Transcript

Dr. Jessica Peck prescribes Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio

Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite part of the afternoon, getting to spend time with you, prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. And it is Fry. Yay. I don't know about you, but I have had a very long, very challenging week in a lot of different ways. And I am really happy to see Fry this week. And I hope that whatever you're doing this weekend, I know there's a lot of homecomings going on for school. There's a lot of fall festival, some pumpkin patches, you know, maybe some hope still for cooler weather. We've got the holidays right around the corner here. Whatever you're doing this weekend, whether you're working, spending time with family, I hope you're going to church at some point. I am so grateful that you are here.

Every Friday Dr. Nurse Mama talks about a healthy habit for your family

And on Friday, it is Ask Doctor Nurse Mama Friday, where I try to answer as many questions as I can. Yesterday I answered a lot of questions about when should my child have a cell phone? And we talked about that. We talked about the anxious generation. And all this week we've really been in an almost pre Advent Advent where we're really preparing our hearts. And we have actually been doing that as a family here, as a radio family. And I'm talking about you. My listeners thank so much to you who listen in. I know there's a lot of you who listen in every day and I'm so grateful because your time is your most valuable possession and the fact that you spend it here tells me that you are just desiring to, to learn more about your family, about how to best serve your family. And that, ah, encourages me and gives me so much hope. Every Friday we talk about a healthy habit. And we started this back in January. We started preparing for this year. It's never too late. You can go back and listen to any Friday show about the healthy habits. You can also listen to the Dr. Nurse Mama coaching minutes. That's literally just a one minute recap of that habit. We started off in the front in the first part of the year with spiritual disciplines, prayer, scripture, church worship, music, and practicing gratitude, having a daily devotional. We started to talk about some of those rhythms and spiritual disciplines, the rhythms that your family needs to have. Morning and bedtime routine, sleep, hygiene, family dinner, checking in with your family weekly. And then we did probably for me, the toughest section that was Communication skills. We talked about listening with your face, having words of affirmation, apologizing sincerely and quickly for what you need to apologize for that stuff. Writing letters, modeling your faith, giving generously. We talked about playing together, gathering with family. We spent all summer in technology and so if you're struggling with tech habits in your family, with digital discipleship, go back and take a listen. Starting towards the end of May, we, ah, started talking about reading out loud and watching faith based films with your family. Which by the way, this weekend Soul on Fire is still in theaters. That is the story of John o', Leary, a boy who was burned in a home accident when he was 8 years old. But God, but God saved his life and used the St. Louis Cardinals as a big part of his healing story. It had, it is just an amazing, miraculous story of God's grace and redemption. So I encourage you to check that out. Soul on Fire, go and check it out. We talked about being in pictures, unplugging on vacation, tech free zones, tech free times, tech tracking, everything to do with tracking. And then in the summer we talked about safety, keeping your family safe on the water, safe when you're playing. We talked about body safety and abuse prevention, school safety. And now we are in the Beatitudes stage. Not the Beatitudes from the Bible, but the beginning attitudes, the kind of attitudes that you should have. This is my translation. And we have talked about being hopeful, being a good friend, being unafraid, being an influencer, being resilient, being intentional.

Ephesians 4 calls us to be kind to one another

And that brings us to this week. And what are we going to talk about this week? This is actually kind of tough. And believe it or not, I get this question almost every time I speak to a group of parents. I get questions on how tenderhearted should I be as a parent and as a husband, as a wife, as whatever family relationship, that you have. What's that balance between toughness, recognizing the world is tough? Because we have a lot of conversation going on, especially about younger generations not being tough enough, not having the grit that older generations had. I've talked a lot about that. But, but today our habit is being tender hearted. Now this comes straight from scripture. This is not just something that I'm telling you as a nurse, as a mom, anything like that. It's Ephesians 4, 32 says, Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. That is our key scripture today. And Ephesians 4 is really Paul's call to, to live as a spiritually mature community. And he draws a sharp contrast between our old self, throwing off bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, malice, and adopting the new self, which includes to, telling us to put on kindness and compassion and forgiveness. It is not just a sentiment, it is not a feeling, it is not a way that you act. This is a spiritual transformation. This is a heart issue, this is a character issue. But a tender heart is not something that you're born with. If you've ever seen toddlers fight over toys, you know that that instinct is not there, that instinct for kindness. We don't have to tell kids how to hit when they want something, they do that, they act in that way. It is a tender heart is something the Holy Spirit forms in you as you walk with Christ. And Paul reminds us that, that our tenderness towards others, it's a direct reflection of how deeply we accept and understand God's kindness towards us. That is really transformational because we know that it is God's kindness that leads us to repentance. We know that from Romans 2 and because Paul asks us, do you presume that on the riches of God's kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness, not his wrath, not his anger, not his discipline, his kindness, is meant to lead you to repentance, but because of your hard and impenitent heart, you are storing up wrath for yourself and then it goes on and it is serious business.

