Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound250 and say the keyword baby or visit preborn.com/AFR Candace talks
: about finding out she was pregnant. Thankfully, an ultrasound provided by preborn allowed her to hear her baby's heartbeat. The sonogram sealed the deal for me. My baby was like this tiny little spectrum of hope and I saw his heart beating on the screen and knowing that there's life growing inside, I mean, that sonogram changed my life. I went from just Candace to mom. Thank you to everybody that has given these gifts. You guys are giving more than money. You guys are giving love.
: Preborn currently has clinics that do not have ultrasound machines. Would you consider a leadership gift and sponsor a machine Today? These life Saving machines cost $15,000 more than most centers can afford. Your donation will save countless lives for years to come. Dial pound250 and say the keyword baby or go to preborn.com/AFR hello and welcome to the Doctor Nursemama Show Prescribing Hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite time of day. I love getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for healthy families. And I got to do just that this last weekend actually I was speaking at a group at a church. I spoke at a church for a group of parents who were there for an event to really invest in their kids. So the kids had their own series, the parents had their own series. the event was called Guard the heart and we were talking about guarding your kids heart. And actually from that I really felt like, hey, I need to share that what I prepared for them with you too. So I want you to be on the lookout for a series that I'm working on for you right now called Guard the heart and we'll air that sometime in the future where I talk about the importance of healthy relationships. So often in today's culture, we get so distracted by the things that scare us to death and there are plenty of them. And we think about all the threats at that from culture, all of the safety threats, all of the relational threats, the rising Influence of AI, the potential for violence. I mean, all of these things just make us feel like, oh, what kind of world are we living in? And the answer is a broken world. And sometimes we feel like we just want to control the situation, so we try to become experts in that subject. Like, I'm going to know everything there is to know about this so that this threat cannot come and get my child. And those things are really important. We need to be the most staunch protectors that we can possibly be. We need to make sure that we are shielding our kids from everything that we possibly can while also preparing them for the realities of navigating today's cultural currents. And that's the parenting style, really, that I'll talk about in the Guard the Heart series, which is the lighthouse parenting style. And that's what I shared with with these parents over the weekend and really helped them build relationship skills because I am convinced that there is nothing that we can't handle together. In the context of strong, healthy family relationships, especially those relationships between parents and child and children, parent and child, we that the most significant predictor of resilience when overcoming adversity in childhood, which all children will experience some sort of hardship, some little, some major. We know that the number one predictor is meaningful connection to an invested adult in their life in the context of a healthy relationship. And the awesome thing is that moms and dads, you get to choose if that person is going to be you. You get to step in to your child's space and to be that safe place for them in world that feels very unsafe. And so if we can have conversation about some of those things, then I think some of those things come easier to be able to talk about. And when our kids encounter something they're not sure about, they're more likely to come to us. And especially if we're on an offensive strategy, we are leading the charge. We're not just reacting to every threat that comes in our home. We're anticipating them. We're preparing our kids for them in a developmentally appropriate way that signals that, hey, I am invested. I know about these things that are going on in the world. You can come to me. I am a safe place to come. Those are all the things that we'll talk about and Guard the Heart. But as part of this event, parents were able to submit cards to ask me questions. And I have a stack of those and some of those that I have pulled out because I thought if these parents at this event had these questions that are just burning on their Hearts, then I bet a lot of parents out there listening too, and grandparents and any other people who are invested in an adult's life. I think you know too, even young people listening. It's good to know what's on the hearts of parents, to know that there are so many parents whose heart is for their kid. And they may feel like, I'm really not sure about how to tackle this, but wow, I really want to do it well. I really, really want to. And I recognize that I'm a human, I recognize that I'm imperfect, but I really want to guard that well. So with that, let's just jump in and look at some of these questions. I mean, there's, there's really so many here, but this is the first one. Are you ready? Okay. It says, what does privacy look like while still monitoring and being involved both socially, in person and online. I get this question a lot, actually. This is a really great question because it means, hey, I want to be involved in my kids life. I want to be present, I want to be vigilant for any threats that can come that way. But I recognize that there's, I, can't just have control. And this is a difference between, this is the difference between policing your child's relationship and providing safety and guardrails. That's really what it is. One is about control, controlling behavior, and one is about equipping and equipping them for a mindset, setting them up for success. So really different intention. And I'm telling you, I think that comes across to kids when they know that we're just in all of their stuff because we're trying to find something. We're trying to assuage our insecurities or worries or anxieties or what if. Or make sure that you're not involved in this. And, and a lot of that comes from a good place, but sometimes it's driven by a motivation of fear. And our fear is we are afraid that something is going to come in and derail our kids. And we don't want that to happen. We see the best in them, we believe the best of them. And when we see that negative force coming in and we see the consequences that maybe they don't, we have fear in that way, but our kids pick up on. And what they perceive is that we are trying to control their behavior. Now here's where you have to do an honest gut check and say, okay, am I just trying to control their behavior? Make sure that I look at their room and I don't find Any vapes or any substances. I mean, that can sound really severe. Or I'm just looking at their room to make sure they picked everything up and that they're not texting anybody, I don't know, and then they're not posting anything online. But if you're trying to control their behavior, to tell you, give you an immediate feedback, feedback loop, to say, hey, I'm a great parent because my kids are making great choices that we've missed the heart of the matter, literally and figuratively. So it's all about the heart. Now, if you flip that paradigm and you approach it not from a policing standpoint, not from a, immediate behavioral standpoint, like I'm going to police your behavior, but I'm going to guard your heart. And to do that, I'm going to put some guardrails in place for you. I'm going to put some support systems and structures, not limitations, really, because we're going to put boundaries up so that you can have full freedom within those boundaries. That's the important thing. So, for example, if you're looking at what they're involved in online, you're going to say, okay, here's the boundaries for your phone use. Here are the rules of engagement. Here are all the ways that you are able and free to use this phone. You can text, you can do whatever that is that your family is setting up, whatever those specific boundaries are, and then it becomes not okay. Well, you can only text, you can only use this, do use this, don't use that. It's here is what you're able to do. And here are the safeguards, the guardrails that I have put in place to make sure that you stay safe. And some of those guardrails may be accountability through periodic monitoring. Now, sometimes that may be a technological tool that you use. Now when I say to my kids, and they would definitely, definitely quote me back on this, and not with a lot of affection, but with begrudging respect, I think they would say, my mom says I pay. I say, so if I am paying for their technology, then that technology is mine that they are using, that I'm lending to them under certain expectations and responsibilities. So I make it very normal just to have very organic checks. Now, at times I've used technology tools to help with that, especially as kids are learning. It's like you need training wheels because sometimes we can't anticipate what they might encounter online, that I'm going to be using, the platforms that they are using. That's going to increase my ability to be able to anticipate risk or threat. So if I see a trend on social media and they're on that platform, I'm going to see it. Maybe at the same time they are. That's way that I'm going to be involved and monitoring their environment while not policing their specific actions. It's also organic in that I'll say, okay, hand over your phone to me. I'm going to do a phone check. Time for a phone check. Just almost like a pop quiz. You know when you were in school and the teacher was saying, pop quiz, did the class go, oh, yay, here we go? No, they didn't. They're like, oh, they groan, but they do it. And that's the same thing with the phone check. So I'd say phone check. And I would look at it with the realization that kids are way smarter than we are in technology. And of course they're always going to be able to hide things from you. Not because they're malicious, not because they are trying to be sinful. A lot of the time that's just poor decision making where they're thinking, okay, well, you don't really understand what it's really like. Like, because we don't really talk about this and this is what it's like to be in the world. So this is what you're helping me navigate and this is what I'm going to handle on my own. Because this is for young people. You don't understand. So if you find they've hidden something, don't freak out and say, oh my gosh, how could you do this? You've broken my trust. What were you thinking? Just stop and say, okay, this is why we have guardrails in place. Here's why. This is not okay. Here are the dangers that are there and here are the additional guardrails that we're going to put in to make sure you're protected and safe. Not, you're grounded for life. Here's your punishment. It really is about discipline, which has such a more positive intention. Discipline is about training and that is important. We want to train kids to be able to handle their own digital footprint, to be able to handle themselves online. So that's really important. Now when I do these phone checks, I'll look through and see, you know, what kind of pictures are they taking. That's interesting to me because what's capturing your attention? Who, what friends are appearing on your friend role. But, you know, what happens is a lot of times my kids will look at me and say, well, Can I look at your phone? And you know what I say yes, absolutely you can. Here, go ahead, look at my phone. And I want to make sure that my kids don't have that I don't have anything that I'm hiding from them. Obviously there's going to be some situations there. There may be some confidential things, but for the most part I'm an open book. They want to know what am I looking at on social media, what what is on my for you page, what is in my text messages, who am I texting and who am I emailing. They may look at my screen time and see what is mom spending her screen time on. And that kind of mutual accountability is beautiful and it's healthy. And of course kids have to be respectful in that. But modeling that kind of transparency also gives another level of accountability in the house. And so I think those things are really helpful when we're looking at the difference between really policing and safeguarding. One is punitive in nature with a goal of punishment, and one is positive in nature with a goal of teaching and correcting and rebuking and training in righteousness. Much like the word of God, when we're using the word of God to teach and train our kids. So I am not a fan of overly relying on tech solutions. I think they're very helpful tools, but they are most helpful when they are in the context of a relationship. And it's the same even in person. When your kids are with their friends, invest in their friends, they want to talk to adults. Actually sometimes they just don't know how to do that. They just be the house where it's the place to hang out. One of the things that I did with my kids that was really successful was I told them they did not need to ask permission to have anyone over. They could always say our doors were open unless I told them in advance, like this is a blackout period and we can't have anybody over for whatever reason. But I'd say you can always offer up our house because usually they'll start texting, whose house can we go to? And if mine is the first there, then great, then kids come over and really all they want is a safe place to hang out.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Probably some food too. Like if you put some snacks in at 9 o' clock at night like you are, they're gonna come, you feed them and they will come. And then invest in them. They love being, they love having someone interested them. Ask them how's their school year going. Ask them what they're looking forward to this year, Ask them what they're struggling with and just be there. Get to know their friends and be a healthy adult who is present but not enmeshed. Those things are really, really helpful. This was a. And the question that I'm going to answer next. We're coming up on our next break, but I think I'm just shuffling these and deciding on the spot. I think what I'll answer next is this one. Okay, this is. This is your teaser for the next segment. How do you counter people of authority, such as medical professionals who are pushing agendas? My son's doctor likes to ask his parents to leave the room. My son will tell them no, but what if he didn't? Well, I, as you can imagine, have a lot to say about this as a healthcare professional. What are the healthy boundaries that are there? When should you leave the room? When should you not leave the room? How do we equip our kids to be able to handle that with both grace and truth? That is what I am going to answer on the way back. And it seems like, Mic, I don't know if you hear this or not. We may be having some m. Technical issues, but that's okay. We're just gonna work right through those. So those are the questions. But if you want to know some other questions that people asked. How do we validate feelings that are invalid? That is such a valid question. How do we validate feelings when we think you don't need to feel this way? And how do I get my spouse to be more open engaging with kids? If. If these are questions that relate. That you relate to, come on back and I'll provide these answers on, this special edition of Ask doctor nursemama. See you on the break. Hello, I'm Jessica peck, host of Dr. Nursemama. Did you know that this content is listener supported? Without people like you, this podcast would not exist. And that's why we need you. A generous monthly gift of any amount will help sustain American Family Radio and specifically this podcast. Please consider becoming a monthly financial partner today by visiting afr.net/give that's afr.net/give
Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham: To breathe the air of heaven where pain is gone and mercy fills the streets. To look upon the one who pledges Save me and walk with him for all eternity. There will be a day when all will bow before him. There will be a day when death will be no more. Standing face to face with he who died and rose again. Holy, holy is with the Lord.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham. And I was just sharing with my team. I had a lot of driving this last week and I did listen to all of Phil Wickham's Christmas albums. Yes I did. I just said that in the middle of September. I know now you're probably not going to take any advice that I give you seriously from here on out, but today really I'm giving you a special edition of Ask doctor Nurse Mama where I'm just giving you some general guidance about common issues that parents are facing. These are questions that I got from a parent event this weekend. They wrote these questions on index cards and like I said, I thought if the, these parents have these questions, parents everywhere have the same burning questions on their minds. And I want to share with you some things that I shared with them. And so this question, as I said that I was going to answer is this, this fear of what's going to happen when I take my kid into a health care provider and they're going to tell them something that is contrary to my beliefs and values. So as you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts about this. And so let's, let's break it down a little bit because there's a lot of different things going on here. First of all we, what I see is a lot of parents who have a lot of legitimate concerns about what are healthcare professionals telling their kids, what are teachers telling their kids, what are other people of authority telling their kids and they're fighting for their parental rights in the parent, in the public square, as they should. And we're seeing this play out in state legislation and federal legislation and school board meetings, all of those things. And we should absolutely have parents present at those places. But I also say be careful not to give away the influence that you have at home. Sometimes we just overlook that we're worried about what the teacher's going to say or healthcare professional. But we, we don't realize the influencers that are streaming into our kids homes via YouTube and streaming services and social media that have hours and hours and hours of access to our kids and what I call vicarious credibility where you know, oh so and so is following them. So that must mean they're credible rather than looking at them and evaluating that source of information from a biblical worldview and to make sure that it is aligned with biblical truth. And so I want to make sure that we have that both. And because when I see parents fear of a 10 minute encounter with a healthcare professional, yeah, there's right to be vigilant. There, there's right to be aware there. But I also am concerned about the hours and hours of influencers that they may be consuming. Maybe without us even realizing it, we think, oh, they're watching kids shows or they're just watching reels or those kinds of things. So let's make sure that we're protecting our authority and influence at home as well as out in the public square. So that's first bit of perspective that I have for you. The second one is that research is clear that even though it doesn't feel like it, especially when your kids get to be teenagers, the primary influencer of children is their parents. They care more about what their parents think. And when they have a healthy relationship, in the context of a healthy relationship, they care more about that than their peers. Now when that peer influence starts to increase, that's in about early adolescence. And this makes such perfect sense because their brain's not fully developed, they're driven by emotion and that means a need to belong, a need to have identity, a need for connection and attention. But as they grow and their ability to be more rational grows, that's usually when they start to wrestle with their faith, make it their own. And most kids who have a healthy relationship with their parents will adopt their parents worldview and values. So that's really important to know and that's something that can give you confidence that it would be very unlikely that a healthcare professional could undo all of that in a 10 minute encounter. Here's another thing to think about. It's so important for you to have a relationship with a primary care provider, someone that you know because you're literally trusting them with your life, you're trusting them with your children's lives. And in this day of fragmented healthcare, it's really increasingly common to see people that you don't know. You may be seeing a healthcare provider that you've never seen before. And that if they're asking for time alone, alone, that is awkward, that is really like that, that can be really an awkward thing to navigate. But if you're going in for regular checkups, as everybody should, and you know your healthcare provider and you know they're aligned with or at least the very least respectful of your worldview, and they are, they're incorporating that with you and they are working with you and respecting the way that you want to raise your kids, then it's going to be much easier to leave them alone with a healthcare provider if you know that and you trust them. And it's in the context of routine, well care. So that's something to think about. Now the other thing to think about is that for me, from a technical perspective, it's really important that as our kids get to be teenagers, that we teach them to be responsible for their own health. Because I can't tell you how many teenagers and college kids I've seen who have never been to a health appointment by themselves. And all of a sudden they have such anxiety because they are navigating this by themselves and they're FaceTiming their parent, which that's fine because. But, you know, really just I want them to have, confidence. And so I have patients who will answer questions like, if they're filling out a healthcare form, who do you want us to call in case of emergency? And when they say 911 and they don't know who their emergency medical contact is, that can actually be an issue. I want kids to know if they're allergic to any medications. I don't want them to have to call their mom and say, do I have both of my kidneys? And to answer all of the questions that they have, they need to know their past medical history because they may be in a situation where you're not there. They may have a medical emergency at school or something like that. But even so, being able to transfer that and to know this is my health history. One of the things that we talked about on our declutter diaries actually with Kathi Lipp, was having a one pager for each family member so that they just know and, and give this to your teenage kids. Like, here's your health history. Here's the things that you're allergic to, here's the things you can't have, here's things that a healthcare provider might need to know in your past medical history. Those things are really important. So think about that. Regardless of whether you're deciding to let a healthcare professional talk to your child alone or not, think about ways in which you can prepare them to take over their own healthcare so that when they do become adults, they enter the workforce, they go into college, they're confident in being able to navigate their health needs, and they know what they have. So that's another thing to think about. Another thing to think about from a technical perspective is as kids get older, sometimes it's just embarrassing to have your mom or your dad in the room if you're getting an exam. So if your kid is comfortable with their healthcare provider and you are comfortable with their healthcare provider, sometimes just stepping outside for a few minutes is a way to spare their dignity and an experience that they already think is like the most embarrassing thing ever. But it's a great opportunity to have a conversation about abuse prevention, to tell them in what context it's okay, what their rights are, even in a healthcare provider situation for them to say, to refuse an exam, to refuse a specific part of an exam, to refuse to answer a question, what are their rights? What can they say? What. And they, they still maintain autonomy over their body. And that's a good time just to talk about body safety and body boundaries. And I've covered that and other shows. I covered that recently on a Friday show, so you can listen to that. So those are things to think about. Another thing to think about about why healthcare professionals would want to do this is sadly, the truth is there are some kids who are being abused. Child abuse has been increasing since COVID And sometimes it's hard to know, especially if we don't know family really well and you're seeing somebody for the first time. Sometimes kids will make an outcry of abuse. Now sometimes that abuse is happening at home and sometimes it's happening somewhere else. But they just feel so much fear and they don't know when and how to make an outcry. But sometimes just by the nature of that healthcare encounter, they may make an outcry there. And so that's another opportunity to have to have those questions by yourself. And sometimes you know how healthcare kids will tell healthcare professionals things that they wouldn't tell you. They might tell me about a risk taking behavior that they're having. They might tell me that they did experiment with drinking and they didn't tell you that. Now why, why is this important to think about? Well, it's not because they're trying to hide it from you. It's because they don't care as much about what I think of them. And it might be a safe place where they can float that out there and say, you know, yeah, here, here's what's going on and I'm going to gauge your response. Like, would my parents parents totally freak out? Is this really wrong? Or like, what can I do? But again, if you know that healthcare provider and you know that they know the boundaries of what your your parent, parental relationship are, the best healthcare providers are going to encourage disclosure to parents and bring the parents in. I've had this happen so many times when kids will tell me something, they'll disclose a risk taking behavior or a concern that they have. And I always ask them, would you like me to help you talk to your parents about this and I'll tell them, you know, your parents have to know this. Would you like for me to help you talk to your parents? And I have very, very rarely have a kid say no. Most of the time it's like, ah, a weight falls off their shoulder. Yes, yes, let's talk about this. And that can be a celebration really of early disclosure of something that came out early so that we have an opportunity for early intervention. There are better outcomes with early intervention from a brain health perspective, from a physical perspective, from every holistic health measure that you have now. When you. So, considering all of those factors, let's, let's put all of those complexities onto this. When you have a healthcare provider who asks you if you want to leave, if you don't feel comfortable in leaving, leaving, it's absolutely your right to say that you want to stay. And it may be something that you talk to your child about, you know, it may be something that you talk to the healthcare provider and say, I want to know exactly what you're going to ask and how you're going to ask it. And then I'll decide if I can or I want to be here for this first time. And then maybe I'll think about that. So much of it has to do with the context of the relationship. You're going to have a much harder time doing that with a stranger than somebody that you know and trust, who knows your kid and knows your family. Family and sees you all the time. That's, that's there. But for me, I think it's also a great opportunity for my kids to share their values and to share and to say, yeah, here I'm going to be asked these questions and it's okay to say, I'm not comfortable answering that. It's okay to say, I want my mom to come back in here. I want my dad to come back in here. Really empowering our kids to have autonomy is a really important thing.
