Hello and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show, prescribing Hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner, and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite time of day. On my favorite day of the week, it is fry. Yay. And hey guys, we're heading into Thanksgiving week. Can you believe it? I don't know about you, but I feel like this holiday season has just gone by at lightning speed. I just am blinking. And here we are going into Thanksgiving week, and this is the last chance to participate in Operation Christmas Child. That last day for collection is going to be on Monday, November 24th. Go to samaritanspurse.org/occ and I encourage you to do that. It'd be a great thing to do with your family if you have time over the weekend. And regardless of wherever you're going, whatever you are doing, I'm so grateful that you are here. This has been an incredible journey with you over the last year that we started in January. It feels like it was just yesterday that we were sitting here saying, let's have a journey of healthy habits. And we've talked about so many things, and this is not about perfection. This is about progress. And even if you have adopted one or two or three or a handful of healthy habits from the things that we've talked about, even those small, little changes will make such a big difference. And my favorite Christmas movie of all time is It's a Wonderful Life. And I encourage you to watch that with your family. It's such a great, great Christmas movie. Classic for sure. But we won't all have the joy of, that George Bailey had and being able to look back at his life to see the impact of all of those seemingly small acts of obedience. But it is a really good message for us to remember that God sees, God knows, and he uses even our most, our most fragile, frail, feeble attempts at obedience. And he blesses those incredibly. And so as we have been journeying together this year, we talked about spiritual disciplines, we talked about family rhythms, we talked about communication, and then we talked all things tech. In the summer, we talked safety, keeping your family safe. And then we have been for the last 12 weeks together talking about ways to be. These are the hardest things. The be attitudes, not the Beatitudes from the Bible, but kind of a, little cross reference there. And we've talked about ways to be. And in this last week that we're going to talk about that before we're Going to transition to some Christmas themes and have some Advent reflections and devotionals.
Culture is trying to take away your self control because it drives your marketing behaviors
I want to encourage you today to be. Are you ready? Self controlled. I know it's not a topic that anybody wants to talk about. It's like, you know, lecture time. Oh, who wants to talk about being self controlled Controlled. But let me tell you, in today's world, culture is really programming you without you even realizing it to not be self control. They are trying to take away all I say they, A, culture is trying to take away your self control because it drives your marketing behaviors. They want you to buy more, companies want you to buy more. And we've got to swim upstream and have some self control. In an age that really elevates and amplifies cultural indulgence. Today's culture is discipling us whether we are aware of it or not. It's far more than when you than we realize we are being discipled into impulse, into immediacy, into indulgence. These are the things that we are constantly lured to and tempted to when we live in a world that is designed for our instant gratification. We don't have to have self control to wait for anything because we wait for no man. We wait for nothing. We have one click shopping, we have autoplay entertainment. You don't even have to wait for the tape to rewind anymore, just automatically replay. We have algorithms that are personalizing things. I'm going to dive into this. You're going to be very surprised, I think. And we have endless digital dopamine loops. We no longer wait for anything. We expect everything. And when waiting feels unnecessary, we start to realize that self control feels really unnatural. It is contrary to our human, to our human nature as called to be sanctified by the Holy Spirit. It is the worst of our human nature and it makes self control very unpopular. Today self control is seen as restrictive, as repressive, as old fashioned, as oh, you just need to find yourself, you need to indulge yourself. Culture tells us, follow your heart, treat yourself, you deserve it. Don't deny yourself. Shake off those old ways of being repressed, especially spiritual. You know, you, you're just behind the times. The message is very clear. The good life means removing all discomfort, feeding your desire, chasing happiness. But scripture, which is the true countercultural voice, it is giving us a message of the opposite. God built self control as a necessary part. Here's the most important part here of a flourishing life. Not a restricted life, not a no fun life, not a repressed and backwards way of life. We're talking about flourishing because God came. God sent his son to give us life, and not just life, but that we would have life more, abundantly. And second, Peter is giving us a blueprint for today. Make every effort to add to your faith, goodness and to goodness, knowledge and to knowledge self control. So I'm going to give you some knowledge today, some from what we've learned from research, some from God's word, which is the most important. And I'm asking you today to add to that self control. Because Peter teaches that faith naturally grows into a character that restrains, that redirects, that refocuses our impulses from self towards God. Now, self control isn't about legalism. It's not about, I'm going to follow all these rules and do all of these things. It is about alignment, aligning our desires ordered toward what brings life, not death. Now the thief comes to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus came that we may have life more abundantly. We've got to align ourselves and initially that's a harder road, but it leads to life. So we're going to explore today while culture pushes us away from self control and how we can reclaim it with spiritual discipline. Now, self control, as I said, is very unpopular today. Culture is worshiping immediacy. We have, we used to have two day shipping. That's not enough. Now we need same day delivery. Now we need instant delivery. We have instacart. Everything is instant. We want payments that are absolutely frictionless, just instant. We have binge watching where we don't have to wait for another show to come out. Comfort is the highest value. Inconvenience is just intolerable. Have you seen people lose their minds out as the holiday shopping starts if they're inconvenienced at all? Those feelings of inconvenience are authoritative and it controls anything that seems inauthentic. And we idolize autonomy. No one can tell me what to do. I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul. Anytime we have self control to deny ourselves, that's labeled as, oh, unhealthy, even though scripture calls it freedom.
