Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword BABY or visit preborn.com/AFR hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite time of the day, getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. Now listen, we talk about a lot of things on this show. We talk a lot about parenting. And today we have a message for the dads out there. Yes, this show today is for the dads and we're talking to men today. Whether you are aspiring to be a father, where whether you are a father of littles, you're a father of teens, you are a grandfather, you are a father of grown children. We live in a culture that trains men for everything except this most important role that you will ever hold. I mean, you train every day for things that matter so, so much less. You might sit through an orientation and your first day on the job, you might earn a certification to prove you're qualified to work a piece of machinery or manage a product, a project. But when it comes to being a dad, the moment you step into that most important, most influential role of your life, if you are a father, it is so important, there is no training, no roadmap, no clear expectations. I know this having worked as a nurse in the newborn nursery for decades, decades, and just handing babies over to dads who sit there wide eyed. And basically the best you can do is you'll figure it out, ask a lot of questions, read a lot of books. You are just handed this human life. I have been that person to hand a human life to a dad for the first time so many times and just tell them you'll figure it out. Most dads really want to do their best, but they do it oftentimes without guidance, without language and sometimes without community to walk alongside and have honest conversations about fatherhood. Fatherhood becomes the one role that you're expected to master just by instinct instead of intention. But research is clear, fathers are still, no matter what the world may tell you, fathers are still among the most influential people in a, family's life, especially in a child's life. Now, According to the U.S. department of Health and Human Services, children with actively involved fathers are 40% less likely to repeat a grade in school. They're more likely to have higher self esteem. They're more capable of emotional regulation. They are less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drug use. And here's the one truth that needs to be said though. Kids don't need a perfect dad because no such perfect dad exists here on earth. But they do desperately need a present one. They need an invested one. And I recently read a quote in this last week that said, too much love doesn't stay spoil. Children spill. Children become spoiled when we substitute presents for presence, when we're trying to give them too many things, when we the one thing they need is the gift of our time. And our guest today is Jeff Hamilton. He is a respected pastor, a coach, and the founder of DAD Academy. He has more than 35 years of ministry and leadership experience and he has dedicated his life to helping men become intentional, confident fathers. And every father wants that. He is the author of the book dad Academy Raising Courageous, Capable, Confident Kids. It's a practical, faith filled guide designed to equip dads with a clear plan to lead their families and leave a lasting legacy. Jeff, we are so glad to welcome you to the show. Thanks so much for coming by, Jessica.
Jeff Hamilton: This is so awesome to get to do this and appreciate this great opportunity, to connect with you and your ministry and your audience. So thanks.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well Jeff, I'd love for you just to introduce yourself to our listeners, tell them a little bit about your childhood. I know that you are blessed to have a strong legacy of fatherhood, but how did all of that come to you, having a ministry to equip dads to be really intentional in their own fatherhood journey?
