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 : and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite time of day getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. Listen, I don't know if you are on spring break or if you are off of spring. Spring break. If you don't have a spring break. All are welcome here today. And listen, we are in that spring season and that means we're right around the corner from April we'll be having shareathon, which is our one of two times a year where we come to honor our listener supporters. We're so grateful for each and every one of you. You all are amazing and Share-a-thon is my favorite three days of the year that I get to do two times. And we're looking for your stories. We are gathering stories now to play during our spring share a thon and we would really like to hear from you. Has the Lord used American Family Radio in your life? Have we been there, given you just the right encouragement, the right word, the right prayer at the right time? We would love to hear you share your story. All you have to do is call in to our listener storyline. It will be a recorded message that you can leave and you may Hear yourself during Shareathon, but we would love to share those stories of hope. The number is 877-876-8893. I'm going to give you that one more time. 877-876-8893. We would love to hear your AFS, AFR story and it could be such, a blessing and encouragement to others. We want to hear about how Christ has used AFR in your life. So just call just a minute or two and we would love to feature your story. That's one of our favorite things to do when you.

Author Becky Harling shares practical advice on cultivating Christian friendships

Well, listen as we're talking, we're going to talk about friendships today. And friendship is something that everybody needs. And when I was talking with my husband's grandfather, who was a World War II veteran. He has gone on to be with Jesus. But during his later years, he came and talked to one of my children's classrooms and it was really beautiful. He was 98 at the time. And I brought him to the classroom and we videoed him. And he was giving advice to this group of elementary school students. Beautiful, beautiful thing. And one of the questions that they asked him was, what advice would you give to us? What do you think that, you know, that you have wisdom to share and what we can do. And you know what he said? He said, one of the things that I don't see today is people having a buddy. He said, in the army, everybody's got a buddy. And you never leave your buddy. And everybody has one friend. And we see friendship so fragmented today and friendship happening online and parents, no, mamas, who are dealing with friendship drama among their kids and with the ourselves as well. There's so many times where I'll tell my daughters, navigating those young female friendships and saying, you know what? I am, how old am I now? And I'm still dealing with some of the same issues. But, if you're young, if you are, more seasoned and mature, it doesn't matter. Boy, girl, man, woman, we all need friendships. And we are seeing an epidemic of loneliness and disconnection that is shaping our cultures. And even among families and co workers and communities, people are lonely. And it may not look like they're lonely, but as followers of Jesus, we are called to love in ways that reflect God's heart and entering friendships from a place of security in Christ. And today we're joined by author Becky Harling. She has written the book that I have here with me, Friend Wise, Practical Ideas for Richer Relationships. And Becky shares biblically grounded guidance on cultivating friendships that are marked by wisdom, grace, and depth. And she draws from her own experience that she had during a cancer treatment, discovering how relationships can take on new significance when they are approached intentionally and prayerfully. Becky, so happy to have you on the show. Thanks for joining us.

Becky Harling: Hey, Jessica, it is great to be with you.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, tell us a little bit about yourself. Just introduce yourself to our listeners. Tell them about who you are, how you came to know the Lord, and how he gave you this message here to share with us today.

Becky Harling: Yeah, so I am Becky Harling. I am married to Steve Harling. We have been married for 46 years, maybe 47 now.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Congratulations. That's amazing.

Becky Harling: Thank you. It is amazing. And we have four grown kids, and we have 14 grandkids. And I am madly in love with all these people. They're amazing. So that's the. My life. I am a cancer survivor, which I share about a little bit. And. And I'm really, I love people and I really want to spend more time cultivating my friendships because at the end of the day, you know, that's what people are looking for.

I was diagnosed with cancer in my 40s, actually my young 40s

Dr. Jessica Peck: Becky, I'm so glad that you're talking about this. I feel like your book is really meeting a moment here because one of the things I've been talking about a lot is the rise of AI artificial intelligence, or AL, as my mom called, my mother in law calls it. She thinks it's a big A and a little L. But anyway, that's a story for another day. But it's. But really what we see is people turning online for companionship. And AI companions are becoming increasingly normal, and we're starting to lose that skill of in person relationships with messy humans who have flaws, who fail, who sin, who have struggles. But we are there to bear one another's burdens. And that can be, that can be really challenging. You've shared a little bit about your own cancer journey. I'd love to share with you. M. to have you share some more, because I feel like sometimes, sometimes when we walk through situations in life like that, it gives us a moment of clarity that maybe otherwise we're just kind of numbed out to the way that society is changing the ways that we're having friendships.

