Transcript

Dr. Jessica Peck prescribes Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio

>> Jeff Chamblee: hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. And it is my favorite day of the week, my favorite time of the day, and my favorite time of year. It is the most wonderful time of the year. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Even the word peace itself can feel emotionally loaded this holiday season

I hope that wherever you're going or doing, I'm sure that many of you have holiday plans this weekend. Whether that's gathering with family or school programs or church events or community things that you're doing. Maybe you're just going to have some fun time with your family and your loved ones. It is such a great opportunity right here before we dive into the chaos of the weekend and to take a moment and to think about Advent, to think about the period of waiting and the time that people spent waiting for the birth of Christ. And now, excuse me, we are waiting again. We are waiting for that. We are waiting for Christ to return. And as we are observing Advent, we talk about the themes of Advent. You may be doing this in your church. I know I am. You may be doing this in your own private devotional. I am doing that, too. Like last week, we talked about hope, and this week we are talking about peace. And that can be really, really difficult. Even the word peace itself can feel kind of emotionally loaded. And for you, if this time of year just feels kind of heavy and you feel pressure, you feel a little disappointment, maybe that you're not as jolly as you feel like you're supposed to be. Let me tell you something really important. You. You are not alone. And for many people, the Advent week of peace arrives not with stillness, not with comfort, not with social media ready presence in your life. But sometimes it's just messy, sometimes it's chaotic, sometimes it's painful. And the world tells us that Christmas should be this magical time of year that's sparkling and full of joy and togetherness and that we should enjoy every moment of it. But sometimes when you're carrying that messiness of life, you're navigating grief or fractured relationships, or maybe you're just sitting in the shadows of anxiety or depression or loneliness or trauma or a season of trial. The season can feel like it's just shining a spotlight on everything that you wish you had, everything that you lost, everything that is not as it should be. And maybe you're Looking at your family right now and you're seeing distance where you wish there was that closeness that's portrayed in holiday commercials. And maybe peace just feels absolutely impossible to you because you have wounds that run really deep. Maybe it's from words that were spoken a long time ago or more recently. Maybe it's misunderstandings that were just never cleared up or just patterns of hurt that have shaped generations of dysfunction in your family. Maybe you're looking at those family gatherings that are coming up and you're dreading it, but you feel obligated, you don't see any way out of it. Or maybe you're grieving the gathering that you wish was happening, but that's going to be different with an, absence or a broken relationship. Maybe it's your house that is just filled with tension. Maybe your heart is filled with fear. Maybe your life feels just a little bit, or honestly, a lot bit out of control. But maybe it's your mental health that's just feeling miserable. But as you're scrolling through that social media, it's really hard to shake that off because you are bombarded with images of picture perfect families in the now notorious matching pajamas. There's nothing wrong with that, by the way. If you're doing that, I think it's adorable. It's okay if you're not too, though. Maybe it's you're making Mac and cheese while you're seeing other people put on a holiday spread that looks like a magazine cover. Celebrations that just seem effortless and joyful. And it's so easy to lose your peace. It's so easy to lose your contentment and wonder what's wrong with me? What is wrong with my family? Why can't I just feel peaceful? Why can't I put all of that aside for just a short time? But can I tell you a, truth? Can I give you some. Some m. Tough truth? There are a lot of people who are struggling this season. Behind closed doors, behind family fancy lights, decorated trees, smiling photos, there is an undercurrent of brokenness that runs through our world. There is sorrow, there is fear, there is relational strain. There are unmet expectations and unseen battles. And I feel like I've seen this so much in my experience working in primary care and pediatric primary care. Because here's the holiday where everything is supposed to look perfect. But I have people who are coming in who are sick and inevitably sick. Some of that mental sickness, some of that spiritual sickness that comes to light. And some of you out there are sitting in the tension between wanting so desperately family, relationship, connections, but also fearing what that might look like. Some of you out there are feeling torn because you really, really long for reconciliation. But at the same time, the reality of that absence of reconciliation means that you have to set some boundaries to protect yourself. Some of you are carrying some really deep grief that just resurfaces every December, and you think, oh, things are getting better. But all of a sudden, that grief wave just knocks you for a loop. Some of you are feeling spiritually numb, emotionally exhausted. Some of you are holding everything together for everyone else, and you're just tired, honestly. And it's into this world, your world, my world, a messy, messy noise that is full of a messy world that's full of noise and fracture and unrest. And Jesus speaks these words, John 14:27 Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Jesus speaks these words to his disciples in his last moments before crucifixion