Dr. Jessica Peck: But sometimes it can be easier to talk about things that are just embarrassing, some things that are just critical for just normal physiological health. I'm talking about issues of puberty and things like that. And sometimes it's just, it's just a painfully awkward point in life, you know, where parents are trying to have those conversations. And I have yet to meet a parent who said, oh yeah, I talked with my child about it. We enjoy talking about it. It's so easy. I mean, it just comes naturally. And my kid thanks me all time for having talks about how their Body is changing. Like it's just, it is tough and so lean into that. And that goes with one of the other questions actually that was, that was asked in here. Let me, let me switch here. Oh, and by the way, before I finish that, make sure that you know what your legal rights are in your state because that is a rapidly evolving landscape and something that's more complex than what I can address in just this time. But know what your rights are so that, that way you can know to assert those if you need to. And also what to do if, though if, if there's a lack of those rights. What would you do in that situation? What resources would you have? What recourse would you have? That would be really important to look at your state laws and see what it is. But one of the questions, that that was asked was how can or should adults in Christian teens life. These are all handwritten. So excuse me here for grandparents, aunts, how can apply biblical parental styles and conversations when the parent does not have a biblical approach or isn't a Christian? So this is basically saying if you have other adults in a, in a kid's life, like talking points and, and having like the, this teen is spending time with people who, with adults around her. That's basically where this question is going. There's some more context here, so let me clarify and start again. So you have a teenager who's spending time with adults and their life who do not share your biblical worldview. Now sometimes that can happen in the context of divorce, sometimes that can happen in the context of competitive sports or community activities where they have a coach or a teacher or school or something like that. So what do you do about that when you have other voices in here? Well, this is what I have to say to this. I think it's very important, for us to not only be on guard for potentially con, conflicting worldviews, conflicting or negative influences that might come into our kids lives, we need to intentionally cultivate adults around them who will stand up for that biblical worldview, who will affirm what we're teaching them at home. And so often I think as parents we don't take the time to do that. We don't think who are the people in my kid's life who will do this? I think there's actually five. One is that healthcare provider. That's who I talked to you about already. Someone who is trusted, who is vetted. And you may have to spend some time, taking time to do that, to find somebody to say okay, this person we will trust with our healthcare partnership and decisions. One is a healthcare provider. The second is an intercessor. Does your kid know someone who prays for them? I've shared this before. My kids know their grandfather will pray for them at the drop of a hat. They, they can text him at any time. They. And no questions asked. Just, yep, I'm going to pray. And they know they'll appear in his prayer journal. They know his name. Their names will be coming from his lips while he is kneeling at his bed in his prayer time. They know that he will pray for them. They need an intercessor. They also need, someone who's in the same boat. So is your kid going through a divorce? Are you part of a military family that relocates often to. You could have a chronic illness that they're having to deal with? They need someone who understands where they are. They also need a wise counselor. Now, that doesn't necessarily have to be professional, but who in their life can they count on to go to tell them the truth, even when it's tough? And the last one is just that ride or die. That person, that friend who, that adult who says, I love you no matter what, you can do no wrong in my eyes. I will cheer you on all the time. Cultivating these people around your kids will help strengthen that worldview. They know you respect them. They'll respect them too. I'll talk about feelings when we come back.
: Here's Dr. Michael Kruger from the American Family Studios documentary, the God who Speaks.
Dr. Michael Kruger: You know, heresy has a multifaceted dimension about it. It can develop from a number of different sources. It can have a number of different causes, as simple as misunderstanding a passage of scripture so profoundly that one deviates from the faith. It could be driven by personal gain, where someone wants to advocate a view that helps their own agenda. Heresy can derive from someone being deceived and tricked by an outside source or, or an outside teacher that convinces them something's true that isn't. And so, ultimately we would argue that there is spiritual activity behind all those things, that Satan is out to deceive and trick the church. And so he is always churning up debate and, churning up disagreement about the person of Christ and the nature of the gospel and so on.
: Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.
