Thanking Preborn Sponsor and Highlighting Their Mission to Save Lives Through Ultrasounds
Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby or visit preborn.com/AFR what if one moment could change a life forever? Every day, mothers facing unplanned pregnancies walk into PreBorn Network clinics searching for hope. Through a free ultrasound, they meet their baby for the very first time. And when they see that tiny life and hear that heartbeat, everything can change.
Dan Steiner: Hey friend. Dan Steiner, president at PreBorn here with a heartfelt thank you. Because you know what? This year so far, your partnership with PreBorn has saved over 50,000 babies and moms from abortion and wouldn't have happened without you. What you are doing together with PreBorn is truly changing generations. Every tax deductible dollar that you give is used to rescue babies lives and lead moms to Jesus Christ. So far this year alone We've seen over 8,000 women give their hearts to Christ. All because you helped with an ultrasound scan for $28 or a machine for $15,000. So thank you. Your caring help so saves lives both for earth and for eternity. God bless you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Right now, more mothers are waiting for that life changing moment. $28 helps to provide one life saving ultrasound. $140 helps rescue five babies. To donate to out pound 250 and say the keyword baby, that's pound 250 baby or visit preborn.com/AFR afr that's preborn.com/AFR Every gift is tax- deductible. Hello and welcome to the Doctor Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here and Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well hey there friends. Welcome to another fry. Yay. And it is such a good Friday because it's an October Friday, it's a Friday in the fall and I don't know, you may live in a place like I do where it's still 90 something degrees, but I still am just embracing all the fall spirits, spirit, all the Friday night lights, all the fun things and whether you're working or traveling or just planning a quiet weekend at home, I hope that you are going to have a great weekend. And I hope that during that time, during the time of the weekend that you're going to have a chance to connect with someone in your family. We're talking about the habits. We're talking about healthy habits for healthy families on this Friday series. And in this segment that we are doing, we're talking about what I'm calling the be attitudes, which are just ways to be.
Being an Influencer in Your Family and the Importance of Being Present with Family Members
And last week we talked about being an influencer in your family, which is so important because everywhere in the world, people and entities are trying to influence your family. They're being intentional about it. They're putting a big investment in it. They're spending a lot of money. They have a lot of time in the attention economy, and we need to be there first. This week, I'm talking about being with family. That's the habit. Be with family. Now this. Some of you are thinking, okay, yeah, and like, I do that all the time. It's great, great. And some of you are thinking, yeah, I really wish my family lived closer. I wish we had more time together. And some of you are thinking, it was, I don't know about that.
God's Design for Family and Understanding Diverse Family Dynamics and Emotional Connections
So we're going to talk to all of those family situations. But God designed the family. He decided, designed us to live in the community of our family. And when I say be with family, what does come to your mind? Do you think of a Sunday dinner? Are you one of those amazing families who just gets together maybe after church on Sunday? If you are, please, invite me to come and have dinner with your family. I love that. I think that's amazing. Do you think of a crowded kitchen? I. I do. With my granny. Do you think of someone who knows your stories and someone who remembers you before you had your life figured out, when you still had braces or you were still awkward, or does your stomach tighten a little? Maybe family to you is a really emotionally charged word in and of itself. Maybe it means walking on eggshells.
Navigating Family Challenges: Grief, Brokenness, and Learning Relationships Through Family Experiences
Maybe it's preparing and bracing yourself for the latest bit of criticism. Maybe it's wondering when that old argument is going to resurface again. Maybe you're grieving someone who should be at the dinner table. Maybe you've lost them to trauma, maybe divorce, maybe death, maybe other abandonment, any kind of issue. Or maybe you're raising children in a family that just looks different than what you imagined, and you're wondering, can I give them everything that they need? Is this family good enough? Today's habit makes room for all of those realities because there is grace in, a broken world. Family is one of the first places that we learn what relationships feel like. We discover whether someone is going to respond to us when we need help, whether we can safely admit our mistakes and recover with grace and support, and whether disagreement, agreement brings us closer through healthy conflict resolution, or it threatens our identity and our sense of belonging. Families are where we learn how to rest, how to work, how to pray, how to share, how to care about other people.