Now I want to take you to this chapter in John. Jesus is in his last moments here on earth before he is crucified. He's talking to his disciples. This is not a, you know, fancy retreat that he had with his team out in the countryside that was catered and is being live streamed on social media. This is in the shadow of great, great pain that is about to happen. Jesus did not speak these words into a tranquil moment. He spoke them even with anticipation of suffering. He anticipated betrayal, uncertainty, and fear. And yet he spoke those words to his disciples. Pe I leave with you. He spoke to them. Now, they didn't understand what was coming next, but he spoke to them when he knew we there were hearts on the edge of breaking. And he speaks those same words to you and to me and to anyone who feels overwhelmed by the weight of the season. He speaks those words. That is where his peace is. The peace of Christ is not fragile. It is not dependent on circumstances. It is not dependent on perfect families, perfect holidays, perfect emotions. It is not even dependent on the absence of conflict, on the silencing of pain or pretending that everything is fine. The peace of Christ is not the absence of conflict. It is his presence with us in the middle of that very conflict, in the middle of pain, in the middle of chaos, in the middle of questions. It is that steady, unshakable truth that no matter what you face, that you are not alone, that your story is not finished, that brokenness does not have the final word. It doesn't have the final word on your life, and it doesn't have the Final word on this Christmas season. The God who came as a baby into a messy, divided, political hurting world still comes to us today. And he does not give us a shallow peace, but he gives us deep soul restoring peace that transcends any circumstance that you might be facing. So friend of this season is finding you just tired or tender hearted, overwhelmed, longing for something more. Then this message of hope is for you today. Because if you're craving peace that just doesn't go away the minute things get hard, peace that isn't dependent on other people's choices, this is for you. And if you need to know that God sees you, he loves you and he meets you in your need, this is for you. So welcome to that Advent week of peace. Not a perfect peace, not a polished peace. We are talking about a genuine peace, God's peace that is offered freely even in the middle of the brokenness.