Jeff Hamilton: Well, I had the benefit of having a, a great dad. he was a great example and he too like many men, had to kind of navigate, maybe some of the shortcomings of his own father. You know, raised by a greatest generation man whose job was to kind of provide and nurture. my dad didn't come to Christ until he was actually in the army and then pursued God's call on his life. So I raised in a pastor's home and I think the, the greatest, testimony of an authentic faith is kids who grew up in a ministry home who still pursue Jesus themselves. There means that there's something active and Engaged. And unlike so many other students, my siblings and I, I'm the oldest of three, we all felt that our parents did a great job of passing on a practical faith and that we above the people in the ministry and we tried to follow that through. As I followed my father into vocational ministry. I've been a senior pastor for 30, 30 years. started was demoted to senior pastor from youth ministry, when I did Youth Ministry for 10 years. I love students and young people and throughout my, throughout my journey, whether I was a youth pastor or whether I'm a senior pastor, you know, people are always asking for advice. What do I do with my kids, what kind of things are they walking through? I thought it was even crazy to be in a 25 year old youth pastor that parents are asking me for advice on their 15 year old. Right. I didn't, I didn't really have that kind of knowledge. But we intentionally in our process of wanting to help people put practical steps to their faith that the scripture says that it's our main responsibility in Deuteronomy to, to integrate our, our journey with Jesus into our everyday life with our family. And so while my wife and I worked hard to kind of do this and, and cobbled together some resources and we also had the benefit of having a good example. What really began to change was in 2015 once my kids graduated from high school and started to move out on their own as young adults. At that time, my advanced degrees are in organizational and strategic leadership and I would coach pastors. I would do a lot of consultation for businesses on aligning culture to values. And I started thinking about some of the exercises that I was doing with these corporate leaders. Why don't we have something like this for dads? Because as you mentioned, being a dad's the only thing a guy does in his life without a plan. So I took some of those processes and put it together in this kind of resource. And originally just started out as a, as a seminar that I would do or a small group, a situation for guys in my church or guys in my area. Then in Covid, when we all everybody in the church became television producers, gave us the opportunity, right, to put it on video and develop a workbook. And last year, we just felt that in order to penetrate and to get this resource to as many people as possible that we turned it into a, into a book form. And so over the last six months we've just been telling the story of trying to Encourage dads that they can be the God, the dad that God has designed them to be, and to help them along in that journey to discover both who God has designed them to be, but also to. To build a sense of community.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Jeff, and I'm so grateful that you did, because like I said in the intro, I have handed so many babies to dads who just look terrified. And we're going to talk all things fatherhood on this show.
We need to talk about generational legacy of fatherhood
But before we do that, Jeff, I want to ask you one question that's really on my heart as, as we're talking and getting into this. You know, I think of all the men who are listening, and not every man who is listening will be a father, but every man who is listening has a father. And we've talked about different ways. You have a legacy of faith, a father who loved you, who came to know Christ later in his life. And it's beautiful to see that legacy of faith starting with just two generations. And I have very, a very difficult, you know, family history with a lot of generational brokenness. And I'm sure there are people who do as well. What would you say to those men who maybe are carrying father wounds, who are thinking, you know, I wish that my father had been intentional. I wish that my father had done things differently. What would you say to those men? As we start this conversation really talking about generational legacy of fatherhood,
Jeff Hamilton: I think there's a really interesting scripture where the, Apostle Paul is speaking to this kind of principle. And he says, you know, your earthly fathers did what they thought was best and was. You talked about, like so many men, parent from instinct. And generations before us were really ill equipped. They were equipped for work, they were equipped for war. They were equipped by the circumstances that shaped their lives. And whenever there is pain in our lives, we find ways to both, both medicate those things. And unfortunately, it has these unintended consequences on the most significant relationships in our life. The biggest thing that I would encourage men, and in fact, one of the early chapters in dad Academy, helps men process their relationship with their, family of origin, with their parents. That may be some of the things that are hindering them from being the man that God's discovered, designed them to be. And so as a man is able to reconcile those things and trust God with his ability to redeem those places, to reconcile those conflicts that we live with internally, we begin to see that there's a new pathway for health and for wholeness in our lives. The very idea of salvation is the Idea of not just being rescued, but of, being restored and being put, to put back together for our lives to be reintegrated. And that's my desire to see men in our community, in our nation. And even as I have the privilege of ministering around the world and working with different organizations, if we can fix, and help see men healed, I really believe that that's one of the keys that will bring about, the healing and the health of. Of all of our communities, of our neighborhoods, of our churches, of our schools, as men begin to trust their lives to their heavenly Father and allow him to bring some healing and some hope and a new vision for their life. Because just as my dad was able to discover a new vision and, and establish a new legacy, I believe that that's God's promise for every man
Dr. Jessica Peck: I love, that we serve a God who restores, who redeems, who renews. Absolutely. And there's so many stories of redemption in that. And, you know, when I look at those, the legacy of Father. So much of it, especially here in American culture, has been shaped by. Culture has been shaped by kind of what is the generational playbook of how we respond at the time. And you talked about the greatest generation being stoic, but not talking about your feelings. That's where we get messages like boys to cry and men don't cry and. And things like that. And we pass those messages down without being intentional of mapping them back to what is the game plan that God has given us in his word for being fathers. And, you know, Jeff, I think this is one of the challenging things. And when we come back, we're already up here against our first break. I can't believe it's going so fast, but you tell a really great story and actually, in just about a minute before the break, give them a preview of you working at a coffee shop and having a revelation about the training you got there versus the training you got for fathers. And then we'll dive into that when we come back.
