Transcript

American Family Radio thanks sponsor Preborn for supporting pro life advocacy

Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword BABY or visit preborn.com/AFR hello

 : and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there, friends, and welcome to my favorite time of day, getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Today is a national day of prayer and you should be praying every day

On this Thursday, on this national day of prayer, I hope that you were able to get out in your community somewhere, participate in an event. But even, even if you weren't able to, today is a national day of prayer and you should be praying every single day. But it's good to be praying any, any day and especially today. So I hope that you will consider praying for our nation. And if you want to know more about prayer, we talked about this in our 52 Habits for Healthy Family series, which we started in January. And we go 1 through 52 and habit 1, week 1 1. We started with prayer because without prayer, without asking God for help, we are in a heap of trouble. Yep, a heap of trouble. And if you feel like you are overwhelmed in trying to face and navigate the challenges of today, then I want to give you a special invitation to the Activate Summit. Now this is going to be Head held July 16th through 18th in Tupelo, Mississippi. If you're wondering where that is, that's the birthplace of Elvis Presley. Charming little town, great places to eat, amazing people. Not too far from Memphis, not too far from Birmingham. And we would love for you to register by going to afa.netsummit. that's afa.netsummit. now I'm going to be one of the keynote speakers there. And I've had so much fun on this week. I was on Exploring the Word with bert Harper, Alex McFarland. Bert will be speaking there about being a grandparent. He and I had a great time talking about that. And tomorrow I will be on the Hamilton corner. That's kind of a scary place to go, let me tell you. But I'm, I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna talk to Abe Hamilton. And because he is just so brilliant on so many issues facing the world today. And I love to hear him speak. He will also be speaking at the summit, and so I'll be on his show tomorrow. We've had Laura Pether Bridge on as well, and she's talked about blended families and step families, and I want you to encourage you to come if you're able to come. There are also some events so you can look at the different options for different ages, but just such a dynamic group of engaged speakers who are preparing even now to encourage the hearts of those who attend. And I want to encourage you to do that now. We had Laura Petherbridge on, not too long ago. I also was, I'm going to be on Sandy Rios's show and was talking with her. And, when we. Look at when. When we were talking, she and I were talking, she asked me a specific question about handling divorce and handling that sit. And how we handle that with our kids. So like I said, I just, I just had. Have had so many people, that. That we've been on. Sorry, now I'm losing my train of thought. Well, I have had so many people where we've been cross promoting and talking about that. And she asked me a specific question about how to handle divorce, and we were able to talk about that. And that's something that Laura Petherbridge will be talking about at the summit. And I believe if I am hearing in my ear right, we have someone to join us to talk about the summit. I think. Think that we have. If I am. If my sources do not fail me, I believe we have Whitney Vitagliano. Is that correct?

Whitney Vitagliano: That's right. Good afternoon. How are you?

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well. Hey, Whitney. I'm doing great. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm so glad to have you here and to give all of our listeners a personal invitation to come to the ACTIVATE Summit. So take it away, friend. I'd love for you to invite them as well.

Whitney Vitagliano: All right, so we're going to be here in tupelo this summer, July 16 through 18, and you're going to have some wonderful speakers this year. Of course, I'm sure you've heard Dr. Nurse Mama herself, Jessica Peck is going to be with us.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's right.

Whitney Vitagliano: And we're also. We're also going to have Bert Harper, which you probably hear on Exploring the Word right after this show. We have Pastor Jeff Schrieve. He is the pastor of First Baptist Church in Texarkana, Texas. You also hear him on afr. And then we have Josh Wood and Katy Foust, they are both with them before us, which is a ministry specific to advocating for and fighting for the rights of children in every situation and putting the rights of children above even ourselves as the adults in the family and in different situations they face. And then we have Laura Petherbridge, which I know you've had her on your show a couple of times, also speaking to a very, very specific and underrepresented need, in the church.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, that is really exciting. That's a great lineup addressing a lot of different issues that, that are impacting families today. Whitney, can you talk a little bit more about the specific offerings for kids?