Becky Harling: Yeah. And so I was diagnosed with cancer in my 40s, actually my young 40s. And my husband and I were still very much in the thick of raising kids. And yet I was really busy. In fact, I remember at one point telling the doctor, oh, we have to hurry up and get this surgery done, you know, because I'm scheduled to speak at this conference, and I'll never forget my doctor looking at me saying, you know, I don't really care what contract you're under. You have cancer and this is going to change your life. And she was right. She was right. And during that time, as I faced my own mortality, I began thinking, what is really important in my life? and it's not accomplishments, you know, it was, I want a deeper relationship with God, I want a deeper relationship with my husband and my kids, and I want to spend more time with friends. Because here's the thing, at your funeral, nobody's going to talk about what you accomplished, because they're not. They don't really care. About that, what they care about is how well did you love them, how well did you serve them, how what kind of friend were you to other people? So it really changed how I did friendships after that.

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, my. Both of my grandparents have passed away in the last couple of years and I remember walking through their house after they had passed away. My grandfather was a civic leader and very accomplished and had a lot of plaques and awards and things like that. And you know what, it was really interesting, Becky, because as I walked through the house, those are still there. Those were not the first things that people went to go and take. And it doesn't take away from what he did because he did a lot of good for the community. But really what they wanted was those, you know, special things that were tokens and mementos of friendship, of relationship, of love, of connection. And I think in this world today, where we're so digitally connected but relationally disconnected, people are craving that. What are we missing out on when we don't intentionally cultivate healthy friendships and

Becky Harling: our life, you know, we're missing out on the way God created us. He really created us to live in relationship with other people. And you know, digitally, the Internet obviously can serve a purpose. I mean, you and I right now are connecting on the Internet. However, you go a lot deeper with a person when you're in person with them. when your eyes are connecting, there's a level of empathy there that really stimulates your brain and, and helps you to funct better in life, you know. And we can't find that just in digital relationships. You were talking about your grandfather and I remember my grandmother, I used to spend 10 days or a week or 10 days with her every summer in the city, in New York City. Every afternoon at 3 o' clock, she would have her best friend over for coffee every afternoon, you know, and we called that friend Aunt Isabel. She wasn't related to us. But I think like today, who, who's making time to have coffee with their friends every day? You know, we're so hurried as a culture, so busy and you know, I think the Internet has really sped up our lives in a lot of ways so that we're not really engaging in the deeply meaningful relationships and friendships that we were designed to enjoy.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I feel like our grandmothers must be having tea in heaven together because they sound like kindred spirits, you know, Becky, my granny was the same. So she would get up every morning and she would get dressed and she would go and unlock her front door. It sounds wildly radical. And I know. I can hear all the Gen Z saying, like, but that's not safe. You've got to keep your front door locked. Yeah, she did. She lived in a community that, you know, just wasn't like that. And anybody knew they could just walk into her house. And she had a really good group of girlfriends that would just come and go all the time. They just lived life together. Like that one of them might show up with a quilt they were working on and just lay it across their table, and they just sit there. Maybe if she wasn't working on something, she'd just have coffee or tea or whatever it was, and people could know that they could just come in and out all the time. We also called them Aunt whoever, even though they weren't our aunts, because it was all just like, that's who it was. We had Aunt Raechel and. And everybody. And I. I really wish that I lived in that kind of friendship, but I don't. And I feel like.

One of the things you do really well in your book is you emphasize intentionality

Becky, one of the things you do really well in your book is you emphasize intentionality. So often we feel so lonely, and our heart and our soul aches, and we think, why? Why can't God send me a friend? I just want a friend. I want to have a friend. But the truth is, we have to be a good friend to get a good friend. And so how do we. Why do people struggle to be intentional? How can we be more intentional and saying, yeah, I want that. I want to live like my granny. How could I move that? Move to be that way?

Becky Harling: you know, I think there are a couple of reasons why people struggle with it. The first one is busyness. Obviously, you know, we're so. We're so hurried as a society. You know, we jet in and out of our driveways, and maybe we do a quick wave to our neighbors, and then we're off to the next meeting. I also think that people today have gotten paralyzed by their loneliness. You know, it's like they can't think beyond the loneliness. So it's like, God, send me a friend. Send me a friend. But, you know, I hear God in heaven saying, yeah, but, like, you need to reach out, like, taking a little initiative here. You know, invite a friend to coffee, invite a friend to lunch.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Absolutely.

