American Family Radio thanks sponsor, Preborn for supporting pro life advocacy

Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword BABY or visit preborn.com/AFR hello

 : and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite time of day, getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. I hope you're having a great week. I know that some of you are getting ready for summer. You're just about to be out of school. Some of you have been out of school already for a while, while some of you are in VBS this week. And I am praying for all of the VBS workers. That is beautiful. Difficult, really, soul cleansing, purifying kind of work, but so important wherever you are in your summer. I'm so glad that you're here today, and I want to encourage you to think about going somewhere else. I know summer is going to go by much more quickly than most of us want it to, and I want to invite you to AFA at the Ark. We've been talking about that this week. It is October 29th, 9th and 30th at the Creation Museum and Ark Encounter in Kentucky. I have been there. It is so impressive. Actually, I'm going to give you a little spoiler because when you pull into the parking lot, you actually cannot see the Ark. And you're thinking, okay, they said the ark is big, but I don't see it. So this definitely feels like, where is it? Is it really not that big? But you go into the entrance and then you take a tram over to the Ark and it they have planned it just right so that when you come around the corner, all of a sudden it's. And it is way bigger than you could possibly imagine. And so you can go to afa.netevents that's afa.net events and click on AFA at the Ark, you will be able to meet AFA Vice Presidents Tony Vitagliano, Walker Wildmon, Wesley Wildmon, who will be there, and they will have some panel discussions and all kinds of other special events. So encourage you to check that out. The other thing you can check out this summer is the Ten Commandments Project. I've been talking about that with Pastor Joseph Parker. He hosts the Hour of Intercession in the middle of the night on afa. So if you're up with insomnia and you are hearing on on AFR the Hour of Intercession, I love, love, love to hear him pray. So encouraging for sure to hear him pray. And he is hosting the Ten Commandments Project. And you can this is mainly a child and youth discipleship project and it involves memorizing the Ten Commandments. You can write a speech, make a speech about it, and if you want to know more about it, you can email Pastor Joseph Parker or you can call him. So you can email him @ [email protected]  and just put Ten Commandments Project. It's a great thing for children ages 7 to 17. And that is going on through June 30th. You can also call them if you want to at 662 844-5036. And that's extension three eight one. But if you tell them that's who you want to talk to, they will be happy to get you connected there.