I want to talk today about kindness in the world

And so I really want to talk today about kindness in the world. And when you remember how gently, how tenderly, how kindly God has handled your worst moments, the forgiveness that he offers, not that there's not consequences for that. We see that all through the life of David, all through the life of so many other biblical characters. But when you remember that, it just becomes harder to justify harshness towards your family, because God knows everything about you. Every failure, every flaw, every mean thought you hold back, every moment of weakness, you. And yet God meets us not with condemnation, but with compassion, with kindness. And his correction is very firm, but it is never cruel. And he speaks truth to us, to help us heal. And when we lose that kind of mercy, then we really lose our, the sight of that kind of mercy. We lose our ability to be kind to our family. But we really want to mirror that mercy we've received to our family and to know that because God forgave us, we can forgive others. Because God is kind to us, we can be kind to others.

The question that I get most often is confusing toughness and strength

Now let me talk about. The question that I get most often is confusing toughness and strength. Toughness with strength, associating toughness with strength. Being tough is strong. Being gentle is being weak. And I get a lot of questions, especially from dads about that, because when I talk about all this touchy feely stuff, they're like, wait a second, I have sons. I want to raise my sons to be strong. I want to raise my daughters to be strong. And you know, those, those messages that we get is like, don't be soft, be tough. You know, suck it up, hold it in emotions or weakness, Boys don't cry, all of those kinds of things. But you know what? I really believe that Scripture shows us a different kind of manhood. And even when we look at Jesus, who is the ultimate example of strength, he was tender hearted. He wept over Jerusalem. He wept over the death of his friend Lazarus. He welcomed children with a very tender heart. He showed fear. He asked his friends when he was scared, hey, stay with me. Hey, pray with me. Hey, pray for me. And he forgave his enemies while hanging on a cross. Those are all, those are moments of extraordinary strength. And his tenderness didn't dilute his authority. It didn't. It displayed divine power that was under control. And the same can be true for parents. When we are tender, we can display that attribute of God's power under control. And so for fathers, being tender, it's not the same as being permissive and just letting your kids do whatever or feel whatever. What it means is being approachable, being emotionally safe to talk to, being spiritually grounded. And your family needs that toughness. We need the toughness of men for the protection of family. But they also, your family, needs that tenderness for connection and being the kind of strong that makes your family feel safe and not scared. That is what we're going for here because the world is hard. And kids need to see big strength modeled in their father figures and their grandfather figures and the male figures in their family and their uncles and their cousins. They need to see courage and, and perseverance and facing challenges with confidence. And when a dad is tough, you can teach self discipline, you can teach accountability. You can teach your kids how to stand firm in conviction. And when you show, sometimes there is a time for tough love. That means setting boundaries, that means enforcing consequences. That means helping your kids understand that their character is being shaped when they struggle. But it means, of doing that with approachability, doing that with kindness. And kids gain some emotional resilience when they see their dad facing tough things and yet facing it with integrity and calm. It's not anger, it's not bitterness. It's calm and it's kindness. Even through that, strength and toughness protects families. It gives children a sense of security. Hey, somebody is protecting our family. But tenderness shows emotional safety. That home, you can, you can be vulnerable here. You can be weak here. You can show us your struggles here, because every human has those. And when a dad shows that tenderness, that tender heartedness, it makes fear go away. It breaks down barriers, it builds trust. And you're modeling strength with compassion. That is a reflection of God's heart. So kids who experience both firm boundaries and fond affection, that is where you want to meet. In the middle of those, they learn how to balance courage with kindness. That's really important. So look for those moments where you can have a comforting word, a hug after you've given words of correction, a, conversation that requires more patience than job. Those are the things that kids are going to remember. It's all about a balance of toughness and tenderness. Because that toughness is going to prepare kids for the world. Tenderness is going to prepare them for the relationships that are in their life. And so we want to see those men leading their families, the dads who are strong on the outside, but have a soft side at home. And they're giving their children both armor for the world and an anchor for their soul. I think that's what so many dads want to do. And we see Jesus model this balance, being bold and truth, but gentle with the broken. And that's important because we are l in a pretty harsh world. Some psychologists have dubbed this the age of outrage. And one of the things that is really disheartening to me, and I know it's probably disheartening to you too, is the coarse public discourse that happens. I mean, public talk today, the way that people talk in the airport. I was not too long ago in an airport where I was listening to a group of college boys who were on a trip together. And the things that they were talking about with no shame, no attempt to be discreet, there was no discretion. They were standing around a bunch of families talking about the most. The most explicit things that you can imagine, which I'm not even going to give grace to on the air. And probably some of you are wondering. I can feel the question now on this Question Friday. Well, did you say something? Well, I think if you've listened to my show more than once, you know, of course I did. I actually had a really good conversation with those boys, but it was just so normal to them. They were actually kind of shocked that somebody would say something about it. And we see that public talk, whether it's in the news, on social media, just in the public square, it's coarse and it's combative. And that tone is really meant to attack and to dismiss and to humiliate. And we see outrage as entertainment that is definitely gamified. It's commodified. It is sold. People want. That's why the term rage bait is so popular. Rage bait was a word, is a word that's very prevalent in younger cultures. It means intentionally making someone mad just to be entertained, to see what happens. Oh, I'm going to rage bait them. Watch what happens. This is going to be funny. This is going to be good. And you know what? That's not going to be okay. And so when we come back, I'm going to talk about that culture of rage baiting, which is the antithesis of kindness. I'll tell you how it's manifesting itself in movies and music and what we can do about it. I'll see you right after this break.

