really want to connect with my kids over this holiday break. How do I do that? What do you tell them? Where do you tell them to start?
Tricia Thornton: Okay, so the first one of the first steps to do this is my first principle in Beyond Blessed parenting is silence. And the second one is listening. But that's not necessary. Oh, very hard. I'm not saying these are easy, but they can be done. that is not necessarily us listening to our children. It is. It's part of it. But what first start has to happen.
Tricia: What is the most important thing we can do as parents
So the. I get often asked, what is the most important thing we can do as parents? Parents. And it actually is to help ourselves first. It's to attend to us first. So first thing is, we need to sprinkle in some moments of silence and listening within our day. That may only be when you are in the restroom. It may only be. And that may not even be alone. If you've got little ones knocking on the door or a toddler sitting there staring at you but it. Or in your lap even. But it can be done that within your brain, can you first acknowledge the overwhelm? So I first say name it to tame it. That is Dan Siegel's beautiful phrase that. I love that. If we can just begin to be curious and notice, wow, I am really having this massive feeling. And I'm not all sure what it's about, but I'm, going to just name literally out loud to yourself or to a spouse or to. Through prayer, through worship and name. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so much pressure right now. If we can do that, and if you can't say it out loud, that's okay. Say it within your head. We will begin to take away some of that power that. That negative has over us. That's that mindse shift. And when you talk about that sludge, I love the idea of turning the faucet off. I don't know if it's possible in this season to turn it completely off, but we can slow the drip. That's what I. I want to encourage parents, like, it's hard to turn it off, but can we slow the drip of the rush of the water? And I think the way we can do that is to begin to go, okay, first, I'm just going to allow myself in this moment. Even if you have a toddler sitting right beside you in the bed, even if your baby is right there, your older child is coming in the middle of the night, it doesn't matter. Say to that child or to your spouse or to whoever, say to that person, I need one minute of a little bit of silence. Silence and so we're just going to sit here, and that child may be stewing in its little britches in that moment. But see if in that moment, you can model being still in silent for just 30 seconds to one minute. And I guarantee that the child will begin to go over time. This may not be instant, but over time they're going to see because your mirror neurons are going to mirror to that their neurons and pick up, up. Oh, it's okay to be silent. It's okay to be still, it's okay to listen. That's going to be a beautiful, powerful connection that will build over time.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Tricia, as you're talking, I think just being candid, I think that some of these things that you're saying are really will resonate with moms. As a mom, I'm thinking, yes, I am definitely going to do this. I have done this. I'll say, mama needs a minute. I think it can be harder for dads to do this. And just in the conversations I've had with my husband, just even naming and taming their emotion, like, you know, dads will show frustration. They will often show frustration, you know, in. In a different way. And kids receive their dad's frustration in a lot different way that they receive their moms. Like, my kids have a pretty high tolerance for my frustration. Like, I gotta get pretty heated, you know, before they're gonna start to pay attention. But dad, you know, can change the tone of his voice just a little bit, and they're like, snap to attention. What do you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Do you have any advice for dads who may be struggling with this? And I'll share with you really quickly after. I spoke recently at a parenting event, and I was talking about how sometimes we can use shaming language as parents, like generalizing, a behavioral struggle into a character flaw. Like, instead of saying, you know, I can see you're struggling with this. How can I help you in this moment? Just, why are you always so lazy? Why do you have to make everything difficult? Why can you never be ready on time? You know, all of those things. And this dad came up to me, Tricia, and he had tears in his eyes. And he said, I did that to my son this morning. And my, heart just broke for him. I said, how old's your son? And he said, four. I said, well, the good news is you've got a lot of time. You still have a lot of time to learn. But wherever they are, what words of wisdom can you give for dads to step more comfortably into that moment.
Tricia Thornton: I want to give them permission to feel, give them permission to know that no matter how you were raised and how you feelings were received as a child, you also have the power within your brain to shift of how you feel now and how those feelings are received. And one of the most beautiful examples of that is Jesus. He goes away. Usually he goes and has alone time to reset garden at Gethsemane. He goes away and resets and then comes back to his disciples. I, often tell dads and moms too, but I often tell dads, if you need to reset your shift and you're feeling really frustrated and you're about to, if you have the ability in that moment to pause and you're about to say the, the shaming thing that you don't really want to say, exit the room. I'd rather the child have three more minutes of TV or on the iPad, then have to have that situation where they feel frustrated, the parent feels really upset that they have said the thing they don't want to say. I'd rather just the child watch a little bit more. You go in the room, do some jumping jacks, do some deep breaths.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Tricia, I'm going to hold you right there. We're going to practice the pause as we have a break coming up right in the middle of this conversation. Listen, we'll have more help and hope and beyond Blessed Parenting with Tricia Thornton when we come back. Don't go away.
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Holy Forever (Christmas) by Chris Tomlin: Held within a manger, the son of God arrived. The one who would be called Emmanuel. The promise was delivered unto a virgin bride. The one who would be called Emmanuel. Your name is the highest. Your name is the greatest. Your name stands above them all. All thrones and Dominions all powers and positions Your name stands above them all and the angels cry holy. All creation cries Holy. You are lifted high Holy. Holy forever.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is holy forever Christmas. The Christmas version of that song by Chris Tomlin. Definitely playing a lot on my playlist, and I thank you for playing us on your playlist today. We're talking today to Tricia Thornton about her book, Beyond Blessed Parenting. And we're talking about how to stay with that mindset that parenting is indeed blessed over the holidays. And we're. Tricia, before the break, we were just talking about dads specifically and taking a moment and really setting yourself up for success. That's what you were talking about. And that is so important for us at the holidays. And I know that sometimes we just feel pressured as parents to give our kids experiences. We feel like we have to do all the traditions, every single one of them. We've got to, you know, watch this certain show, go look at the lights, we've got to bake. We've got to do whatever it is that we're going to do, get them these gifts. So we're running all over town, you know, to do all the things when really our kids want connection. And sometimes so much of the pressure that we feel we are putting on ourselves. And I know that my own kids have told me, mom, we'd much rather you be home and relaxed and happy than running all over and then mad that we're not grateful enough for what you're doing for us, which we never asked you to do in the place First. First place. That is a tough guilt trip. But you actually have three P's that you want to give us. Prepare, prioritize, perspective. That will help set ourselves up for success. Whether you're mom, dad, this is for spouses, too. for anybody who is interacting with family, I think this would be a helpful. Just little checklist before we get into this gauntlet of the holidays.