Graves Into Gardens by Brandon Lake and Elevation Worship: But it couldn't feel me. And treasures of faith are never enough Then you came along and put me back together Together Every desire is now satisfied here in your love. Oh, there's nothing better than you there's nothing better than you Lord there's nothing, nothing is better than you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is Graves into Gardens by Brandon Lake and Elevation Worship. I welcome you back to this special edition of Ask Doctor Nurse Mama. We are on a Monday, but I am answering questions that I got from parents at a parent summit this week. We've already talked about about a lot of different things. The difference between privacy and healthy accountability. We have talked about healthcare professionals and what do we do about that. And by the way, earlier this year I did a whole show about that about how to find and invest in a primary care provider because everybody at some point is going to need healthcare. And so making that investment and knowing who you go to is really important. So you can go to that for an additional research, resource. And then I was talking about what do we do when other family members, when other adults in our kids lives are giving them information that is contrary to God's word, that is contrary to our values, to our biblical worldview. And the other things that I would say about that before I move on are making sure that you have your kid in a Bible believing church, in a good healthy church environment and that they're connected in a good healthy youth group. That is really going to help, that peer influence is going to help. Having other adults around that are pointing them toward biblical truth is really going to help. And you going to modeling your faith, showing that it is not just the theoretical, political, cultural beliefs that you have or fights that you have, but that this is a deeply held value and expression of your Christian faith and your own discipleship journey. Those things are important. And if you want more information about that, we talk about that every Friday. And the healthy habits just start at the beginning in January and you'll go through those four spiritual disciplines. That's important. And in case you missed it, those five people I think everybody needs in their life, not just kids, the healthcare provider, an intercessor, someone to pray for you, someone in the same boat who understands what you're going through, a counselor who's going to tell you tough truths that could just be a wise friend or mentor or relative. And the ride or die, the one who says I have my pitchfork rewrite at dawn. That's the kind of friend that and person that you want and you, your life who share your biblical worldview. Those are really important people to cultivate around yourself. And this next question that I got right here, how do you validate invalid feelings like a kid saying they're anxious in A non anxious space, you don't want to feel the anxiety or fear. Now this is really important. We have come to a point in society where feelings are really idolized. If we're going to be really honest, they're putting put above everything. And we're told that the goal in life is not to have any uncomfortable feeling and to do whatever it is, treat yourself and, and all of those things that are really self care to make sure that you don't have any discomfort or uncomfortable feeling. We as a society numb out those uncomfortable feelings by scrolling, by using social media, by gaming, by escapism, by all of these things. And when we have uncomfortable feelings it's hard. It's especially hard for us as parents because when our kids have, what shall we say? Undesirable emotional responses, emotional responses that are undesirable, we think ugh, I want that emotion to stop because it's uncomfortable for me, because it's telling me you have a problem and I haven't fixed it and I am starting to have anxiety about that. So the first thing that we need to do is be comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. Our kids are emotionally immature. Their amygdala, the part of their brain that is develops first, the fear based emotion center, it is on hyperdrive. And when you have that fear based center, when it activates, when they feel an emotion, guess what goes offline? Their prefrontal cortex, the ability for decision making. And all of a sudden their brain is just cloudy mush and all they can see is through that emot emotions. Now emotions are a God given thing. We can read about all kinds of emotions in the Bible. We see Jesus having a lot of emotions. He was lonely, he was anxious, he was fearful, he was angry. We see all of those things, all of those emotions. Yet in his emotions he did not sin. Now here's the thing that we have to remember with our kids. Feelings are not facts, feelings are feelings. And we can validate the human experience of an emotion without validating the circumstances behind it or the rationale that a child might have about those emotions or the thoughts that a child might have about those emotions. So let me give you a real practical example here. Let's say we have a kiddo who is not studying for a test and you know, know, you know they need to study, you know they're not going to do well and you tell them, and you tell them and you tell them you need to study, you need to study. And they don't study. And shocker, they come home and they have not done well on the exam. And they're angry. They're really, really angry. They're really upset. And you can validate that emotion without validating the experience. So here's what it would look like. You would say, I am so sorry that you did so poorly on the exam. It never feels good to not be successful on an exam. That is a yucky feeling. I get it. And then you back it up with facts. Because usually what comes with those emotions, if you have anger, what's going to come next with that? It's going to be. You can predict it. The teacher, so unfair. They didn't give us enough time. They don't help. The teacher's completely unhelpful. You know, you had me out and you, I told you I needed time to study. It's going to be blaming all these people. Is that true? No. Maybe there's a little truth in some of those things, but those feelings are not facts. And that's where you have to bring in the facts of, okay, where do you need to take accountability in this situation? And what supports do we need to put in place? What guardrails do we need to put in place to set you up for success in the future? Some of those guardrails may be the week you have an example exam. There's no social events. Now, that's not a punishment. That's a guardrail for you because I know that you need it. Because if it's not there, you are not going to be able to fully experience the freedom, emotionally, physically, psychologically, of being well prepared for your exam and then well prepared to have social encounters after that. So that is really important. Now, sometimes kids have feelings that are just unjustified, like, like this mom's asking about being anxious and anonymous anxious space. They just feel anxious and they don't know why. You can validate that? Yeah, I can see you're feeling anxious. That human experience is occurring. I can't say, no, you're not anxious. No, you shouldn't feel anxious. Just say, yeah, I can see that you're feeling anxious. Okay, what do we do when we're feeling anxious? What's a coping strategy? Kids need coping strategies. And frankly, so do adults. When we have emotions, we need coping strategies. So let's take anxiety, for example. If you're feeling anxious, we can go to Scripture. So if your kid is struggling with a, specific emotion, if they're feeling fearful or anxious, for example, have a go to Scripture ready. Now, that's not to give a trait biblical answer, but there's often wisdom in that and an action point going forward. So let's give this example. I'm feeling anxious. Okay. Well, Philippians says, in everything, give thanks, for this is the will of God and Christ Jesus. For you. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. So what's the action point here? Gratitude. Gratitude is the action point. So if your child's feeling anxious, turn their attention to gratitude. Okay, you're feeling anxious, you know what to do. Start counting your blessings. That's a coping skill. That is a practical, tangible coping skill that they need. Rather than trying to control their emotion or shut it off, you're redirecting it into another positive intention. So when I feel anxious, I count my blessings. Let's take the example of feeling fearful. I feel afraid. When I am afraid, I, put my trust in you. How do I do that? Well, God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a power and love and a sound mind. All right, so in what ways in this situation do you have power? What power do you have in this situation? And most of the time you've got more power than you think. Okay, here's your power to act. All right, what are, you have a spirit of love. What are ways that you can love people in this situation? Even though it may seem scary, even though it may seem fearful? Those are good coping strategies to have to take every thought captive and to validate their emotions. I can see you're feeling really upset about this. I can see that you're really angry with me for putting this guardrail in place. The key is for us to be calm and for, them to regulate to our level of motion. We don't up regulate to theirs. We need them to down regulate towards us. And we do that by staying calm. That is easier said than done. And to do that, we have to have our own coping mechanisms. We have to know, know what our own triggers are. We may need to tell our kid, hey, I need a five minute timeout. Just hang on, I'll be right back. I just need to calm down and think through this. But I will be back and I will work through this with you. And so having some compassion, some empathy for their, their emotional response doesn't mean we validate their behaviors or their thought process. We're going to redirect their behavior, redirect their thought process, process, and a lot of that is done. And sometimes you may need some therapy help to do that. The most commonly prescribed therapy for kids is something called cognitive behavioral therapy. Now, it's not an expressly Christian therapy, but it can very easily have a biblical worldview laid on top of it, because it really is about just taking negative thoughts and redirecting them in a positive intention. And we can have so many scriptures that align with that. Do, not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Those things are all really helpful. So how do you know when a feeling is rising to the level of, okay, this is beyond the normal what we would expect in the human, in the continuum of the human experience? Well, if your child is feeling anxious or fearful every single day or any other emotion, if they're struggling with anger and it's happening on a daily basis and it's happening for two weeks or more, then that is something that you think, okay, if you're having to modify your schedule, modify your family routines, if you're thinking, okay, we can't go there because they're anxious, or we're going to come home early because they had an outburst, those are things that really, you should go to that primary care provider that you trust to help to evaluate. Sometimes things happen that they can't have words for. Sometimes they've experienced something traumatic, maybe that you don't even know. Maybe it's something from the past that might be peeking its head out again. Sometimes grief can be like that. Traumatic experiences can be like that. But it's really important just to start a, feelings wheel. You can find a lot of great resources on the Internet for feelings wheels. And I encourage you to look and make your own chart for scripture, like, what do we do? What is the coping mechanism that we have that is really important to do? And the next question that came from that was, how do we control our own emotions before discussing or listening to our kids when they make a mistake? Whew.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Again, this is a really, really hard one. And if I could do it easily. Oh, man, I'm telling you, I think that's Nobel prize kind of material, because I think that there is no easy answer. It's really part of our journey towards sanctification, communication. I've recently seen an influencer who is very well known for communication hacks and tips and tricks. And I've been watching them, and some of them are good. Some I think it's good to know how to communicate. But we're always looking for the quick workaround what's the gotcha moment? What's how I can take control of the conversation? What's, you know, a way that I can, you know, quickly bring an end to any uncomfortable conversation? Some of those skills are good, but we can't ignore the heart issue that's underneath those emotions. If you are very, if you're irritable. Did you know that irritability can be one of the presenting, first presenting signs of depression? Sometimes we don't even stop to take note of how we are feeling. All of us have probably had the experience of, you know, maybe you're bulling around in the kitchen after, in the evening getting dinner ready, and you're kind of sort of slamming cabinets, maybe a little harder than you should, but not as hard as you think would be drama, dramatic. And you're just huffing and puffing and your spouse says, why are you angry? And what is your response? I'm not angry. And yet the whole family knows mama is mad, mama is angry, or daddy is grumpy. We know that. And so we need to name and claim our own emotions. Sometimes we just need an emotional timeout. Sometimes we need to face our own childhood traumatic things that have happened, the ways that, that we have learned unhealthy communication and relationship patterns. And sometimes we need to unwind those because an uncomfortable truth is many times when we see an undesirable behavior in our kids, it's because they're mirroring us and we're blind to it in ourselves. But we sure see it in our kids and we think, oh, I don't want you to have that struggle that I had. And I, I, I don't want to see that continue on. So these, these are just some tips, some perspective in thinking about how are we handling things. And I hope it's encouraged you to know that there are parents all over the country who are leaning in, who are investing in their families, who want the very best for them and they are putting their time and attention that way. And that encourages me. And that means you encourage me very, very much. And as you're encouraging me, I encourage you that I pray in praying that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace even in the middle of questions or doubts. I'll see you right back here tomorrow. We'd like to thank our sponsors, including PreBorn PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion. And every day their network clinics rescue 200 babies. lives. Will you join PreBorn in loving and supporting young moms in crisis? Save a life today. Go to preborn.com/AFR the views and
Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound250 and say the keyword baby or visit preborn.com/AFR Candace talks
: about finding out she was pregnant. Thankfully, an ultrasound provided by preborn allowed her to hear her baby's heartbeat. The sonogram sealed the deal for me. My baby was like this tiny little spectrum of hope and I saw his heart beating on the screen and knowing that there's life growing inside, I mean, that sonogram changed my life. I went from just Candace to mom. Thank you to everybody that has given these gifts. You guys are giving more than money. You guys are giving love.