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Oh Death by MercyMe: You said my fate was sealed. You said my days were numbered. Case closed with no appeal. My future six feet under. messing with my head in ghost fashion. My heart was holding its breath. terrified of taking my last one. Oh, death, you scared me to death. Whoa, you ain't my king, though. Whoa. Where did your sting go? Oh Death I will not be afraid in the end, you Will lose. I would bend the on your grave with the one who buried you. You ain't nothing but a stone. that my savior rolled away. Set you straight and set me free. Oh, death You are dead to me.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Oh Death, by mercy me. And that's a message that will cheer us up any day. Welcome back on this Ask doctor Nurse, Mama Fry. Yay. As my kids say.

We are in the Beatitudes portion of 52 habits for healthy families

And I say now, we are in the Beatitudes portion. The Beatitude attitudes. How should we be portion of, 52 habits for healthy families. I cannot believe that we are as far as we are, but we are. We are. Here we are in week 43, if you're counting of, 20, 25, which means that we are rounding the corner to the end of the year. And because I've mentioned Christmas so much this week, I won't mention it today. Oops, I already did and I'm not sorry. But we are talking about the habit today, which is being kind of, which is kind of perfect. So be kind. Be kind, all of you. I know you'll wait till after Thanksgiving. It'll be all good. But today we're talking about how do we be kind and tender hearted. Our core verse today is Ephesians 4:32, Be kind and tender hearted towards one another, forgiving one another, just as in Christ, God forgave you. That is the convicting part of that verse that we often leave off. And we just have the segment where we say, be kind. But we have to be kind. We have to tell ourselves that. And as I was saying before the break, I'm increasingly disheartened, honestly, by the lack of civil public discourse, civil public conversation. What we see is rage baiting, which is very popular in young generations. And they intentionally make someone angry to, to. To just be entertained. And this is not godly. This is not a, Christ like attribute. This is not a fruit of the spirit. It is not a spiritual discipline. But one of the things that we see is constant pushing of boundaries. And it's really difficult for kids to know what's appropriate or not. And I believe the Enemy often uses humor to disarm and desensitize people to think, oh, well, that was kind of funny. And we see sarcasm especially passing for humor. Now. There's nothing wrong inherently on its face with being sarcastic. Sometimes a, well placed sarcastic comment can be, you know, really funny. but online sarcasm is as a commodity. The sharpest insult gets the most like. And the cruelest meme is the one that Travels the fastest. And we are really, we have to be careful. Where's that line between sarcasm and normalizing? Mocking people? So that when you were kind to people, the response is very, foreign, you know, just thinking, what are you doing? Why are you being kind to that? It causes confusion, which is actually an advantage when we do that. Because, you know, when you say something kind, when that's not in that environment, it's going to get attention. And that is an opportunity, but it is also an opportunity for you to be mocked as well. And that makes us kind of feel afraid. We also see social media. One of the most common things that we see is mocking other people and shaming people in the public and dehumanizing people, because we don't even know this person that we're saying things about that we really wouldn't say to someone we know in real life. And when we're constantly exposed to sarcasm and cynicism, they really. It slowly kind of desensitizes us for compassion and for kindness. We also see political and cultural conversations that are just saturated with contempt. And we reached a place with disagreeing with someone means hating the person. And I think we've seen that on full display. open any social media platform, open any news platform, and you are going to see this happening. And we have children who are growing up really fluent in this vitriolic, really ugly dialogue, but they don't know how to have empathy. And tenderheartedness is something that's very countercultural. Now, I'm not saying that we're not bold in the truth. We are bold in the truth. We need to be Christ, like in the tone. That's where we're going for, because we think about Jesus being the lion and the lamb. But advocacy does require courage. We've got to engage in the public square. We've got to speak truth. We've got to defend what's right, even when we're scared, even when it's unpopular. But we can stand very firm without trampling on other people. And we have got to make sure that we are not delivering truth with vulgarity, with sarcasm that is intended to be unkind. Those kinds of things weaken our witness. And we've got to go for a tone that is firm, that is confident, but that's compassionate, and that shows a way for grace. And that is what we're. That's what we're going for. Because public, public discourse is a mission field. Every post, every comment, every conversation, it can either reflect the kingdom of God or it can reflect the culture. And, and sometimes we're delivering the right message in the wrong vehicle. And we've got to think about where is kindness in indicated? Where do we need to be kind?