Biblical Family Design and Adapting to Broken World Realities: Adoption, Foster Care, and Blended Families
And these lessons just happen in the most ordinary moments. When we're getting ready for school, when we're handling disappointment, when we're working through an argument, when we get our feelings hurt, when we just sit together at the end of the day, when we're riding in the car together. From a biblical perspective, I affirm God's good design for children to be raised by a mother and a father committed to one another, committed to their care of their children. That is a design that is worth supporting. It's a design worth pursuing. And it is the ideal situation for kids in this world. But I also recognize that we do live in the realities of a broken world. We have things like death and divorce and abandonment and chronic illness, even in and unsafe relationships and all kinds of situations that can change a family structure. We have adoption and foster care and grandparents stepping in to be parents and other relatives who can become part of a child's circle of care. Now, if you're parenting alone, you're raising a grandchild, you're navigating a blended family.
A Strengths-Based Approach to Family: Focusing on Blessings and Not Predetermining Futures
This conversation, is not an indictment of anything that you don't have. It is an invitation to identify and appreciate and celebrate what you do. This is what we call in my field a strengths based approach, where we're not just looking at all of the deficiencies we have. We're looking at the ways that God has blessed us, the ways that God has gifted us, the way that we are uniquely prepared to be able to navigate some of those challenges that comes our way. And here's the best news of all. Your children's future is not predetermined by the difficulties your family has faced. Are they affected by it? Absolutely. Are they influenced by it? Yes, they absolutely are. But their future is not predetermined. A household structure alone cannot tell us whether the relationships inside of it are safe and attentive and dependable. And we use this term a broken home, for really uniquely to parents and families who have experienced divorce. But there are plenty of homes where the parents are not divorced, where they're very much together, that are broken by abuse, by dysfunction, by neglect, by constant conflict. And one of the most but In.
Protective Factors for Children: The Importance of Stable Relationships and Building a 'Framily'
Regardless of that, one of the most important protective factors for children facing hardship, because all children will face some degree of trauma or trial or tragedy. But the most important protective factor is a stable, committed relationship with a supportive adult. Research is very clear about this. We can face hard things. Kids can face hard things. But if they have an adult who's attached to them in a healthy way, who is invested in their life. Notice I did not say perfect. Responds perfectly in every way. But is who. Who is committed, who's consistent, who's present, they're most likely gonna be okay. And that should encourage us to invest in dependable relationships. That is so important. And sometimes we. When your family situation is less than ideal, when it is, dysfunctional to the point of abusive, and that's just not possible for whatever reason. Sometimes you build what I call a framily, that is friends made of, families.
Connection Beyond Family: Overcoming Dysfunctional Patterns and Learning Healthier Ways to Interact
Friends who become part of our family's trusted circle. These are the people who show up, who share meals, who encourage our kids, who carry our responsibilities, who say, yeah, I'll give you a ride to the airport. Yeah, you can come over and borrow my washing machine. We can be so grateful for our biological family, but we can also welcome others into our family or framily, as I said, who bring wisdom and steadiness and love. And that is something to celebrate with our kids. But connection, really, regardless of family, family, friends, connection takes more than just putting everybody in the same room. We're bringing our histories into our relationships. Some of us learned, if I want to be heard, I have to yell. Some of us learned, if you want to be safe in this house, you better be quiet. Some of us learned that giving an apology means you're weak, you're a failure. It's a character flaw. And some of us learned that keeping up appearances matters much more than, what's going on the outside. Matters much more than what's going on in your heart. And these familiar dysfunctional patterns can feel normal even when they're harmful. And so the encouraging news is that we can learn.
Practicing Healthier Habits: Apologizing to Children and Modeling Repair After Messing Up
We can carry forward the things that were good, even. There's some things that are good even in a bad situation. We can acknowledge what was painful, and we can practice something healthier. We can say that we're sorry to our kids. Yes, we can. And we can model what it looks like to mess up and to ask forgiveness and to start over and to repent and to make a new way. We can listen when people are sharing the ways that they've hurt us without Feeling the need to defend our every intention because many of us that is so closely attached to our identity. And when somebody says, hey, you hurt me in this way, what we hear immediately is, I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom. You, you can't say that because I'm not a bad wife and I'm not a bad mom. And let me immediately tell you how you're wrong in all the things when really they're just saying, there's this one issue.