Whitney Vitagliano: Yes, that's a great question. So, in our main session, we're going to have 13 years old and up, so our teens will be there with, with our other adults. Because everything that we're talking about we feel is very applicable even to those teens. And you know, what better, what better time to learn these things and these fundamental truths than in those years of really, the formation of who you are as a person and who you're going to be as an adult. But for those younger ones, ages 6 through 12 years old, we do have a separate track for them. So that is going to be a more age appropriate version of the content we're learning in the main session. So the kids 6 to 12, they're going to be hearing more about what is God's design for marriage and family, what does that look like and what is your part in that? What is your part in your family right now, in honoring your mother and your father. So those kids, 6 to 12, they're going to be divided into even more age appropriate little Pods. So your 6 year olds aren't going to be mixed in with 12 year olds. We're going to have three different home rooms. So for example, you know, we might have ages 6 through 8 in one room, ages 9 and 10 in a room, and then 11 and 12 in one room. So that also helps us, kind of just dig in even more and hit home with those kids where they are in their developmental journey. And, also, ages under 6, those are free. No tickets for those children, but they will stay with their parents or guardians in the main session. And I always try to, add a little footnote to that. Don't let that scare you away. This is American Family association, so it's going to be no big deal, at all to see families with small children walking around hearing babies cry in the back. So don't let that Deter you. This is a very casual, comfortable family environment.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, you know, Whitney, my mantra as a pediatric nurse working in a newborn nursery for like 30 years is that a crying baby is a breathing baby. I'm good with that. It's all good. Everything is good. And I love to hear the signs of life in there.

 Parents should be co viewing, co consuming information

Whitney, one of the things that encourages me about this is that I do think that parents should be co viewing, co consuming information. And so often in today's day and age, we see these digital silos in the home where everybody's streaming their own thing, everybody's streaming their own show. And one of things that really disheartens me about that is that we have so much lost opportunity to talk about what we're seeing, what we're hearing. You know, when everybody would watch the same show, everybody gasps at the same time, everybody cries at the same time, and you say, oh, what would we do? And then you talk about it afterwards. But we're losing some of those opportunities. Another common thing that I hear from parents, Whitney, is that, you know, I don't want to expose my kids to things they haven't been exposed to yet. But, you know, Whitney, what I say is, unfortunately, I think to some extent, we have to accept the reality of the world that we live in. And while we absolutely should still do everything to protect them from being exposed to things that are not for their good, what better way to expose them to things in the world in a developmentally appropriate way? Mom and dad sitting right side by side saying, hey, we're here. We're going to talk about this. I'm positioning myself as the expert here. I'm opening the door, letting you know that this is not taboo. Boo. This is not something that you can't ask me about. I know about this going on in the world and we can have conversation about it. That is so much better than kids going to AI going to Internet search engines and looking up the things that they hear. Because that's just the natural thing of what kids are going to do if they hear something they don't know. They're going to go to the Internet and look at it. So I think this is a great opportunity to really open the bridge for some conversations for families to have.

Whitney, what are you most excited about this year?

And Whitney, I know you've been working so hard to plan all of this behind the scenes for quite a while because you asked me about this, I think almost a year ago. This has been on your heart and your, your mind and your vision for a long time. What are you most excited about?

Whitney Vitagliano: I Think, of course, every year is so different and we have different goals each year. this year though, I think I'm probably most excited to sort of remind people these, the people that will be there that your marriage and your parenting matters. It is, it's the gravity of the importance of that in eternity is just so heavy. And I just, I'm excited for them to be encouraged that just their, their day to day life that they think is so simple and so mundane is really, really counting. And your, our children are watching us and they're learning what we think is most important, even if we're not telling them what we think is most important. And so I'm just, I'm excited for this. A time for children and their parents, their grandparents to be, to just sort of focus their hearts and their minds for a couple of days on the same thing. Just the importance of where we are right now in our family and what that can mean for all of our spiritual growth in the future.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Whitney, I'm going to put you on the spot a little bit because when you were in Houston for a donor event, you and I had a face to face conversation, a really nice talk. And we were talking about just, I know you're a mom, you are living this right alongside all of, of us. And you had shared with me something that you had heard here on this show, on this hour about bedtime. And we had a really good conversation about that. And I was wondering if you might just be willing to share a little bit about your bedtime routine with your kids. And you were just talking about the mundane things and that's a perfect example of how that investment that you have at bedtime is really going to pay dividends in the long run.

Whitney Vitagliano: Yes. So, so bedtime has, it's become a whole thing. A whole thing for him. I love it.

Dr. Jessica Peck: So that's a production.