Let me talk about some other ways that we see a lack of kindness in culture

Let me talk about some other ways that we see a lack of kindness in culture and society and how this is impacting kids. Because again, we talked about, on social media, just that shaming. I mean, people will absolutely shame people. I have seen comments about people, I know about people myself on social media that are just absolutely the most unkind. I don't even know the words to say, to speak about the meanness that is there and that speed and anonymity. A lot of times of social media, it really amps up the cruelty. And bystanders are more likely to join in than to defend. And then you see conflict, and then you see people posting popcorn means like, oh, I'm going to watch this for entertainment. Then you see people saying, I'm, out of here, I'm not going to talk about it. And then you see people who will not step away until the last comment is there, there. But we also see sarcasm as a norm in comedy and media. Now, you may have heard a lot of controversy about a special that was aired in 2024. This was actually a special on the Roast of Tom Brady. I even heard my kids talking about this. I heard a lot of kids talking about this. And it was met with criticism. Now, a roast is supposed to be sarcastic, it's supposed to be good natured, it's supposed to be in good fun. But this one in particular seemed to really take it over the edge and had a lot of very excessive vulgarity, very personal attacks that happened. Jokes about his, about, his recent divorce and to the point that Tom Brady actually publicly expressed some degree of regret over participating in it because he was very, convicted, thinking about the impact on his children. And he said that he would not do that again because of the negative impacts that, that it had on his family. And it really sparked a broader conversation about what are the boundaries of comedy. We've been talking about this a lot. And if we as adults are wrestling with this, what's funny and what's not funny, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that in most of your houses you've had some sort of argument that goes like this. Somebody says something, somebody in your family says, that's not funny. And the other person says, oh, come on, no, that you're being too sensitive. That is funny, that's hilarious. And then all of a sudden you've got an argument. These are good discussions to have, but we need to have that line. And if we as adults are having trouble with where that line is for kindness and where humor crosses the line to be unkind, you can bet our kids are having a hard time at that, too. And they're watching culture, they're watching adults. They're watching this political discourse that's happening. They're watching the news that we have on, that their grandparents have on. And all they see is angriness and unkindness. And a lot of kids are saying, I don't want to be a part of that. Which is concerning because we want them to be engaged in the issues, but they can't see the issues because all they see is the. The way that that conflict is happening. We also see reality TV using cruelty as currency. They monetize cruelty. This is the opposite of kindness. And we see conflict sold as content because some shows actually orchestrate arguments. They set people up to fight. They set people up to unknowingly betray each other so that the audience can see what happens. Producers have been known, this has been controversial in many shows, that they socially engineer situations to intentionally create tension, to pit contestants against each other. And there is prioritization of drama over dignity. That human. There's a great loss of human dignity in many of these forums. And we see, like, highlighting fights. If you see the commercial, it's going to be a cat fight or a fist fight or an emotional breakdown. And that is marketed for entertainment. That is public humiliation when people are exposed in moments of weakness. That's sold as entertainment. When hosts are encouraged to mock or ridicule participants, that is. That's monetizing unkindness. Or we have competition at the expense of kindness. This impacts viewers, it impacts culture, because we see that entertainment and success are tied to humiliation. And then we have some kids who are trying to humiliate themselves to monetize it because they know that it sells. We also see this kind of culture normalizing gossip and backstabbing and sarcasm, verbal cruelty, that these are just things that happen. These are just acceptable and social and professional settings. And they believe that when they get cutting humor, if they say something really harsh, what do people respond to them? They say, ooh, that was a sick burn. Right? Meaning that we literally burned that person. Like, that is a burn. That is an injury, and yet you get high fives for it. That was really good. But it's not good to treat other people like that. We even see this in our workplace. We see companies that reward employees for, hey, you being competitive, being cutthroat, you do whatever you have to do because it's all about the bottom dollar. It's, you know, every man for himself, every woman for himself, all of those things. And children observe those dynamics. I saw a, little cartoon that was drawn out about