Today I'm going to answer listener questions about parenting 

Okay. So actually we had a guest lined up for today and unfortunately, as sometimes happens, she lost her voice and had to cancel. And so we are pivoting and I was thinking, okay, what do I want to talk to you about today? And I was reminded by the Lord that not too long ago I was at a parenting conference. And if you're watching on video, you can see I have in my hand all of these index cards. So every time I speak, I started going with a stack of index cards because I'm an index card and post it note, kind of old school kind of gal. And I have parents submit questions because I really want to have my finger on the pulse of what are parents asking now? I feel like I have my finger on the pulse of that as a professor who teaches pediatric primary care as a mom of four. But my kids are getting a little older now and and I do have younger nieces and nephews. But I'm just always really interested in what is on the hearts and minds of parents. And so I thought it would be a great opportunity for me just to pull some of these questions out and to answer them because I know if parents have them at this event that I was at, you likely have them too. And one of the things that's always interesting to me is that as I read through questions that parents give me is that they're often the same question. They're often parents are asking the same question, having the same struggles. And so we're going to have a ask doctor, Nurse, Mama Thursday here, just in the middle of, well, really the beginning of the summer, in the middle of the week here. And I want to encourage especially parents now, even if you're not a parent, you know a parent or you have a parent, and this is something that we can all learn from, encourage each other. And if you know a parent, speak words of life to them. Because let me tell you, one way that God did not design children was to give instant feedback. There aren't not children at home who are regularly affirming their parents saying, you know, mom, you just gave me the right balance of love and discipline today, and you didn't traumatize me for life from it. So I just wanted to thank you for that and let you know you did a good job. That doesn't happen. So if you see a parent doing a great job, especially out in the summer, if you see a parent in the library, tell them great job for encouraging reading. If you see a parent out enjoying nature, tell them, great job for having some screen free time. Give some encouragement to parents you know and parents you don't. And today I'm going to give encouragement to the parents who are listening and help the rest of us to encourage the parents that we know. And one thing that we say that we know, but we really don't know is that parenting is not about raising perfect children. Somehow we all tell ourselves that lie, and we believe the lie of culture, that children are products to be produced. And that is just not the case. We're all thinking about, okay, what kind of product are we going to produce as an adult, like, should be somebody who is well spoken, well mannered, well read. I mean, this is really the core of parenting is about faithfully pointing imperfect children by imperfect parents toward a perfect savior. And summer often can expose both the strengths and the stress points in our family. So the things that are good are really, really good. When you have free time and you're having movie night and game night and those kinds of things, that's really, really good. But if you're not as organized and, you know, you're trying to scurry around finding stuff and your kitchen's a mess, those stress points can really show up a little bit more, too. But more time together means more opportunities for growth and more opportunities for conflict. So today I'm going to answer listener questions. I hope to give you some Practical wisdom. Ah, some pediatric developmental considerations and insight and, and most of all some biblical encouragement. Children flourish when they experience both love and leadership. We have to have love and discipline in the same time. And the healthiest families are ones that are not built on either strict control or abject permissiveness where like I'm dictating all of the shots or anything goes. It is built on connection and consistency. Those are really the things that we should be striving for is connection and, and consistency, connecting with our kids consistently. That is what builds trust. And I'm convinced that there's nothing that we can't handle together as a family if we don't have those things there. And one of the challenges I think that families face today especially is that they really feel like the, they're pressured to be their kids friends, that they want their kids to like them, that they want their kids. They are so afraid that their kids are going to disconnect their from them. So they do whatever they have to in that short term to make sure there's no conflict, that you still like me, that everything is good so that you won't go away. That's a short term strategy that has long term implications and children need parents. So the way that I talk to my kids about this and they, any one of them, I promise you, would tell you this on the spot, they know this progression. They know that when they're born, when they're little, when they're preschool, when they're elementary school age, that I tell them, I am your teacher. I'm here to teach you everything that you need to know about life. I'm going to teach you how to tie your shoes, how to chew with your mouth closed, how to have a routine and your, and your daily schedule. I'm going to teach you everything that you need to know. And then during those preteen years, I moved to the role of coach, where the role of coach is to keep the practice environment safe, help them do drills, help them work on skills, help them achieve their goals, pull them back when they're trying too hard, push them forward when I see that they have more and they can't quite do it, celebrate their victories, learn from their defeats. I am their coach. And I told my kids growing up all the time, I am not your friend. One day we are going to be friends and I hope we're going to be absolutely the best of friends. But right now I'm your coach and that's what I'm here to do. And then after that you can Move to that friend role. But authority and love are not opposites. They're not antagonistic to each other. Developmentally. Kids feel the safest when there are limits in the home and where adults are leading with confidence. Now, sometimes we make mistakes in that leading. We may make a decision and it just doesn't go well. That's okay. That's completely fine. You can go back to your kids and say, you know what? I made the best decision that I could with the information I had at the time. And I have since learned more, and we learned from that. And so I'm going to reset this boundary. Don't be afraid to do that, because relationships and boundaries work together. Together, that is, the boundaries are going to make relationships stronger. There's some really interesting research that looks at kids without limitations. Like when you put a fence around a playground, kids will run all the way to the fence, into the fence. I mean, they will. Any preschool teacher can tell you this. They will crash into the fence. But when you take that fence away, an interesting thing happens. They all kind of huddle in the middle. They're kind of scared because they don't know where the boundaries are. So our job in life is to put those boundaries in place. Child needs a parent today so that they can be your friends someday. But like I said, connection and authority, these are not competing values. They go hand in hand. The goal isn't for your kid to like you. The goal is for your kid to trust you. That's what you're trying to build. Trust that you will tell them the truth even when it's not what they want to hear. So that when you do tell them they're doing a good job. When you tell them that, they're just crushing it on something.

Rules without relationship leads to rebellion, so we've got to cultivate that relationship

They don't think, oh, you're just saying that because you're my mom. They're saying, yeah, you're saying that because you mean it and you've heard it said before. Rules without relationship leads to rebellion. So we've got to cultivate that relationship. Kids do not need another peer. They don't need another peer influence. They need a consistent guide and coach on the side. So let me get into these listener questions with that kind of setting us up for how I'm going to approach this.