Thriving in Family Life: Navigating Rupture and Repair, and Understanding Early Childhood Development
It's not an identity issue, it's just a behavior issue. So today I'm going to talk about what helps children thrive within family life, how family, healthy families work through rupture and repair, and how to approach difficult decisions about contact. Wherever your family's starting, just think about what is one step that you can take this holiday season coming up to build a healthy legacy. And when we go back to the beginning and we look at how family supports development, Family connections impact your child and your childhood. They impacted you in so many ways because it's about physical wellbeing, how your family provides meals for you, what you eat, when you go to sleep, how you move, what healthcare access you have, the physical protection that you have. Those things are impacted by family. But it's also emotional and social development, learning and independence, and spiritual formation. Those are things that our first, earliest memories are going to be from our families. And they deeply, deeply imprint themselves on the human brain. And children learn what love means through what happens repeatedly when they have a need, who notices, who follows through, who helps them when something goes wrong and they learn. I can trust on people, I can depend on people. My needs will be met. I am seen, I am known, I am loved. Or they learned my needs are not going to be met. So I need to find somebody to make them to meet those needs for me, or I just need to meet them myself.
Dependability and Consistency in Family: Building Trustworthy Relationships and Seeking Support
And so we can, we can know that sometimes in that family structure, our kids are missing something while also naming the love and strength surrounding them that is important. The issue, it doesn't matter your family structure as much as it matters about dependability and, consistency. So in thinking about your family, who's around you, maybe you live in a place where your family lives far away, or maybe you live in a place where your family relationships are great. Maybe you live in a place where it's like everybody's Loves Raymond and they're a little too close, right? They're just right across the street. Whatever your family situation is, I want to ask you These questions, do you have trustworthy people who are regularly in your life, in your home, who are walking side by side with you, who are supporting your kids, who know them by name? Your kids know that those are safe people, whether that's through your family, friendships, church or community. Are you regularly gathering with those people to share a meal, to do life together, to help each other with things that you need help with? Are you encouraging your kids to seek consistent relationships with caring adults? Whether that's a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle, a Sunday school teacher, a coach, whoever it is, are you showing your kids, hey, these are safe people you can go to.
Establishing Boundaries and Expectations: Teaching Children About Trusted Adults and Respecting Privacy
These are people who love you, who care about you, who are going to step into my world, affirm, ah, the things that I'm teaching you, who are walking those things out in life? And are you establishing expectations with those people around who's going to supervise your kids and when and what degree of privacy you have in that relationship and what is shared and what isn't, and, who disciplines and who doesn't. Those are some boundary conversations to have. Because here's one thing that we should always teach kids is that trusted adults respect those boundaries that are put in place by the parents and never, ever, ever require secrecy about interactions. There's any time I teach my kids, if they say, can you keep a secret? They are trained automatically to say, no, I cannot. I'm not able to keep a secret. I tell my mother everything. So unless you want what you're telling me to tell my mother, please don't tell me a secret. Now, I can hold a confidence.
The Importance of a Village: Practicing Presence, Repairing Ruptures, and Healthy Conflict Resolution
I can definitely be very discreet, but I'm also going to tell somebody if you're telling me something that's concerning, concerning. Now, every, every family needs a village. And a village is so useful when people know how to show up, when they know they can pick up your kid from soccer practice, they can bring you dinner, they can walk alongside with you. That is really important to practice being present and just be physically, emotionally, relationally connected and learn how to rupture and repair. Because every one of these family para family structures, they're going, you're going to have conflict. You're going to hurt each other people. You, you are imperfect people who are living closely together. You will experience ruptures. The important work is recognizing, okay, I hurt you, even if I didn't intend to. I recognize the impact that had on you. I accept responsibility for that and I ask for your forgiveness. And I'm going to change because when we have the, ways of rupture and repair that come down and maybe like when we have conflict, this is going to be, we're going to shout it out, we're just going to withdraw. We're going to sweep it under the rug. We're going to humiliate you into submission. We're going to, to just act cheerful and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Healthy Accountability in Families: Distinguishing Conflicts and Introducing the ABC Repair Framework
We're going to make our kids responsible for managing our emotions. Or that respect means never asking me any questions, never questioning me, never saying I did anything wrong. When we come back, I'm going to talk about what healthy accountability looks like in a family and how do we. I'm going to teach you the ABC repair framework. Yep, it's just that easy as abc because we need to distinguish ordinary conflicts from ongoing conflicts that are harmful, that are eroding the value of your family relationships. not every conflict requires estrangement. We'll talk more about that when I come back, right after this break.