Tricia Thornton: Absolutely, yes.
Prepare, prioritize, perspective for the holiday season, Tricia says
So in Beyond Blessed Parenting, I talk about the three Ps of parenting. And it's exactly what you said it is all about. Prepare, prioritize, perspective. And that is within us. So how can we, for example, this week, whether you have college kids coming home or you have preschoolers getting out of school there. How do you prepare within your heart, within your brain, that they are going to feel tired, overwhelmed, not on schedule. They will have eaten more sugar, typically than they usually do. So how do you prepare yourself during the day before the little cutie pies, no matter what age those cutie Pies are, are going to be coming in your presence.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Because that sounds like me, Tricia. I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be off schedule. I'm going to be eating things I usually don't eat. Like you're talking about me too. I feel like.
Tricia Thornton: Yeah, so we. That's what exactly I was gonna say. We all are doing the same things. We're all overwhelmed, we're all tired. I just was in the hallway with two other therapists and we were passing in the hallway and I was like, are you hanging in? They were like, we're hanging in. We're all tired. We really are. So how can you prepare yourself to not feel so reactive? So my encouragement is whether you have that moment of silence and it's only 10 seconds, it's maybe an hour. That's fabulous. But most of us aren't going to have that. So what can you sprinkle in your day? So to be able to prepare yourself and then make some plans. So do you have to do every single tradition on the list? Is there one or two traditions that you could maybe give up? I had somebody the other day said, but they always go see the Christmas lights. And I'm like, is this the last year that the Christmas lights are going to be up?
Dr. Jessica Peck: That.
Tricia Thornton: And they just kind of, you know. No, you know, And I'm like, well, the Christmas lights are going to be there next year, so pick and choose. Which ones do you really want to do? And it's okay if you want to do some of them. Of course I don't want you to go change everything, but is there a reason why we have to do it all? So that would be making a plan. Pick and choose. That's prioritized. But also prioritize is to prioritize your own self care. The biggest model we can give to our children in this holiday season is that we are going to prioritize some downtime. That we're going to prioritize some time where we're just going to connect within ourself and with God and then we're going to connect with each other. So that would be that piece. And then the last is perspective. Remember, a child's brain is not fully developed till mid-20s, 20s, till around 24, 26, 25, right around there you have got your kids all the way through school and they don't have the full prefrontal cortex connections. That's hard to imagine. Sometimes I laugh and think, I can't wait to talk to God about this. 1. But it is mind boggling that we sometimes expect so much from our kids when they don't have the circuitry to be able to process it and tell you. So. One great thing to remember is there is a message behind every behavior. Every behavior, every meltdown, every roll of the eyes, every huff, every snarky comment, and every hug even, there is a message behind it. And can we pause long enough as mamas and daddies and grandparents and aunts and uncles, whoever, friends to be able to go, oh, what are they trying to tell me? Because their brain can't say it always. They don't have the ability to. So I love to make sure we have that perspective when we're going into the holiday season. And we sometimes don't have it all together and be able to say it either. So how can we say that without many words? One of the key points too is can you tap into each other's love languages? I love the idea of that and making that the way that you communicate with each other and intentionally giving those.
Dr. Jessica Peck: To each other this year, that's really helpful, Tricia. And I think what you're saying, I hope that everybody listening really catches that. That, when you see those behaviors that are perhaps undesirable, unattractive, unbecoming, those are messages that your kids are trying to give you or even your spouse that's saying, I need something. I need something. And I think it's so important what you just said that we think, well, why don't they just tell us? Like, why don't they just come to us and say, you know, I'm feeling overwhelmed. But you know, Tricia, again, as we're talking, as an adult, I feel that way. You know, I, I was, I was.
Tricia Thornton: Just gonna say that. Yes.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah, I lost my, my very sweet granny, not too long ago. And I can be easily triggered by grief at Christmas. And I find myself becoming really reactive now, even for me, I'm not thinking, oh, well, this happened earlier. That reminded me of my grandmother, and I've been walking around with that grief. But no, it just happens when we lash out. And you said, how can we prepare ourselves not to be reactive? And I think there's a. There's a difference between reacting to a behavior and responding to a message. So how can we. I know.
Tricia Thornton: I just.
Dr. Jessica Peck: That was, that was the Lord that just gave me that. I'm thinking, okay, I don't want to react to a behavior. Just, why are you acting like this? Why do you have to do this?
Tricia Thornton: This.
Dr. Jessica Peck: We're Supposed to, you know, you. You need to make me look good here in front of all the family.
Tricia Thornton: Like I,
Dr. Jessica Peck: Your job is to make everybody believe that I'm a good parent. I need you, and I'm giving you the job of validating me. That is a job we cannot give parents. How can we shift our mindset to respond to the message that they're giving to us, but giving to us through behavior?
Tricia Thornton: Yeah, so I was just saying that how can we acknowledge those, like, how can we connect with children that first. I know I've said it on here a few minutes earlier, but if we don't pause and acknowledge that we're having a big something within us, we're not going to be able to respond. We're going to react. So when I say perspective, remember that. That you first have to acknowledge, whoa, I am feeling. Even in. If it comes on you like yours does in a moment, that's what grief does. It just hits us like a storm in our brain. So if that happens, are you able, because you've prepared before, are you able to just sit there for a second and say, whoa, I'm going to name what I'm feeling in me. Me. And then, you're able to respond to the message. But if we just try to respond without acknowledging how we're feeling inside first, it's. It's really hard to do that because it's just going to become more reactive. So my first thought would be, how can we first inside of us say, I feel really overwhelmed, or I feel extremely sad. there's a lot of news right now that's very heartbreaking and heart wrenching going around. So when we can we acknowledge that this feels really heavy, like there's a reason why our brains are tired right now. So acknowledge that heavy heart that we're all carrying. And that's okay. Just to acknowledge that and then respond from that knowledged place that's going to be able to provide that response in a connecting way rather than a reacting.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Way, well, that is convicting for me because I was. It's so hard. I was feeling that yesterday, but I didn't make the connection. But when I paused for a moment and thought, oh, I'm. I'm feeling some grief here. And then I can communicate that, okay, hey, I'm really missing my granny right now. And then my kids can understand that better.