Becky Harling: Ah, somebody over to your house for dinner. It doesn't have to be a fancy dinner. It could be pizza and some pop, you know, and just reach out to people and seek to get to know them, and you will find friends, because that's the way we're wired that is

Dr. Jessica Peck: the way that we're wired. And I. I certainly saw my granny do that. And just always reaching out to people, always inviting people over. And everybody that she met, her. Her name was Granny. She would just introduce her, like, I'm Granny. That's if I need to be your granny, I'll be your granny. But she would be friends with that. I was so great. And so, like, when she passed away, you know, everybody called her Granny. That was it. Like, oh, Granny made cookies for me when there was actually one time where, I had been in her home, and someone had broken into it because it was actually vacant after they had passed away. And we called the police, and the police came over, and, you know, of course, they're all like, business at first, right? Making sure everything's safe and everything. But after he had done his investigation in the police office, officer came back to me with tears in his eyes, and he said, your granny was such a good friend to me. He said, my wife passed away young, and she told me, every man should have a woman who makes cookies for him. And I will be that woman for you until you find another woman. Isn't that. I know. Okay, so you just. Becky, we just became friends because you gave me opportunity to talk about my granny, which is so precious.

Becky Harling: Well, and that's intentional. She brought cookies, right? So, like, we have to get back to some of the easy things, the. The simple things like bringing chicken soup to your sick, or, you know, make cookies. If you're a baker and you can do it well. And if you can't, go to a bakery, box up. but, you know, just, like, reach out. Because people are dying for friends.

Dr. Jessica Peck: They really are. I love the thought about being intentional. And so often we say that we're too busy, we don't have time. But the truth is, if you look at how much time you're engaging in your screens, how much screen time you have, how much time you're spending on your phone, I think think we have a lot more time than we think. And listen, these foundational principles are reminding us. I'm so grateful to Becky for reminding us today that friendship is not just about sharing activities. It is about hearts that are anchored in God. It is about a willingness to invest intentionally. And so I encourage everybody listening to take just a moment to reflect. Are your friendships grounded in security and purpose? Or are they just kind of drifting along, waiting to see how someone will serve you? I know I'm stepping on toes here today. It's really tough, but if you are Struggling with this and you want some help and hope. Get the book friend-wise Practical Ideas for Richer Relationships. And we'll be right back with more from Becky Harling. Don't go away. We'll see you right after this break. Abortion moves fast and right now in our communities, women are being pressured to make irreversible decisions. In moments of fear and panic, they're told to act quickly or risk losing support. And many feel they have no other option. But because of you, they do. At PreBorn Network clinics, a woman receives what the abortion industry will  never offer compassion without pressure, clarity about the life growing inside her and real support to welcome her baby and the hope of the gospel. She's given a free ultrasound and space to breathe. And more than 80% of the time when a mother sees her baby on a preborn ultrasound, she chooses life. This March, PreBorn is believing to save 6,800 babies, but it will take 124 partners saying yes every day. I'm asking you to pause your busy day for just a moment and become a, yes right now. Just $28 provides one ultrasound. $140 helps five mothers. Every dollar helps save babies and share hope. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250 baby or visit preborn.com/AFR- that's preborn.com/AFR.

This Is My Father's World by The Worship Initiative: This is my father's world and to my listening ears all nature sings and round me rings the music of the spheres. This is my father's world I rest me in the thought of rocks and trees of skies and seas His hand the wonders wrought

Today we're talking all things friendship, especially as you're changing life stages

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is this is my father's World by the worship initiative. And today we're talking all things friendship. And this is a tender topic for some. I know that as parents, many of us have sat beside the beds of our children as they cry at night and pray for God to bring them a friend as they struggle with loneliness. And many of us know what it's like to struggle with loneliness, especially as you're changing life stages. I know I experienced that when I, I went to being, all of a sudden in four years I had, I had, in five years I had four babies and, and I was a really busy mom and some of my friendships had to change around that. And I remember being around people but still feeling lonely. And then your friendships change as you go into empty nesters, you retire as you, whatever life stage you're in. We all need friends. Friends are great for a marriage. It's great for women to have women friends, for men to have men friends, to meet some of those needs that God has put in us. And that's what we' about today.

Sometimes assumptions can create conflict or false narratives in a friendship

To my new friend, Becky Harling. She's the author of Friendwise Practical Ideas for Richer Relationships. And I know I hear from listeners about friendship conflict. Becky, we hear about this all the time. And so let's dive into that and talk about some of the things that you address in your book and some of the things you just have from your lived experience. Because friendship, you know, or marriage, even marriage is a friendship as well. If you have 47 years, like, you've got some serious street cred with me, I want to hear all of the things from you. But sometimes there are assumptions that can slowly create conflict or false narratives in a friendship. And I experienced this as a young mom. I had a really good friend that I had before I had kids, and we went to lunch very frequently, and we engaged in a lot of social things. We. We did a lot of things together. And after I had babies, I started to feel bad because I was like, okay, I can't do that. I feel too stressed. I feel too emotional. But I didn't really know how to have that conversation. So it just. She felt like, you know, I was just like, didn't want her as a friend anymore. And it was so, so hard. How, when should we cons. What would.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Should we consider before we make assumptions about a friend's words or actions?