Culture is eroding our self control without us even noticing it
Now let me open your eyes to some of the ways that culture is eroding our self control without us, even noticing it. First of all, endless scrolling. It trains your brain to need constant stimulation. So we have apps that are intentionally engineered to keep us scrolling. They're tapping into that dopamine reward system. Every swipe gives you something new, something surprising, something funny, something emotionally stirring over time. This is training your brain to expect novelty every few seconds and it makes the self control to have stillness or focus feel intolerable. Now think about this like how does this happen? Well, you pick up your phone just to check one thing 30 minutes later of watching sports bloopers or cat videos. You can't watch a full show without simultaneously scrolling. You're watching the picture in the picture while you're still scrolling because you want the instant gratification of autoplay, but you also want to scroll. We see children today who are struggling to read a book or sit through a meal even without a device. And so practical applications you can have for this practice micro boredom. Give yourself two to three minutes of just doing nothing. That is a form of self control. Put a timer on your social media app and have the self control to honor it. Declare certain rooms or parts of the day. This is a screen free place, a screen free zone, a screen free day. That is self control for kids. Teach them to pause before picking up their device and say, what am I here to do? And I'm going to have the self control to just do that task. Another thing that culture does is we have notification culture. This disrupts our attention. It reinforces impulsiveness because every time we feel a buzz, a ping, a badge icon, it demands our immediate attention. We don't have self control to wait to look at those at a specific time. And it creates this illusion of urgency that is just simply not there. It is not true. It is subtly training our minds though to switch tasks constantly and over time. This is. This impairs self control because we are not choosing, we are not responding, we are reacting. That's a really big thing to think about. Because if we are trained to react, that is not going to train our spirits for self control. Think about this. Maybe you're in a meaningful conversation, but that notification, it pulls you away and you can't. The kids can't focus on their homework because the group chat keeps going off, or you're checking your email at dinner and bed, or dare I say during the sermon and hoping people are thinking you're looking at your bible app. Oh, did I go too far? Well, ways that you can have personal application are turning off those notifications using do not disturb as a function. Put your phone on grayscale so that you're reducing those visual triggers that are giving you dopamine hits and have a focus mode. Model this for your kids. Here's another way hyper personalized advertising is targeting your emotional vulnerabilities. What in the world did I just say what I'm saying is that your phone is watching you all the time. Yes, that is true. And advertisers today are not simply selling to you, they are studying you. The algorithms are tracking those emotional indicators. What are you lingering on? What are you seeking more of? When are you shopping, what times of day, after you look at what content, what is stressing you out? These algorithms are identifying when you're lonely, when you're bored, when you're tired, when you're stressed. And then it's giving you products at the exact moment your, impulses are the weakest. If this sounds like scary George Orwell kind of stuff, good. It should. Because this is, this isn't a lack of self control. It's really a mismatch between human weakness and machine level persuasion. That is then programming us to not be self controlled. Now think you know you, you're feeling down and you post something about that. Well, suddenly you're getting ads for comfort food, for retail therapy, for self care products for influencers who have the perfect message for you. Maybe you mentioned a vacation idea. Now you're getting shown flight deals, hotels, gear that you need for the trip or after a long day at work, you're targeted with treat yourself ads. Just go get dinner, go get something there. Order doordash. You gotta pause to ask why do I suddenly want this? Is this desire being stimulated artificially? Or do I need to have some self control for these marketing messages? Now sometimes that means not resisting the marketing messages but fasting from them altogether. Maybe you can practice self control by having a 24 hour rule before you purchase something online. Don't worry, it's gonna come to your door in three hours now or use, use the browser extensions that block personalized ads. Go to your ad settings, learn how to do that on your phone to block cookies and marketing and all of those kinds of things. And that is important.