Dr. Jessica Peck: They.
Tricia Thornton: It.
Dr. Jessica Peck: The, the message changes from, you know, oh, avoid mom because she's in a mood to, you know, hey, mom's feeling really Sad. Just treat her extra tender. Like it was so sweet the way that they came around me. And we can do that for our kids too. So I really hope that our listeners.
Tricia Thornton: Will take that home. Young children, like, even if you didn't have high school age, you can look at a little one and say, mommy's sad. Mommy misses her friend. Mommy misses her mom or her grandmom. It's okay to say that. I think sometimes we get scared to bring up hard because we're afraid it's gonna taint our child or put that in their head. But they need to know that mommies and daddies have big feelings. They see it. They are. They already see us have big feelings. So why not just kind of talk through that? When you're in a place of connection, that's the time to have a discussion with them. I love it. You have to repair. Yeah, I think we said that earlier. Parenting is all about repair. It's reconnect, repair, reconnect, repair it. That's just what it's about.
Tricia: It is never too late to repair a relationship
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, and you give such a message of hope, Tricia, that it is never too late to repair a relationship. And there are a lot of people who are going to be walking into decades of conflict and, and relationships that just seem impossible. What message of hope would you give people for that is it is never too late.
Tricia Thornton: I m. Have seen repair happen in my office for couples who feel that they are really done. I've seen repair. We've seen repair throughout scripture. That's the guidebook for repair. We know that, that through our relationship with Christ, that's where forgiveness lives. So we know that repair is possible. And so my hope and encouragement and prayer for our listeners is to know that it's never too late. God is always there with us to repair within us so we can repair with others.
Dr. Jessica Peck: It is never too late. Tricia, thank you so much for sharing your story and for giving us that hope. It always gives me hope. Hope to talk to people who have experienced tough things in their life. But instead of being bitter about it, being resentful, what, what the enemy intended for evil, God has used for good. And a story of redemption and hope and help for so many other people. And I just want to thank you today for reminding parents that perfection is unattainable, but deep life giving, authentic, beautiful connection truly is within reach. If you want to know more about this connection, which I firmly believe, by the way, that there is nothing that parents and kids can't face together. No trial, no trauma, no tragedy, no trouble. That they can't face when you have a strong connection. And you may say, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds tomorrow, and I trust him implicitly. And we will get through this together. The book is called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Embrace these seven principles and Experience Authentic Connection by Tricia Thornton. And again, Tricia, thank you so much for sharing that today. These words that are comforting, but also a calling. We're so grateful for your voice in this space and wherever you are in pursuing connection with your family. I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you. Merry Christmas, friends. I'll see you right back here tomorrow.
Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
Dr. Jessica Peck prescribes hope for healthy families on American Family Radio
Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends. Merry Christmas. Welcome to my favorite time of day, my favorite time of year. We've got a great dose of hope for you. But before we get to my guest today, I want to remind you that this week is pretty exciting because we have an exciting opportunity for you. If you have already regular listener of the show, you will be familiar with another show here on American Family Radio called Hannah's Heart that walks families through infertility, child loss, miscarriage, all of those things that can be painful experiences sometimes in starting a family. But they have really built a beautiful community. And they're having their first ever inaugural conference in Tupelo, Mississippi in January. And this week they're running a special where you can get half off of registration and you can go to afr.net/hhc2026 That's Hannah's Heart Conference 2026. So someone you know needs to know about that, and I hope that you will be able to go. Maybe it would even make a great gift.
Tricia Thornton writes Beyond Blessed Parenting about authentic connection with children
But the gift that we're giving you today is a talk about parenting. Now, I am definitely in the trenches on this. I've got kids who are from high school all the way up through college and young adult. I'm in that stage of parenting, but definitely have been in the earlier stages. But remember colic like it was yesterday? Remember toddler tantrums in the middle of the grocery store like it was, this morning? It can feel like I can still feel embarrassed at some of those things that happened, you know, just that are come with parenting. But in a world of today, parents can feel very overwhelmed. And it seems like every day there's something new to be afraid of. And this world is marked by anxiety and trauma and living at the speed of a smartphone. There is never any doubt, a downtime. And many parents are asking the deeper question of how do I truly connect with my child without losing myself in the process? If you're very honest, this is a question that every parent has asked themselves. Maybe you've asked yourself that as you're vacuuming crushed goldfish out of the back of a minivan, thinking, how did my life come to this? Or you're waiting up at night for a teen who's missed m curfew. There are all across the spectrum of those experiences, and I'm so delighted to bring to you today Our guest, she is a therapist, she's an author, she's a speaker. Her name is Tricia Thornton, and she has a book called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Now, this is really automatically caught my attention because so often we treat parenting like it's a burden. And it is. There, are challenges sometimes for sure, but it is beautiful and it is blessed. And so this book is called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Embrace these seven principles and experience authentic connection. I think that's what every parent wants with their child. If you're invested in your parenting journey, you really want to connect. And Tricia is inviting you to something deeper than just behavior management, which so often we're guilty of, or honestly, just survival parenting. And she's calling you today into authentic connection. So, Tricia, welcome to the show. We are so delighted to have you here. Thank you for joining us.
Tricia Thornton: Thank you so much for having me.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Tricia, let's just start with a little of your story. Just tell us a little bit of your testimony, faith and your family story and how you came to have a calling in your life to equip parents.