Whitney Vitagliano: Oh, it is, it is like the, it's like the final level, you know, like defeat this level and then like you've won the game. So getting our five children in the bed, we have, we have a whole routine. So our younger four, they all pile in a bed, with my husband, they read a book. And so those, those four though, three of those four are boys and then one of our baby girl, you know, the boys aren't super interested in, you know, doing a whole lot of dissecting their day at this age. However, they know, they know their daddy thinks that that's important enough to stop and sit in the bed and spend 20 minutes reading the story and kind of being silly with them for a little bit. And then our oldest, is a daughter. She's 12. She looks forward to me and her daddy coming to tell her good night. She will not go to sleep until one of us. Usually her daddy is the preferred parent come tell her good night. So just. We love. We love that when she's finished getting ready for bed, she peeks her head out and says, okay, I'm ready. There might be a day where maybe she doesn't do that, but one of us will still be up there to say, hey, did anything happen today that you want to talk about? Hey, what was your most, what made you happy today? What hurt your feelings today? So that the bedtime is just a time in our day that things kind of slow down, they kind of get quiet, and it's just a time of reconnect. And I know that these things happen in different points for other families. Maybe it's dinner time, maybe it's breakfast time, maybe you're able to sit down and have breakfast together. But I think it's just so important. And we've learned this from you. just. Just to make sure there's at least one point in your day to say, I care about you. I care about your life, and I want to know you. I want to know who you are as a person.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Oh, Whitney, I love that. This is one of the things I love about being part of the American Family association family because it is so authentic and so genuine. The people who are planning all of these things are living out all of these things in their own family. And listen, we are all not living it perfect. I promise you that. My children would love to have a chance to be at the microphone and tell you about the. My hashtag mom fails. Although my husband would still call it a pound sign. You know, pound sign, mom fails. I have plenty of those. Whitney, I'm sure that you do, too, but it. There is something really encouraging about being in an arena with a room full of parents and grandparents and then people who are invested in the future of the family. There's something really empowering by sitting by somebody you don't know, but looking at them, having a brief conversation and knowing, hey, we have the same goal in mind. We are trying to. We are just doing our best to raise our kids to love God and serve others, and we want healthy relationships. It's so encouraging. Whitney, tell us one more time about the website where we can go to register.

Whitney Vitagliano: Sure. So you can find your tickets at afa.net/summit We do have a really good discount code that will be happening until May 22. May 22 is the deadline to register. So that that code is 50 off. 50 off. That will get you $50 off every ticket that you purchase.

Dr. Jessica Peck: And you heard it right here. Whitney, thank you so much for all that you're doing to plan that. I know that you are working so hard to provide such a good experience for everybody. And I hope that people who are thinking maybe I should come will take this as their sign to come. And, and when we come back, we're going to talk about raising resilient kids in an age of anxiety, overprotection and emotional fragility. Yes to all the things. Come back right after the break and we'll talk about it. Mother's Day, it's one of the most beautiful moments of the year to share life changing news. Maybe you've seen it. A family gathered around the table. When someone stands up and says, next year there will be a brand new mom in our family, there's nothing like it. But for some women, Mother's day feels very different. Instead of celebrating, they're carrying a secret. Afraid, unsure, alone. That's why preborn exists. Because when a woman sees her baby on an ultrasound and hears that tiny heartbeat, it doubles the chance she'll choose life. I couldn't imagine my life without him because of them. He's here. We're gonna get through it and it's gonna be okay.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Preborn empowers women to become mothers. Just $28 provides one ultrasound. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250 baby. Or donate [email protected]/AFR, that's preborn.com/AFR.

Your Way's Better by Forrest Frank: oh Lord, I need you now more than ever Would you put my heart back together? I searched the world to my head just to find out your ways better oh, you're ways better oh you're ways better oh lord, you're ways better Jesus.

Dr. Jessica Peck: welcome back, friends. That is your ways better by Forrest Frank. And that song always makes my day better. I just think about when he started, he used if, in case you don't know, Forrest Frank started singing in a little public park in Waco, Texas. And he would sit at a park bench with a sign inviting people to come over and listen to this song and see if it made their day better. And lo and behold, it did. And we're so grateful for his ministry. And someone that I am grateful for their ministry is joining us Today, now we know that we are raising children in one of the most digitally connected generations in history. And yet many parents, teachers, counselors, they say kids are increasingly disconnected from confidence, from resilience, from things like basic life skills, like talking to another human to order something at the counter. And across the country, educators report children struggling with emotional regulations. They're avoiding conflict resolution. They struggle to make a decision and have independence. And even everyday developmental tasks that were once common for previous generations. Now we say anxiety rates among children and teens continue to skyrocket. Parents feel overwhelmed. They're trying to balance protection with preparation. But this culture prioritizes comfort, achievement, and, your own emotional satisfaction, constant happiness. And a lot of families are asking some tough questions. How do we raise kids who can withstand disappointment? How do we help children develop courage instead of fear? How do we prepare our kids emotionally and spiritually for this crazy world without overwhelming them? Well, today's conversation is going to explore a hopeful and, practical response to these questions.

David Thomas has spent decades helping children, teens and families navigate anxiety

Our guest is David Thomas. He's a best selling author, a nationally recognized speaker, a family counselor, and executive director of daystar Counseling Ministries in Nashville, Tennessee. Now, alongside his longtime collaborator, Sissy Goff, David has spent decades helping children, teens and families navigate anxiety, emotional development, resilience, and healthy relationships. And together, they co host the enormously popular Raising Boys and Girls podcast. And they've written numerous bestselling parenting books trusted by families around the country. Now, their newest book is called Capable, and it offers parents practical and faith informed strategies to help kids develop emotional strength. Yes to that. Resilience. Yes to that. Confidence. Yes to that. And the ability to face challenges with courage. David, thank you so much for joining us today.