Becky Harling: You know, we have to start by understanding that we don't know what's going on in somebody else's mind. I think a lot of times we think we do. You know, so we make up stories in our heads. You know, our, friend cancels on us, and we think, well, she just doesn't care about the friendship like I do, or she doesn't value this as much as I do. And the truth is, maybe her kid got sick and she can't meet for lunch, or maybe she's overwhelmed in her marriage. You know, maybe she and her husband just had a big fight that morning, and she just wants to think about that for a while. We can't make meaning, because the bottom line is we don't know what's going on in somebody else's head. And so instead, we need to choose to assume the best about that person that doesn't necessarily want to get rid of me as a friend. They just can't get together today, but maybe another time they can assume the best about people. And you're going to have a lot more friends.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I remember even one time specifically with my brother, who I consider to be my friend. And when we, were in college age, what he gave me for my birthday was to go to dinner and a movie together. And I was delighted by this. I thought this was the most amazing thing and. But he kept kind of, you know, dodging when we were supposed to go. And then one day we set up a time to go and he actually ghosted me. Like, didn't show up and then didn't answer calls or anything. And I was just thinking, like, okay, see, he doesn't want to spend time with me. Like, I made up a huge story in my head. But what I found out later, and actually, I'm ashamed to say it wasn't until years later is that he actually was trying so hard to scrounge up enough money to take me, but did not have any money. Like, was just. Just flat broke and too embarrassed to admit it, you know, and it was really such a. It was such an eye opener for me on that perspective and having assumptions. Now, what I see sometimes, Becky, is I see and I'm. I'm going to talk to about moms and daughters because girl drama is a real thing. And sometimes what I see, yes, is moms who are really getting involved in the girl drama and like, kind of feeding those assumptions. Because in some ways, especially if you're in those teen years and you're having some conflict with your own teen daughter, it can feel good. Because all of a sudden I'm on your side, like, oh, yeah, oh, Sarah. Oh, we do not like Sarah. Like, all of a sudden you have a common enemy. How do we resist that as moms and like, be the grown up in the situation?

Becky Harling: Oh, man, you're talking my, my story. I. I mean, I think it takes maturity and it takes asking the Holy Spirit to take over. I mean, I'm going to be gut level Honest with you, because that's what we do, right?

Becky Harling says moms need to talk to the Holy Spirit when dealing with conflict

So, okay. Just this past weekend, you know, I'm fiercely loyal to my grandkids. And, you know, I have a grandson who didn't start on his soccer team this past Saturday, and he has always started, you know, And I was like, we're just gonna be done with this coach, you know, and, past this, right? And so I understand moms wanting to be loyal to their kids, to their grandkids, you know, but in that situation, we need to talk to the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit, dial me back. Help me to understand that I don't understand Everything that's going on here. And, you know, girl drama is a big thing. And so rather than coming out with the extremes, okay, we're not going to like her together. That's not the best. Best for your daughter, right? So instead we could say things like, hey, why don't we pray about this situation? Why don't we ask God, you know, if this is a good friend for you? You know, because it might not be. It might be a time where you need to back up a little and see what happens. And that doesn't mean you have to be mean or unkind. It may mean that you just need a little distance, you know, but as moms, we do have to be careful, you know, because we can dive, myself included, like I did this past Saturday, you know, and then I had to go to the Lord and say, lord, forgive me, what in the world? I'm supposed to be past this, you know, so, you know, and God is always gracious. Isn't that good, Jessica?

Dr. Jessica Peck: So good. Oh, it's so good. And it's so good, Becky, to hear you be so gut level, honest, as you say. I mean, because we're all there. And that's what I tell my kids. You know, you got to learn these skills to deal with it now, but because it's something you're going to be dealing with your whole life. And I do think, generally speaking, that boys do a little better job at conflict resolution. I learned this.

Becky Harling: I did, too.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I was a mom of girls. First. I had two girls and then two boys. And my boys would, like, beat the living tar out of each other when they were little, you know, and then get up and hug and be like, okay, what are we gonna do together? And they, they can kind of brush it off better. But conflict is inevitable in any friendship. And I have concerns, Becky, because these AI companions, they're programmed to not have conflict. And I feel like it's pushing kids towards those preferring those kinds of relationships instead of messy relationships. Whether that's siblings, whether that's marriage, whether that's friendships, all of those encompass some form of friendship. How. What are God honoring ways to address and resolve conflict?