Tricia Thornton: Yes. Thank you. Well, I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia. So I grew up in the south, and I grew up in a family where, it was pretty typical. It was a mom and dad, and I have an older sister. But it. About six and a half, I experienced two traumatic events in my little world. And I, at six and a half, didn't quite have. Obviously, neurologically, I didn't have the brain circuitry to comprehend all that was going on. My grandmother was killed in our driveway, in a tragic way. Right. in our. In our driveway, in our new home. And then three weeks later, we experienced a robbery and an intruder coming in our home. So right away, six and a half, I just. My little world went from kind of what was pretty safe. I. I think I always had a little bit of a, kind of an anxious brain. I think I always was the child who had a little hard time going to sleep and little scared of the dark and. And had some of those kind of fears. But my world shifted from that day, and fear became imprinted in every of my brain. And I don't think I really grasped that even through college at Vanderbilt and graduate school at Denver Seminary until I was really in Denver Seminary. My parents, unfortunately had a divorce. And so when that all kind of hit, I began to realize, something has kind of been holding me back for a long time. So I began to explore it then, and the. And my faith was growing the whole time. I Grew up pretty much in a home where we went to what I call holiday church and we would go at the big holidays. And I, had a draw to church always. I kind of, remember many days just feeling like that was a safe place for me. I felt very comforted, but didn't really have a connection until I was in high school. And then through an outreach ministry, I was able to really understand the personal relationship part of Christianity. And so that began to really kind of become a part of me in high school and that grew. And so when I got to graduate school in seminary and I really began to explore how does all this fit together? It began to really be apparent to me that, wow, fear really kind of has imprinted upon me. So then fast forward became a therapist working with children and families and around kind of that midlife, late 40s, 50, I began to really explore through writing. And I wrote my first book called Blessing from Fear. And that began a journey that was a beautiful journey and has continued. I have a private practice in therapy where I work with parents and do, ah, parent coaching and I work with adults all the way down to three year olds as a, as a, registered play therapist. So that's kind of it in a nutshell. But it started out with those traumatic experiences. And so I really have a heart in an understanding of how trauma can imprint upon our brains. And so that's really what draws me to helping with parents and children.
Tricia says that fear imprinted on her soul after childhood trauma
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Tricia, I know that, that those things happened many years ago, but please just let me say I'm so, so that you experienced those things. My heart just breaks for any child who experiences trauma like that. And it is sobering and heartbreaking even now to hear you say that. That is your story, you know, going back, that it, it imprinted. And I want to sit in that word for just a minute because you used it a few times. I actually wrote it down when you were saying it, I think.
Tricia Thornton: Do you like that word?
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah, it's really good description of what happens sometimes when you experience something traumatic and you feel like that fear imprints on your soul and you try really hard to overcome it and you try to learn coping skills or you try just to get out of it on your own power. But how did you, how do you come to a place where you, what is the word? Where you overcome it, where you accept it, where you cope with it, where you, you know, learn to decorate in spite of the imprint? What do you do once you have the realization that that is imprinted on your soul? Like you said, we know that part of that is even imprinted on our DNA because of the way that trauma impacts us.
Tricia Thornton: What.
Dr. Jessica Peck: What do you do about it when you have that realization?
Tricia Thornton: Yeah.
The word that came to my mind when you were talking was choice
So the word that came to my mind when you were talking was choice. So we were given a beautiful brain. God created our brain with an amazing ability to choose. Even though some days it doesn't feel like you have a choice other than to maybe sit up in your bed or maybe to get up and walk outside for three or four minutes when you. Sometimes we can feel really, really, really low and. Or really hurried, and we're rushing, like, at this time of year from event to event, and everything's coming at us at, kind of warp speed. I loved how you said in the intro, at speed, of a smartphone. Thank you. That was so good. Yeah. Speed of a smartphone. That's exactly how we feel.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah.
Tricia Thornton: But we do have to remember. And this is where I think Romans 12:2 really, really has a hold on me. I love that verse. I've. I use it throughout both of my books, is that we were given the power to renew our mind. And so we do have the power to choose, even in the darkest moments. And there are some days that all we can think of positively is that maybe we like the socks that we have on. A lot of times use that with children. They'll come in and I'll say, hey, tell me two, you know, pretty good things and two not so good things. And sometimes they look at me and they're like, I don't know. I don't really have any, you know, pretty good. And so I was like, well, let's break it down.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Do you.
Tricia Thornton: Did you like your snack today? No. Okay, well, did you, like.
Tricia Thornton: Was a friend nice to you today? And they may say yes or no. And eventually we get down, and I'm like, do you like your socks? You have one? And they're like, well, yeah, okay. And I'm like, okay, then that's what you're thankful for today. So sometimes we have to kind of shift our mindset, and it takes a lot of intentionality and as parents, just to kind of. From a parent perspective, there's nothing more triggering. When you were talking about the. The meltdown in the grocery store, there's nothing more triggering than our children to us, even really traumatic losses and trauma and trauma experiences. Sometimes our kids push our buttons in ways that we didn't even know we had that button. And so sometimes it does feel really daunting for us as parents. But we can remember that we do have a choice. We do have the power because our God, God gave us this beautiful brain and with the ability to mindset shift, and that's hard to do. But throughout the beyond, less I give some really good solution, like transformative tools that allow you to know how to do that. You know, the.