Mom and dad disagree on parenting rules all the time, this is normal

All right, first question is, what happens when mom and dad completely disagree on the rules that should be set? Oh, this happens all the time. Disagree about curfew, about bedtime, about screen time, about snack time, about pretty much any time. You can frequently have mom and dad disagreeing now, this is completely normal. Generally speaking, you've got one parent who's the heavy, who's going to, you know, be like the strict disciplinarian one. And sometimes. And you have the parent who's going to be the pushover. Right? This is, this is a good balance to have, but it is important, important to be in unity. And unity matters more than perfect agreement. So if this is something that's a really big problem for you, what I would do is just have an honest conversation with your kids about it and just say, okay, you know what? It's obvious that dad and I are not on the same page on all of the rules around here, but we're going to work on that and we are going to start getting on the same page and we're going to realign some rules. So you may see some changes around here as we do that. But it's really important that we're on the same page. And we may not completely agree on everything, but we're going to agree on the most important things. And then you and your spouse get together and talk about what are the top three points of disagreement. What are those top three things that are constantly causing friction? That something happens and you say, see, I wouldn't let them do this. See, well, I would let them do this. What are those top three things? And then just start with that. Kids thrive on consistency and predictability. And so if they know that that's something that you're working on, hey, we're working on being consistent. We're going to talk about this. That's help. Disagreement is healthy, but division is harmful. And division can happen when kids start to play you against each other and say, okay, I know, I'm going to ask mom for this. I'm going to ask dad for this. Because Mom's going to say yes to this. Dad to this. So one of the things my husband and I do is we always make it that you got to ask both of us. Like, you can't. You can't just ask one of us or the other. Occasionally there may be some situation that comes up in that way. But you, you gotta ask both of us. We'll both be on the same page, and if we disagree, we're going to try to manage that behind closed. Do talk about that, but come out with a united front. Like, maybe they won't know that. Hey, we really don't agree completely on this, but here's where we come to a point of agreement with you. Be teammates, not opposing counsel. Okay? That's really, really important. And children thrive when parents aren't competing for influence in their kids lives that they are a team, mom and dad are a team and unity is really, really powerful. So I would encourage you to do that. Don't be discouraged by disagreements. Be open with them and teach and model to your kids how you can disagree but still be unified. And still on the same page. There are so many more questions. I'm sure I won't get to them all, but I have questions coming up about summer discipline. What do I do when I feel like, I'm nagging all the time? How do I keep my temper when my kids are pushing all my buttons? And how do I heal childhood hurts? What if my pre teen says I just don't understand her, I don't get her world? And what do I do when my kid is really self centered? That and so much more coming up. Listen, you are not alone in working through this parenting journey. It feels like we are in a wild wild west, a really big jungle. But you're not alone. We'll be back with more hope and help on the other side of this break.

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Big God by Terrian: With foes on my left and fears on my right they think that I'm, all by myself in this fight but they do not know the infinite size of the God who is by my side hey, under fire but my Goliath standing in the shadow of the Almighty I ain't lying Testifying, man I'm talking about a big God Big God when trouble comes around the way all they remedy for big odds is a big God Ain't nobody gonna shake my faith no, I'm not afraid Throw my hands up and praise for the times that he pulled me through I'm counting on a big God that they can't

Dr. Jessica Peck: stop He's a big God welcome back, friends. That is big God by Terrian and I welcome it back to this Thursday.

I am answering parent questions. Recently, I was speaking at a parent conference

I am answering parent questions. Recently, I was speaking at a parent conference, and as is my practice, I give out note cards. I say, ask me the questions. Ask me all your burning questions, because I want to know what's on the hearts and minds of families, and I want to know how I can serve you with the education, the experience that I have, and really the dependence on the Lord every single day and finding hope and healing and in the failures and the successes and to know that you're not alone. So that's what we're talking about today. And I have the cards in front of me here, and one of them just made me absolutely laugh out loud because there's all these questions, and some of them are really heartbreaking. Some of them are very deep. And this one, you can see, it says, how do you parent and not go insane. I think if you can answer this, madam, sir, whoever wrote this question, I think you got a book deal in the works here, and you'll probably be making a lot of money. But there's a lot of questions that parents have, and grandparents, too. And so let's dive in and just go right back to some of these questions we have.

How do you discipline kids in the summer without being too strict?