transferred anger. It was a piece of art that I saw this week. And it was a boss yelling at a dad, and then the dad, and then the next frame is the dad coming home from work and yelling at the mom and the next frame is the mom yelling at the kid and the next frame is the kid yelling at the cat. It was, it was really, it made me think quite a bit because I think we do bring that unkindness home sometimes and we do let it out in our safe space because when we come home we feel like, oh, these are the people who love me. I've been holding this in all day. And it's got to go out somewhere. We have got to have a better coping mechanism. We also see it in bullying and online gaming where we see people mocking other people for their appearance or their ability. This happens either online and it still happens in old fashioned slam books that are passed around. Those are seeing a resurgence in the absence of phones in schools. I know this, I've been talking to parents about this and we're back to passing notes in class. So while there's a lot of benefits of having a tech free environment, kids will always find a way, people will always find a way. And that is concerning. And we see pop culture that glorifies revenge and callousness because revenge is something that is glorified, like something that's really aggressive, something that's really violent. We see that revenge as the hero in the movie. We see bullying and mockery as the, the he, the person that is the hero. But we really see the rise of the antihero. This was really popularized in Taylor Swift's song. Talking about characters who succeed but really using some dubious methods that they're not, they're not the the, the perfect hero that you might think of in an old fashioned sort of way. It normalizes kind of the, the end, the end justifies the means rather than modeling accountability. We see this in music because the amount of violence and aggression in music lyrics is really, really concerning. And some specific music genres, they glorify this. I mean it is, it is a, reinforces a culture where verbal cruelty is sold. We see people objectified, we see callousness towards other people's Feelings. And again, we see this glorification of revenge and retaliation and all of these things that are not spiritual attributes, that are not spiritual disciplines. And when we have continuous exposure to all of these movies and all of these music that reward cruelty.

Tenderheartedness is choosing kindness over being sarcastic

And I'm sure some of you are even thinking of movies with those words in the title, because that sells. But we have to know that there is the risk for desensitizing, especially younger audiences. And they may start to mimic those things. Young kids are going to start using those words, using that tone. And families who model instead the things that are countercultural, who stand firm on truth, who speak the truth in love, but give correction gently, who seek connection before correction, who are tender hearted. That is such a great opportunity, and I'm telling you as a secret weapon for you, because it's so countercultural, it's not something that they regularly encounter that kindness catches attention. And we can see this in the news where people experience significant injustice. And probably one of the most, the most talked about examples would be Erica Kirk forgiving the young man who shot her husband. And when we see that, that play out in courts, it is, it is very attention grabbing because when all of this is happening, our children are absorbing it. They're watching adults online tear each other down. They're mimicking it in their schools and their group chats and their social lives. But tenderheartedness is choosing kindness. When the world is choosing cruelty, it's choosing to be kind over being sarcastic. It's choosing to be humble instead of to be prideful. And that is so important because when we have an emotional spectrum at home, we have this spectrum in between apathy and anger. And right in the middle of that, we've got to find that kindness. And we see this using sarcasm as humor, like eye rolling. Oh, yeah, you're always like that. Teasing to the point where it really hurts. Making continual sarcastic remarks about someone's character. And it seems funny, it's marketed as funny. But I can tell you there's a lot of people in therapy who will say, yeah, this is the family joke, but it really hurts me. Or having harsh criticism, just focusing on mistakes rather than effort. Using words that shame instead of teach. Why do you always. Why can you never neglecting emotions, not talking about those feelings, harboring unforgiveness, favoritism and comparison, reactive anger. These are all ways that the lack of kindness shows up, in our homes. But when we come back, back, I'll talk a little bit more about that and I will give you some power. To break generational cycles. Maybe you're in that generational cycles. And I'll talk about how we can do differently, how we can do better, and I know that we can. On this Friday where we're talking about healthy habits, I want to encourage you to think about a way that you could go home and show kindness to your family. They would love it more. On the other side of this break. Here'S Dr. Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks.