Dr. Jessica Peck: The funny thing is, Tricia, we don't want those tools. You know, we. We have been poisoned in some ways, I think by society in wanting instant gratification. We want an instant fix. We don't want to do the work that is required sometimes. And I think what you're saying about choices is so important, and that's important for our mindset. Because the way that I say it a lot of times to, you know, kids when I'm talking to them is, hey, what happened to you is not your fault. But how you heal from it is your choice. And how you choose to heal from it is your choice. And we, we can give ourselves such a hard time when we're not instantly cured, you know, when we're not instantly over the fear, when we can't instantly erase that imprint. But we can celebrate the process of renewing our mind. I love that you brought that up from Romans 12. That's one of my favorite verses about being transformed by the renewing of our mind. And it comes through those little choices. Like today, okay, we're having the meltdown in the grocery store. Like, I'm going to choo to just to leave or to be calm or whatever it is that, ah, little choice in the moment. And Tricia, I can't believe we're already coming up on our first break here. But when we come back, I really want to dive more into some of the guidance that you give in the book and some of those. Those tools that we desperately need. I think that parents need to envision it like they're. They're have a tool belt, like a master tool belt. And you learn, you know, you develop these tools like, okay, all right, I need to bring down the hammer right now. Okay. This is going to require a little more precision. I need some pliers or whatever it is. And I am. And my husband is probably laughing at me right now, thinking she's trying to do a tool analogy. How cute. But it is very true because I think, you know, back to your experiences of fear, Tricia, and that was in a world really before the smartphone was happening. And now what I see is parent. There's an undercurrent of fear that is running rampant in families. Parents are so afraid that their kids are going to make destructive choices. They're really afraid, afraid they're going to walk away from their faith. Kids are desperately afraid of what's going to happen in the world. Everything seems really unstable. Everything can change in a moment. They're being recorded all of the time. One careless word can send their life in a whole different direction. I mean, there is a lot of fear. What is celebrated today is canceled tomorrow. If they speak out on their faith, they can get kicked out of college. I mean, mean, all of these things, I think just the what if, the what if. But listen, when we come back, we're going to really dive into some practical tools that you can have from Tricia Thornton. The book is called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Embrace these seven principles and experience authentic connection. So listen, there's a lot more help and hope on the other side of this break. Don't go away. I want you to picture this. Her name is kayla. She is 17, alone, terrified and pregnant. Sitting in a clinic, tears blurring, thinking abortion is her only option until she was offered a free ultrasound, paid for by a hero just like you. The moment Kayla heard her baby's heartbeat, the decision was made. And today, her little baby boy, Gabrielle, is thriving because preborn walked with Kayla every step of the way. Now multiply that by 38,000. That's how many babies preborn has helped save just this year. How many mothers preborn has come alongside with practical and spiritual resources to make motherhood possible. But here's the most important thing you will hear today. Their goal is to save 70,000 by the end of the year. And they can't do it without us. Every $28 provides that ultrasound. The moment everything changes, will you be the reason the next Kayla chooses life? The reason Gabrielle fulfills his destiny. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250, baby. Or donate securely at preborn.com/AFR, that's preborn.comAFR.
I Still Believe In Christmas by Anne Wilson: the choir singing carols. Bells are ring and streets are bright It's Christmas all around me so why is Christmas hard to find? December snow is falling down like I am to my knees I could use some hope right now? Cause right now hope is hard to see Help me still believe. For. God So loved this broken world he sent his only son To a carpenter and a teenage girl to show us all his love he left his home in heaven to make heaven my home My Emmanuel is with me and I'll never be alone down here my heart can't find much to believe in But I still believe in Christmas.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That's I Still Believe in Christmas by Anne Wilson. And we are talking today about how to connect with your kids, especially over Christmas. You may have more time on your hands if you're on a break from school. If your kids are adults and they're visiting, there is such a great opportunity for authentic connection. And let me tell you, God has put that in the hearts of children, a desire to connect with their parents. And today we're talking about to author and therapist Tricia Thornton and what she has written a book called Beyond Blessed Parenting. One of the most powerful ideas in this book is that connection, not perfection, is the true goal of parenting. And Tricia blends neuroscience and psychology and spiritual formation as a holistic approach, which I really appreciate to show parents how healing and growth begin from the inside out.
Tricia says parents need help connecting with their children through play
And, Tricia, before the break, in the first segment, you were telling us about the traumatic experiences that you had at just six years old. And we were starting to talk about some of the ways that trauma imprints on the brain. And you pointed out when you and I were talking during the break, and it's so important for our listeners to remember this, too, that trauma can be big T trauma, like a big traumatic event like you described, or it can be little T trauma, just those chronic underlying stresses, financial stress, relationship conflict, that can impact kids. And sometimes it can be the small thing that can have a big impact because there's such a beautiful, complex interaction of, genetics and temperament and disposition and environmental support factors, all of those things that are there. But I want to know what your work daily, Tricia, with families. You see families every day who are navigating big T trauma, little T trauma, fear, anxiety. What are you seeing in your practice that told you how much this message of beyond blessed parenting was needed?