Becky Harling: You know, I think part of God's design is for us to interact with other humans. So I would say, first of all, if you are a parent and you're listening to this, keep your kids away from AI as much as you can and guide them into real relationships, even those that are messy are better for your kids than just interacting with robots. But on top of that, like, when you're in a conflict with a friend, you know, put the pause in. Pause and pray. Holy Spirit, right now I pray that you would take over my mouth because it's usually our mouth that gets us in trouble, right? And instead of talking a lot in a conflict, which your narrative and start listening a lot. You know, I was born to talk, right? I talk for a living basically. And so I mean, if I'm in a conflict and I go into self defensive mode, I'm going to be tempted to talk fast to prove my point. Instead, the Holy Spirit is inviting me to talk less and listen more. And so when we tune our hearts to listen to the other person, we're trying to understand their perspective in the conflict. And so I would say pause and pray. Listen more than you talk. Use phrases like tell me more. What was that like for you? Help me understand and then apologize where you need to. I mean, there's this concept of repairing relationships and sometimes that means you're going to have to apologize. And I think it's a good question to ask ourselves because we are human. When was the last time I genuinely apologized for something? You know, so we need to learn to apologize and then reaffirm the friendship. Hey, this friendship means a lot to me. I don't want distance here. So what can we do to make this work? Because I really love and value you as a friend, you know, so much

Dr. Jessica Peck: of what you're saying, Becky. I feel like people would listen and think, yeah, that's common sense sense. Like that's of course what you should do. But it is not what we do. And we are shaped by a culture working against us. So one of the things that I follow is the word of the year. And when I started following this, I think it was in 2009. I'll have to check and make sure my memory serves me correctly, But I think 2009 was the word of the year for the word unfriend. It didn't exist really before that. And it came to me initially to, to not be friends with someone on a social platform anymore. Like to disconnect them from your social platform. But I believe, Becky, that that carries over into real relationships. That kind of thought. Oh yeah, when we text people, you can ghost people, you can unfriend them, you can, you know, just whatever, whatever terminology now that has. It's just kind of this society of once that friend no longer serves you anymore, you can discard them, like just walk away because. Because it's such a self centered perspective.

Becky Harling: Don't you Think it totally is. we live in the cancel culture, and so if you don't agree with me on everything, I can just cancel you. And that's really. That really started online to your point about how do we live in real relationships? That started online, and that should not be part of our relationships, you know, if. If at all possible. Like Paul said says, we're to pursue peace with one another and we're to keep the friendship. I don't have to agree with you on everything. You don't have to agree with me on everything. But we want to try to keep our friendship because that's a gift and a treasure. You know, I don't think we were talking a little while ago in the first segment about our grandmothers. I don't think our grandmothers canceled people. I mean, they had people they preferred over others, but they didn't just go around canceling people. That's really a new thing, like you said.

Dr. Jessica Peck: It's so true. No, my granny never canceled anybody. But she might have blessed your heart a few times because, you know, that's what we do down here. It was just like. I mean, I would look at her and say, like, okay, you're. You're friends with her, and she's like, oh, bless her heart. She just needs a friend, you know, and she would just rise to the occasion. But I. I agree with you, Becky. I think that, you know, when I look at the example of Jesus, and of course, you know, he had the 12 disciples, and let's look at Peter denying him at his crucifixion.

Becky Harling: Yep, that was.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's a pretty big betrayal. That is a rupture, but that rupture and repair. And, you know, you read the passage where Jesus restored Peter. I mean, I think if that's the model and friendship that we're having, looking at overall over time, you know, that we're spurring each other onto good works, that's a beautiful thing. And I think there are people who are too quick to say no contact, just cut them off, you know, that we need to really be thoughtful about. About that. This isn't just a product or a. A thing. This is an actual person. But at the same time, we'll look at the other side of the equation. Sometimes healthy boundaries are necessary in friendship. Sometimes we do have to set those boundaries. How does. How do boundaries. How can you use them to strengthen relationships? Because people get real nervous when they think about setting a boundary. It's like, all or nothing. Like, you're either no contact or nothing. Like there's nothing in between. Between.

Becky Harling: So I heard an old saying years ago from a friend of mine who happened to have been a therapist, and she said, boundaries make good neighbors, which they absolutely do, right? You know, where your property line starts and where your neighbors starts. And that makes good friendship as well. Because the problem is, if we don't set any boundaries in our. In our friendships, we end up resenting the friend rather than really loving them, right? Because we think, oh, that person's asking too much of me. And I keep giving in. And then we start using, like, a victim, type of speech, like, well, I can't say no. Well, yes, you can. You can say no in a really nice way. You know, I like to teach women to say the sweet no. You know, and sometimes when I'm with a live audience, I say, let's practice together. You know, it's just, no, I can't do that right now. And that's okay. You know, that's a boundary. It doesn't mean you're ending the friendship. It just means you know your limits. Jesus knew limits, right? I mean, in Mark 1, it's one of my favorite stories, Jessica, where the disciples come to him and they're all wiggy, you know, and they're kind of bent out of shape because everybody's looking for Jesus. And Jesus, you know, after hearing them out, says, let's go to another town. That's why I've come. I mean, he doesn't even engage with their wonkiness. I love that, you know, he just is like, no, so let's move on. And it's okay. It's okay to set healthy, loving boundaries because it'll make your friendship stronger.