Dr. Carl Trueman: One of the striking things about the Reformation is how corporate their understanding of the, the Christian life is. Now there are certain cultural or sociological factors that play into that. But the reformer's emphasis on the corporate goes beyond the mere incidentals of the historical context in which they live. They also had a powerfully theological understanding of how Christians meet God. And they meet God primarily in the preaching of, of His Word. You go to church in order to gather with the saints and to hear God's word proclaimed. And when God's word is proclaimed to a crowd, it is a powerful and special spiritual experience. Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.

Gratitude by Brandon Lake: You again and again. 'Cause All that I have is a Hallelujah I know it's not much but I I've nothin' else fit for a king except for heart singing

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That song is Gratitude by Brandon Lake. And I remember when one of my kids graduated from high school, that was their class song. And I heard them all singing that together at the top of their lungs. No music, no nothing, Just, oh, it's gonna get me. I get me all in the feels right there. Just hearing young people sing those words. I'm telling you, this is one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about listening to Christian music. I think it is such a, A, tool that we can use for discipleship.

52 habits for healthy families are discussed in discipleship today

And one of the things we're talking about with discipleship today is 52 habits for healthy families. We are rounding the corner here towards the end of the year and we are in the be attitudes, not so much the Beatitudes from the Gospels, but the how we should be, what our attitude should be at home. And today we're talking about being tender hearted. Now I know this is radically countercultural. It really is. Being tender hearted is not something that you see on display in many very public ways, in many prominent ways in culture, but it also shows up in our family. So as I was saying, ways that unkindness shows up in our family is being sarcastic to the point of being hurtful, but passing it off as humor. And being really harsh. And that criticism, just giving. Dishing out a lot more criticism and making that to be. To generalize. A behavioral struggle to become a character flaw. Maybe you have a really good kid who's struggling with being on time. Maybe you have a really good kid who's struggling with being. Having a respectful attitude. But when you start saying, why are you so disrespectful? Why are you so lazy? All of a sudden we started speaking about them with their character. And that's not kind. We sometimes emotionally neglect our families. We don't talk about those feelings when we see them because it's just inconvenient, it's uncomfortable. And there's just a myriad of reasons that we, that we do that. Or we may harbor unforgiveness for someone in our home. We show favoritism towards one child or siblings or. Or we just have that reactive anger where we're just running. Have you ever been there? I have been there. It is one of the worst places for me to be. When you're just running on the edge, you're running on fumes, you are exhausted emotionally, you're exhausted physically. You are just. You got almost nothing. And any little thing is just gonna cause that snap reaction. Then the shame that pours on you after that. When you just lose it on your kids, you lose it on your spouse. That is not kindness. And that's really hard. And so as I was talking about before the break, we have this range of feelings. We have apathy where we can respond by being like, okay, I don't care. I'm just numbing out. I'm disconnected, I'm indifferent. I just have distance. Like, I'm just gonna keep my distance. Tenderheartedness is in the middle where we care, but we can also get hurt. But we feel deeply without being reactive. We're balancing empathy and self control. We're balancing discipline and discernment. Those things are really important. That's where we create a safe and nurturing environment. On the other hand, we have of, apathy. We have anger where we just are explosive all the