Jeff Hamilton: Yeah, when I was planting a church back in early, 2000s, one of the best ways to connect with the community is to be out in the community. And so I was working at a coffee shop, and that particular chain made me go through 40 hours.
Dr. Jessica Peck: That's amazing.
Jeff Hamilton: Training about culture and about what they were trying to accomplish and about. It was less about coffee than it was about culture. This is who we are. Before I was allowed, before they felt that I was equipped to press the automatic brew button on the machine, in their store. Right. I didn't even have to measure coffee. And yet, on March 1, 1996, like you, we, were just handed a baby. And, I wanted to have guys have some kind of orientation because I believe that men are most successful when they know what is expected of them and have a plan to accomplish it. And it's never more true than in the opportunity to be a great dad.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, I couldn't have said it better myself. And we will be back talking more with Jeff about dad Academy and how do we rewrite that playbook of, dad Academy. You should get a copy of the book. We'll tell you how to connect with Jeff and we'll look more at that fatherhood legacy when we come back. Don't go away. We'll be right back after this break. Candace talks about finding out she was pregnant. Thankfully, an ultrasound provided by preborn allowed her to hear her baby's heartbeat. The sonogram sealed the deal for me. My baby was like this tiny little spectrum of hope, and I saw his heart beating on the screen and knowing that there's life growing inside, I mean, that sonogram changed my life. I went from just Candace to mom. Thank you. To everybody that has given these gifts. You guys are giving more than money. You guys are giving love. Preborn currently has clinics that do not have ultrasound machines. Would you consider a leadership gift and sponsor a machine today? These life Saving machines cost $15,000: more than most centers can afford. Your donation will save countless lives for years to come. Dial pound250 and say the keyword baby or go to preborn.com/AFR Dream Small by Josh Wilson It's a mama singing songs about the Lord It's a daddy spending family time the world says he cannot afford. These simple moments change the world It's a pastor at a tiny little church 40 years of loving on the broken and the hurt these simple moments change the world Dream small Don't buy the lie you've gotta do it all Just let Jesus use you where you are One day at a time. Live well. Loving God and others as yourself Find little ways where only you can help with with his great love. A tiny rock can make a giant
Dr. Jessica Peck: fall Dream small welcome back, friends. That's dream small. By Josh Wilson.
Jeff Hamilton is the founder of dad Academy which helps dads raise confident kids
An encouraging message for dads Today I'm here with Jeff Hamilton, author and founder of dad Academy. He's written a book called the same dad Academy Raising Courageous, Capable, confident Kids. And as he says, there's only one role that most men will carry for a lifetime and that is father. But as the saying goes, being a father doesn't automatically make you a dad. There's no school that trains a man for the responsibility and privilege of becoming the most influential person in someone else's life. And that is where Jeff has created dad Academy. And we know that men tend to thrive when expectations are clear, when the path forward is defined. And it's hard when we're handed a generational playbook that may have some missteps in it, may have some plays that need to be thrown out, revised, rewritten. And as Jeff says, fatherhood is often driven by good intentions instead of intentional plans. And the result is exhaustion, uncertainty, and this quiet guilt that a lot of dads carry, wondering, am, I messing up my kids for life? But are not talking about that. Research from the national center for Fatherhood shows children who feel emotionally connected to their dads have greater confidence, they're more resilient, they can problem solve better, and they have better long term relational health. But these kinds of connections don't happen by accident, happens by design. And that's where we're bringing dad Academy to you today.