Dr. Jessica Peck: In the end, I think we're just losing our ability to have that healthy conflict resolution, and we just choose distance and silence and passive aggressive communication techniques instead of just speaking up and saying, this is the boundary that I need. And I can think of so many times when I have done that, Becky, and it's been so great. You know, most of the time, the other person is going to say, oh, oh, I see that now. Oh, of course. Yes, absolutely.

Listen to AFR wherever you go with the AFR app

Let's talk about how that is. Like, at least I'm not making up this own narrative in my own mind. It doesn't exist. And that can be really helpful. Well, listen, when we come back, we're going to talk about a concept called over functioning and friendships. And what does that mean? What can you do about it? And we'll also talk about envy and jealousy, if you want to know. More. Get the book Friend-Wise Practical Ideas for Richer Relationships by Becky Harling. Listen, I believe very firmly everybody needs a friend. And that's what we're talking about. And we'll keep talking about it after this break. See you in a minute.

 : The AFR app is a powerful tool, but it does have limitations. You can't use it to change the oil in your vehicle or get rid of carpet stains. It won't walk the dog, won't pick up the dry cleaning or take the kids to practice. But while you're doing those things, you can listen to your favorite AFR content through the app on your phone, smart device or Roku. Just go to your app store or visit afr.net Listen to AFR wherever you go with the AFR app.

You've Already Won by Shane & Shane: No matter what comes my way, I will overcome. Don't know what you're doing, but I know what you done. And I'm fighting a battle you've already won.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back friends. That is you've already won by Shane & Shane and friend.

The battle of friendship is something that many of us face today

I don't know what battle you are facing today. I know that many of you, most of you, all of you are facing some sort of battle. Maybe it's big, maybe it's small, maybe it's short, maybe it's really extended. But one of the battles that we frequently face today is the battle of friendship. Everybody longs to have a good friend, a good buddy, somebody who gets you. And I always talk about five friends that you need in your life. Five people that you need in your life. An intercessor. Someone to pray for you. A counselor. Counselor. Someone to give you wise advice. A, ride or die. Somebody who is going to just love you no matter what. Somebody who's in the same boat, going through the same thing that you are going through. And a healthcare provider you literally trust with your life. It's important for us to be intentional about cultivating those friendships around us. And sometimes that can be hard when we feel like, well, the only time we have is with our kids sports team. So those are our friends for right now. You really need to cultivate friendships with people who are going to, going to spur you on to good works, who are going to help you grow in grace and the grace and admonition and training of the Lord. You need people who are going to speak truth in your life. A true friend that sticks closer than a brother. And of course, the best friend is Jesus. But my new friend today who's talking about this is Becky Harling. She's the author of friend wise, practical ideas for richer relationships.

Over functioning is when you do for somebody else what they could be doing for themselves

And Becky, before the break, I told everybody we were going to talk about this conference concept of over functioning. And I think so many people are going to relate to this. You're going to call a lot of people out here, so the floor is yours, my friend.

Becky Harling: Well, let me just start by saying I am a recovering over functioner, if that's even a word. But over functioning is when you do for somebody else what they could be doing for themselves. As mothers, we do this all the time, right? We, we want to make sure our kids don't hurt. So, I mean, I remember time where one of our sons forgot his homework consistently and I didn't want him to have to miss recess, so I just took it over to the school. And then my husband was like, we got to stop doing this. He needs to miss recess. So he remembers his homework tomorrow, you know.

Dr. Jessica Peck: What was I doing though?

Becky Harling: I was. Oh yeah, it was. And I was over functioning. We over function in friendships in similar ways. We take responsibility for things that we really shouldn't. You know, maybe two of your friends are in a conflict conflict with each other, and it's making you nervous, so you step in and try to solve their conflict just so that everybody's happy again. And, and you can't because it's their conflict, it's not yours. Another way we sometimes over function is maybe, you know, our friend is sick and they're not calling the doctor and you think they should, so you just call the doctor for them and set it up for them. You're over functioning. You know, we need to stay in our lane. And the real problem with over functioning is that we're not trusting God enough to take care of the people that we love. And God wants us to be able to trust him and relax in his sovereignty. And when we over function, it's like, God, you might need a little help handling this, so let me just step in and help you, you know, but that God wants us to relax in his ability, ability to govern the universe without us.