David Thomas: Oh, thank you for having me. It's a privilege to share time with you.

David Thomas writes Capable about helping kids deal with life's challenges

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, David, I was just telling you before we came on the air, you were just recently at an event in Houston, and that is my hometown, so I saw a lot of people posting after having been at the event with you and just how you encourage them, it just, just reminds me that this is such a felt need. Because parents today are so exhausted, a lot of parents feel like they're having to do more for their kids than before. I mean, I come from Gen X, so I'm very much the latchkey kid. Like I can do anything on my own. But that is not what we're seeing here. So tell us about what inspired you to write Capable. Why is this the right message for this moment?

David Thomas: You're kind ask. And I think you and I are so like minded. And like hearted and the ways we're thinking about this generation of kids and parents and where I'm just so honored to get to have this conversation with you. It feels important because the US Surgeon General recently declared that youth mental health is the defining public health crisis of our time. And that feels so alarming and concerning to me to think about that reality. I'm not the least bit surprised by that declaration because we've seen these growing numbers of 1 in 5 kids struggling with anxiety, 1 in 3 adolescents. We've seen rising suicide rates with adolescents and young adults. All of these concerning trends that we have also seen in our work translating to a lack of kids believing that they're capable to deal with. I love the language of the recovery movement that talks about life on life on life's terms and how every one of us as adults is living that reality right now in this moment of humanity, just dealing with whatever curveball life is going to throw me today and kids believing they're capable of that feels so foundational for their growth and development and why this book felt so incredibly important.

One of the things that I'm seeing is teens coming up with coping mechanisms

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, you talk about this crisis of capability. One of the things that I'm seeing, David, is people as teens now coming up with their own coping mechanisms. So instead of turning to healthy coping mechanisms and feeling capable, they're really retreating eating. We're seeing trends like bedrotting where they say, hey, that's how you do self care. You go and you stay in your bed 23 hours straight, get up to go to the bathroom if you must, but just scroll and scroll and scroll and all of these other things that are really toxic and that don't speak to you are capable and God has equipped you for this moment? How do we even begin to speak into this crisis of capability in a way that connects with teens and doesn't offend them and push them away and isolate them?

David Thomas: You know, I think it starts with us messaging to kids of all ages. If you are a parent of a 3 year old or a 33 year old right now who's struggling to launch out into the world, messaging with consistency that healthy coping is essential to well being. And we have a really simple checklist we talk a lot about in our work with families when it comes to understanding healthy coping. And that is that it brings relief and it does no harm. And I think most of us in this world are good at checking the first box of figuring out things that bring relief. But a lot of things that bring relief also bring harm. So a great example being the one you shared Doom scrolling. Okay, I get a little bit of relief if I'm just sitting in a chair and doom scrolling. But it's not good for my brain. It's certainly not good for my body to not be moving. And so how do we help kids figure out how to check both boxes? So, for example, with young kids, we talk about screaming into a pillow versus screaming at a family member because sometimes it does bring some relief to scream, but it harms the relationship if I scream at a person, a pillow's not hurt if I scream into a pillow. And helping adolescents connect around the idea that one of the most dangerous things we can do if we're stuck in looping thoughts, if we're ruminating, if we're just drowning in anxiety, is to sit still in my room, in my thoughts. Any other decision I might make to interrupt that that's moving in direction of healthy coping, getting up to go get a cold glass of water, getting up to go pet my dog, getting up to just go outside and walk for a couple of minutes is an immediate win that disrupts that sitting still disrupts that cycle of intrusive thoughts that so often happens. And so we love the process of brainstorming healthy coping with families. And we challenge kids and adolescents to come up with just what we call a top five list that you revisit and revise often and figure out, are the things on my list still working for me? Am I using those regularly enough? And we challenge parents to make their own top five list and hang it up on a bathroom mirror so that kids have the opportunity to sit front row with the adults they trust most in the world doing the work of healthy coping in front of them. Because we've long believed, and research supports this, that kids learn more from observation than information.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That is so true. And I can see, David, why your podcast is so wildly popular, because these are the kinds of words of wisdom that parents need spoken into them. I think that kids have reached almost a next level ability to gaslight their parents in this day and age. I mean, because we used to hear it and we would hear like, oh, mom, this is going to ruin my social life if I can't go to this party. And then our parents would say to us, david, at least mind did. Like, if everybody was going to jump off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? But now I feel like that is so next level. It's that, you know, parent, we're kids are really trying to convince their parents, if you don't let me have a cell phone, if you don't let me have this technology access. If I'm not happy, then, you know, I'm going to have a mental health breakdown and, and my social life is going to be awful. And these parents, you know, just feel like, oh my goodness, I'm sorry, afraid. And they're so driven by fear. And so then they do whatever they can to try to keep their child happy instead of keeping them healthy. So how can, when we do that, we know that it hinders resilience. It's well intentioned, but it is, it is ill suited. So how do we break that cycle?