Another way that we don't have self control is entertainment algorithms
Another way that we don't have self control is entertainment algorithms. They reward passive consumption, not active choice. So platforms are playing the next video instantly. You never have to choose. It is choosing for you. Instead of asking and have the self control to say is this good for me? Is this a good time for me? Is this a good content for me? Do I want to keep watching? We just drift into consumption without any intention. That weakens our self control muscles because we stop practicing the skill of making conscious choices. We're not choosing, it's being chosen for us. Maybe you intended to watch one episode, but three later, it's midnight, you know that happens. That has happened to me. Or Kids melt down when the screen time ends. Not because they're bad kids, but because their brains never signaled a stopping point. And families are spending evenings together with everyone staring at their screens. Some practical ways you can resist this are turning off autoplay on your devices, choosing your shows ahead of time instead of just browsing while you're tired. Or create a device closing ritual or rhythm. You turn off the lights, you say a prayer, you plug in your phones and you say good night to the screen. That is really important. You can have self control to do that with kids. Watch one episode intentionally. Listen, I got a lot more insight for you on how culture is impacting your self control. Don't go away. We'll be right back. A recent Danish study revealed something heartbreaking. Just one year after an abortion, women were 50% more likely to need psychiatric treatment and 87% more likely to experience personality or behavioral disorders. That's not women's health care. That's trauma. But at preborn, women find the real kind of care, the kind that heals. When a woman walks into one of Preborn's network clinics, she's welcomed with open arms. She's introduced to her baby through an ultrasound and for the first time she sees life, not loss. And she's offered hope filled choices. When she chooses life, PreBorn continues walking with her for up to two years, providing maternity clothes, diapers, counseling and so much more. Preborn cares for the whole woman, body, mind and soul and the precious baby growing inside her. As you think about your year end giving, consider the greatest investment you could ever make. The gift of life. Dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250 baby or visit preborn.com/drnursemama that's preborn.com/drnursemama All gifts are tax- deductible and PreBorn is a five star rated charity. preborn.com/AFR Wandering into the night Wanting.
I Thank God by Housefires, JWLKRS Worship, and Ryan Ellis : A place to hide this weary soul this bag of bones I tried with all my might But I just can't win the fight I'm slowly drifting A vagabond and just when I ran out of road I met a man I didn't know and he told me that I was not alone he picked me up and turned me around and placed my feet on solid ground I thank the Master, I thank the Savior because he healed my heart and changed my my name forever free I am not the same I thank the Master I thank the Savior I thank God.
Today we're talking about being self controlled. Now this is not something that we think about often
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is I thank God by Housefires and I do thank God for you on this Friday. Yay. As we're talking about 52 habits for healthy families. If you've missed any of these, go back and listen to any Friday show from this year. We did it last year too and have revamped it for this year. And you can also listen to the Dr. Nurse Mama coaching minutes, a one minute version version if you need it on the go. And today we are ending our micro series within the greater series that I'm calling the Be Attitudes. And today we're talking about being self controlled. Now this is not something that we think, oh yes, let's hope we go into church today and talk about self control. Oh, I hope that Jessica is talking about self control today. But it is so important, so important, friends. And today I'm trying to open your eyes the way the mind have been open to see the way that an algorithm culture is discipling us and is pulling us away from self control, which is a fruit of the spirit. And I was talking about screens which are our biggest battle for sure. And I remember a night not too long ago, I was scrolling at night, I was not having self control. I said I was just going to check a couple of things and 30 minutes later I was just scrolling and there was somebody who came across my feed. I don't know who it was because I closed the phone so fast it scared me. I wish that I could go back and find it, but it was a woman who came on and said, hey, get off your phone and go to bed. You say you're just have. You say it's just going to be a minute. You say this is self care time. You are deceiving yourself. Turn off the phone and go to bed. And so that is my message. We've got to have self control. But it is really hard. We're facing an uphill battle because there are so many ways that algorithms are influenc us to not have self control because if we don't have self control we're going to buy more stuff. And ultimately that's what online platforms are there to do. For the most part. We see this also in other unexpected ways we might see even in food culture because we see we equate food with reward, with comfort, with entertainment, with celebration. And American portion sizes are massive and sugar is hidden everywhere and we celebrate everything with food. And it can be hard that I know that is a really sensitive subject because food is meant to be for our Good and for our country, for our bodies. But food isn't the issue. It is our emotional relationship. And when we overindulge again, that's just another thing that leads back to self control. That's a lot more complicated with that. But that is just another thing to think about.