Tricia Thornton: Yeah, I didn't really feel like I had a choice not to write the book. I, over time, was starting to realize that parents were feeling lost, feeling completely overwhelmed. And what was happening is there was such a trigger for them to want to fix and want to make it better for their children. It was. I kind of. And I still feel like this is hard for parents innately. We. It is really hard for us to see our child in pain of any kind. It could be physical, emotional, it could be little too big. And our natural response, our natural brain response is to rush in and redirect and try to make it better. And sometimes we need to just, Take a pause. I like to call it embrace the pause and see if there's a way that we can first connect first with God within ourself. I call it the cross of connection. So first connecting within, with God within ourself, with a partner or with a community, with a spouse or a friend, and then with your children. So it's a lot of connecting up top before we even connect with our children. And that's what drew me to write the book. I felt like we needed some more really kind, of, I don't know, easy to do solutions that make it not so overwhelming for us to connect with our children. Because I think some days I. I usually say connection always wins over comparison. That's what a child's brain. So God made our brain have this sense of, needing connection. It goes back to Adam and Eve, and we were literally created to be connective beings. And so. But often what happens is doing gets in the way instead of just being. And so that's where I feel like in my office, I see it daily. I see parents come in, whether they are experiencing little to big. They look at me a lot of times and they just say things like, I just, I want to make sure I'm not doing it wrong. I want to make sure I'm doing it right. Or I may. I'm afraid I'm going to mess it up. And when a parent feels that overwhelmed and that much pressure, then we become more reactive. And so what I try to do is help give them tools and give them first just connecting with them and allowing a chance for them to feel that they have a place to vent that voice. And that's exactly what I do in my playroom, in my playroom as registered play therapist, I'm allowing a child to show me their inner world through their natural language of play. And it's beautiful. Every single day, I have children come in through play and tell me about experiences from little to big. But through that power of that connection tool, which is play. And it. It is beautiful. And there are times where I look at a parent and I'm like, when I'm kind of telling them about how things are going. And I'll say, they could never have told me that in like, a complete sentence, but they can show me through the tool of play. So that's what drew me to write the book and feel this need to keep working with parents and children.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Tricia, what you're saying is so simple, but it's really not easy. And you remind me m In pediatrics, when I'm working and we say we're having occupational therapists come in for pediatrics, there's always this confusion, like occupational therapists, like, what are children doing for work? And I'm like, playing. Playing is the work of children. And there is so much therapy and connection that can happen through play. And Tricia, you really hit it right on the head. Because I think as parents today, we feel this pressure to fix everything, that everything has an instant solution. And there's. Especially the holidays. I think sometimes we put an extra amount of stress on ourselves to do that. When our kids, we know maybe they're not going to. We're not able to provide for them in way that we wanted to, or they're going to have to, you know, go between parents, house if there is divorce in the situation, or, you know, just, they're going to be with one of our families where there's broken relationships. They're going to have some exposure to conflict or whatever it is. They're missing someone who has just died. We feel this pressure just to fix it. And I, you know, I think it's so important for parents to understand that when you make that connection, whether it's your through play, through an encouraging hug, through just sitting there with them, through giving them encouraging words, you are literally turning off a toxic sludge of that. Of stress chemicals that's bathing their brain. If you can just imagine in your mind, it's like a faucet. When that stress response happens, your brain starts, you know, secreting all of these stress hormones. And when you make that connection, it turns the faucet on and it gives your brain a moment to reset and to. And. And. And that's the building blocks of resilience. And so often we don't give ourselves credit for that as parents, Tricia, we're like, well, yeah, yeah, I mean, of course I'm going to be there. Of course I'm going to tell them I love them. Of course I'm going to, you know, be supportive. No, that's. That's the main work. The main work is not fixing the situation. It's teaching them those resilience skills. So what do you believe? We have a gap here, Tricia, where, you know, we're. We're saying, okay, we know what we're supposed to do. We know our brain is broken in the way it thinks about it. What is the first step for a parent to take to think? Okay, I'm listening. I really want to connect with my kids over this holiday break. How do I do that? What do you tell them? Where do you tell them to start?
Tricia Thornton: Okay, so the first one of the first steps to do this is my first principle in Beyond Blessed parenting is silence. And the second one is listening. But that's not necessary. Oh, very hard. I'm not saying these are easy, but they can be done. that is not necessarily us listening to our children. It is. It's part of it. But what first start has to happen.
Tricia: What is the most important thing we can do as parents
So the. I get often asked, what is the most important thing we can do as parents? Parents. And it actually is to help ourselves first. It's to attend to us first. So first thing is, we need to sprinkle in some moments of silence and listening within our day. That may only be when you are in the restroom. It may only be. And that may not even be alone. If you've got little ones knocking on the door or a toddler sitting there staring at you but it. Or in your lap even. But it can be done that within your brain, can you first acknowledge the overwhelm? So I first say name it to tame it. That is Dan Siegel's beautiful phrase that. I love that. If we can just begin to be curious and notice, wow, I am really having this massive feeling. And I'm not all sure what it's about, but I'm, going to just name literally out loud to yourself or to a spouse or to. Through prayer, through worship and name. I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so much pressure right now. If we can do that, and if you can't say it out loud, that's okay. Say it within your head. We will begin to take away some of that power that. That negative has over us. That's that mindse shift. And when you talk about that sludge, I love the idea of turning the faucet off. I don't know if it's possible in this season to turn it completely off, but we can slow the drip. That's what I. I want to encourage parents, like, it's hard to turn it off, but can we slow the drip of the rush of the water? And I think the way we can do that is to begin to go, okay, first, I'm just going to allow myself in this moment. Even if you have a toddler sitting right beside you in the bed, even if your baby is right there, your older child is coming in the middle of the night, it doesn't matter. Say to that child or to your spouse or to whoever, say to that person, I need one minute of a little bit of silence. Silence and so we're just going to sit here, and that child may be stewing in its little britches in that moment. But see if in that moment, you can model being still in silent for just 30 seconds to one minute. And I guarantee that the child will begin to go over time. This may not be instant, but over time they're going to see because your mirror neurons are going to mirror to that their neurons and pick up, up. Oh, it's okay to be silent. It's okay to be still, it's okay to listen. That's going to be a beautiful, powerful connection that will build over time.
Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, Tricia, as you're talking, I think just being candid, I think that some of these things that you're saying are really will resonate with moms. As a mom, I'm thinking, yes, I am definitely going to do this. I have done this. I'll say, mama needs a minute. I think it can be harder for dads to do this. And just in the conversations I've had with my husband, just even naming and taming their emotion, like, you know, dads will show frustration. They will often show frustration, you know, in. In a different way. And kids receive their dad's frustration in a lot different way that they receive their moms. Like, my kids have a pretty high tolerance for my frustration. Like, I gotta get pretty heated, you know, before they're gonna start to pay attention. But dad, you know, can change the tone of his voice just a little bit, and they're like, snap to attention. What do you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Do you have any advice for dads who may be struggling with this? And I'll share with you really quickly after. I spoke recently at a parenting event, and I was talking about how sometimes we can use shaming language as parents, like generalizing, a behavioral struggle into a character flaw. Like, instead of saying, you know, I can see you're struggling with this. How can I help you in this moment? Just, why are you always so lazy? Why do you have to make everything difficult? Why can you never be ready on time? You know, all of those things. And this dad came up to me, Tricia, and he had tears in his eyes. And he said, I did that to my son this morning. And my, heart just broke for him. I said, how old's your son? And he said, four. I said, well, the good news is you've got a lot of time. You still have a lot of time to learn. But wherever they are, what words of wisdom can you give for dads to step more comfortably into that moment.