David Thomas: You know, one of the ways I think we break the cycle is I so appreciated the way you asked the question because I think we've become a culture that is somewhat obsessed with kids. Happiness that's become a primary target we seem to be moving toward. And we talk a lot with parents in our work about how happiness is temporary and transient. You know, if I were to just pick a day of the week from the past week, I was happy for about 30 minutes, enjoying a great breakfast, and then I felt pretty happy last night sitting in the floor, petting my dog and having a great conversation with my wife. The rest of the day I wasn't unhappy, but I was doing the normal stuff of life. I, I was working, returning emails, running errands. And so if we're messaging to kids that the primary target we want to be moving towards is experiencing as much happiness as possible, we're not preparing them well for what it means to be an adult in this world. And so we celebrate when we experience moments of happiness, but it's temporary and it's transient. And how could we be helping kids be about building the skills to deal with the other moments, the normal moments of life? Because I think what also we've seen happen with this target of happiness we're moving toward is that when kids don't experience it, they're asking one of two questions. They're asking what's wrong with me or what's wrong with my life, as opposed to this is a normal part of what it means to be human. And Scripture's promised us that if you reread Romans 5, Romans 8, Jon 16, we've been promised we're going to groan with all of creation this side of heaven. And struggle that we experience gives way to perseverance, perseverance to character and character to hope. And we want to raise kids of hope.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Oh, we absolutely do. And I think that parents need to be more confident and grounded and some of that has to do with. It's difficult to emotionally regulate yourself, to be able to emotionally regulate your kid. And we kind of just, you know, feed the machine until, like, it calms down instead of having them regulate to us. Now, this is. David, this is not my professional advice, but my personal experience as a mom with have to learn to say to my kids something like this, like, hey, you can fight me if you want on this, but I'm going to stand by my decision because God has given you to me to steward. And right now, at this stage in life, I'm older than you, I'm wiser than you, I have more friends than you do. I have more resources than you do. I have more skin in this game, and I am going to stick it out. And I love you enough to let you be upset with me. So, like I said, that's not my professional advice, but that's what I had to learn as a mom. I think another temptation that we have, David, is we want to rescue our kids so badly. And we see this trend in parenting changes where we have parenting, like helicopter parenting was hovering, and then all of a sudden it became lawnmower. We wanted to make this perfectly curated lawn, and then we had bulldozer. We're going to knock down every obstacle. But that is actually inhibiting having resilient kids as well, right?

David Thomas: absolutely. In fact, research would tell us that the two most common parenting practices in response to anxiety are escape and avoidance. Rescue is an intuitive move. We see our kids struggling, and. And let's. Let's say as a side note, none of us want to see the kids we love struggle. Nothing about that feels good. We know it has purpose, but it doesn't feel good when we're experiencing it. But. But if we aren't paying attention to that in the right ways, we'll intuitively move toward escape and avoidance and extracting kids from these struggling moments, as opposed to the movement of allowing kids to experience discomfort. And something you wisely, wonderfully said that I want to go back to is that I can't allow the kids I love to experience the discomfort of life unless I have learned to navigate discomfort myself. And so, so to your wise question, if I can't regulate myself, I certainly don't have a lot to bring to the equation of helping the kids and adolescents I love learn to regulate. And so it all starts with the discomfort. And, you know, a great practice I would encourage parents listening right now to consider as a way of taking a step in that direction would be, we love asking the question of what are two things that you are currently doing for your kids that they could be doing for themselves, and what are two things they could almost do for themselves? And we want you to pull back with all four. So that would be a beginning step to invite some discomfort that also invites some growth. That involves a lot of practice. In fact, the definition we talk about in the book is that capable kids have practiced coping and learned competence for life's challenges. And so thinking in those categories would begin movement in the direction of raising capable kids.

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, David, you just said two words together that honestly are a little bit wild there because. And I think we, need to go back to this because parents need to hear this. You said invite discomfort. You didn't say allow it. You know, just like, let it to happen. Let it happen if it naturally happens. You said invite, right?