Families today are experiencing brokenness in ways that impact holistic health

So today I'm going to talk through some of the ways that the world is broken and how we can find peace even in a broken world. So let's take a look around at the reality of the world that we're facing. We inhabit a broken world. Families today are experiencing brokenness in a lot of ways that impact our holistic health. Talking about relational strain, we're talking about political and cultural conflict, we're talking about family trauma, relationship trauma, financial stress, addiction, generational wounds. This brokenness doesn't stay isolated, it spreads and hurt in one part of a family and one relationship. It easily spills over into other parts of your life. And conflict doesn't even end with, with resolution. We see, you know, just such a lack of civility in the, we see unresolved grief, unmet expectation, unhealed wounds. And part of this is the rise of therapeutic self help culture. And there is a toxic element of this that I'm going to call out today because I believe that a culture of self expression has really replaced some of those, the ways that we find peace in biblical morals and spiritual formation. Because we see over the last several decades this major cultural shift that's taken place and it really deeply impacts how we perceive peace because we live in a world of that many scholars call a, therapeutic or expressive individualist culture. And in simple terms that means the highest good that I can accomplish is being true to myself. The highest authority is my feelings. And the highest goal is self actualization and being emotionally comfortable. And the greatest sin in this world is denying or challenging someone's personal truth sets us up for a lot of conflict because in this world Your inner emotions become the compass for your life. And that can replace external moral standards, spiritual guidance, and communal wisdom. Well, this really leads to the idolatry of our emotions, treating our emotions as the highest good, as the highest achievement. And it happens when we treat our feelings like our feelings are the ultimate truth, the ultimate authority, or the ultimate good. And it's believing that how I feel is the most important thing about me, and how you make me feel is the most important thing about you. And it's the guiding light for all decisions. This is very dangerous territory because it makes our emotional state the object of worship. And that is not. That is not a good place to be because our culture is constantly giving us messages like, listen to your feelings or trust your heart or your emotions m are really important. Your feelings are so important. And that turns feelings something that God gave us. God gave us feelings to inform our choices, to inform our actions. But we have transformed our feelings into the authoritative voice in our life. And the cultural lies of, I can just feel good. If I can just feel like I'm at peace, then I'll finally be at peace. But the biblical reality is that although feelings are very real, they are not reliable. Scripture teaches us that the human heart is vulnerable. It's changeable, and it is very deceptive. We know that, emotions are a gift from God, but they are not a, God in and of themselves. And when we let our emotions lead, they become tyrants. And that's the voice that's constantly saying, you don't feel at peace. You don't feel at peace peace because you're not feeling that emotion of peace. But the truth is, our emotions constantly change. And when we build our peace on our feelings, that is a foundation of shifting sand. And our emotions, the most powerful ones, they come from wounded places. When we have exhaustion, anxiety, and fear, that is not a good guiding force for decision making. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a power and love and a sound mind. Emotions can be very easily manipulated. And you need to know that social media platforms are hiring psychologists, and they are looking to manipulate your emotions. They're looking to find you at your weakest so that you will click add to cart and buy. As a sort of therapy. We are looking at comparison culture to make you feel like you are less than so that you need to buy more. Our emotions were never designed to be our, our masters. And when our feelings rule, we're becoming spiritually malnourished and emotionally fragile. We're chasing emotional comfort, but we don't find that stability. And when we idolize our emotions, that actually intensifies our anxiety, because we are never going to be smart enough, strong enough, sufficient enough to be the source of our own emotional regulation. We cannot idolize emotional comfort. When we come back, I'm going to talk more about this, about how this paradox of idolizing, our emotions diminishes our emotional health. And we'll talk about how do we manage our emotions and why does that matter? For peace and ultimately hope. I'll have more help and hope on the way after this break. Don't go away.

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>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Savior, O Savior A child and yet okay. Lord of everything O Savior, My Savior Emmanuel has come with hope for everyone What a, Savior, here in the mystery Son of God and son of mine dawn is now breaking through the skies of Bethlehem Earth meet in heaven there's one baby Christ Death started running, running and salvation arise Savior, oh, Savior the counting ever came m Lord of every faith Savior, my Savior Emmanuel for everyone What a Savior.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Savior by We are messengers. And I hope you crank that up in your car wherever you're listening, because what a message of hope and what a source of peace here on this Friday, we are talking about Advent and the healthy habit of seeking peace in a world that seems anything but peaceful.

Jesus leaves his peace with us supernaturally, John 14:27

And, friends, sometimes we listen to the lie that is the idol of our emotions. And we think, if I don't feel peaceful, then I must not be peaceful. But there is nothing further from, the truth. God has given you everything that you need. God is Emmanuel. God with us. He comes right to us in the middle of our messiness. And he offers us a peace that surpasses all understanding. That's what we're talking about. John 14:27, that God leaves. Jesus leaves his peace with us not as the world gives, but he gives it to us supernaturally. He gave this message in the shadow of the cross. And if he can give that message in the shadow of the cross, we can take and receive that message in the shadow of the chaos that is today's culture.