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, I firmly believe, Becky, that God gives us friends for seasons. There are some rare treasures, some gems of lifelong friends, friends that you have since childhood and that stick with you through the whole ride. But there are other friends who come and go in different seasons of your life. And I believe that can be a beautiful thing. And when you're talking about over functioning, sometimes I think we really get more attached to the security of the friendship than to the actual who's in the friendship. And we Think, okay, well, if this friendship goes away, then who am I going to sit with at church? Who am I going to sit with at Bible study? Who am I going to go to lunch to? Who am I sit within the bleachers at the, at the game? And you start, try to preserve the friendship. When maybe that friendship has met its season and you're over functioning in that way, because maybe the friendship is coming to a, just a natural change in rhythm or season, but we try to take that control back ourselves. Do you feel, feel that?

Becky Harling: Yes, absolutely. I think again, when we're over functioning, it's really born out of fear. So if you're afraid you're going to lose your friend, you come on really strong, you know, and maybe you become the friend that's texting repeatedly, you know, can we get together? Can we get together? Can we get. Don't do that. That's annoying, right? So we have to just stop over functioning and, and let our friends live and breathe in rhythm. And if God is slowing one friendship down, trust him that he might have something different in store for you. You know, I always say that the deepest place of our attachment has to be the Lord Jesus Christ. And when we know we are securely loved by him, if friendships change, we know in our heart we're going to be okay because we are deeply loved by Jesus.

Becky: How do we recognize envy and jealousy in friendship?

Dr. Jessica Peck: Fear is such an uncomfortable emotion to have in any circumstance, but especially in friendship and other uncomfortable emotions you unpack in your book, Becky, are envy and jealousy. And I mean, nobody, nobody wants to say that. Nobody wants to say, like, oh yeah, I'm really, I'm really jealous of my friendships. Like, oh, yeah, I struggle with envy. Oh, I'm really discontent with myself. Like, nobody wants to say that.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That.

Dr. Jessica Peck: But we do say that. How do we really? And sometimes it happens, I think, Becky, before we even recognize it, it's just that quiet gnawing that we don't pause. You talked earlier about pausing, pausing really to name and claim it and say, okay, I'm, I'm jealous of this. Like, they get to go on vacations all the time, or, you know, they have more money than me, or, people seem to invite her and they don't invite me. And I'm saying her because, you know, that's me. But I know men have this same issue and probably envy and jealousy is some, something that men definitely struggle with in relationships and friendships. Like, oh, his wife let him get a new boat. His wife doesn't give him any grief when he goes to fish. You know, like I want a friendship like that. How do we recognize envy and jealousy and, and, and really just stop that. Because that is not of the Lord.

Becky Harling: You know, for starters, we recognize it when we feel hesitant to celebrate the exciting thing that's happening in our friend's life. You know, like, I remember a season in my life where, you know, my husband and I were in ministry. We had four kids, we were struggling financially, we lived in a small house. And, you know, one of several of my friends had much bigger homes than me. They were beautiful homes, you know, and when I would go over there, I would come back and I constantly had to check in with the Lord. Like, Lord, I feel like it's unfair that they have that beautiful home and I have this little home. But, you know, so I had to check in with myself. I think to stop envy in comparison, you need to be self aware enough to know that it's happening. And when you feel, you know, hesitant to really celebrate with your friend, that's a pretty good signal that you're feeling envious. And in order to stop envy, we have to stop comparing, you know, and honestly, Instagram is a nightmare in this realm. Instagram, everybody can post lovely pictures. I'm not trying to bash Instagram, I'm on Instagram. You're probably on Instagram. But be reasonable about it, friends. I remember a bunch of years ago, right after several of my girls had had their babies, you know, and one of their friends posted a picture on Instagram and said, Six weeks after my baby and I'm back a size 2. You know, I guarantee every mother that saw that wanted to murder her.