David Thomas: I did. Good. I want parents to consider whatever age child you're parenting right now, what's one context where I could say with certainty they are experiencing some discomfort, they are having the opportunity for growth, they're facing some challenges, and we want that to be the case. And. And something else I'd say to that is this. We think about all the different ways we're trending, not just toward happiness, but we talk in the beginning of the book about how often we have observed that every correction is often an overcorrection. And I think if we think a lot of parents of this current generation, the ways they were parented, there's probably some overcorrecting that happened out of your experience that we have swung so far the other direction in a lot of ways that we have started to believe, and we hear evidence of this in the questions that parents ask, that if I allow my kids to experience discomfort, if I invite discomfort, I'm going to disrupt attachment in some way. You know, 30 years ago when I started doing this work, I never had a parent ask me, is it a bad idea to drop off kids at Sunday school if they're really upset, or to send them to preschool if they're really anxious about going? No one ever asked that question. And I'm asked that question with great regularity now. And I'm so concerned that we have started to believe that those healthy opportunities for kids to separate out and experience healthy attachment means my parents can drop me off with safe, trusting adults and they come back to pick me up and I can feel discomfort and nervous and all those things, and I'm going to be cared for and they're going to return. That's the evidence of healthy attachment. But we've started to believe if they're experiencing any discomfort, if they're experiencing any anxiety, as opposed to just knowing. We talk a lot about how nervous is normal. That's a phrase we say a lot.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Nervous is normal. I love it. We're gonna stop right there. We're already at our first break, but we have. I have more questions and I'm sure you do too. So we will be right back with more from author David Thomas of Capable: how to teach your kids the strengths, skills and strategies to build resilience. You need this. We'll see you on the other side of this break.

In his image is a life changing film that has helped people break free from the grip of evil

 : The enemy wants to destroy anything of God's, especially mankind, who is made in God's image. What would it be like if every person knew that they were created in the image of God? We're talking about people, people loved by the Father, people for whom Jesus died.

 : We have to stand on God's truth. We hear in culture all the time. We need to find ourselves. We need to go find our identity. We are already defined. We are known before the foundations of the world.

 : In his image is a life changing film that has helped people break free from the grip of evil. It will take you through scripture to show the truth. Truth and its powerful testimonies will destroy Satan's attempts to pervert God's perfect design. We now know with the genome of all of the DNA that there is no propensity towards a genetic disposition to homosexual behavior.

 : Watch it for the first time or again with someone who needs to see it. Get the two DVD set at resources.afa.net

This Is My Father's World by The Worship Initiative: This is my father's world and to my m listening ears all nature sings and round me rings the music of the spheres. This is my father's world I rest me in the thought of rocks and trees of skies and seas his hand the wonders rise.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. This, that is this is My father's World by the worship initiative. And it is our Father's world.

There is a wave of nostalgia sweeping the country

Sometimes we look at this world and we don't even recognize where we're living in. I know there is a wave of nostalgia sweeping the country. Many of you have seen the social media trend. Dad or mom, what were you like in the 90s and all of these wistful things back before technology and AI generated video videos. I admit I'm a Gen X kid. I'm a, you know, my mom was drinking a tab and, and pushing me out the door and locking it behind me and saying, don't come m back until dark. I am from that generation. And sometimes we look around and we think we don't recognize the world that we're in. It is so saturated with fear and anxiety and disconnection. But never fear, because we have someone to speak into that. Today I'm talking with David Thomas. He is the co author with Sissy Goff of the book Capable and many other books as well. This one is Capable how to teach your kids the strengths, skills and strategies to build resilience. You need this in your life. When we see kids who are lacking basic life skills, there's a whole TikTok trend about parents trying to make their kids call for their own medical appointment or a dentist appointment. And kids are thinking, I can't even do this. We can raise capable kids. But resilience is not built in one dramatic moment. It's not an instant shot that all of a sudden they have resilience. It develops slowly. It is the painstaking work of parenting through ordinary experiences, handling disappointment, recovering when you have a lack of responsibility, healthy risk taking, emotional honesty, problem solving, and relationships. So, David, I want to go to this healthy risk taking because the way that I see it, when parents are young, we really function as teachers. We teach our kids how to do everything, tie their shoes, you know, chew with their mout closed, all these things that we've had life experience of. But then at some point we transition to coach. And I think the job of the coach is to make sure the practice environment's safe, help them take healthy risks, pull them back to rest when they're not ready, help them recover when they fail, and set healthy goals. How do we engage in this healthy risk taking? Because even just hearing that word is going to make parents say, I, don't want my kid taking risk risks. But we really do.

David Thomas: We absolutely do. We know it's foundational not only to building resilience, but developing independence, developing a healthy sense of self. So many things. And I was agreeing with you as you were talking about your growing up. You and I had similar growing up experiences, even though I'm obviously older.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I'll take it.