When we idolize our emotions, it really impacts our spiritual formation

And before the break, I was talking about a pretty tough truth that's emotional idolatry. And, in a therapy centric culture, which therapy absolutely has its time and place. And there are many Christian therapists who are out there doing amazing work. I want to make sure that I say that. But when we make our feelings, when we idolize feeling emotionally comfortable all the time, anything that disrupts our feelings becomes a threat or even a crisis. When we have conflict that feels threatening and we see a very conflict averse society because it's very easy to ghost people online and just not to talk about them and just not to talk them. And just to cut that source of discomfort off from you. When you feel discomfort, it feels like you're failing. When you feel corrected, you feel like you're being harmed. Truth can feel offensive and discipline can feel oppressive. And really these things just make life very emotionally reactive. Where we use our emotions as the barometers for our peace, that makes our relationships very fragile and it makes our spirituality very chaotic. When emotions are the God, relationships become transactional. It basically says, if you make me feel good, if you make me feel safe, if you make me feel supportive, and if you make me feel loved, then I'll stay around and I will reciprocate. And if not, I'm just going to disappear. There is a thing of healthy boundaries. We'll talk about that. But that kind of emotional barometer, it really doesn't make any way for resilience, for forgiveness, for grace. And it makes us emotionally burned out because we're constantly reacting to our emotions. And the truth is that when we idolize our emotions, it really impacts our spiritual formation. Because when we want to be like Christ, when, as Christians, as we're growing in our faith, this requires things like self denial, discipline, surrender, obedience, patience, sacrificial love. Those are things that do not feel emotionally comfortable at times. And emotional idolatry says, well, if, if anything makes me uncomfortable, it must be wrong because it doesn't feel right. This just doesn't feel right. That is not a barometer for truth. And the paradox in all of this is that idolizing our emotions actually makes our emotions worse. The more that you chase just feeling good, the harder that is to maintain. The more, the more that you center your life around emotional comfort, the more easily you get hurt and the more that we just prioritize our feelings above everything else, and the less peace that we will feel. But the truth is, the true peace comes from Jesus, not from how we feel, not our emotions. And the peace that Jesus gives us is not dependent on our mood, our circumstances being affirmed by other people, or feeling emotionally comfortable. Biblical peace, that word is shalom, that is not rooted in how we feel or what's happening to us. It is rooted in God's character, which is immutable and unchanging. It is rooted in God's presence. He is omnipresent, in our life, in God's truth, which is never changing, and God's promises that never, never, never fail. We can feel afraid and still have peace. We can feel sad and we can still have peace. We can feel uncertain and we can still have peace. Because peace comes from who God is, not how we are feeling.