Dr. Jessica Peck: fatherhood is the one role that men step into without a plan
And Jeff, before the break you were talking about, it really is sobering to think that you spent a whole week learning about a coffee company's culture, and yet dads rarely show the same intention, often because you just don't have a plan, don't have that playbook set out for you. Why do you think it is that fatherhood is the one role that men step into without a plan?
Jeff Hamilton: I just don't know that we ever think about parenting in those kind of terms. as you mentioned earlier that a lot of, a lot of parenting is instinctual, right? And it seems to be that for moms it comes a little bit more natural. Or at least, at least that's the stereotype, right? That, that nurturing instinct, we even use that word, right? That mothering instinct comes. And yet dads don't often trust their own, their own gut when it comes to doing what is best for their parents. And so doing what's best for their children. And so a lot of times dads either reactive. I don't want to be, and I don't want to repeat some of the things that I experienced when really, or, or the, or the best that they do is to be responsive. Oh, I, I can, I, I, I have recognized a moment here that I can make a deposit. But I think if we had an overriding principle that allowed us to have some rails to run on for our Parenting, it gives dads a lot more confidence. But also I think the thing that gives dads more confidence is knowing that they're not doing it alone. It sounds funny, but we asked about why did I write dad Academy is because after 30 years of pastoral ministry, 35 years, 40 years of being around the church, what I really began to understand is that men go through life oftentimes alone. We might share some hobbies or some relationships. And dad Academy is really an excuse to get guys in a room talking about the most important things in their life. And the, community, the bonding that I'm not in this alone. I'm not. The fears that I carry or the concerns that I carry are not just unique to me. Then knowing that we're not alone in this journey is also something that allows you to attack parenting with a lot more confidence. And that confidence then allows us to be able to think out of the box and be more strategic and purposeful in our parenting. So we just want to come up with a simple way for guys to do two things. One, connect to other men in this journey of fathering, and number two, to give them some rails to run on that they can be confident in accomplishing what God's asked them, them to do in fulfilling their mission of preparing their kids for life.
Jeff Hamilton: Men often withdraw and isolate when they are feeling challenged
Dr. Jessica Peck: I'm so glad you brought this up about connecting in community, because, you know, as a mom, myself, Jeff, I mean, I think my kids are now almost all grown. We're almost to that empty nester stage. And I can think, I can't even begin to think actually, of the hundreds of hours, probably thousands of hours I spent dissecting my mothering journey in community, whether that's in a Bible study, in a mom's group, mom, mothers of preschoolers. I mean, moms in prayer. I think about just even the friendships that I have. My sister, who I will call and say, okay, I'm feeling really insecure. I feel like my daughter doesn't like me in this stage of life. What am I doing wrong? And we will talk about it for hours. Dads don't do that. And even, you know, my husband, I can look at him talking with his friends. They might talk about what their kids are doing. They might have an activity, they might share a struggle, but they're certainly not going to say, okay, let me tell you my deepest, darkest fears about insecurities about being a dad. It just doesn't happen. So where do you see the need for that? And how do you even begin to step into that? Because that is Something that's not as natural, that's not as intuitive for dads.