David Thomas: You were much younger than me. But what I would note in, in thinking about our shared experiences, I really believe, and I'd be curious if this was true for you, that the world worked in a way where there were just built in opportunities, not only for the discomfort that you and I were talking about a little bit earlier in our conversation. I laugh all the time with parents of my generation saying we all knew what it was like to show up at box at the video store. I was about to name a brand, but whatever brand was your brand.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's right.

David Thomas: Have your heart set on one particular movie and that movie was just not available and the disappointment. And now kids can access any movie in any moment of their choice. And so that's one of a thousand examples we could share where the world worked in a way that just invited opportunities for all the things we're discussing, but in particular to experience healthy risk. And so I would want to challenge parents there. And first saying that I think we're going to have to labor longer in the space of thinking strategically and intentionally about how to invite that into our kids lives. And secondly, to the wise way you ask the question, how can I attend to my fear that could get in the way of allowing my kids to experience that and the importance of that. And you know, one of the examples I would table as we think about this concept is that, you know, I've been doing this work for 30 years on the front side of my work work. I don't have a single memory of sitting with a parent who would ask me the question, should I require my teenager to get their driver's license? and I have that conversation all the time with parents now.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Wow.

David Thomas: Should I make my son ask a girl to the homecoming dance? Should I require them to go to prom? Should I? You know, these opportunities that involve healthy risks that are so foundational to their developing sense of self. And interestingly, as we talk about dating and driving, those two have a lot of similarities. You know, kids don't intuitively know how to parallel park a car. That has to be learned in practice. Boys wouldn't intuitively know how to call a restaurant and set a dinner reservation before the homecoming dance and then sit at the table and find their way through the awkward conversations that happen when we're engaged in the process of dating. And so those things have to be learned and practiced, learned and practiced over and over. And they're foundational within the context of healthy risk that we're seeing more kids back away from and more parents unknowingly at times stand in the way of,

Dr. Jessica Peck: you know, you've really given me a little bit of a paradigm shift here, David. And thinking about, I think about the way that the digital world really is geared to work against parents because you've got the best psychologists in the world employed with the singular task of how do I keep your kid on this platform. I hadn't thought about the physical world being built that way, that it was it was just better built in. And you're right. Like when I was growing up, I mean, you could not wait to get your driver's license. It was a big deal. Everybody went on their birthday. You were there the moment it opened and you were going to drive away by yourself, like that was it. And now you're right. I see that. I can affirm what you're seeing in clinical practice. I see kids who don't want to drive, kids who don't want to date. They don't want to take that risk. But God has created our brains to take risks because that's the way that we become independent and eventually live on our own.

The three Cs are coping, competence and challenge

Now, one of the things that you have in this book that's a really helpful tool I want to go here Next, is the three Cs of capability. I think that would be a helpful thing to go to for right now for a takeaway.

David Thomas: I'd love to talk about this. So the three Cs are coping, competence and challenge. And we talked a little bit about the importance of healthy coping a few minutes ago. I would say this about competence. You know, in addition to our world having placed a lot of emphasis on happiness, I think we placed a lot of emphasis on raising confident kids and maybe starting to believe that. I just need to speak that into kids. And I certainly believe in the wisdom and the importance of speaking life into kids and calling out their strengths. But what you and I know to be true is that competence is what builds confidence. And competence happens in the practice. Competence happens in the hard of cross country practice in the hot of Texas and Tennessee in the summers when kids are working toward a cross country season in the fall. And all the resilience and endurance and perseverance that's built in those moments, you know, I really wish. Let's laugh together. I wish there were just a gummy or a vibe vitamin we could give kids and they would wake up with confidence. But it's in the skill development and the hard habits of competence that kids feel confident. So that's the second C and the third is challenges. And it's the reminder that we all know to be true that these things can't come to be unless kids experience challenges. And one of the realities, tying it back to the front side of our conversation when we talked about the statistics around anxiety is that one of the spillover effects of anxiety is that it invites kids into perfectionism and into believing that failure will crush me as opposed to, you know, neuroscientists agree that failure is a gateway to neuroplasticity. Like failing literally causes our brains to grow. In fact, we have an acronym in the book we love talking about, and it is that fail is a first attempt in learning. And we'd love to invite families to talk more about that so that. That we're flipping failure on its head and saying it's a good thing to experience. It causes our brains to grow. It even teaches us to learn to laugh at ourselves, which we believe is also a foundational skill to building resilience. And one of the ways I think we can help kids develop there is by not just normalizing failure, but talking about our own experience. I had a hilarious conversation with a mom in her 40s recently who she's so successful in her work world. And she said, david, I have recently taken up the game of, the sport of tennis because I have some friends who are into it. Turns out I'm terrible at it. And she said, I was in a group class recently, and the instructor started giving me alone feedback in front of all the other folks there, and I found myself tearing up. And she said, I thought, this is not Wimbledon. This is mom tennis. Why am I so teary? And then she said, the instructor said, okay, let's pair up and play doubles. And everyone started moving away from me. No one wanted to choose me. And she said, it was this great opportunity at dinner that night to talk with my kids about something I'm just not good at, good at. And what it feels like to not get picked and what it feels like to be given feedback or constructive criticism and have a lot of big feelings in the midst of it. And how I worked through that right back to that first c of coping, the things she was employing. And so we really do challenge parents. Narrate your experience in the everyday. Talk about moments where you're failing. Talk about moments where you're learning. Talk about moments where you're practicing healthy coping. That's building competence within the context of challenge, David.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I can relate to that, Mom. I, you know, I'm used to being successful in many spheres of my life, but athletics is not one. And I remember trying. I was trying to do this workout group, community group, and. And I remember the trainer coming up to me saying, it gets fun when you get good at it. And I said, so it'll never be fun. Is that what you're trying to tell me? But it is a good exercise, and we've got to use some of those environmental care cues. One thing that worked for me, I traveled a little Bit, you know, went with my job, and I would have a tag along. I would bring my kids with me, and I would tell them, even when they were eight, nine years old, okay, we're at the airport. You get us to the gate. Figure it out, I'm here, like, but let's go. And sometimes I think as parents, we just feel too rushed. It's too easy. It's like, no, let me load the dishwasher like you. We don't have patience to let them have a first attempt in learning, a failure attempt. And some of what you were talking about in narrating our lives is having the emotional vocabulary to do that. How do we talk more about how we use that narrative to help them develop that emotional vocabulary? And then regulation.