Lee Strobel: Let emotions have a role in your life

So the call to all of this is, let emotions have a role in your life. They are instructive to tell us. Maybe we need more sleep. Maybe we need to address a relationship conflict. Maybe we need to really give an issue in our life more time and attention. But don't let it be the throne. Don't let your emotions sit on the throne of your heart, the throne of your mind. Our emotions should be acknowledged. We should name it and claim it. We should understand them, but we should not worship them. They're really, really great messengers, but they make really demanding masters in our life. And if we bring our emotions honestly before the Lord, as is modeled to us so many times in the Psalms, we let God's truth anchor our peace. And so many times in the Psalms, you can read this outpouring of emotion. And yet there is often a but in that verse. But God's mercies are new every morning, or whatever. That truth is about God's timeless character. Instead of following our heart, we follow the Lord, the God, the Maker of heaven and earth. Instead of living our truth, we walk in God's truth. And instead of doing what makes us happy, we do what is what God commands us to do. And like, don't let anybody tell you what to do it, we instead we should submit to wise counsel and godly authority. And we don't want ourself to be the center of our world that is radically different from a biblical worldview that teaches our human hearts are not an imperfect, infallible guide, but they our human hearts are easily deceived. We flourish by aligning ourselves with God's design for our life. And that includes some tough things that require some tough emotions. Like I talked about, it's not always self indulgence, it's not always self affirmation. We need to be shaped by scripture, by the truth of God's Word. When you are faithful, feeling any sort of unpleasant emotion, you should go to God's Word. It's always good to have. You can look in the concordance of a Bible and look up verses that are specific for specific emotions and read the truth of God's Word. We need to be shaped by scripture. We need to be shaped by prayer. We need to be praying about things that we're worrying about more than we're complaining about it, more than we're talking about it, more than we're having an inner dialogue that's just spinning into chaos. We need to shape, be shaped by church community, walking with a life group, walking with people who are going to call you to accountability, who are going to speak words of encouragement. We need to be marked by spiritual disciplines which we've talked about all this whole year. Listen to any Friday show. We talked about spiritual disciplines. Moral virtues are the truth. We're talking about the fruits of the spirit. We need spiritual mentors in our life. We need family relationships that are healthy. We need accountability. We need moral frameworks that are based on God's truth. Those are the things that are going to be the path to peace, praying God's word, church community, spiritual disciplines, moral virtues that are given to us by God and walking with those people. But here is what those have been replaced by. We replace those by okay, my emotional barometer, my growth journey is a lot of moral language like toxic or triggered or boundaries that are not used for, for becoming more spiritually mature, but avoiding anything that makes us uncomfortable. We have identity formation that's driven by social media. We are trained to demand instant gratification. We have self centered definitions of love like accept me just as I am, period. That's it. And we know that just as I am. maybe you're thinking of that hymn. There is yes, God meets us in the middle of our messiness. But we are called to discipleship. We are called to pursue Christ. And we see feelings as truth paradigms. We see belief that discomfort, any sort of discomfort is harmful rather than formative and we are really idolizing and pursuing emotional ease. Constant affirmation through social media. Freedom from challenge, freedom from responsibility, freedom from any accountability. And the cost of that kind of culture, where self expression is everything is actually, it doesn't make us stronger at all. We become more fragile. Because if emotional satisfaction is the ultimate goal, it's the ultimate good. That anything that challenges feels like it's harmful and our relationships become shallow or strained. Because if you hurt me, well, then I'm just not going to. I'm going to put up boundaries. There are. There's a time and place for grace and forgiveness. Truth is not relative because if our feelings define what's true, then two contradictory truths can both claim to be right. And that is not the case. We talked to Lee Strobel about that this week. We see moral categories start to fade. Where sin becomes a mistake, or it's a personal choice, or it's my truth. And we see spiritual growth just stalling and communities fracturing. Now, why does this matter for peace? Well, when everything and everyone is centered on their own comfort, then again, we're just protecting ourself. We are not growing spiritually. And that is a tough thing to do. We see this fragmentation occurring in public life because we see public discourse. There's so much emotion in it. Listen to the news, listen to social media. You see a lot of fear, a lot of anger, a lot of indignation, a lot of outrage. And there's a time and place for that. But really what I see is culture valuing authenticity over everything. It's. It's even more important than virtue. We, we don't, we don't espouse virtues of self control. That's not something that's often praised in the news. But it's just, yes, be angry, you should be angry. And yes, there is a time and place for righteous anger, but that is not going to lead to peace when we are constantly just marked by our emotions and even holidays are caught in that tension and outrage. And we see dehumanization happening. Now, I believe that every person was created in the image of God. And we know that Satan is an enemy who wants to steal, to kill, to destroy. And he is the father of lies, and he is trying to distort that image. And we see this through artificial intelligence, which is such a poor reflection of God's design for humanity. And that makes it really difficult because we see this dehumanization just through how we talk to each other on social media. People say things online that they would never Say, in person, in a relationship, there is just so much ugliness there.

Advent reminds us that true peace entered the world through Jesus Christ

But here is the countercultural narrative, the biblical narrative of hope and peace, because Scripture is very honest with us. It says we cannot do this on our own. Because in John 14:27, Jesus says, Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives, because what the world gives you will be insufficient, is what he was telling us. The world cannot give peace because we act like peace is a product that somehow we can manufacture, we can sell. Peace is found in a person. And Advent reminds us that true peace entered the world through Jesus Christ, who reconciles us to God and to one another. And peace can be present even in the absence of healing. And you don't have to heal yourself. You don't have to save yourself. You don't have to fix all your problems.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Problems.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: It's not the absence of problems. It's the presence of Christ in m the middle of those. And though the world is broken, the Gospel is good news for the restless soul. Christ's peace is not fragile. It is not dependent on our circumstances. It is lasting. It is healing. It is whole. And we think about this. But what about those broken relationships that are right in front of us? And that can be where our peace feels the most fragile, and those relationships that are supposed to bring us joy, but instead stir up old wounds and strained relationships and painful memories? And as Christians, we're called to be people of peace, but that doesn't mean being people who avoid conflict, people who suppress emotions, people who keep everyone happy. And there's a difference between peace making and peacekeeping. We talked about this earlier in the show this week, and I wanted to go back to it, because peacekeeping is avoiding conflict at all costs, just to maintain that surface level harmony. Peacemaking means actively entering conflicting situations, situations where there is conflict. But you enter that with humility and truth and love, and you seek reconciliation wherever it's possible. Jesus never called us to keep peace through just being silent, avoiding things. He called us to make peace through truth and grace. Because peace is not comfort. It's not quietness. It's not getting through Christmas with no conflict. It's the presence of, God in the middle of that conflict. It's more than calm. The biblical version of shalom means wholeness, restoration, harmony, flourishing, and right relationship with God. And shalom reflects God's intent for creation. Nothing is broken, nothing is missing. And this Christmas reminds us that Christ came to restore that kind of peace where sin shattered it and we can apply a biblical framework to Christmas boundaries. So when we come back, I'm going to talk to you about those relationships that you're thinking, should I put some boundaries around that to keep my peace, to make some peace? That's where we're going to go talking about how do we make peace in the middle of not peaceful situations, relational brokenness. I'll have some practical tips for you when we come back.