One of the questions that was asked to me is, how do you discipline in the summer without being too much, too overly strict? That is the question. Now, let me tell you, most of the time, behavior problems, particularly in the summer, if you have kids who are home, they are coming from three different reasons. Okay? So instead of reacting to the behavior, letting them push their buttons, you need to step back and say, okay, why is my child misbehaving? Most of the time, it's going to be because of one of these three reasons, number one, they're bored. They just don't have anything else to do, and so they're just misbehaving strictly from boredom. The second is that they don't have enough structure. They have too much free time, they have too much exploration, they have not enough boundaries. So they're testing boundaries there to see what's there. Number three, they have a need that is not met, and they're trying to get someone's attention. Most of the time, it's one of those three things. So if you think, okay, they're bored, they need something to do, then you can do, you can take care of that. If they need more, if you need more structure in your day, you can take care of that. Or if they just need more time, you got to put down whatever you're putting, whatever you are trying to work on and just meet that need for attention, for reassurance, for answering their questions, whatever it is. Also keep in mind that discipline means teaching, not punishing. So when you have that mindset, say, discipline is for teaching and it is not to punish you. Kids need responsibility as much as they need recreation. So we often think about giving them recreation, but they need responsibility because sometimes bored kids, they don't need more entertainment and they need more purpose. And I talked on Tuesday a lot about that, about serving in the summer. So I would really encourage you to think about purpose for your family. Working together on a purpose, can really minimize a lot of misbehaving and eliminate the need for a lot of correctional intervention, a lot of teaching. And so sometimes they need, they need a sense of purpose. They need to be doing something, not just being entertained, because they can be bored and entertained at the same time. I talked about that on Tuesday. The other principle to remember is always connect before you correct. Don't ever act out in anger. Don't ever enact a discipline in anger. You want to connect with them and find out, okay, why did this happen? What are you thinking? How can we redirect your attention, time, energy, and thought processes? Because, consequences teach the best when they make sense and when you are using natural consequences, most of the time that is going to be enough. That's going to be enough with a little guidance. That natural consequence. If they hurt their sibling, a lot of times just bearing the burden that, hey, I hurt their feelings, and you've got to walk around with that most of the time that can be enough. And so really focus on teaching, that can be helpful.

Another question that came in this line is, what do I do when I feel like I'm just nagging all the time?

Another question that came in this line is, what do I do when I feel like I'm just nagging all the time. And I, I have been there as a mom where you just feel like you're in that stage where all you do is just nag, nag, nag, nag, get out of your phone, pick up your room, you put away your dishes, do your chores. Usually when you have repeated reminders of something that is signaling you that you have a systems problem. Now what I'd recommend for that is listen into our declutter diary series with Kathi Lipp. We've been talking about that you wouldn't think clutter would really relate to this, but if you are nagging your kids about something all the time, I guarantee you that most of what you're nagging them about has something to do with clutter. Has something to do with a disorganized system, something that they can't find, a chore that they are not doing regularly, too much stuff to pick up. Oh, clutter is such a big cause of conflict. So you may want to check that out if this is something that your family is really struggling with. But kids respond better to routine rather than to repeated lectures. So if you find yourself pushing play on the same old lecture, try really to convert your energy into a routine. So instead of lecturing them to make their bed in the morning, go around and do bed round bed making rounds all together. That that's what we do when we first get up. And it takes about 30 days to create a new habit. We're at the beginning of the summer. So decide what's most important to you? Don't try to do all the things at one time. If you try to keep everything perfect, that's not going to work. But pick those top three things. What are you nagging your kids about the most? What are those three things that are coming to the top of the list? And then think, what new system do we need? What can we do about these top three things? And then for now, friend, just let the rest of it go. Like, this is not the time to try to fix everything at one time. Fix those top three things. That is really helpful. So if you find yourself repeating yourself constantly, you have a system that needs fixing. So what gets scheduled is going to get done. So replace lectures with just expectations and consequences. Here's my expectation of you. Here's the routine we're going to follow. Here's what happens if that routine is not followed. It may be lack of screen time, it may be extra chores. Whatever it is, make that consequence clear in advance. And then when that routine is not done, when that chore is not done, when you find yourself going to nag, just give the consequence instead and try again the next day. Fewer words carry more weight. I am telling you that for sure. So when you have action that is much better, calm action is really, really, better. But it's hard because we are not just managing behavior, we are growing people. And parenting is simply about behavior management. We're really talking about discipleship. It is helping children become the people who God created them to be.

How do I keep my temper when my kids push my buttons?