Jeff Hamilton: You know, you described it well that women, the, the conversation that we have is that women communicate knee, to knee or nose to nose, right face to face. But men communicate kind of shoulder to shoulder. When there's kind of a task or there's kind of a, some kind of thing that allows them to be visually, diverted, it somehow it opens up their, opens up their heart. And I've done a lot of work in the men's ministry space. For any pastors that are listening, I would tell them you don't need a men's ministry, you need a men's strategy to be able to disciple men. Even if we looked at Jesus's own journey, not to be, gender defined or restrictive to this, but notice that he put 12 men in a journey together where they were learning and challenging and growing from one another as they were being mentored and shaped by the Savior. I think we need to create spaces for men to be able to share that journey over a period of time that not only begins to build a network. One of the things that is challenging in a man's life is that in the area of Southern California where I reside, the number two killer between men of 35 and 65 years old after heart disease is self harmed. And a lot of times it happens near the end of a man's career, they may not have achieved what they wanted to do. We understand the divorce rate and the failure of relationships and the impact that divorce has on, on a man and in his parenting style. We understand, that men tend, when they're under pressure or when they are feeling challenged, that instead of pressing into community, they withdraw and isolate. And when you get disconnected from your purpose and when you get disconnected relationally, then a man's conclusion in that isolation is that probably everybody is better off without me. I think even sometimes that affects a man's parenting. Why he withdraws because he feels insecure about, about what he's doing. So he isolates himself and just tries to provide what the only thing that he feels that he could provide. The statistics that we were reading earlier, which hold true across the board, are not things that he initially processes to make sure that he stays in the game and engaged. And so it's really important that we create these kind of spaces and without trying to reaffirm or re. Inject some paternalistic, imposition of societal standards. What I really do believe the thing that's going to really Heal our nation because it's prophesied in the last book of the Old Testament. I'm somebody who really thinks that first things and last things are really, really important. The prophet Malachi is speaking to the Nehemiah generation. What more manly, manly example is, you know, then the book of Nehemiah, Sword in one hand and a trowel in the other, and know who's got your back and fighting for your family. And to that generation, Malachi speaks these words. The thing to watch for, for the coming of the kingdom of God is not all of these, things that we would identify as revival. He says, here's what to look for. I'm going to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to the fathers, or else the land will be struck with a curse. It does feel like not just our nation, but our world is living under that curse of disengaged fathers. And what I believe is going to be something that is going to start to take place in our country and in our communities is a. What I'm calling a spirit of fatherhood. Because the book of James also says that true religion is caring for the orphans and the widows, keeping oneself undefiled from the world and in the orphans and the widows, who's missing from that picture like that? And so we're always going to need men who not only raise their own families well, but who are able to mentor and care for the people that get connected into their lives. You're mentioning, that, your house is often filled with college students on breaks and things like this. And think about the role that your husband plays in those kind of interactions, that if he is a trusted and, and dependable and cultivates relationships, there's something healing that he transmits even to the best of these young adults who have some footing, who have some confidence. There is something so powerful, not just about the way that mom creates a wonderful environment, whether it's cookies or making beds in those types of environments, that there's something, dad, about the, the jokes and the compliments and the, hugs that, that bring some healing into the places where people who are missing that, can begin to experience that. And so my biggest dream for dad Academy is not only that men would feel confident in their role as a father, but that we would have a sense of assignment that God's graced us to bring, a fatherhood that heals other, other men and heals our, communities and those who are connected relationally under our care. That we would see God's, kingdom really be established in our lives.
Jeff Hamilton's Dad Academy addresses insecurities that dads have about parenting
Dr. Jessica Peck: Oh, my goodness, Jeff, so much to unpack there. And, you know, you. But really, I feel like you struck a nerve there. You really went to the heart of a lot of the insecurities that dads have. A lot of the ways that they're feeling but not talking about and I think about what you're describing, and that is absolutely true. We had a house full of college boys over the holiday break, and my husband went out to the soccer field with them, and they made up some game called pass punt play. I'm probably saying it wrong. So, honey, if you're listening, I'm sorry. It was some sort of sports game with a ball and some, And these, you know, young men who are out there, some of them have fathers who have passed away. Some of them have fathers who are absent. And it's his instinct to. To do that, to be out there for them. And I think he knows, you know, the impact, what they're having. But there isn't so much a structured environment or an easy open to talk about that. And I think one of the things is really hard is that when we talk about, you know, how it's easy for me as a mom to talk about those things, a lot of those things happen because there is strategy in places, in churches to give us opportunity to do that, and there's not as much strategy for dads. And I've been reading a lot about feminization of church environments and how, you know, it does feel very soft. And. Let's talk about our feelings and. And you present such a different picture, Jeff, that Nehemiah with a trowel in one hand, a sword in the other. That's going to appeal to men. How can churches come alongside what you're doing at dad Academy to give that picture to lay the roadmap for that kind of strategy and that kind of vision.