: Preborn currently has clinics that do not have ultrasound machines. Would you consider a leadership gift and sponsor a machine Today? These life Saving machines cost $15,000 more than most centers can afford. Your donation will save countless lives for years to come. Dial pound250 and say the keyword baby or go to preborn.com/AFR hello and welcome to the Doctor Nursemama Show Prescribing Hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite time of day. I love getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for healthy families. And I got to do just that this last weekend actually I was speaking at a group at a church. I spoke at a church for a group of parents who were there for an event to really invest in their kids. So the kids had their own series, the parents had their own series. the event was called Guard the heart and we were talking about guarding your kids heart. And actually from that I really felt like, hey, I need to share that what I prepared for them with you too. So I want you to be on the lookout for a series that I'm working on for you right now called Guard the heart and we'll air that sometime in the future where I talk about the importance of healthy relationships. So often in today's culture, we get so distracted by the things that scare us to death and there are plenty of them. And we think about all the threats at that from culture, all of the safety threats, all of the relational threats, the rising Influence of AI, the potential for violence. I mean, all of these things just make us feel like, oh, what kind of world are we living in? And the answer is a broken world. And sometimes we feel like we just want to control the situation, so we try to become experts in that subject. Like, I'm going to know everything there is to know about this so that this threat cannot come and get my child. And those things are really important. We need to be the most staunch protectors that we can possibly be. We need to make sure that we are shielding our kids from everything that we possibly can while also preparing them for the realities of navigating today's cultural currents. And that's the parenting style, really, that I'll talk about in the Guard the Heart series, which is the lighthouse parenting style. And that's what I shared with with these parents over the weekend and really helped them build relationship skills because I am convinced that there is nothing that we can't handle together. In the context of strong, healthy family relationships, especially those relationships between parents and child and children, parent and child, we that the most significant predictor of resilience when overcoming adversity in childhood, which all children will experience some sort of hardship, some little, some major. We know that the number one predictor is meaningful connection to an invested adult in their life in the context of a healthy relationship. And the awesome thing is that moms and dads, you get to choose if that person is going to be you. You get to step in to your child's space and to be that safe place for them in world that feels very unsafe. And so if we can have conversation about some of those things, then I think some of those things come easier to be able to talk about. And when our kids encounter something they're not sure about, they're more likely to come to us. And especially if we're on an offensive strategy, we are leading the charge. We're not just reacting to every threat that comes in our home. We're anticipating them. We're preparing our kids for them in a developmentally appropriate way that signals that, hey, I am invested. I know about these things that are going on in the world. You can come to me. I am a safe place to come. Those are all the things that we'll talk about and Guard the Heart. But as part of this event, parents were able to submit cards to ask me questions. And I have a stack of those and some of those that I have pulled out because I thought if these parents at this event had these questions that are just burning on their Hearts, then I bet a lot of parents out there listening too, and grandparents and any other people who are invested in an adult's life. I think you know too, even young people listening. It's good to know what's on the hearts of parents, to know that there are so many parents whose heart is for their kid. And they may feel like, I'm really not sure about how to tackle this, but wow, I really want to do it well. I really, really want to. And I recognize that I'm a human, I recognize that I'm imperfect, but I really want to guard that well. So with that, let's just jump in and look at some of these questions. I mean, there's, there's really so many here, but this is the first one. Are you ready? Okay. It says, what does privacy look like while still monitoring and being involved both socially, in person and online. I get this question a lot, actually. This is a really great question because it means, hey, I want to be involved in my kids life. I want to be present, I want to be vigilant for any threats that can come that way. But I recognize that there's, I, can't just have control. And this is a difference between, this is the difference between policing your child's relationship and providing safety and guardrails. That's really what it is. One is about control, controlling behavior, and one is about equipping and equipping them for a mindset, setting them up for success. So really different intention. And I'm telling you, I think that comes across to kids when they know that we're just in all of their stuff because we're trying to find something. We're trying to assuage our insecurities or worries or anxieties or what if. Or make sure that you're not involved in this. And, and a lot of that comes from a good place, but sometimes it's driven by a motivation of fear. And our fear is we are afraid that something is going to come in and derail our kids. And we don't want that to happen. We see the best in them, we believe the best of them. And when we see that negative force coming in and we see the consequences that maybe they don't, we have fear in that way, but our kids pick up on. And what they perceive is that we are trying to control their behavior. Now here's where you have to do an honest gut check and say, okay, am I just trying to control their behavior? Make sure that I look at their room and I don't find Any vapes or any substances. I mean, that can sound really severe. Or I'm just looking at their room to make sure they picked everything up and that they're not texting anybody, I don't know, and then they're not posting anything online. But if you're trying to control their behavior, to tell you, give you an immediate feedback, feedback loop, to say, hey, I'm a great parent because my kids are making great choices that we've missed the heart of the matter, literally and figuratively. So it's all about the heart. Now, if you flip that paradigm and you approach it not from a policing standpoint, not from a, immediate behavioral standpoint, like I'm going to police your behavior, but I'm going to guard your heart. And to do that, I'm going to put some guardrails in place for you. I'm going to put some support systems and structures, not limitations, really, because we're going to put boundaries up so that you can have full freedom within those boundaries. That's the important thing. So, for example, if you're looking at what they're involved in online, you're going to say, okay, here's the boundaries for your phone use. Here are the rules of engagement. Here are all the ways that you are able and free to use this phone. You can text, you can do whatever that is that your family is setting up, whatever those specific boundaries are, and then it becomes not okay. Well, you can only text, you can only use this, do use this, don't use that. It's here is what you're able to do. And here are the safeguards, the guardrails that I have put in place to make sure that you stay safe. And some of those guardrails may be accountability through periodic monitoring. Now, sometimes that may be a technological tool that you use. Now when I say to my kids, and they would definitely, definitely quote me back on this, and not with a lot of affection, but with begrudging respect, I think they would say, my mom says I pay. I say, so if I am paying for their technology, then that technology is mine that they are using, that I'm lending to them under certain expectations and responsibilities. So I make it very normal just to have very organic checks. Now, at times I've used technology tools to help with that, especially as kids are learning. It's like you need training wheels because sometimes we can't anticipate what they might encounter online, that I'm going to be using, the platforms that they are using. That's going to increase my ability to be able to anticipate risk or threat. So if I see a trend on social media and they're on that platform, I'm going to see it. Maybe at the same time they are. That's way that I'm going to be involved and monitoring their environment while not policing their specific actions. It's also organic in that I'll say, okay, hand over your phone to me. I'm going to do a phone check. Time for a phone check. Just almost like a pop quiz. You know when you were in school and the teacher was saying, pop quiz, did the class go, oh, yay, here we go? No, they didn't. They're like, oh, they groan, but they do it. And that's the same thing with the phone check. So I'd say phone check. And I would look at it with the realization that kids are way smarter than we are in technology. And of course they're always going to be able to hide things from you. Not because they're malicious, not because they are trying to be sinful. A lot of the time that's just poor decision making where they're thinking, okay, well, you don't really understand what it's really like. Like, because we don't really talk about this and this is what it's like to be in the world. So this is what you're helping me navigate and this is what I'm going to handle on my own. Because this is for young people. You don't understand. So if you find they've hidden something, don't freak out and say, oh my gosh, how could you do this? You've broken my trust. What were you thinking? Just stop and say, okay, this is why we have guardrails in place. Here's why. This is not okay. Here are the dangers that are there and here are the additional guardrails that we're going to put in to make sure you're protected and safe. Not, you're grounded for life. Here's your punishment. It really is about discipline, which has such a more positive intention. Discipline is about training and that is important. We want to train kids to be able to handle their own digital footprint, to be able to handle themselves online. So that's really important. Now when I do these phone checks, I'll look through and see, you know, what kind of pictures are they taking. That's interesting to me because what's capturing your attention? Who, what friends are appearing on your friend role. But, you know, what happens is a lot of times my kids will look at me and say, well, Can I look at your phone? And you know what I say yes, absolutely you can. Here, go ahead, look at my phone. And I want to make sure that my kids don't have that I don't have anything that I'm hiding from them. Obviously there's going to be some situations there. There may be some confidential things, but for the most part I'm an open book. They want to know what am I looking at on social media, what what is on my for you page, what is in my text messages, who am I texting and who am I emailing. They may look at my screen time and see what is mom spending her screen time on. And that kind of mutual accountability is beautiful and it's healthy. And of course kids have to be respectful in that. But modeling that kind of transparency also gives another level of accountability in the house. And so I think those things are really helpful when we're looking at the difference between really policing and safeguarding. One is punitive in nature with a goal of punishment, and one is positive in nature with a goal of teaching and correcting and rebuking and training in righteousness. Much like the word of God, when we're using the word of God to teach and train our kids. So I am not a fan of overly relying on tech solutions. I think they're very helpful tools, but they are most helpful when they are in the context of a relationship. And it's the same even in person. When your kids are with their friends, invest in their friends, they want to talk to adults. Actually sometimes they just don't know how to do that. They just be the house where it's the place to hang out. One of the things that I did with my kids that was really successful was I told them they did not need to ask permission to have anyone over. They could always say our doors were open unless I told them in advance, like this is a blackout period and we can't have anybody over for whatever reason. But I'd say you can always offer up our house because usually they'll start texting, whose house can we go to? And if mine is the first there, then great, then kids come over and really all they want is a safe place to hang out.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Probably some food too. Like if you put some snacks in at 9 o' clock at night like you are, they're gonna come, you feed them and they will come. And then invest in them. They love being, they love having someone interested them. Ask them how's their school year going. Ask them what they're looking forward to this year, Ask them what they're struggling with and just be there. Get to know their friends and be a healthy adult who is present but not enmeshed. Those things are really, really helpful. This was a. And the question that I'm going to answer next. We're coming up on our next break, but I think I'm just shuffling these and deciding on the spot. I think what I'll answer next is this one. Okay, this is. This is your teaser for the next segment. How do you counter people of authority, such as medical professionals who are pushing agendas? My son's doctor likes to ask his parents to leave the room. My son will tell them no, but what if he didn't? Well, I, as you can imagine, have a lot to say about this as a healthcare professional. What are the healthy boundaries that are there? When should you leave the room? When should you not leave the room? How do we equip our kids to be able to handle that with both grace and truth? That is what I am going to answer on the way back. And it seems like, Mic, I don't know if you hear this or not. We may be having some m. Technical issues, but that's okay. We're just gonna work right through those. So those are the questions. But if you want to know some other questions that people asked. How do we validate feelings that are invalid? That is such a valid question. How do we validate feelings when we think you don't need to feel this way? And how do I get my spouse to be more open engaging with kids? If. If these are questions that relate. That you relate to, come on back and I'll provide these answers on, this special edition of Ask doctor nursemama. See you on the break. Hello, I'm Jessica peck, host of Dr. Nursemama. Did you know that this content is listener supported? Without people like you, this podcast would not exist. And that's why we need you. A generous monthly gift of any amount will help sustain American Family Radio and specifically this podcast. Please consider becoming a monthly financial partner today by visiting afr.net/give that's afr.net/give
Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham: To breathe the air of heaven where pain is gone and mercy fills the streets. To look upon the one who pledges Save me and walk with him for all eternity. There will be a day when all will bow before him. There will be a day when death will be no more. Standing face to face with he who died and rose again. Holy, holy is with the Lord.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham. And I was just sharing with my team. I had a lot of driving this last week and I did listen to all of Phil Wickham's Christmas albums. Yes I did. I just said that in the middle of September. I know now you're probably not going to take any advice that I give you seriously from here on out, but today really I'm giving you a special edition of Ask doctor Nurse Mama where I'm just giving you some general guidance about common issues that parents are facing. These are questions that I got from a parent event this weekend. They wrote these questions on index cards and like I said, I thought if the, these parents have these questions, parents everywhere have the same burning questions on their minds. And I want to share with you some things that I shared with them. And so this question, as I said that I was going to answer is this, this fear of what's going to happen when I take my kid into a health care provider and they're going to tell them something that is contrary to my beliefs and values. So as you can imagine, I have a lot of thoughts about this. And so let's, let's break it down a little bit because there's a lot of different things going on here. First of all we, what I see is a lot of parents who have a lot of legitimate concerns about what are healthcare professionals telling their kids, what are teachers telling their kids, what are other people of authority telling their kids and they're fighting for their parental rights in the parent, in the public square, as they should. And we're seeing this play out in state legislation and federal legislation and school board meetings, all of those things. And we should absolutely have parents present at those places. But I also say be careful not to give away the influence that you have at home. Sometimes we just overlook that we're worried about what the teacher's going to say or healthcare professional. But we, we don't realize the influencers that are streaming into our kids homes via YouTube and streaming services and social media that have hours and hours and hours of access to our kids and what I call vicarious credibility where you know, oh so and so is following them. So that must mean they're credible rather than looking at them and evaluating that source of information from a biblical worldview and to make sure that it is aligned with biblical truth. And so I want to make sure that we have that both. And because when I see parents fear of a 10 minute encounter with a healthcare professional, yeah, there's right to be vigilant. There, there's right to be aware there. But I also am concerned about the hours and hours of influencers that they may be consuming. Maybe without us even realizing it, we think, oh, they're watching kids shows or they're just watching reels or those kinds of things. So let's make sure that we're protecting our authority and influence at home as well as out in the public square. So that's first bit of perspective that I have for you. The second one is that research is clear that even though it doesn't feel like it, especially when your kids get to be teenagers, the primary influencer of children is their parents. They care more about what their parents think. And when they have a healthy relationship, in the context of a healthy relationship, they care more about that than their peers. Now when that peer influence starts to increase, that's in about early adolescence. And this makes such perfect sense because their brain's not fully developed, they're driven by emotion and that means a need to belong, a need to have identity, a need for connection and attention. But as they grow and their ability to be more rational grows, that's usually when they start to wrestle with their faith, make it their own. And most kids who have a healthy relationship with their parents will adopt their parents worldview and values. So that's really important to know and that's something that can give you confidence that it would be very unlikely that a healthcare professional could undo all of that in a 10 minute encounter. Here's another thing to think about. It's so important for you to have a relationship with a primary care provider, someone that you know because you're literally trusting them with your life, you're trusting them with your children's lives. And in this day of fragmented healthcare, it's really increasingly common to see people that you don't know. You may be seeing a healthcare provider that you've never seen before. And that if they're asking for time alone, alone, that is awkward, that is really like that, that can be really an awkward thing to navigate. But if you're going in for regular checkups, as everybody should, and you know your healthcare provider and you know they're aligned with or at least the very least respectful of your worldview, and they are, they're incorporating that with you and they are working with you and respecting the way that you want to raise your kids, then it's going to be much easier to leave them alone with a healthcare provider if you know that and you trust them. And it's in the context of routine, well care. So that's something to think about. Now the other thing to think about is that for me, from a technical perspective, it's really important that as our kids get to be teenagers, that we teach them to be responsible for their own health. Because I can't tell you how many teenagers and college kids I've seen who have never been to a health appointment by themselves. And all of a sudden they have such anxiety because they are navigating this by themselves and they're FaceTiming their parent, which that's fine because. But, you know, really just I want them to have, confidence. And so I have patients who will answer questions like, if they're filling out a healthcare form, who do you want us to call in case of emergency? And when they say 911 and they don't know who their emergency medical contact is, that can actually be an issue. I want kids to know if they're allergic to any medications. I don't want them to have to call their mom and say, do I have both of my kidneys? And to answer all of the questions that they have, they need to know their past medical history because they may be in a situation where you're not there. They may have a medical emergency at school or something like that. But even so, being able to transfer that and to know this is my health history. One of the things that we talked about on our declutter diaries actually with Kathi Lipp, was having a one pager for each family member so that they just know and, and give this to your teenage kids. Like, here's your health history. Here's the things that you're allergic to, here's the things you can't have, here's things that a healthcare provider might need to know in your past medical history. Those things are really important. So think about that. Regardless of whether you're deciding to let a healthcare professional talk to your child alone or not, think about ways in which you can prepare them to take over their own healthcare so that when they do become adults, they enter the workforce, they go into college, they're confident in being able to navigate their health needs, and they know what they have. So that's another thing to think about. Another thing to think about from a technical perspective is as kids get older, sometimes it's just embarrassing to have your mom or your dad in the room if you're getting an exam. So if your kid is comfortable with their healthcare provider and you are comfortable with their healthcare provider, sometimes just stepping outside for a few minutes is a way to spare their dignity and an experience that they already think is like the most embarrassing thing ever. But it's a great opportunity to have a conversation about abuse prevention, to tell them in what context it's okay, what their rights are, even in a healthcare provider situation for them to say, to refuse an exam, to refuse a specific part of an exam, to refuse to answer a question, what are their rights? What can they say? What. And they, they still maintain autonomy over their body. And that's a good time just to talk about body safety and body boundaries. And I've covered that and other shows. I covered that recently on a Friday show, so you can listen to that. So those are things to think about. Another thing to think about about why healthcare professionals would want to do this is sadly, the truth is there are some kids who are being abused. Child abuse has been increasing since COVID And sometimes it's hard to know, especially if we don't know family really well and you're seeing somebody for the first time. Sometimes kids will make an outcry of abuse. Now sometimes that abuse is happening at home and sometimes it's happening somewhere else. But they just feel so much fear and they don't know when and how to make an outcry. But sometimes just by the nature of that healthcare encounter, they may make an outcry there. And so that's another opportunity to have to have those questions by yourself. And sometimes you know how healthcare kids will tell healthcare professionals things that they wouldn't tell you. They might tell me about a risk taking behavior that they're having. They might tell me that they did experiment with drinking and they didn't tell you that. Now why, why is this important to think about? Well, it's not because they're trying to hide it from you. It's because they don't care as much about what I think of them. And it might be a safe place where they can float that out there and say, you know, yeah, here, here's what's going on and I'm going to gauge your response. Like, would my parents parents totally freak out? Is this really wrong? Or like, what can I do? But again, if you know that healthcare provider and you know that they know the boundaries of what your your parent, parental relationship are, the best healthcare providers are going to encourage disclosure to parents and bring the parents in. I've had this happen so many times when kids will tell me something, they'll disclose a risk taking behavior or a concern that they have. And I always ask them, would you like me to help you talk to your parents about this and I'll tell them, you know, your parents have to know this. Would you like for me to help you talk to your parents? And I have very, very rarely have a kid say no. Most of the time it's like, ah, a weight falls off their shoulder. Yes, yes, let's talk about this. And that can be a celebration really of early disclosure of something that came out early so that we have an opportunity for early intervention. There are better outcomes with early intervention from a brain health perspective, from a physical perspective, from every holistic health measure that you have now. When you. So, considering all of those factors, let's, let's put all of those complexities onto this. When you have a healthcare provider who asks you if you want to leave, if you don't feel comfortable in leaving, leaving, it's absolutely your right to say that you want to stay. And it may be something that you talk to your child about, you know, it may be something that you talk to the healthcare provider and say, I want to know exactly what you're going to ask and how you're going to ask it. And then I'll decide if I can or I want to be here for this first time. And then maybe I'll think about that. So much of it has to do with the context of the relationship. You're going to have a much harder time doing that with a stranger than somebody that you know and trust, who knows your kid and knows your family. Family and sees you all the time. That's, that's there. But for me, I think it's also a great opportunity for my kids to share their values and to share and to say, yeah, here I'm going to be asked these questions and it's okay to say, I'm not comfortable answering that. It's okay to say, I want my mom to come back in here. I want my dad to come back in here. Really empowering our kids to have autonomy is a really important thing.