So, next question. How do I keep my temper when my kids know exactly how to push my buttons? I'm sure there's no one out there who can relate to, like, no one has ever lost their cool. No one has ever just yelled at their kids and then slunk down into a feeling of shame. Nobody's ever done that, right? No, I surely have not. Please don't ask my children anything about that at all. This used to be something that was really hard for me. And what I discovered was that I was almost like a toddler myself. Like, if I'm tired, if I'm hungry, if I'm overstimulated, and just too many things going around, those things are going to set me up for failure. So I had to look at, first of all, I need to make sure that I am regulating my own emotions, that I am taking care of myself. I am not going to take a toddler to the grocery store at nap time. I'm not going to do that. Because it's going to end in very badly, right? Very badly. How many parents have left a full shopping cart and just run to the car? Like, just forget it. We're getting out of here. We're running. We've got to treat ourselves the same way. We have got to prioritize our own health, rest and making sure that we are eating healthy, that we are moving our bodies, that we are sleeping well, and that we are recognizing and naming and claiming our emotions. So here's the thing. Children are borrowing our emotional regulation. So if we are hungry, we're tired, we're angry, and then we snap, guess what? Our kids are going to do it, too. And then we're trying to tell them, oh, do as I say, not as I do, which is never again good, good parenting quality to have. It's never a good parenting strategy, but patience often has to do more with our stress level than it does with their behavior. And you'll see this, like, the smallest thing and you just lose your mind. So we really need to take A good hard, look at ourselves. Now here's the good thing about it. Repairing after you have a parenting failure is a part of healthy parenting. So this rupture and repair cycle is very, very normal. So when you mess up, sometimes we get really defensive and then we just really dive into the behavior and you know, and it's like, okay, well I, yes, I lost my, I lost my temper, but you made me do it. You know, and how do we not sound like toddlers? Sometimes we just retreat and just give the silent treatment. You know, we've got to just stop what we're doing just right there and just say, you know what, what? That was not a good and godly response. I am really sorry. Will you please forgive me? Let's take a deep breath, let's take a break and let's start over. That is a rupture and a repair in a relationship. And when you do it quickly, humbly, gently, sincerely, that is not going to diminish your authority in your kids eyes. In fact, it's going to increase their respect for you because they know it it. They know you hurt them. They know you sat there and just threw a temper tantrum like a child. They know that. But if you can own that, that's something that they're not doing. But they will start modeling. You don't often see toddlers. You say, oh, I'm sorry mommy, I didn't mean to throw a temper tantrum. No, they borrowing from our emotional repair. But here's the thing. Your child's behavior is not an emergency. It does not need to whip you up into a frenzy. The calmer adult is the one in the room who is going to come out of there the winner. So regulate yourself. Before you try to regulate your child, think, okay, why am I so triggered by this? Like am I hungry? Am I tired? And do I need a break? Do I just need to call somebody in here just so that I can have an hour to myself to go take a walk or whatever I need to do. A raised voice is rarely going to raise understanding. Keep your voice calm, keep your voice quiet and just take a minute. Just say, okay, I need a minute to calm down. You can be firm without being angry. This is one of the hardest skills of parenting. It doesn't matter if you have toddlers or teens or even grown children who still know how to push your buttons, right? You've got to stay calm and stay firm. And when you do not behave in a Christ like way, you got to do that rupture and repair. Say I'm sorry now.

How do I heal childhood hurt so they don't affect my parenting?

Now the next question is related to this. How do I heal childhood hurt so they don't affect my parenting? Well, that is a lot of times why we lose our cool because we are triggered by our own childhood wounds and we have not taken the time to name and claim that. So if we feel something in our kids that feels like rejection, like they're rejecting us, they don't want us in their world, they don't want our advice, they don't want our world view, that can be really triggering. If you experience rejection as a child, if you experience isolation and your kid's not talking to you, that can be triggering to you. We have got to make sure that we are identifying. What are your triggers? How is it connected to your own story? Because we often repeat what we experienced and we just continue that cycle or we overcorrect against it. We are hypersensitive to it. We have no tolerance for it. And our kids just don't have that same lens of the world world. They didn't experience that same trauma growing up, so they don't know what it's like. And then we're frustrated because, like, we're not on the same page. Praise God, we're not on the same page. If our kids haven't experienced the trauma that you did, that's a great thing. But healing yourself blesses future generations. You do not have to parent from your wounds if you are aware of it. Naming and claiming it is the first step to breaking cycles. And I am a poster child for that and will stand on that all day long. You can honor your own story story without repeating it. You can honor your story by rewriting a new ending. Healing yourself is one of the greatest gifts that you can give to your children. If you experience hurt or pain growing up, it is time to deal with it. Because if you don't, it will be your children's burden to carry. It can be a burden or a blessing, and that is up to you. So I encourage you that you, if, if you have never thought. I've never talked to anybody about it, about this, this, reach out to a trusted counselor, a friend, a pastor, someone who has wise biblical insight, someone who has a strong walk with the Lord and just start there and just say, you know, I've never talked about this, but maybe it's time that I talk about it. Because your past explains who you are, but it doesn't define who you are. That is so very important. And this can really play into when we have teens and preteens. Because the next question is, what if? My preteen tells me all the time, I just don't understand her. Listen, this is developmentally normal. Preteens crave independence and reassurance at the same time. It is so hard because they're like, go away, but come back. Oh, go away, but come back. Oh, go away, but come back. Understanding them means so much more than solving their problems. They don't want you to solve their problems. They just want to be. Be seen. They want to be heard, they want to be known, and they want to be loved. And sometimes that understanding matters way more than solutions. So if you listen long enough to hear the heart behind their words, every eye roll is conveying. I don't. I don't feel heard. I don't feel seen. I feel insecure. And that relationship with them buys influence. So the more you invest in their re, in your relationship with them, the more influence that you are going to have. So if you're in a season of conflict, if you're with a preteen, a teenage or even a grown child, and you just feel like everything's conflict, choose something good, even if that's something small. Write down, start journaling what you are grateful for. One of the moms at the parenting conference, she asked me, she said, my kids are becoming pre teens, and I literally hate this stage of parenting. I just. I hate it. I hate the independence they have. I hate the separation they have for me. What should I do? And I told her, start journaling every single day. Things that you see that you are grateful for, even if it's something really small. And then share those things with your kids. Gratitude does change our hearts. It is biblical and every circumstance to give thanks not for every circumstance, but in every circumstance. And that can be really difficult to do when you have a preteen who seems very concerned about. About themselves. And we can love them through that stage. When we come back, how do we treat each kid differently? Does equal really mean equal? I don't think so. I'll explain on the other side of this break.