Jeff Hamilton: Yeah. You know, I really never wanted this to be a, book, because here's what guys do. What's my background? Right. It's all books. Right. My library. I don't know what it is about pastors and lawyers that guys. To put all their stuff up for everybody to see, but guys will read a book and then put it on the shelf Dad Academy is meant to be something that is done in community, that, And is actually reviewed every single year. Could you imagine just setting a budget once for your lifetime, for your family, household?
Dr. Jessica Peck: No.
Jeff Hamilton: Right. But we understand that kids go through different stages in their lives. And your dad plan needs to be reviewed every single year because there's going to be new opportunities, there's going to be new milestones that take place, new things that you're going to have to have to confront that every new age and stage brings new responsibilities and new opportunities, to shape and your kids lives and with that their friends, with that their circles of other people who are going to be influencing of them. one of my privileges is to be friends with the Kendrick, brothers in this fatherhood space.
Dr. Jessica Peck: And an idea, I'm actually going to hold you right there because that sounds like a good story. We are definitely going to dive into that and talk about that when we come back. Time is flying because there's so much to talk about. Listen, check out dad Academy. It's by Jeff Hamilton. Raising courageous, capable, confident kids. Check out the book and the community and we'll have much more. Send this to a dad you know. We'll be right back after the break.
The AFR app is a powerful tool, but it does have limitations
Jeff Hamilton: The AFR app is a powerful tool, but it does have limitations. You can't use it to change the oil in your vehicle or get rid of carpet stains. It won't walk the dog, won't pick up the dry cleaning or take the kids to practice. But while you're doing those things, you can listen to your favorite AFR content through the app on your phone, smart device or Roku. Just go to your app store or visit afr.net Listen to AFR wherever you go with the AFR app. Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman She spins and she sways to whatever song plays without, a care in the world. And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders. It's been a long day and there's still work to do. She's pulling at me saying, dad, I need you. There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited and I need to practice my dancing. Oh, please, daddy, please. So I dance with Cinderella while she's here in my arms. Cause I know something the prince never knew. Oh, I dance with Cinderella. I don't want to miss even one song. 'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight. and she'll be gone.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That song is Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. And listen, I've got to apologize to all of you dads out there who are wiping tears away from your eyes as you're driving, as you're working, as you're going about your daily business. I know that song is so special to so many of you and especially those daddies who have daughters. And we're talking about the journey of fatherhood.
Jeff Hamilton is the author of dad Academy Raising Courageous, Capable, Confident Kids
Today I'm joined by Jeff Hamilton. He is the author of dad Academy Raising Courageous, Capable, Confident Kids. And Jeff, we are having such a great conversation. It's going by way too fast. I have so many questions. And you were just about to tell us about your friendship with the Kendrick brothers, who of course are such gifted filmmakers. I have cried more at the Kendrick brothers movies than any movies probably in my whole life. And you were just about to tell. Tell a, story about your interaction with them and their ministry. And of course they have produced, a documentary about fatherhood. And I'm going to let you pick it up right where we left it,
Jeff Hamilton: if I'm able to. I'm sitting here having just left my daughter, as I mentioned to you. I just got on a plane, came home, and now I'm m. You know, leave my 27 year old for the next three months or four months before we'll see her again. And Yeah, that was not. That was not.
Dr. Jessica Peck: That was not nice. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So you're gonna be getting on a plane right now. I'm sorry. We're just gonna let you go, so you can go right back. Yeah.