Dr. Jessica Peck: But sometimes it can be easier to talk about things that are just embarrassing, some things that are just critical for just normal physiological health. I'm talking about issues of puberty and things like that. And sometimes it's just, it's just a painfully awkward point in life, you know, where parents are trying to have those conversations. And I have yet to meet a parent who said, oh yeah, I talked with my child about it. We enjoy talking about it. It's so easy. I mean, it just comes naturally. And my kid thanks me all time for having talks about how their Body is changing. Like it's just, it is tough and so lean into that. And that goes with one of the other questions actually that was, that was asked in here. Let me, let me switch here. Oh, and by the way, before I finish that, make sure that you know what your legal rights are in your state because that is a rapidly evolving landscape and something that's more complex than what I can address in just this time. But know what your rights are so that, that way you can know to assert those if you need to. And also what to do if, though if, if there's a lack of those rights. What would you do in that situation? What resources would you have? What recourse would you have? That would be really important to look at your state laws and see what it is. But one of the questions, that that was asked was how can or should adults in Christian teens life. These are all handwritten. So excuse me here for grandparents, aunts, how can apply biblical parental styles and conversations when the parent does not have a biblical approach or isn't a Christian? So this is basically saying if you have other adults in a, in a kid's life, like talking points and, and having like the, this teen is spending time with people who, with adults around her. That's basically where this question is going. There's some more context here, so let me clarify and start again. So you have a teenager who's spending time with adults and their life who do not share your biblical worldview. Now sometimes that can happen in the context of divorce, sometimes that can happen in the context of competitive sports or community activities where they have a coach or a teacher or school or something like that. So what do you do about that when you have other voices in here? Well, this is what I have to say to this. I think it's very important, for us to not only be on guard for potentially con, conflicting worldviews, conflicting or negative influences that might come into our kids lives, we need to intentionally cultivate adults around them who will stand up for that biblical worldview, who will affirm what we're teaching them at home. And so often I think as parents we don't take the time to do that. We don't think who are the people in my kid's life who will do this? I think there's actually five. One is that healthcare provider. That's who I talked to you about already. Someone who is trusted, who is vetted. And you may have to spend some time, taking time to do that, to find somebody to say okay, this person we will trust with our healthcare partnership and decisions. One is a healthcare provider. The second is an intercessor. Does your kid know someone who prays for them? I've shared this before. My kids know their grandfather will pray for them at the drop of a hat. They, they can text him at any time. They. And no questions asked. Just, yep, I'm going to pray. And they know they'll appear in his prayer journal. They know his name. Their names will be coming from his lips while he is kneeling at his bed in his prayer time. They know that he will pray for them. They need an intercessor. They also need, someone who's in the same boat. So is your kid going through a divorce? Are you part of a military family that relocates often to. You could have a chronic illness that they're having to deal with? They need someone who understands where they are. They also need a wise counselor. Now, that doesn't necessarily have to be professional, but who in their life can they count on to go to tell them the truth, even when it's tough? And the last one is just that ride or die. That person, that friend who, that adult who says, I love you no matter what, you can do no wrong in my eyes. I will cheer you on all the time. Cultivating these people around your kids will help strengthen that worldview. They know you respect them. They'll respect them too. I'll talk about feelings when we come back.
: Here's Dr. Michael Kruger from the American Family Studios documentary, the God who Speaks.
Dr. Michael Kruger: You know, heresy has a multifaceted dimension about it. It can develop from a number of different sources. It can have a number of different causes, as simple as misunderstanding a passage of scripture so profoundly that one deviates from the faith. It could be driven by personal gain, where someone wants to advocate a view that helps their own agenda. Heresy can derive from someone being deceived and tricked by an outside source or, or an outside teacher that convinces them something's true that isn't. And so, ultimately we would argue that there is spiritual activity behind all those things, that Satan is out to deceive and trick the church. And so he is always churning up debate and, churning up disagreement about the person of Christ and the nature of the gospel and so on.
: Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.