We also see this in finances, encouraging impulse buying through digital tools
We also see this in finances, encouraging impulse buying. One click, buy now, pay later, add it to your shipment coming already today. Impulse buying has never been easier. We have digital wallets, our computers save our payment info. There's all kinds of financing options that seem so attractive. And those tools, what they're doing is removing any friction from spending, removing any stop gaps. Thinking we used to think, well I don't want to pay for shipping or oh I don't have my credit card here or you know, I, I'm going to think that purchase I'll have to log into my account at home. Now everything is just buy now. And that is friction is not the enemy on those. Those are guardrails. And when money no longer feels real because it all feels like monopoly money that's just existing in our phone, it makes it even more difficult to have self control. We don't see those dollars in the envelope that we have those dollars in our wallet, you know, getting thinner and thinner. It just seems like it's all online and we might cl now at 11pm because I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm not thinking or teens are making in app purchases without understanding how much it costs. How many of you have had that happen where teens or kids have bought something on an app and you get a bill all of a sudden? Yes, that did happen to my precious in laws. I'm still sorry about that. yes, how but households are accumulating silent debt through all of these just little micro purchases. So some practical applications to have self control are removing those saved credit cards from your online account. Give yourself a guardrail to have to think about that and intentionally put in your credit card. Use a waiting period before you buy things that are discretionary. Review your purchases with your spouse, with your family and teach your kids the difference between wanting something and needing something. Let them have small budgets that then they can have control. Because I'll tell you my kids will spend my money much more freely than they'll spend their money. And I remember my daughter telling me one time buying the exact same thing that she had bought before. This is so expensive and the price has raised. And I said no, that's just the difference between my money and your money. It seems more Expensive pray before major purchases. That can be really important and helpful to do. And you know our culture. The bottom line is our culture isn't just tempting us into losing self control. It is training us us to lose our self control. But the Holy Spirit trains us differently and can help us form the fruit of self control that leads us to live wisely, to love well, to walk in freedom. Now when we talk about self control in culture, it's very negative, but self control actually leads to freedom in Christ. It is not about restriction. Self control is about liberty. It is not about limits and biblical self control. It's not about punishing yourself or depriving yourself. It is the spirit empowered ability to choose your yes, to say yes to what brings life and to say no to what is destroying it. And when we have true self control, that actually strengthens our agency. Because we can choose intentionally what aligns with our value. We can choose what brings clarity, what brings peace, what brings purpose, purpose to our lives. The goal is not to live a smaller life, a more restricted life, is to live a more abundant life knowing that God's commands are for our good and for his glory. And culture's version of freedom is a lie. It actually leads to bondage. Because culture says, hey, freedom is do whatever you want. The bondage comes when the credit card statement comes. That often leads to emotional impulsivity, relationship damage, financial stress, spiritual numbness and literal addiction. Addiction to our screens, addiction to substances to numb the pain because we're trying to hide the bills that we have. Indulging every desire trains our heart to be ruled by desires, not to rule over our desires. And without self control, we are controlled by our cravings, we are controlled by our circumstances, we are controlled by our emotions. And without even noticing, we, we surrender our autonomy, we surrender our self control to algorithms. And the modern world is training us to outsource all of our choices to automated systems. Let everything be decided for you. Algorithms are choosing what you watch, what you buy, how long you stay online, what emotions you are feeling. And the more that we rely on those systems, the more we are weakening our ability to exercise self control and discernment and, and culture is promising freedom. But let me tell you, if you can't put your phone down, if you can't stop scrolling, if you can't stop shopping, that is not freedom that is being controlled. And again, we are seeing this so much. The algorithm is controlling our attention. What we see, what we notice because algorithms have taken captive our eyes and it directs which posts appear in our Feeds, which news stories ride to the top, rise to the top, which videos autoplay, which ads are going to follow us, which opinions are going to be lifted up and which opinions are going to be silenced. Your worldview is being curated for you without your awareness or your consent because millions of us get our first news of the day from social media. And that is an algorithm that is optimized for engaging, not to bring you truth. The algorithm is controlling your emotion. It tracks your emotional response, how long you linger, what makes you angry, what do you post an angry comment about, what makes you sad or insecure. What are you holding down saying, this is a sad face, I'm responding to this in a sad way. What keeps you scrolling and that keeps you emotionally reactive because emotion and the algorithm, algorithm equals profit. And when you feel anxious, when you feel outraged, when you feel insecure, when you feel lonely, you feel addicted. We