Jeff Hamilton: but it does, It reminds me like one of the things I'm praying for right now, even in my grown daughter's life, is that she doesn't need another dad, but she does need another man's presence in her life. She needs somebody that she can trust and that she can go to. I'm hoping that she finds it in her local church. She's been serving as a worship leader and is part ah, of a team there, but hasn't really connected. And you know, as a, as a dad, I can only provide so much covering for her. She's thousands of miles away and I've raised her well. She's a smart cookie, man. she's treat smart, she's academically smart, she's artistic and she's, super talented. But, she does tend to go through life without having another dependable, man that's present there who can provide some stability for. I'm not talking about a husband, I'm not even talking about somebody take my place, but, but somebody who she trusts that she can. Who can fill whatever voyage that she might feel from me being gone. And even though we have FaceTime and all those different things and that's really what the movie the Forge Was kind of about the Kendrick brothers, in their last release produced a movie called the Forge. It was about a group of men who would take in young men and create a space to mentor them in both individually and inside of a community. And it's such a powerful picture of how people who come into life with a gap, how men and fathers can step into those places. You know, I've even decided that while I have two great kids, I also have let's see, three nephews and two nieces. No, I have, have six nephews and two nieces. And some of them are married. My youngest is 12. But I want them to know, for whatever reason my, my nickname is Uncle Juicy and I want them to know. It's a long story but they all have nicknames too. But I want them to know that outside of their dad and their mom, that they have someone who is always on their team that is always going to root them on, that is always going to cheer them on. and so I intentionally have made a decision that every month at least I call even all my adult nieces and nephews because they just need to know that somebody's there for them, watching out for them. And so I think that is part of what I'm calling the spirit of fathering. That's one of the reasons why I coach high school athletics is that I know that in many young men's life that next to dad, coach is an important role model in their lives. And I just want men to be able to grow up with the confidence that that not only someone want to cheer them on, to become better, who will hold them accountable to their own dreams, into their own desires. it was really interesting that I'm an assistant coach and for a period of time my head coach, his brother was a long term NBA, player. He played my coach played overseas but grew up in a single family home, African American man and tells the story that the first time he ever heard I love you and was embraced was by me when he was 35 years old. And so many men live with that kind of gap. Well, we need men who are going to be confident in their roles of fathering that they're going to really be able to have the kind of impact. Robert, Dr. Robert Lewis, has written a number of books on both men's ministry and fatherhood space. And he says these three things that every child needs to hear from their dad. I love you, I'm proud of you and you're good at. And you, then you just fill in the blank because it tells the children that they're seen. But I'm telling you, every man, every man needs to hear that and that they need to because a man gravitates towards where he is affirmed. And there's not a lot of reward for being a great dad until your kids turn out great, Great. And that's why the community, the image of the forge, of finding a community that will equip you to help you fulfill your responsibilities as a father. and talk about the three responsibilities of a father is actually a worksheet that people can download at dad Academy is that your job is to protect their purity, affirm their identity and direct them to their destiny. And that academy is a tool that can help you accomplish that God sized vision where God has invited you and entrusted someone that he loves dearly to your care and supervision to be able to partner with him, to see his dreams and desires for their lives begin to emerge. And I don't think there's any greater joy, as a dad than to get to see that begin to happen and the people that God's entrusted to your care.
Dr. Jessica Peck: I love the vision that you are projecting of walking in community because godly parents do want other godly adults to come alongside them and to affirm those messages that you're giving, to know that, hey, this just isn't your dad saying this way out in left field. Nobody else is saying this. It's walking alongside that community that you're describing.
Jeff Hamilton: And you know, Jessica, you know, Jessica, that, that as you start to hit the teenage years, you stop parenting by yourself.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Absolutely right. You should.
Jeff Hamilton: There's lots of influences, whether it's social media now, kids are being impacted. They need other trusted adult voices in their lives who come alongside and affirm the values and the things that God is trying to shape in them through their parents. And that's why I think even a community. There was a wonderful movie a few years ago about a dad who was facing a terminal diagnosis. And so he invited five of his friends to become for his children what he called the Council of Dads. And that they were taking on the responsibility of overlooking his, children in his absence and bringing that kind of needed wisdom and voices. And I, think you and I, now that we're kind of at that back end of our parenting journey, have thought of the incredible voices, whether it's youth leaders or coaches or dance instructors or grandparents or aunts and uncle who play such a significant role in the development of our children to becoming who God's created them to be.