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Speak Life by TobyMac: Some days life feels perfect Other days it just ain't working. The good, the bad, the right, the wrong and everything in between. Yo, it's crazy amazing we can turn our heart through the words we say Mountains crumble, With every syllable broken Live or die. So speak life Speak life to the dead and dark is night. Speak life, Speak life When the sun won't shine and you don't know why? Look into the eyes of the brokenhearted Watch them come alive as soon as you speak Hope you speak love you speak. You speak life Oh oh, oh, oh oh you speak life

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is Speak Life by TobyMac And that's what we're talking about today. How do we speak life into our families? Recently I was at a parenting conference and I got this whole stack of note cards with questions that people want to ask. And I'm answering those questions today. And some of those are so funny. How to parent and not go insane. Of course there's the ever popular what should we do for dinner? I'm just gonna go on a limb and say breakfast. I think breakfast pancake sounds really good for dinner. It's cheap, it's easy, it's a crowd pleaser. That's just my advice for that.

Every child is different and therefore every parenting technique requires different approaches

But in more serious questions, one of the questions I got what is a way to fulfill all my kids needs when all of my kids are so different from each other? Now I understand this because I have four children and they are all extremely different. They are very different from each other. So let me talk you through just some high points of how I approach this. Fair does not mean equal. And I think we need to embrace this as parents. And sometimes when we get the parenting playbook that's passed down to us, we have these age based milestones. Like you can get a phone when you're this old or you can date when you're this old or you can, you know, have this curfew when you're this old. I completely rejected that form of parenting because every kid is different. One of my kids really needed more sleep than the other. One of my kids handled a little more responsibility earlier than another. That that of course is going to be the oldest. I'll just go ahead and out that because that's no surprise to anybody. But I think just saying to your family, hey, fair is not always equal, that's how that looks. Different kids need different approaches, different kids, different rules. And just stand by that. Don't apologize for that. Just when you're giving somebody individual attention that communicates, hey, I'm going to base what I'm going to do the rules for you based on what you need. And you have a lot of control over this. So the more responsibility that you show, then the faster that you can progress in getting privileges. Because fair is not always equal. Every kid needs the same level of love and attention, but not every kid needs the same techniques in parenting. Because I think comparison is, you often hear it say, it said that comparison is the thief of joy. I think comparison is the thief of family peace. Because kids, especially school age kids, they are developmentally wired to be very justice minded. And the three words that they love to say more than anything in the whole world, you know them, it's not fair. That's not fair. They got this, I didn't get it. They got dessert, I didn't. They got to do this. I didn't. That's okay. Just learn that, that you know that comparing them is just a futile exercise. They are all made beautifully in the image of God. And remember, you've probably heard it said too, children spell love T, I, M, E. And so one of the biggest mistakes that we make is assuming fairness means treating every kid the same. And healthy parenting is not about equal rules, it's about individualized attention. And that is really important because we can't treat our children identically because they're not identical. They are different ages, different temperamen, different abilities, different struggles, different strengths. These all require different parenting approaches. One child may need to be encouraged, one child may need to be challenged. One child I have, I can discipline with my eyebrow. Like just lifting an eyebrow is enough to like, oh, I'm sorry, Another one may be much more stubborn than that. One child may need more structure while another child needs flexibility to thrive. One child needs physical affection while another needs quality conversation. You really want to help each child, child to flourish because even God himself doesn't interact with every person in the same exact way. And a good shepherd knows the needs of his sheep. And parenting reflects God's individualized care for his children. So it's not okay. Am I giving them all the same opportunity? It's am I loving each child well in each stage. And just ignore the fact that children have an extraordinary ability to count what is equal. And when you say, oh, she got a later bedtime or he gets extra help or she gets more one on one time, they don't understand. We can help them to understand each other. Well, she is older, he's having a Struggle right now. She needs some connection right now. And that is really, important. So