have coping behaviors that are tied to money and those things keep us online. We are seeing advertising and we're buying a solution for the problems that we're feeling. The algorithm is also controlling our behavior. Those digital platforms are designed to nudge you into an action without us thinking about it. And it's hard to be self controlled. Think about it this way. The recommended for you videos or the for you pages or the people also bought suggestions. People looking at this also looked at this. Or because you watch this, you might want to watch this or your friend likes this so you might like it too. There's only two left, so you better buy it now. We have autoplay, we have infinite scroll, we have swipe up feature features. These are all just removing any sort of friction, removing any guardrails, removing any stop gaps, any safety measures so that your behavior is automatic and you are not having to be self controlled because the algorithm is controlling your life. That is really scary. The algorithm is definitely controlling your spending. And modern advertising isn't about persuasion. It used to be that advertisements would try to persuade you, oh, you need this now. They've moved ahead of us into predicting what you will need before you even need it. They're going to predict when you're bored or stressed and have a product ready. They predict when you're emotionally vulnerable. Here's an ad. They're going to predict that, that, that using micro targeting, exploiting the impulsiveness that you have and personalizing offers down to your browsing history, to your mood. That is scary stuff. But even scarier than that, the algorithm is controlling our identity formation, who we think we are, because it shapes our Body image through what we see in that curated comment. It shapes our self worth through how many people like our content, how many people view our stuff, how share or engage with us. It shapes our beliefs, the repeated messaging that you're getting, it shapes our friendships through how we interact with them online, it shapes our values through viral content. And our identity is being shaped by algorithms creating these digital mirrors. Instead of holding up the mirror of God's word to see who we are in Christ. The algorithm is controlling our relationships because platforms decide whose posts appear in your feed, which friends see you most, who you don't see, what conversations you engage in. And it's starting to even to direct those interactions that you have. And that is algorithm driven, not self controlled, not choice driven. That is really hard. And that's why teens today are starting to feel closer to influencers than they are to family members because they're constantly being put but before them the algorithm is controlling our time because features like autoplay, infinite scrolling, push notifications for you pages, AI companions, these are all intentionally designed to take your time, to steal your time, not to give you more time. And we are spending so many hours online unintentionally, I heard earlier this year, this generation, generation Alpha and the generation behind them will die with more memories of other people's lives than their own own because they've been engaged in the online world more than they are engaged in the real world. And that losing time that, that we don't have self control to spend time with our family, to spend time sleeping, praying, working, resting, honoring the Sabbath, being creative in the ways that God has gifted us to be or having relationship. Our time is spent, it is not controlled or chosen. The algorithm is controlling what we desire because it's giving you this trending now or showcasing an influencer lifestyle. I want my house to look like theirs, I want my family to look like theirs. It pushes comparison heavy content and it trains our brain to want dopamine. We feel bad because we look at this house and our house isn't as nice. Oh, we feel better by pushing add to cart to make this what our house looks like. But friends, the algorithm is controlling our beliefs, what we think is true. And two people who search the exact same topic are going to see completely different information. And that is a scary thing because they think my online world is reality, when in fact it isn't. We see cultural division growing because of that. Outrage is normal, empathy is in very short supply. Truth is relative, moderation is, is criticized and we start to live in these false worlds. Now listen. Self control versus algorithm control. Culture says follow your impulses, follow your, follow your feed. Christ says follow me. Scripture teaches us to be transformed by the renewing of your mind, to take every thought captive. That the fruit of the Spirit is self control. Self control is freedom. Algorithm control is being hostage. And we think we're choosing, we think we are making our choices. We think we are working on self control. What we watch, what we buy, what we believe. But most of us are really being subtly shaped by an algorithm that is never sleeping. Christian self control is the way that we are to reclaim our God given autonomy and to who seek sanctification to live as people who are formed by the Holy Spirit, not formed by an algorithm. It is reclaiming that I am an image of God. I made in the image of God. I am made to think, to choose, to reason, to discern. Self control restores that dignity that we have of intentional living and honoring God with our lives. It's the spirit pulling us out of autopilot and pushing us into making purposeful decisions. That is God's way of protecting us from counterfeit freedoms. He is not withholding joy from you. He is protecting you from an enemy that is very intent on stealing your joy. Because we have all kinds of things that are masquerading. Now when we come back, I've got a lot more to share with you about self control and what we can do, what we can learn from the Bible and some practical ways that we can practice it. I will see you on the other side of this break.