Tricia Thornton: I want to give them permission to feel, give them permission to know that no matter how you were raised and how you feelings were received as a child, you also have the power within your brain to shift of how you feel now and how those feelings are received. And one of the most beautiful examples of that is Jesus. He goes away. Usually he goes and has alone time to reset garden at Gethsemane. He goes away and resets and then comes back to his disciples. I, often tell dads and moms too, but I often tell dads, if you need to reset your shift and you're feeling really frustrated and you're about to, if you have the ability in that moment to pause and you're about to say the, the shaming thing that you don't really want to say, exit the room. I'd rather the child have three more minutes of TV or on the iPad, then have to have that situation where they feel frustrated, the parent feels really upset that they have said the thing they don't want to say. I'd rather just the child watch a little bit more. You go in the room, do some jumping jacks, do some deep breaths.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Tricia, I'm going to hold you right there. We're going to practice the pause as we have a break coming up right in the middle of this conversation. Listen, we'll have more help and hope and beyond Blessed Parenting with Tricia Thornton when we come back. Don't go away.
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Holy Forever (Christmas) by Chris Tomlin: Held within a manger, the son of God arrived. The one who would be called Emmanuel. The promise was delivered unto a virgin bride. The one who would be called Emmanuel. Your name is the highest. Your name is the greatest. Your name stands above them all. All thrones and Dominions all powers and positions Your name stands above them all and the angels cry holy. All creation cries Holy. You are lifted high Holy. Holy forever.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is holy forever Christmas. The Christmas version of that song by Chris Tomlin. Definitely playing a lot on my playlist, and I thank you for playing us on your playlist today. We're talking today to Tricia Thornton about her book, Beyond Blessed Parenting. And we're talking about how to stay with that mindset that parenting is indeed blessed over the holidays. And we're. Tricia, before the break, we were just talking about dads specifically and taking a moment and really setting yourself up for success. That's what you were talking about. And that is so important for us at the holidays. And I know that sometimes we just feel pressured as parents to give our kids experiences. We feel like we have to do all the traditions, every single one of them. We've got to, you know, watch this certain show, go look at the lights, we've got to bake. We've got to do whatever it is that we're going to do, get them these gifts. So we're running all over town, you know, to do all the things when really our kids want connection. And sometimes so much of the pressure that we feel we are putting on ourselves. And I know that my own kids have told me, mom, we'd much rather you be home and relaxed and happy than running all over and then mad that we're not grateful enough for what you're doing for us, which we never asked you to do in the place First. First place. That is a tough guilt trip. But you actually have three P's that you want to give us. Prepare, prioritize, perspective. That will help set ourselves up for success. Whether you're mom, dad, this is for spouses, too. for anybody who is interacting with family, I think this would be a helpful. Just little checklist before we get into this gauntlet of the holidays.
Tricia Thornton: Absolutely, yes.
Prepare, prioritize, perspective for the holiday season, Tricia says
So in Beyond Blessed Parenting, I talk about the three Ps of parenting. And it's exactly what you said it is all about. Prepare, prioritize, perspective. And that is within us. So how can we, for example, this week, whether you have college kids coming home or you have preschoolers getting out of school there. How do you prepare within your heart, within your brain, that they are going to feel tired, overwhelmed, not on schedule. They will have eaten more sugar, typically than they usually do. So how do you prepare yourself during the day before the little cutie pies, no matter what age those cutie Pies are, are going to be coming in your presence.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Because that sounds like me, Tricia. I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be off schedule. I'm going to be eating things I usually don't eat. Like you're talking about me too. I feel like.
Tricia Thornton: Yeah, so we. That's what exactly I was gonna say. We all are doing the same things. We're all overwhelmed, we're all tired. I just was in the hallway with two other therapists and we were passing in the hallway and I was like, are you hanging in? They were like, we're hanging in. We're all tired. We really are. So how can you prepare yourself to not feel so reactive? So my encouragement is whether you have that moment of silence and it's only 10 seconds, it's maybe an hour. That's fabulous. But most of us aren't going to have that. So what can you sprinkle in your day? So to be able to prepare yourself and then make some plans. So do you have to do every single tradition on the list? Is there one or two traditions that you could maybe give up? I had somebody the other day said, but they always go see the Christmas lights. And I'm like, is this the last year that the Christmas lights are going to be up?
Dr. Jessica Peck: That.
Tricia Thornton: And they just kind of, you know. No, you know, And I'm like, well, the Christmas lights are going to be there next year, so pick and choose. Which ones do you really want to do? And it's okay if you want to do some of them. Of course I don't want you to go change everything, but is there a reason why we have to do it all? So that would be making a plan. Pick and choose. That's prioritized. But also prioritize is to prioritize your own self care. The biggest model we can give to our children in this holiday season is that we are going to prioritize some downtime. That we're going to prioritize some time where we're just going to connect within ourself and with God and then we're going to connect with each other. So that would be that piece. And then the last is perspective. Remember, a child's brain is not fully developed till mid-20s, 20s, till around 24, 26, 25, right around there you have got your kids all the way through school and they don't have the full prefrontal cortex connections. That's hard to imagine. Sometimes I laugh and think, I can't wait to talk to God about this. 1. But it is mind boggling that we sometimes expect so much from our kids when they don't have the circuitry to be able to process it and tell you. So. One great thing to remember is there is a message behind every behavior. Every behavior, every meltdown, every roll of the eyes, every huff, every snarky comment, and every hug even, there is a message behind it. And can we pause long enough as mamas and daddies and grandparents and aunts and uncles, whoever, friends to be able to go, oh, what are they trying to tell me? Because their brain can't say it always. They don't have the ability to. So I love to make sure we have that perspective when we're going into the holiday season. And we sometimes don't have it all together and be able to say it either. So how can we say that without many words? One of the key points too is can you tap into each other's love languages? I love the idea of that and making that the way that you communicate with each other and intentionally giving those.