instead of equal attention, think meaningful attention. Instead of equal consequences, think developmentally appropriate consequences. Instead of equal expectations, it's those expectations are equal to their developmental capacity and ability that is really important. Fair doesn't always mean the same. Everyone in this family gets exactly what they need. Different people need different things. It is not my job to make sure that everything is fair. It's to make sure that you are cared for. That is really important to do so. I mean, if one child breaks their arm and the other doesn't, nobody's going to say, oh, that's not fair. They get a cast. Well, except for you may have that one kid who does. Right? But we understand that each child has different needs. And so parenting works like that. Your parent, your children don't need identical parenting. They need a parent who sees them, who knows them and responds to them in their moment, in that moment. And when you're looking at those sibling relationships, it's really important not to compare. And sometimes we do that with shaming language. We look at one kid who. Baby is just more easygoing, who follows the rules, the oldest, Right? Okay, no. Am I wrong? But when we look at that kid, we're like, why can't you be like? Like, why can't she? Never gives me trouble. He doesn't have a problem with the rules. Resist that urge to compare them like that. That is something that can fan the flame of sibling rivalry. Kids pick up really quick on the fact that, ooh, if I do this, and I know you don't, then that's going to curry me some favor with mom and dad, so I'm going to exploit your weakness so that I can get a little more praise there. Don't do that. Resist the urge to do that. And sometimes we do that with shaming language. When we take one behavioral struggle and we generalize it into a character flaw, like a, kid who maybe is struggling with being on time, we're like, why are you always so lazy? Why do you not care? Instead of, hey, you're a really great kid who's struggling to be on time. What can I do to help set you up for success and give you some guardrails that will help you with this, whatever that is there. And that can be hard to do.

The best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage

But as much as those sibling relationships are so important, parenting relationships are also very, very important. And protecting and prioritizing your marriage is so important because healthy marriages create healthy homes, and date nights don't have to be expensive. They can even be in the home. But children benefit from seeing parents who are invested in each other. So the best gift, you've heard it said before, the best gift you can give your kids is a healthy marriage. Marriage is not going to thrive on your leftovers. Your leftover time, attention. And that connection doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant. It just needs to be meaningful. So even if you're just having dessert on the porch and maybe the kids are watching through the window, or you just go to a coffee shop, or you take a walk at sunset, you play a game together, you have a picnic in your own dining room, or you just pray together, have time where you're praying together, cooking together. It is really important for your kids, kids to see that. So I encourage you as you're thinking this summer, and maybe there's some conflict between your kids. I'm telling you, having united front with mom and dad is going to go a long way in that. And so if you are living in a home where you've got mom and dad who are married there, that's a really important thing. And if you're living in a home where you're a single parent, take care of yourself, prioritize and normalize taking care of yourself, because kids are going to feel more secure when you are physically and emotionally healthy.

What do you do when your parents ignore and disrespect your parenting decisions?

Now, sometimes this can cause a lot of conflict. And one of the questions that I get is, what do you do when your parents, the grandparents, just completely ignore and disrespect your parenting decisions? This is really, really hard because grandparents are very valuable, but parents should be the primary decision makers for their kids. And having that boundary as God created protects the relationship. Boundaries are protective for relationships because, it is the parent who is responsible for raising kids. And kindness and clarity can coexist with each other. And sometimes that can be really hard. Sometimes there's a lot more conflict because you feel that conflict. You feel deeply disrespected as a parent, but you never say anything. And so it's just not as clear to the grandparents as it is to you that, hey, this is an issue for me. And sometimes, you know, I'll talk to parents who have shaking knees to go to their parents and say, say, okay, I need to talk to you about something that's bothering me. It's really important. This is my, this is the choice that I want to make for my kids, the boundary that I want to have. And even if you disagree with it, I'm just asking you to respect it. Most of the time, that's going to go pretty well and sometimes it doesn't, and that's really, really hard. But that respect, it can go in both directions.