Dr. Al Mohler: Our claim about scripture is verbal inspiration
Dr. Al Mohler: Here's Dr. Al Mohler from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks. You know, you think about words and whether or not they're important and we realize we can't even have a conversation without words. What's really interesting is that we can't even think to ourselves, without words. We can't explain ourselves to ourselves without words. Now that's either an accident of evolutionary biology and development or it is evidence of the fact that God made us in his image. Our claim about scripture is verbal inspiration. We, we believe that the Holy Spirit inspired the very words of, scripture and every word being fully inspired. And so here the Bible tells us that we are God's creatures made in his image. And what distinguishes us from other creatures? Well, at least in part, the use of words. Visit thegodwhospeaks.org.
Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham: How I long to breathe the air of heaven where pain is gone and mercy fills the streets to look upon the one who bled to save me and walk with him for all eternity. There will be a day when all will bow before him. There will be a day when death will be no more. Standing face to face with He who died and rose again. Holy, holy is the Lord.
One day I will be reunited with my precious granny
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham. And that is really the cry of my heart today. Don't you look around the world sometimes? And even today, as we're talking on, this Ask doctor Nurse Mama Friday, where I'm, answering the question, how can we be more self controlled? You look around and you think, it's impossible. We can't do it. It is hopeless. But friend, it is not hopeless. We live in a world where God has provided us such a hope that will not disappoint even in hearing that song. How I long to breathe the air of heaven. One day we will. One day I will be reunited with my precious granny. I will be there. She will tell me all of the things that happened before I got there. I can't wait for that. That is the reality that we are living for. We are living to know that this life is just a breath. It's a whisper. It is just a fleeting moment. And then we will be with the Lord forever. But here, while we are on earth, we are to run the race that is set before us. And we are to run with endurance. And today, one of those things that is required for endurance is self control. That's what we're talking about today. It is God's way, way not of repressing you, of restricting you, of punishing you. It is God's way of protecting you from a counterfeit freedom. He is not withholding joy from you. And when we see the messages of culture today, we say, we see that addiction masquerades as comfort and overindulgence masquerades a celebration and digital stimulation masquerades as connection. And Jesus came to be. He is the true, the way, the truth and the life. And when we practice self control, a, fruit of the spirit, it trains, trains us for greater spiritual freedom. You become free from once what? Once, once ruled over you. Whether that's anger, whether that is jealousy, whether that is anxiety, whether it's comparison, you become free for what matters most. That is growing in the knowledge of Jesus Christ. That is being present for your family, that is loving others well. That is serving your community. Self control builds resilience. It builds emotional regulation. It gives us spiritual clarity. And it trains our hearts to follow God, not to follow our feed you are free to respond wisely, not to react. You are free to forgive instead of explode. You are free to wait rather than to rush into something. You are free to love sad sacrificially rather than to love in a way that just protects yourself. You're free to say yes to your values and no to your impulses. Self control is a key pillar of discipleship because following Jesus requires choice. And it will cost you something, but it will gain you everything that matters. Jesus calls us to deny ourselves because we are beloved by God. Following him. Following him requires us to be self controlled, to respond with intention, not to just live by impulse and whatever feels good in the moment. The Spirit forms self control so that we can walk faithfully. We've got to recognize the ways that culture is shaping us every day and choose instead to be shaped by discipleship. Now, I've talked about this a lot, about being influenced and discipled by the algorithm. We've got to choose people who are walking with us in everyday life, who are going to call us out when we need to be called out, who are going to give us conviction, who are going to give us truth, who are going to be there when it's hard, encourage us when we fall, point us back to truth. And if we don't actively curate self control in our lives, culture is going to do that by default because someone is always discipling you. It's either Jesus Christ or it's the culture, it's the Holy Spirit or it's the algorithm on your phone. It's intentionality or it's just the whims of impulsiveness. And self control allows you to choose. The paradox of is that self control is the pathway to freedom in the Holy Spirit. Galatians call self control a fruit of the Spirit. It doesn't say a burden or a punishment. It is a fruit of the Spirit. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. And Paul says the Spirit empowers us to live free from that bondage of slavery, of sinful impulses. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is. I know I'm feeling that song, right? I'm singing that song in my head. Freedom. Freedom from compulsion, freedom from bondage, freedom from addiction, freedom from the consequences of our sin. And culture teaches us that freedom is, hey, do whatever you want, do what feels good in the moment. Jesus teaches that freedom is found in self control and the fruits of the Spirit. And God calls his people to a better way. We see that Proverbs 25:28 says, Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self control. Titus. Titus tells us that grace teaches us to live self controlled lives. And of course in First Corinthians, Paul disciplines his body and and talks about athletes, which my husband loves by the way, because he thinks there's no sports analogy. That cannot be a good encouragement. But we see so many biblical examples of self control. When Joseph resisted temptation despite being emotionally pressured. When Daniel pray. Practice discipline habits and pray through prayer, through diet, through devotion. When Jesus resisted Satan's temptations through scripture. When we see Samson who was destroyed by an uncontrolled desire. We saw Esau, who traded his birthright for instant gratification. We saw David, a man after God's own heart who still suffered greatly from lapses that mainly related to the lack of self control. Self control protects your relational health by reducing conflict by m increasing trust in your relationship. It makes you emotionally healthier by helping regulate those emotional reactions, helping you not be as impulsive. It improves your social health because you have more empathy, you're less selfish. It improves your mental health by making you more resilient and reducing anxiety that always comes comes with impulsive sinful choices. And it helps your physical health, it helps your spiritual health. There are so many ways that it happens, but it doesn't happen on its own. It is not just going to happen some way magically. It is formed by intentional choices made in community, especially in families. And when adults in the family lack self control, children are going to absorb that emotional volatility. They experience inconsistent boundaries, they see a culture of overindulgence, they start to develop a lack of resilience and they have a difficulty and tolerating any discomfort. And families today are living exhausted. We are over scheduled, we are over committed, we are overstimulated, we are undernourished spiritually and a lot of times nutritionally, we are undernourished. In sleep and that environment. Self control becomes even harder because we're so. We're living on a ragged edge and we just don't have it in us. But here's the hope. Scripture gives us both the vision and the power for self control. God never says you have to do it on your own, you have to do it in your own strength. He promises help through the Holy Spirit, through the wisdom of his Word, through the encouragement of godly communion, community. And you can take steps to teach self control without shame because it is not magically inherited. It is best learned in a home where you have grace and structure and emotional safety. And children aren't going to learn it because they're getting into trouble, because they know that they're going to be punished. They learn it best when they trust the adults who are modeling it and teaching them. So narrate your own process in real time. When you're trying to teach self control to your kids. Kids, kids are going to learn through something called co regulation, not lectures. It's co regulation. We're teaching them in real time, narrating our own strategies. Then kids internalize it as a tool. So instead of saying you need to have more self control, you need to not hit your sister, you need to not, you know, do whatever it is that you're doing, you say things like, hey, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. So I'm taking a pause, I'm taking a deep breath, I'm going to pray here, let's pray together.