Tasha Layton: Turn your eyes on Jesus this Christmas

>> Jeff Chamblee: As we watch world events unfold and fulfill Scripture, it's hard to believe anyone could doubt God and His Word are real. And yet there are so many who either question or completely refuse to believe it. The God who speaks is a 90 minute documentary that hits the doubt head on with evidence that proves one God is real and His Word is the ultimate authority. Watch it anytime and invite others to watch with you. Just visit stream afa.net that's stream.afa.net.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Holy light of heaven shall shining from her, manger bed. Joseph stands there breathless Merry kisses their son's head no one else in this world knows King sleeps in the hay and they smile at one another with a little look that seems to say Turn your eyes, turn your eyes upon Jesus look full in his wonderful face and the things of this world will grow strange to lead them in the light of his glory and grace. Turn your eyes on Jesus this Christmas Day.

>> Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. Let's turn your eyes this Christmas by Tasha Layton. And that's exactly what I'm encouraging you to do in the middle of all of the kids chaos, wherever it is that you're running to, that you're thinking about, that you're stressed about. I ask you to turn your eyes to Jesus. That is the only way we're going to find real and lasting peace in a world that seems like it doesn't have peace at all. It seems absolutely impossible. And I know that many of you are struggling in that. Give yourself grace as God extends grace to you. His mercies are new every morning, even at the Christmas season. And this Friday we're continuing our talk about Advent. Last week we talked about finding hope in a hopeless world, and this week we're talking about finding peace in a world that seems peaceless. Now there is an irony here in finding the peace of the world because we find a world where it is very easy to argue endlessly with strangers online and to have conflict in the public square to voice your opinion in those kinds of places. Yet at the same time I see so many families that are avoiding honest conversation and that are avoiding Private conflict in those relationships that really matter and that can keep your family stuck in a cycle of resentment instead of healing. And we're using those public outlets to. To let out our emotion, to talk about our anger, when really we should be focusing on healthy relationship skills for conflict resolution.