time. Our responses are always hostile, sarcastic. They. And it breaks trust, it escalates conflict. And anger is very, very destructive. And so our goal is to be countercultural, to be Christlike and to be tender hearted. Because when we get callous, when we get harsh, when we get critical, when we get emotionally cold, our kids internalize all of that and they start to develop patterns of behavior that they will pass onto their kids. Some kids may walk on eggshells they're looking for any cue about their emotional safety. They take on the responsibility of not triggering you, of adjusting their behavior to keep their emotional stability. And then we pass that down. And research shows that when you're constantly exposed to verbal aggression, it actually increases your cortisol levels and damages your blood vessels. And we're talking about even little kids having potential long term cardiac health benefits. It also, when kids are little, it literally destroys the neural pathway in their brain that helps them to create empathy. So when they're adults, it is really hard. Something that seems so simple to somebody who's emotionally healthy can look and say, well, what do you mean you don't see that? Well, their, their neural pathway may have been damaged and it's really difficult to make that connection and to relearn that. It heightens anxiety, it increases heart disease risk. Harshness literally rewires a person's brain and it makes them feel more fearful. The amygdala, the emotion center, they feel more defensive. And spiritually, when kids are raised in an unkind home, they think, well, if my parent doesn't feel kind, then how is God kind? Because they make that, they're trying to make that connection in their mind. And if parents are unkind, they subconsciously project those traits on the image of God. And some of us are living in generations where you've got an even tougher road to climb because you don't have a good example, and you have a lot of baggage and you have a lot of hurt, and you're raising families and you're trying to be kind while you're still healing and impacted by the effects of your own unkindness. I had an episode like this even just last night where something was reminded to me, something unkind that really happened. And it is so, so hard to do that. And maybe when you're stepping into that, tenderness just feels very foreign or frankly, it feels unsafe. Because love, you only feel loved when you're performing. You only feel loved when you're perfect. And stepping into that space of vulnerability is just scary as all get out. But cycles can end with you. God renews, restores, and redeems. And he especially specializes in rewriting family stories and redeeming family trauma and drama. And a generation that chooses tenderness can really heal what generations of unkindness, what harshness, what criticism broke? And it starts with just being aware of saying what happened wasn't okay, it wasn't healthy. And ask God to show you any of those, unkind places in your heart and ask him to daily replace that harshness with grace. Even if your emotion is justified, that is really hard to do. But we, we have to be kind also. The other end of the spectrum is without overcompensating, because sometimes, especially in families that are healing from drama, from trauma, you want to give your kids everything you didn't have, and you want to appease them and you want them so badly to be happy, and you want them so badly to not have the negative emotions that you did, that you overcompensate and you just avoid causing them pain at all costs. You give them everything instead of having the courage to say no, to say no with kindness. And that danger is that it creates entitlement, which then kids don't know what it doesn't feel like to be safe. They don't recognize the sacrifice that you're giving. So then you start to feel resentful because, hey, I'm sacrificing all of this. And you don't even appreciate it because they don't even know it. And it's good that you don't know it. Can you tell this is just an emotional spiral? And I know right now some of you are just feeling that and feeling the weight of that. But we've got a model kindness like God's kindness, God's kindness.