Becky Harling: I mean, why? I mean, think about it. When you're posting on Instagram, think about something that's going to bless other people, not make them, you know, feel envious of you. When we're looking through Instagram, you have to understand, most people are putting them best selves forward. You know, very few people post on Instagram without makeup or when their house is complete completely trashed, or when they're having, you know, an argument with their spouse, you know, and maybe you're scrolling and you see that your friend just got, you know, two dozen roses from her husband. And maybe your husband hasn't bought you flowers in 10 years and you're going to be like, wait, why does she get the husband like that and mine doesn't seem to know I exist, you know, so we, we have to stop. One thing I would say is if you struggle, you got to be, you got to be honest with Your. Yourself, nobody. You don't have to be honest with us, or with your friends, even, but dare to be honest with God and yourself. I'm struggling with envy. And if you are, get off of Instagram for a little while. It's not helping you, because you're comparing your life to somebody else's life, you know, and if you struggle with envy, when your friend gets, you know, a big accomplishment or gets, you know, a new job promotion or has a fabulous anniversary or gets to go on some amazing vacation, be the first to congratulate her. Send a card. I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. Be the first to congratulate each other. And as you do that, progressively, I think you're going to deal with less envy and jealousy than you did before.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Becky, you said some convicting things, and when we think about it, you know, you gave a lot of examples there. One of the. I, think it's important for us to think about how this actually plays out in relationships, because when we hear what you're saying, everybody's like, yeah, okay, yes, we shouldn't be envy. We should confess it to the Lord, and then he will, you know, heal our hearts. But here's how it usually happens. So imagine with me, you know, you go. You go to that person's house, your friend's house, that has the bigger house than you, the nicer house than you, the cleaner house than you, you know, and her, maybe her kids are, you know, sitting there just, you know, being so polite and following every rule, and their room looks great. And you get a glimpse inside the pantry, and, you know, everything is perfectly labeled, and of course, it's all organic and nutritious and everything. And. And so you're just watching all of these interactions come, and then, you know, you're there, but you're still smiling. You're still having, you know, you're still putting on a good front, like, oh. Oh, it's so great. It's so great. You get in the car, and soon as that car door shuts and your family's in the car, this mood settles over the car, and you're just like, ugh, Because you finally feel like you can let it go. And then you go home, and you walk in the door and you see shoes in the door. So you start griping at your kids, and you're like, why are our shoes always here? Why can't you pick up your shoes? What is the. Why don't you take care of what we have? And it starts coming out sideways. And then before you know it, you've got conflict in your relationships or maybe even that friend there. You know, the next time you see her, maybe you're going to get in a little passive aggressive, like, oh, that must be nice. And that is where that confession comes in, Becky, where we just lay it out before the Lord and just say, I am jealous. I am jealous. Out, of my mind. Why don't I have that? And allow the Lord to speak with you. And he gives us an answer. Antidote and expressing gratitude. So you intentionally, you think, okay, what do I do when I feel envious? Well, I start saying I'm gratitude grateful for what I have. And I'll tell you, Becky, my son does this to me all the time. He disciplines me with his eyebrow, okay? He comes up to me and just, like, lifts an eyebrow to me, and I'm like, no, I feel like a child, you know? No, I don't want to do that. No, mom, you're gonna take three breaths, three deep breaths and tell me what you're grateful for. And my first thing is, you know, well, like, okay, fine, I'm grateful for, you know, you, of course, you know, and then. Yeah, but by the time you get to number five, you know, you're just like, okay, all right, I'm gaining some perspective. But those kinds of disciplines take intentionality, and it sounds so simple, and yet

Becky Harling: we still don't do it well. Yeah. And we have to discipline ourselves to do it. You know, when you feel envious, you. You have to write the note to congratulate your friend. When you come out of your friend's house and their kids are all well behaved and yours are going off the wall, stop for a moment and say, lord, I praise you and I thank you, because my kids are going to be world changers. You know, I tell my daughters this all the time. Listen, yes, your kids are loud sometimes, but they're world changers, you know, you don't know of too many quiet world changers, although there are some, you know, but we have to learn to be grateful, like you said, and to make it a discipline to say, thank you, Lord, for what you've given me. Thank you for the life you've given me. You know, and, some of the people that you're jealous of, when you get a deeper glimpse into their life, their life isn't as perfect as it's projecting, you know? Yeah, maybe their pantry is all organic, but maybe when their kids go to somebody's house, they go for the sugar immediately because they're never allowed to have it if home, you know, so, you know, there's a whole understory usually.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I feel like I have such a unique perspective in this because for me serving as a nurse practitioner in primary care, I would literally see these perfect looking families in the waiting room. And you could even see the families kind of measuring each other up, you know, like, oh, this family comes in, the mom's got the Birkin bag, or you know, whatever it is. Like you just, just kind of automatically start to classify everybody. But you know what? For me, they would come behind closed doors and they would tell me like, we're going through a divorce. We actually don't have any money. We, you know, we have terrible conflict with our, our families. And I think you were so right in calling out social media and saying that we instinctively we knowledge, we know in our heads that that's people's highlight reels. But somehow we fail to give that message. Message to our hearts. Becky, it's been a joy talking with you today. The book is Friend wise Practical Ideas for richer Relationships. Becky Harling and I encourage you to check it out. Thank you so much again, Becky, for stopping by and joining us. Friendships are such a gift from God. They offer wisdom and understanding and knowledge that really money can't buy. And thank you to Becky for reminding us that cultivating meaningful relationships, requires intentionality. So which friendship in your life could grow deeper if you approached it with intentionality and love rooted in Christ. I pray the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you. And hey, I'll see you right back here tomorrow.

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Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.

Author and speaker Becky Harling talks with Jessica about practical ideas for richer relationships.

https://beckyharling.com/