Dr. Jessica Peck: It requires some vulnerability to do that. Because kids talk and they might say something that you've done wrong, they might expose you for your failure. They will do that. But you know, Jeff, I have intentionally cultivated those voices in my kids lives, knowing that I have confidence in the relationship that I have with my kids that that relationship is going to be primary. And if there's something conflicting that we can talk about it. But to cultivate those voices is really important. And gosh, Jeff, there's so much more that we could talk about.
One of those voices that is most primary in the dad relationship is the mom's voice
But as our time is already winding down, I do want to ask you one last thing. Because one of those voices that is most primary in the dad relationship is the mom's voice. Now there should be some sort of female influence. If you're a single dad, you definitely need that mom influence in your life. But let's talk right now to the married couples. And you know, I think in, in my relationship, Jeff, my husband is actually a real life rocket scientist and he will tell our kids, I am genetically wired to hurt your feelings. Your mom is there to fix it. And we've had that kind of balance in that way because I'm a nurse, I'm more nurturing, I'm a woman. But that can be a point of tension because I know even in, in my own re, you know, relationship with my husband, like I'll say, oh, don't be so hard on them. He no, you've gotta be hard on them. There's that tension, that push and that really is God designed. But what do you, what words of wisdom do you give to men to inviting that influence from their wives while at the same time, you know, I would say to the wives, letting dads be dads at the same time, it's such a hard tension to navigate.
Jeff Hamilton: Well, I think the thing that makes it even more increasingly difficult is. Well, hopefully many of your listeners, are families that have, have been around from birth through the raising of their kids. We know that more than 50% of family home relationships are blended families. And now that just doubles a responsibility. But a dad needs to understand his relationship with his kid's mom, whether it is or isn't his wife, that that's a primary responsibility that he has in the development of his kids lives, that his kids need to see that, as a dad, that you respect their mom, that you respect their, that you respect your wife, that you really do see yourself not as competitors, but as partners. Who complement each other as dads develop courage and competence and confidence in their lives, kid, in their kids lives, that moms bring comfort and cooperation and compassion and that those two things a, dovetail in a way to give a child all of the tools that are necessary both to become who God's designed them to be and to relate to others around them in a way that creates for healthy relationships down the road. And they'll learn those healthy relationships how to navigate those three, navigate those things through the way that dad relates to mom.
Jeff Hamilton's dad Academy helps dads rethink how they want to live
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, there's so many, like I said, there's so many more things that we could talk about. But tell me Jeff, I know you have so many success stories for the dad Academy. Is there a story that you'd like to share that stands out, that can speak to hope of transformation, that can be what, what those dads are really longing to be. Can you share with us an encouraging story?
Jeff Hamilton: Sure. Two quick ones. One, there was a group of guys who were meeting at a church, and the secret sauce to dad Academy is actually grandpa's. And because now they don't have the responsibility to provide, to pay the bills, to discipline, they just get the opportunity to invest and they can begin to rethink the legacy that they want to live. And so I encourage a lot of men to pick up dad Academy to be in a dad Academy group who've already raised their kids for two reasons. Reasons one, they get to rethink how they want or what is the legacy that they want to live. But also they get to stand in the gap. We had a young man that was just released from prison and was invited to be in the dad Academy group. And as we talked in chapter two about your family of origin, he's like, I didn't have any of this. I have no idea what to do. I don't, I don't, I don't, I, I, I, I feel like a failure already going into this. And one of the grandfathers got up and asked that young man to stand and said, would you mind if I just gave you a hug? And he just gave him m a hug. He said, I'm proud of you and I'm going to go on this journey with you. And to this day they are still connected. And that grandfather has become a surrogate grandpa in this young man's life while he's even still making mistakes.
Dr. Jessica Peck: That's amazing. and it's so unfair because you said you were going to, to give us two stories. We only have time for one. And as Richard on my team always says, radio is so rude. It is cutting us off right at the good part of the conversation. Listen, we we I think that there are more conversations to come and if you want to learn more, check out dad Academy. The book is called Raising Courageous, Capable Confident Kids by Jeff Hamilton. And wherever you are in that journey, I pray the Lord will bless you and and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. I'll see you right here next time.
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Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