Children raised in emotionally safe homes are more likely to be healthy adults

God disciplines us as children. Who he loves, he disciplines. It's his kindness that leads us to repentance and growth, not indulgence, not giving us everything that we want. Sometimes those discipline consequences are really harsh. But God never withholds his love. Nothing in all of creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. And we know that challenges can shape and strengthen our kids. And that's important. And it's not about grand gestures. So often in this age of social media, we think it's about the grand gesture. We've got to have the over the top party. We've got to have the car with the bow on it. All of these things that are financially or emotionally or, relationally extravagant, it's not there. It's not there. The real kindness, the best kindness, is in a gentle answer when you really feel irritated. It's sending an encouraging text back instead of a critical comment. It's giving a sincere apology instead of just the silent treatment. And it's saying, I love you, even when world's words feel awkward. I know I was having a conflict with one of my children who I, I went into. I, was like, okay, this is a mess. This was left a Mess. I could text something. I had some words to say, but I didn't. And I will tell you, my child came to me and was like, I realized I did this. I was, I was in this class at this moment and I realized it. I felt so bad about it and I was so glad that I had held my tongue. I was so glad that I had not said something that was unkind. And kindness heals. Science affirms this. So what? Scripture already knows when you give that act of compassion instead of aggression, it triggers oxytocin. That's a bonding agent in our brains that builds trust and reduces stress. When you forgive, it makes your immune system stronger. It makes your heart healthier. Couples who use gentle language during conflict, they recover faster. They're less likely to divorce. Children raised in emotionally safe homes are more likely to be healthy adults in every way that you can imagine. Proverbs 15:4 says, A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. And we can have power with angry words. Those words last. I know you can probably think right now of angry words that were spoken to you that have left a scar on your soul, that have left psychological effects that have exposed you've been. If you've been exposed to harsh or critical or demeaning language, it'll make you anxious. They make you feel terrible about yourself. It can make it hard to trust people. And when kids experience that, it leads them, they mirror the same behavior or they cope with perfection trying to be perfect so that nothing will make them up to upset. And this emotional climate of our home, it really matters. We don't need to fill it with unkind angry words that break trust, that spiritually distort, that ripple over into their siblings relationship. It teaches them how to treat their peers, their teachers, their own families. We've got to contrast that angry speech with tender hearted speech when you have gentlemen measured words. They go so far in restoring trust and modeling to our families how to have a healthy emotional regulation, how to create a safe environment that people want to come home to. Have you ever felt like that where you just feel like you don't even want to go home? You see somebody's car in the driveway and you think, ah, I wish I could just turn around, I'll just drive around. Because the emotional climate is so tough and as parents we've got to lead in that. And dads can really be so powerful and so influential. In some ways, kids expect their mom to be kind. In some ways. In some ways women are Just more naturally predisposed to be able to do all of that nurturing. But when dads do it, they have an even bigger potential for a superpower. And we've got to balance kindness and truth. We've got to have, as my granny always said, grace and grit. You need both of those. You need grace, but you need grit. Because being tender hearted doesn't mean that we don't speak truth. They're not the opposite. Kindness and truth are partners. We speak the truth in love, but that means it's not harsh, it's not condescending, it's not sentimental or shallow. We're. We're speaking the truth with love. We're being tender in that we're correcting while connecting. We're expressing frustration with our spouse without humor, humiliating them. We're holding our friends accountable without being prideful or arrogant or smug about it. And here's the thing that is going to upset some of you, but tone matters. Tone matters just as much as your words, and even more so in some ways, because tone communicates more than words. The same words can heal or hurt. Think about you saying, you know, we need to talk or we need to talk, or that's interesting, or that's interesting. Or how about I love you or I love you. The way that we say things makes such a big difference. And tone communicates emotion. And when you pick your timing of when to deliver those words and that tone, if you try to initiate conversation at the wrong moment, that can trigger defensiveness. It's not a time to start a conversation. It's not kind to ambush somebody when they're tired, when they're stressed, when they're walking out the door. They've got something to do, but you've got something on your heart. You've got to share what is the kind way to deliver that truth in the right tone and the right timing, and that's important. And there's a lot of cynics out there, and that's okay. I can be one at times who say, hey, that's just the, those are saying, oh, your tone. They're just being too sensitive. They need to realize that how the real world is. That's not weakness, it's just kindness. That is a superpower understanding of how the brain works about how relationship works.

Jesus calls us to be tender hearted at home

And expecting kindness is not about being entitled, it's about being effective. And that's what we want to be. So we, we can get sensitive about tone because maybe the past experience that we have because of how we've experienced in culture or just the way that our personality is. So here's the thing. Pause before you respond. Choose to be calm. Check your intent. Think Am I trying to help or am I trying to vent? Am I trying to connect or am I just trying to get this off my chest and mirror Christ speech that was firm when needed but always measured and gracious and empathetic. And that is really important to do. And so tenderness. I encourage you to be tender hearted at home. Practice that. Pause before you respond. Replace sarcasm with sincerity. Make your home just value a sincere word. Apologize really quickly. Speak those blessings daily. Celebrate emotion because it's okay to have feelings and we can cope with those feelings in a healthy way. Pray for soft hearts. Pray for your heart to be tender and serve together. And if you if you want more information about communication, go back and listen to those Friday shows where we talked all about that. How do you speak words of affirmation? How do you apologize? How do you write a letter? And maybe some of you need to write a letter. But in a world obsessed with being tough, Jesus is calling us to be tender hearted. And we're not compromising truth. We're just delivering it with dignity. It's not emotional fragility. It's spiritual mature maturity. And the strongest hearts are shaped by grace. And I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you as you choose to be tender hearted. I'll see you on Monday.

Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.