There are many out there who have strained relationships with their family

Now, I want to give you some very practical advice here, because there are many out there I know who have strained relationships with their family. And I'm often asked the question, at what point should we go? Not go, should we place limits? How should we place boundaries around that? I'm asked that all the time. And this is something I've faced in my own life. And so let me give you just five steps that you can take to consider your situation. Just as a starting point to prayerfully consider. The first step is to evaluate the relationship honestly. Really, actually sit down, think about it, talk about it with your spouse or whatever relationship is going to be appropriate as you're deciding how your family is going to encounter this other family relationship. And think about it. What is the relationship? Have you talked about it? Do you know it's dysfunctional, but that's never really been said? Or is it just fractured or contentious? Is it healthy? Is it reciprocal? Is this relationship drawing you towards Christ likeness? Or is it just stealing your peace? What is the status of that relationship? And sometimes it can be really hard to evaluate that honestly because there's a lot of pretense that goes on in unhealthy relationships where you just kind of pretend like everything's normal, but that takes an emotional toll on you. And so the first step is to identify that relationship and evaluate it honestly. Step two is discerning your emotional capacity. What kind of capacity do you have in this season? What is your emotional bandwidth? Because every encounter in a fractious relationship like that, it is what I call emotionally expensive. It will cost you something. Some of those relationships cost you a very little. Some of those cost you a lot. So you need to look at what is your primary responsibility now. you may be in a time in life where you have young children at home and they need you. They need you to be at their best for reasons of survival, for reasons of physical safety, emotional safety, mental safety, social safety, and that may be the priority right now. You need to think about your emotional tank that you have and how much can you afford to spend because someone is going to bear the cost of that interaction. Now, if you go to the family relationship and you expend all of your emotional reserve trying to keep the peace, trying to just make Nice and do everything that you can. Many times when you come home, you're emotionally spent, literally spent. And who bears the price of that? Your spouse, your children, the people who are living in your home. And that's really not fair. So you need to think about what's not just being nice. What's, not obligation. Think really practically and realistically about your emotional reserve and what is needed, what is your priority, what are your obligations, and how much extra do you have to spend. Maybe you're in a great place and you think, you know what? I've got. Got so much at home. It is, Things are going great. My relationship with my spouse is great, my marriage is great, my kids are doing well. I can afford a little bit of this. But maybe you think, no, things are not so going so great at home. The marriage is a little strained and the kids have certain needs, they've been sick. Or we have other things. Maybe you just don't have that much to spend. So that's step two, being honest about your capacity. Step three, then, is identifying what boundaries that you need. And boundaries are not walls. They are wisdom. And I'll talk in just a minute about how you set those boundaries. But step four is then communicating those boundaries with clarity and grace. This is something that is so. It makes people shaking their boots. Maybe that's the Texas girl in me talking, but shaking your boots and just makes your hands sweaty. Thinking about, I cannot tell my parents that I'm not going to come to this event. But you know what? You can either feel anxious about that, or you can feel anxious about the whole event and take that cost all on yourself. And then there you. There's going to be some difficulty, but you have the ability to choose where that emotional stress is going to go. So it may be something that you say, hey, I love you. And to keep our time healthy, I'm, asking that we have this, this, family event from this time to this time, or we'll be leaving at this time, or we'll be with the family from this time to this time. And then we will be heading out. Just say those things, you know, for the men in your families. Just say those things on behalf of your half of your families. Talk about what's the best way to communicate those things. And step five is entrust those relationships to the Lord. Pray about them. Don't make the outcome of that relationship. If you communicate a boundary, it's not received well. That doesn't mean that it wasn't the right thing to do. That doesn't mean you can't find peace. You've got to be obedient to what God is calling you to do. But also recognize that peace doesn't depend on their reaction. It's just your obedience. When we are peacemakers that honors God, that peacekeeping can keep everyone stuck. But, Christ calls us to be peacemakers. And so you may have this vision of peace.