Parents are responsible for managing their child's digital footprints

One of the questions that I get most often and I have here in this stack is what do I do when my kids, grandparents, or other family members post my kids on social media without my permission? Like, I tell them, please don't post my kids on social media. And they do listen. Children's privacy deserves to be protected. Parents are responsible for managing your child's digital footprints. I encourage you to pray about the boundaries that you have for social media. I encourage you to be very careful, very thoughtful about that, that these are legitimate parenting decisions and parenting boundaries that you have. Because your child's childhood is not a public property. That is not something that, you know, people can just post. This is a really, difficult thing that we have to navigate in modern living. And love respects boundaries even when it doesn't understand and agree with us, them. And it is really important just to talk and say, okay, I want to make everyone aware that this is our boundary. Here are the things that you can post. Here are the things that you cannot post. Whether you agree with it or not, here is where it is. And, and that is really important. I've written actually, quite a bit about that and talked a lot more about that. But I encourage just kindness and clarity in setting your boundaries and then reset them if you need to. Sometimes it may be, here's some pictures that you can post or ask me before you post. Post whatever that boundary is, communicate it with kindness and clarity. That's really important.

Another question I got. How do we break our family's screen addiction?

Another question I got. How do we break our family's screen addiction? Our whole, our whole family is addicted to screens. We all watch our own screens. What do we do? Well, here's the thing. We often villainize screens. But screens aren't usually the problem. It's usually the absence. What have we displaced? In place of screens, kids need a meaningful alternative. You can't just turn off your screen and then just stare into the void. It's a connection that's missing. Screens are replacing connections and parents have to model what they expect. Screens are usually replacing something. So the opposite of screen time isn't just, okay, take away the screen and now we're bored. It's engaging them in real life relationships. Children need eye contact more than they need screen contact. When we have eye contact with someone, especially between a parent and child for at least 20 seconds, it releases connecting chemicals in your brain. God gives us a built in biological advantage. And when we look at them, they're more likely to listen to us than if we have our faces in our screens. And what is capturing our attention is shaping our heart and our character. So I encourage you. We will be talking all this summer, every Friday for almost the whole summer, we'll be talking about tech habits for families. Families. How do we have screen free zones? How do we have tech free times in our homes? How do we break the cycle of constant notifications? How do we break some of those habits? And what are healthy habits that we have around tech in our home? So I encourage you to listen in on Fridays. We'll be talking about that quite a bit, in there. And as we're thinking about this summer, I really want to encourage you not to think about, okay, what are bad habits that we want to break? Or what are struggles that we have that we want to overcome? What are good things that you want to do together this summer? What are some goals that you have? We're just here in the beginning of June. What are some goals that you would like to set as a family? Like I said, most of the time when kids are bored, they don't need more entertainment, edutainment, ah, all kinds of anytainment that you can put onto words now that are there. They need purpose. And so this may be a great time to build some life skills because competence in something builds confidence and those are the building blocks of resilience. Responsibility creates resilience and that is really important. And every summer should leave kids a little more capable than when they first started. So we're not just making memories, although we memories are important and I love memories. And I'm talking to Kathi Lipp on the declutter diaries on how I can keep more of my memories in my brain instead of having to hold on to momento from those. That's my summer project that I'm working on. But we are making disciples. And so think about what life skills, what spiritual skills, what do your kids need? What do you want to grow together as a family this summer? Maybe that's a tech habit. Maybe you want to do like my family did last summer and just get a little cardboard box and have a challenge of when everybody puts their phone in the box and count how many minutes you can get back for your family. Maybe you have a kid who needs to learn to cook a meal, a kid who needs to learn how to swim, who needs to read more, learn hospitality, scripture, memory, a service project, money management, an outdoor skill. Ask your kids what would you ask me if you could learn how to do this summer if you knew? I wouldn't say no. You might be surprised by the answer. So I encourage you as you're thinking this summer Listen it is so tough. Parenting is holy work. The days are long, but the years are so short and your faithfulness matters so much more than your perfection. God is doing his deepest work in the ordinary moments of life as we talked about with the blackabies yesterday. As you are parenting or grandparenting, I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and I'll see you right here tomorrow. We'd like to thank our sponsors including PreBorn. PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion and every day their network clinics rescue 200 babies lives. Will you join PreBorn in loving and supporting young moms in crisis? Save a life today. Go to preborn.com/AFR the views and

Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.

Jessica answers questions received from parents at a recent event.