Dr. Jessica Peck: To each other this year, that's really helpful, Tricia. And I think what you're saying, I hope that everybody listening really catches that. That, when you see those behaviors that are perhaps undesirable, unattractive, unbecoming, those are messages that your kids are trying to give you or even your spouse that's saying, I need something. I need something. And I think it's so important what you just said that we think, well, why don't they just tell us? Like, why don't they just come to us and say, you know, I'm feeling overwhelmed. But you know, Tricia, again, as we're talking, as an adult, I feel that way. You know, I, I was, I was.
Tricia Thornton: Just gonna say that. Yes.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Yeah, I lost my, my very sweet granny, not too long ago. And I can be easily triggered by grief at Christmas. And I find myself becoming really reactive now, even for me, I'm not thinking, oh, well, this happened earlier. That reminded me of my grandmother, and I've been walking around with that grief. But no, it just happens when we lash out. And you said, how can we prepare ourselves not to be reactive? And I think there's a. There's a difference between reacting to a behavior and responding to a message. So how can we. I know.
Tricia Thornton: I just.
Dr. Jessica Peck: That was, that was the Lord that just gave me that. I'm thinking, okay, I don't want to react to a behavior. Just, why are you acting like this? Why do you have to do this?
Tricia Thornton: This.
Dr. Jessica Peck: We're Supposed to, you know, you. You need to make me look good here in front of all the family.
Tricia Thornton: Like I,
Dr. Jessica Peck: Your job is to make everybody believe that I'm a good parent. I need you, and I'm giving you the job of validating me. That is a job we cannot give parents. How can we shift our mindset to respond to the message that they're giving to us, but giving to us through behavior?
Tricia Thornton: Yeah, so I was just saying that how can we acknowledge those, like, how can we connect with children that first. I know I've said it on here a few minutes earlier, but if we don't pause and acknowledge that we're having a big something within us, we're not going to be able to respond. We're going to react. So when I say perspective, remember that. That you first have to acknowledge, whoa, I am feeling. Even in. If it comes on you like yours does in a moment, that's what grief does. It just hits us like a storm in our brain. So if that happens, are you able, because you've prepared before, are you able to just sit there for a second and say, whoa, I'm going to name what I'm feeling in me. Me. And then, you're able to respond to the message. But if we just try to respond without acknowledging how we're feeling inside first, it's. It's really hard to do that because it's just going to become more reactive. So my first thought would be, how can we first inside of us say, I feel really overwhelmed, or I feel extremely sad. there's a lot of news right now that's very heartbreaking and heart wrenching going around. So when we can we acknowledge that this feels really heavy, like there's a reason why our brains are tired right now. So acknowledge that heavy heart that we're all carrying. And that's okay. Just to acknowledge that and then respond from that knowledged place that's going to be able to provide that response in a connecting way rather than a reacting.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Way, well, that is convicting for me because I was. It's so hard. I was feeling that yesterday, but I didn't make the connection. But when I paused for a moment and thought, oh, I'm. I'm feeling some grief here. And then I can communicate that, okay, hey, I'm really missing my granny right now. And then my kids can understand that better.
Dr. Jessica Peck: They.
Tricia Thornton: It.
Dr. Jessica Peck: The, the message changes from, you know, oh, avoid mom because she's in a mood to, you know, hey, mom's feeling really Sad. Just treat her extra tender. Like it was so sweet the way that they came around me. And we can do that for our kids too. So I really hope that our listeners.
Tricia Thornton: Will take that home. Young children, like, even if you didn't have high school age, you can look at a little one and say, mommy's sad. Mommy misses her friend. Mommy misses her mom or her grandmom. It's okay to say that. I think sometimes we get scared to bring up hard because we're afraid it's gonna taint our child or put that in their head. But they need to know that mommies and daddies have big feelings. They see it. They are. They already see us have big feelings. So why not just kind of talk through that? When you're in a place of connection, that's the time to have a discussion with them. I love it. You have to repair. Yeah, I think we said that earlier. Parenting is all about repair. It's reconnect, repair, reconnect, repair it. That's just what it's about.
Tricia: It is never too late to repair a relationship
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, and you give such a message of hope, Tricia, that it is never too late to repair a relationship. And there are a lot of people who are going to be walking into decades of conflict and, and relationships that just seem impossible. What message of hope would you give people for that is it is never too late.
Tricia Thornton: I m. Have seen repair happen in my office for couples who feel that they are really done. I've seen repair. We've seen repair throughout scripture. That's the guidebook for repair. We know that, that through our relationship with Christ, that's where forgiveness lives. So we know that repair is possible. And so my hope and encouragement and prayer for our listeners is to know that it's never too late. God is always there with us to repair within us so we can repair with others.
Dr. Jessica Peck: It is never too late. Tricia, thank you so much for sharing your story and for giving us that hope. It always gives me hope. Hope to talk to people who have experienced tough things in their life. But instead of being bitter about it, being resentful, what, what the enemy intended for evil, God has used for good. And a story of redemption and hope and help for so many other people. And I just want to thank you today for reminding parents that perfection is unattainable, but deep life giving, authentic, beautiful connection truly is within reach. If you want to know more about this connection, which I firmly believe, by the way, that there is nothing that parents and kids can't face together. No trial, no trauma, no tragedy, no trouble. That they can't face when you have a strong connection. And you may say, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know who holds tomorrow, and I trust him implicitly. And we will get through this together. The book is called Beyond Blessed Parenting. Embrace these seven principles and Experience Authentic Connection by Tricia Thornton. And again, Tricia, thank you so much for sharing that today. These words that are comforting, but also a calling. We're so grateful for your voice in this space and wherever you are in pursuing connection with your family. I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you. Merry Christmas, friends. I'll see you right back here tomorrow.
Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
Tricia Thornton joins Jessica to talk about experiencing authentic connection with children and her book titled "Beyond Blessed Parenting"
Rx for Hope: Seek Authentic Connection
https://www.triciathornton.com/
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