David Thomas: It's necessary. In fact, I'd argue that's one of the core ingredients of healthy coping, is being able to name and navigate my emotions. And I can't navigate or work through the intense emotions unless I know what I'm working with. So. So we're huge fans of a, feelings chart. We have them on our website that you can download, and we encourage families. Have one on the ready. Put it on the refrigerator. That's in view of everyone. Throw it on the dinner table. So it's just that great prompt, that visual prompt, to fold more emotional vocabulary into the everyday reporting of our experience.

David Thomas: We're allowing our feelings to inform everything we talk a lot about

But what we also talk about, and this too feels like, one of the trends we're seeing that I think is getting in the way for a lot of kids, is that we want to pay the right amount of attention to our feelings. Not too little, which isn't helpful. But one of the big swings we've seen is paying too much attention and allowing our feelings to inform everything we talk a lot about. We love the work of Dr. Susan David, who wrote Emotional Agility. And Dr. David says, Emotions are data. They're not directives. Like, they're useful information that help inform my next steps. But. But they're not driving the car. That's giving them too much power. And we'd go beyond that to say more than any other time in all the years we've been doing this work, we're seeing kids feelings on one side of the room and their faith on the other side of the room. And we want those to be intersecting in all moments. We want our faith to inform our feelings so that I can take this data in and then think, okay, whatever I might be believing about myself, that, I'm incapable, that I'm crippled by anxiety, whatever may be true? What does God say about who I am and how can that inform my feelings and my thoughts and my actions? So we want so much for kids to believe that their faith is one of the most powerful tools they have access to. Well, you're informing their movement forward.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Yes, you're so right. We've almost gotten to a level of idolatry, of feelings. Like if I feel uncomfortable, that. And not only is that not okay. And I need to do whatever I need to do to feel better. Everybody around me needs to adapt to me so that I feel better as well. And that is a really tough thing to do. But you've given us so many tools, so much great advice. I hope that my listeners will go and get a copy of this book. I think this is the message for the moment. David, I really do capable how to teach your kids the strengths, skills and strategies to build resilience. It's by Sissy Goff and David Thomas. I've got it right here in my hands. If you're watching the video, you can see what it looks like. So you can see when you go to the store and when you go and buy it, because this is what we need to be teaching our kids to do. Our kids want to be competent. They want to be confident. They don't enjoy having order anxiety. They don't enjoy being afraid about just doing little life tasks. But I'm so grateful that you have helped us today to remind us in a culture that is filled with fear and uncertainty, we can be reminded that resilience is not about perfection. It is about helping our kids, equipping them with the confidence, the emotional tools, the faith and the support systems to face life honestly and courageously. So if they feel afraid, we can tell them things like, God has not given you a spirit of fear or I can't do this. God has equipped you for every good work. And perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give this next generation is helping them believe that God designed them with purpose, on purpose, for a purpose. And I thank you so much for joining us today, David, and giving us that encouraging message. Check out their podcast and wherever you are m whatever you're doing, I pray as I always do, the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you. I'll see you right back here tomorrow.

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Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.