Another way you can help your families to adopt self control is create some predictable routines
You say, hey, I really want to buy this. I see this advertisement, I really want to buy it. But you know what, I'm going to wait about it, I'm going to wait on it, I'm going to think about it first. I'm going to talk to your dad. That's what I try to do. I'm going to wait 24 hours. That's a way to co regulate. You can say I'm feeling frustrated. When I'm feeling frustrated and when my attitude is bad, I start to think about what I'm grateful for. So I'm going to say I'm grateful for 1, 2, 3 and 4. Or you could say my body feels tense, I need a pause, I need to go on a walk. That's what I'm going to do. When my body feels tense, I'm going to work out some of that energy and that's the control I have rather than losing control. Because we all know as parents we've lost control in that moment. Nothing feels worse as a parent than to lose it. And then look at the sweet faces of your kids and just see all of that emotional carnage just splattered all over their sweet little faces. It's terrible. But what we can do in co regulating is normalizing emotional struggles, saying yes, I struggle, but here is the script for self control. Here's how we regulate in a controlled and healthy way instead of just shame based self silence. Another way you can help your families to adopt self control is create some predictable routines. Structure reduces chaos, it reduces that impulsivity, that explosion that can happen. And when there's clear expectations, there's going to be fewer meltdowns fewer behavior explosions. Because kids brains aren't constantly wondering what's going to happen next. Is this going to be the trigger? Are they about to cross over? And this is the moment where they lose it. It. So create those rhythms. We talked about those all in the spring. Go back. If you feel like that's something that you need. Go back. Create those rhythms. Predictability actually strengthens the prefrontal cortex in the brain, the part of the brain that is responsible for decision making, for delaying gratification, for impulse control. Another thing you can do is model waiting. Let them see you choose patience. Pause before you respond. When you're irritated, just wait. And because kids are going to do what we do, not as much as what we say, we can teach delayed gratification. Also through play. It doesn't have to be always bringing the hammer. It can grow through repetition and low stakes. Practice. You can do red light, green light. You can do a, freeze. Everybody freeze and, and just freeze for a moment. Everybody pause and then try again. You can have. Have Simon says. Or you can play board games that help you practice patience and self control. I remember one of my children, we were. My husband and I were playing a board game with this child who shall remain nameless. But this child was very frustrated when they were younger and lost and didn't want to play again. We said, oh no, we're going to play not until you win, but until you learn self control. And we made it fun. And that's a lesson that you can have. Finish this task before we play. Save the fun part for last. Let's do. Let's have some fun and give allowances in small increments. Help them save for bigger things. Have jars that are labeled spend and save and give those things that control their money. Let's have dessert after dinner. Fun creates neurological reinforcement. Kids learn better when they're having fun. They learn that learning and waiting is not a punishment, it's a skill. And when we guide those emotions in our families, name it and claim it, name those emotions, it looks like you're feeling disappointed. What can you do to cope with that? What can we help you do to support you with that? Your face is telling me you're angry. I see that hurt your feelings. It's okay to feel upset and then talk through the self control. Coaching the self control with coping. Let's take three breaths. Let's stomp our feet. Instead of hitting, let's use words to tell me what you need. Children learn that emotions are information that tells them they have A choice in how they respond. That emotion is a piece of information. I feel sad. What do I do with this information? I'm going to choose how I respond. But it's so important to celebrate progress and not perfection. Self control is a slow growing fruit. And when kids are praised for trying to, it's so encouraging. When you're shamed for failing, you give up. So instead of, you should know better. You never listen. Stop acting like a baby. Say things like, hey, you worked hard to calm down. I saw you pause before you reacted. That was great. You're getting stronger at waiting. I love how you tried. Again. This works because praise focuses on process, that forms resilience.
Teach self control with grace instead of shame. That's important without being legalistic
Praise that focuses on perfection, it just makes anxiety when you fall short. Self control is a fruit of the spirit. It is not a fruit of fear. And we need to be that way, encouraging in that way with our family. Teach self control with grace instead of shame. Giving them a gift that culture is certainly not offering. On the algorithm, there is no instacart delivery of a steady heart, a clear mind, loving words, confidence that we can choose wisely. That's important to do without being legalistic. We're not performing. We are being sanctified. And I pray that you will do that. Self control is not a burden. It's a blessing. It is not the enemy of freedom. It is the path to freedom. And in a world that encourages us to indulge in every desire, self control is a really radical, beautiful, amazing act of worship. And I personally pray that as you pray about God revealing to you in your life how to walk in the flourishing that he intends to be self controlled. I pray that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace and self control. And I'll see you right back here on Monday. I can't wait.
Jeff Chamblee: The views and opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