Graves Into Gardens by Brandon Lake and Elevation Worship: But it couldn't feel me. And treasures of faith are never enough Then you came along and put me back together Together Every desire is now satisfied here in your love. Oh, there's nothing better than you there's nothing better than you Lord there's nothing, nothing is better than you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is Graves into Gardens by Brandon Lake and Elevation Worship. I welcome you back to this special edition of Ask Doctor Nurse Mama. We are on a Monday, but I am answering questions that I got from parents at a parent summit this week. We've already talked about about a lot of different things. The difference between privacy and healthy accountability. We have talked about healthcare professionals and what do we do about that. And by the way, earlier this year I did a whole show about that about how to find and invest in a primary care provider because everybody at some point is going to need healthcare. And so making that investment and knowing who you go to is really important. So you can go to that for an additional research, resource. And then I was talking about what do we do when other family members, when other adults in our kids lives are giving them information that is contrary to God's word, that is contrary to our values, to our biblical worldview. And the other things that I would say about that before I move on are making sure that you have your kid in a Bible believing church, in a good healthy church environment and that they're connected in a good healthy youth group. That is really going to help, that peer influence is going to help. Having other adults around that are pointing them toward biblical truth is really going to help. And you going to modeling your faith, showing that it is not just the theoretical, political, cultural beliefs that you have or fights that you have, but that this is a deeply held value and expression of your Christian faith and your own discipleship journey. Those things are important. And if you want more information about that, we talk about that every Friday. And the healthy habits just start at the beginning in January and you'll go through those four spiritual disciplines. That's important. And in case you missed it, those five people I think everybody needs in their life, not just kids, the healthcare provider, an intercessor, someone to pray for you, someone in the same boat who understands what you're going through, a counselor who's going to tell you tough truths that could just be a wise friend or mentor or relative. And the ride or die, the one who says I have my pitchfork rewrite at dawn. That's the kind of friend that and person that you want and you, your life who share your biblical worldview. Those are really important people to cultivate around yourself. And this next question that I got right here, how do you validate invalid feelings like a kid saying they're anxious in A non anxious space, you don't want to feel the anxiety or fear. Now this is really important. We have come to a point in society where feelings are really idolized. If we're going to be really honest, they're putting put above everything. And we're told that the goal in life is not to have any uncomfortable feeling and to do whatever it is, treat yourself and, and all of those things that are really self care to make sure that you don't have any discomfort or uncomfortable feeling. We as a society numb out those uncomfortable feelings by scrolling, by using social media, by gaming, by escapism, by all of these things. And when we have uncomfortable feelings it's hard. It's especially hard for us as parents because when our kids have, what shall we say? Undesirable emotional responses, emotional responses that are undesirable, we think ugh, I want that emotion to stop because it's uncomfortable for me, because it's telling me you have a problem and I haven't fixed it and I am starting to have anxiety about that. So the first thing that we need to do is be comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. Our kids are emotionally immature. Their amygdala, the part of their brain that is develops first, the fear based emotion center, it is on hyperdrive. And when you have that fear based center, when it activates, when they feel an emotion, guess what goes offline? Their prefrontal cortex, the ability for decision making. And all of a sudden their brain is just cloudy mush and all they can see is through that emot emotions. Now emotions are a God given thing. We can read about all kinds of emotions in the Bible. We see Jesus having a lot of emotions. He was lonely, he was anxious, he was fearful, he was angry. We see all of those things, all of those emotions. Yet in his emotions he did not sin. Now here's the thing that we have to remember with our kids. Feelings are not facts, feelings are feelings. And we can validate the human experience of an emotion without validating the circumstances behind it or the rationale that a child might have about those emotions or the thoughts that a child might have about those emotions. So let me give you a real practical example here. Let's say we have a kiddo who is not studying for a test and you know, know, you know they need to study, you know they're not going to do well and you tell them, and you tell them and you tell them you need to study, you need to study. And they don't study. And shocker, they come home and they have not done well on the exam. And they're angry. They're really, really angry. They're really upset. And you can validate that emotion without validating the experience. So here's what it would look like. You would say, I am so sorry that you did so poorly on the exam. It never feels good to not be successful on an exam. That is a yucky feeling. I get it. And then you back it up with facts. Because usually what comes with those emotions, if you have anger, what's going to come next with that? It's going to be. You can predict it. The teacher, so unfair. They didn't give us enough time. They don't help. The teacher's completely unhelpful. You know, you had me out and you, I told you I needed time to study. It's going to be blaming all these people. Is that true? No. Maybe there's a little truth in some of those things, but those feelings are not facts. And that's where you have to bring in the facts of, okay, where do you need to take accountability in this situation? And what supports do we need to put in place? What guardrails do we need to put in place to set you up for success in the future? Some of those guardrails may be the week you have an example exam. There's no social events. Now, that's not a punishment. That's a guardrail for you because I know that you need it. Because if it's not there, you are not going to be able to fully experience the freedom, emotionally, physically, psychologically, of being well prepared for your exam and then well prepared to have social encounters after that. So that is really important. Now, sometimes kids have feelings that are just unjustified, like, like this mom's asking about being anxious and anonymous anxious space. They just feel anxious and they don't know why. You can validate that? Yeah, I can see you're feeling anxious. That human experience is occurring. I can't say, no, you're not anxious. No, you shouldn't feel anxious. Just say, yeah, I can see that you're feeling anxious. Okay, what do we do when we're feeling anxious? What's a coping strategy? Kids need coping strategies. And frankly, so do adults. When we have emotions, we need coping strategies. So let's take anxiety, for example. If you're feeling anxious, we can go to Scripture. So if your kid is struggling with a, specific emotion, if they're feeling fearful or anxious, for example, have a go to Scripture ready. Now, that's not to give a trait biblical answer, but there's often wisdom in that and an action point going forward. So let's give this example. I'm feeling anxious. Okay. Well, Philippians says, in everything, give thanks, for this is the will of God and Christ Jesus. For you. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. So what's the action point here? Gratitude. Gratitude is the action point. So if your child's feeling anxious, turn their attention to gratitude. Okay, you're feeling anxious, you know what to do. Start counting your blessings. That's a coping skill. That is a practical, tangible coping skill that they need. Rather than trying to control their emotion or shut it off, you're redirecting it into another positive intention. So when I feel anxious, I count my blessings. Let's take the example of feeling fearful. I feel afraid. When I am afraid, I, put my trust in you. How do I do that? Well, God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a power and love and a sound mind. All right, so in what ways in this situation do you have power? What power do you have in this situation? And most of the time you've got more power than you think. Okay, here's your power to act. All right, what are, you have a spirit of love. What are ways that you can love people in this situation? Even though it may seem scary, even though it may seem fearful? Those are good coping strategies to have to take every thought captive and to validate their emotions. I can see you're feeling really upset about this. I can see that you're really angry with me for putting this guardrail in place. The key is for us to be calm and for, them to regulate to our level of motion. We don't up regulate to theirs. We need them to down regulate towards us. And we do that by staying calm. That is easier said than done. And to do that, we have to have our own coping mechanisms. We have to know, know what our own triggers are. We may need to tell our kid, hey, I need a five minute timeout. Just hang on, I'll be right back. I just need to calm down and think through this. But I will be back and I will work through this with you. And so having some compassion, some empathy for their, their emotional response doesn't mean we validate their behaviors or their thought process. We're going to redirect their behavior, redirect their thought process, process, and a lot of that is done. And sometimes you may need some therapy help to do that. The most commonly prescribed therapy for kids is something called cognitive behavioral therapy. Now, it's not an expressly Christian therapy, but it can very easily have a biblical worldview laid on top of it, because it really is about just taking negative thoughts and redirecting them in a positive intention. And we can have so many scriptures that align with that. Do, not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Those things are all really helpful. So how do you know when a feeling is rising to the level of, okay, this is beyond the normal what we would expect in the human, in the continuum of the human experience? Well, if your child is feeling anxious or fearful every single day or any other emotion, if they're struggling with anger and it's happening on a daily basis and it's happening for two weeks or more, then that is something that you think, okay, if you're having to modify your schedule, modify your family routines, if you're thinking, okay, we can't go there because they're anxious, or we're going to come home early because they had an outburst, those are things that really, you should go to that primary care provider that you trust to help to evaluate. Sometimes things happen that they can't have words for. Sometimes they've experienced something traumatic, maybe that you don't even know. Maybe it's something from the past that might be peeking its head out again. Sometimes grief can be like that. Traumatic experiences can be like that. But it's really important just to start a, feelings wheel. You can find a lot of great resources on the Internet for feelings wheels. And I encourage you to look and make your own chart for scripture, like, what do we do? What is the coping mechanism that we have that is really important to do? And the next question that came from that was, how do we control our own emotions before discussing or listening to our kids when they make a mistake? Whew.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Again, this is a really, really hard one. And if I could do it easily. Oh, man, I'm telling you, I think that's Nobel prize kind of material, because I think that there is no easy answer. It's really part of our journey towards sanctification, communication. I've recently seen an influencer who is very well known for communication hacks and tips and tricks. And I've been watching them, and some of them are good. Some I think it's good to know how to communicate. But we're always looking for the quick workaround what's the gotcha moment? What's how I can take control of the conversation? What's, you know, a way that I can, you know, quickly bring an end to any uncomfortable conversation? Some of those skills are good, but we can't ignore the heart issue that's underneath those emotions. If you are very, if you're irritable. Did you know that irritability can be one of the presenting, first presenting signs of depression? Sometimes we don't even stop to take note of how we are feeling. All of us have probably had the experience of, you know, maybe you're bulling around in the kitchen after, in the evening getting dinner ready, and you're kind of sort of slamming cabinets, maybe a little harder than you should, but not as hard as you think would be drama, dramatic. And you're just huffing and puffing and your spouse says, why are you angry? And what is your response? I'm not angry. And yet the whole family knows mama is mad, mama is angry, or daddy is grumpy. We know that. And so we need to name and claim our own emotions. Sometimes we just need an emotional timeout. Sometimes we need to face our own childhood traumatic things that have happened, the ways that, that we have learned unhealthy communication and relationship patterns. And sometimes we need to unwind those because an uncomfortable truth is many times when we see an undesirable behavior in our kids, it's because they're mirroring us and we're blind to it in ourselves. But we sure see it in our kids and we think, oh, I don't want you to have that struggle that I had. And I, I, I don't want to see that continue on. So these, these are just some tips, some perspective in thinking about how are we handling things. And I hope it's encouraged you to know that there are parents all over the country who are leaning in, who are investing in their families, who want the very best for them and they are putting their time and attention that way. And that encourages me. And that means you encourage me very, very much. And as you're encouraging me, I encourage you that I pray in praying that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace even in the middle of questions or doubts. I'll see you right back here tomorrow. We'd like to thank our sponsors, including PreBorn PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion. And every day their network clinics rescue 200 babies. lives. Will you join PreBorn in loving and supporting young moms in crisis? Save a life today. Go to preborn.com/AFR the views and
Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
Ask Dr. Nurse Mama (Special Edition). Jessica shares some of the questions she was asked at a recent parent event and gives wisdom to navigate these tough situations.
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