Let's talk a little bit more about boundaries like I promised you I would

Let's talk a little bit more about boundaries like I promised you I would. There are different levels of boundaries. So let's talk about what some of those options on a practical sense could look like for healthy family relationships. So the first thing would be time boundaries. That's probably the easiest and the lowest level of boundary that you can set. When you just set a time boundary, say we're arriving at this time M and we're departing at this time. And just shorten those visits just to keep them healthy, to keep them manageable. You're still going, but it's not open ended. You're not going to stay for the whole time. Just say, this is the, the time that we have. And that may be the boundary to communicate. If you want to up that a little bit. Another boundary might be conversation boundaries. You can just say, we're not talking about that issue. I'm not discussing parenting choices today. I want to focus on this. Let's talk about this. So that's a boundary for me today. I'm not going to talk about that today. I've decided that I don't want to talk about that on the holidays. And that can feel so I know even some of you are feeling so uncomfortable. I have definitely been there. But you may just need to put a conversation boundary up, especially if they're asking you, when are you getting married, when are you having a baby? Or, giving you unwanted advice to say, I'm putting a boundary on that. I'd rather talk about this. Think about some alternatives that you can give that you can pivot the conversation. Just say, you know what I'd really like to talk about? I'd like to talk about football or whatever it is that's a safe subject for your family. Maybe that that's really not a safe subject for your family. So you use that guidance. Now sometimes it can be a space boundary. You might need a space boundary. We've talked about time boundaries, conversation boundaries, but space boundaries are an option that means maybe meeting in a neutral location instead of going to someone's house. Maybe you stay in a hotel instead of staying in a family member's home. So that you have a little space that you can have that boundary in. Maybe it's, it's you're not going to celebrate in someone's home, but you're going to go out to a nice dinner or you're going to do an activity in a neutral space where both parties can leave as they need to. Now even tougher would be a relational boundary. That means limiting one to one time with draining people with people who are just difficult. Have your family look out for you in those kinds of, in those kinds of environments. If they see you cornered in the, and conversation with a person that they know it's a tense relationship, come and be their wingman, put those supportive people in group gatherings and, and just have that relationship boundary. And that can just be limiting that one on one time. Now the most severe boundary would be no contact. And this is something that is really talked about a lot and I think is honestly overused sometimes. Now if there is an issue of safety, if there is abuse, if there is manipulation, if there is chronic harm present, if there is family encounters that are so emotionally detrimental that it damages your relationship with your spouse, with your children, especially those children who are in your home, Scripture never commands us to stay in harm's way for the sake of peace. And so it may be no, no contact may be appropriate, but there are some certain circumstances. So those circumstances when there should be as if there's ongoing unrepentant abuse, any pattern of physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual, financial abuse that needs some firm boundaries. Scripture again never commands a believer to remain in the presence of danger. And that is something that, you know, there has to be some boundaries and that can look different. And I encourage you to seek spiritual guidance and that forgiving that person doesn't require subjecting yourself to ongoing harm. You can forgive someone while still removing yourself from the situation. If there is someone who consistently behaves destructively when they reject any correction, they're in those relationships. Long term patterns where just reconciliation, just is absolutely impossible. The other party is not seeking peace, is not seeking safety. Sometimes it is stewarding that space and having, having no relationship for a while. Another reason for no contact is if this relationship is really pulling you away from the Lord, if their influence leads you into sin and it's constantly reopening wounds that, and that impair your sanctification journey, your discipleship journey, then distance would be appropriate. And we won't want to be around people who are constantly leading us or encouraging us to sin. The other reason for no contact would be when boundaries have been tried and rejected repeatedly. If you have, as far as it depends on you, you have tried to make peace with other people, you have set reasonable limits around time, around topics, around tone, around location, around expectations, and those boundaries are just consistently violated, then no contact may be an option. But it is. But we also have to think that sometimes we use no contact to justify emotional avoidance. And that is not. That's not the case. Sometimes it's not about wisdom. It's more about just, I don't want to feel uncomfortable. And sometimes we can do that. And so when your desire for peace is really just, I just don't want to deal with that because it's emotionally uncomfortable. If you have not attempted healthy biblical communication, because Jesus gives us a very clear sequence for conflict resolution, that is really concerning when your emotional barometer is just reacting to normal human conflict. Because not every disagreement is dysfunction, not every hurt is toxic, not every difficult relationship is abusive. And so we are labeling these ordinary, imperfect relationships is harmful. We may be using that emotional intensity to define what is really the reality. Sometimes our emotional lens is just distorted because we're exhausted or we have a history of trauma that impacts the way that we look at things. And sometimes it's just plain holiday stress, and that can be really difficult. And, we cannot confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. It is possible to forgive while maintaining some distance. Forgiveness requires a posture of the heart, not immediate closeness. But it is so important to seek wise counsel from a counselor, a pastor, a therapist, someone who is walking with the Lord, who can help you discern whether your reasons are grounded in safety and scripture or just emotions. And that is really difficult to do. And I pray that wherever you are, as you move through the Advent season, that you would take the peace that Jesus offers you, not that the world gives, because he offers peace that outlasts conflict, that overwhelms fear, that restores what is broken and holds us steady. And I pray that the Prince of Peace will reign in your home and your heart this Christmas and that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his peaceful face shine upon you. And I'll see you again on Monday.

>> Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.