Without people like you, this podcast would not exist
Hello, I'm Jessica peck, host of Dr. Nurse Mama. did you know that this content is listener supported? Without people like you, this podcast would not exist. And that's why we need you. A generous monthly gift of any amount will help sustain American family Radio and specifically this podcast. Please consider becoming a monthly financial partner today by visiting afr.net/give that's afr.net/give
The Commission by CAIN: see my hands and look at my feet. It's okay if it's hard to believe. I have faith you will do greater things. It's my time to go but, before I leave, go tell the world about the me for I was de Now I live. I've got to go now for a little while but goodbye is not the end.
Dr. Jessica Peck: welcome back, friends. That's the commission by Cain and as Christians. We, we are called to tell the world about the good news of Jesus. And the most important people we will ever tell is our family. And that's the habit today is be with family. Now, for some of you, you love that you couldn't love it anymore. And some of you, that's a tough thing wherever you are along the continuum. I'm talking about repairing conflict and family, how it impacts our kids. And I'm going to talk about that whole no contact controversy. So stay tuned because I will get there. One of the important things that we need to recognize is that every family is going to have conflict. You live imperfect people in close quarters and you absolutely will have conflict. Siblings have conflict. Spouses have conflict.
Safety First: Boundaries for Violent Threats, Abuse, and Guilt Over Establishing Safety Measures
Parents and children have conflict. We have external family Conflict and conflict can be a really good thing. Ordinary conflict just means that we can disagree, we can hold each other accountable. Maybe we didn't like it very much, but most of the time that conflict is a pathway back to connection. Now, I want to say really clearly, if there is any sort of violent threat, safety concern, abuse present, those are always reasons for boundaries that require separation with safety. So I'm just going to say that right up front. That is, that is definitely a boundary that needs to be put in place. And those things do happen in this world. And I talked to a lot of people, even, just recently, just this week, had somebody reach out to me and talk about the guilt that they felt for putting up boundaries. But they're.
Distinguishing Discomfort from Danger: Navigating Uncomfortable Feelings and Unhealthy Conflict Patterns
It was abuse in that situation, and there should be no guilt for putting up safety boundaries in that way. Now, if you're there, what, what I say, and I'll talk about this more, is you always need to have some outside counsel and professional help in those kinds of situations. But let me just put that aside for a minute. But the truth is, feeling uncomfortable does not automatically make a relationship dangerous. If someone has an undesirable behavior or does something that you don't like, that doesn't automatically make them toxic. And we have. We're too quick to do that. That is really important. But when we look at this ordinary conflict, that's just normal. Sometimes that can be, it feels ordinary, but really there's an underlying pattern of conflict because you haven't learned healthy conflict resolution.
The ABC Repair Framework: Accepting Accountability, Being Remorseful, and Committing to Change
One of the most important things that we can do is learn how to apologize. Now this comes from ABC. It's that easy. It's 1, 2, 3. Okay.
Dr. Jessica Peck: It really isn't that easy. But the framework is easy. Doing it is hard. It's so important to know that we are imperfect humans and we're going to mess up and we're going to hurt our family. That's just going to happen. But it's so powerful to be able to go to them and to apologize. So this is a abc, framework. The first thing is accept accountability. Now you notice the first thing was not. I'm sorry. The first thing that a. Is accepted accountability. That would look something like this. Hey, I, I just yelled at you. That was wrong. And I could see that it made you feel really scared. That is accepting accountability. Not, you're not even to I'm sorry yet, because you can think, I didn't mean to yell. And you contributed to this too. And you're thinking all these excuses, but you just Take accountability in that moment. You know what? Regardless of the circumstance, regardless of my intent, because intent doesn't negate impact. I can have the best intentions in the world and still hurt someone I love. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't apologize for that. Even because I didn't intend to. I didn't mean to. So I somehow get a free pass, I get out of jail free card. Means that I acknowledge what happened. I. I was thoughtless. I forgot that. I didn't mean to forget it. I didn't intentionally forget it. I just. I, forgot. But I see that really hurt you because it was important to you and you feel like it was important. I would have remembered that. A is accept accountability. Then B is be remorseful. I'm sorry I hurt you. I understand that you still may feel upset. I'm. Will you please forgive me? And then you commit to change. That's the C, commit to change. Accept accountability, Be remorseful, commit to change.
Effective Apologies: Pausing Conversations, Giving Space, and Making Restitution to Build Trust
So then you say, when I feel overwhelmed, I'm going to pause before I continue the conversation. You don't want to ever say, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. But you especially is even worse. Give the other person room to describe the impact it had. Even if that's uncomfortable for you. Recognize that they're not speaking so much to your identity. Focus it on the behavior and the situation. Make restitution when you can, make it right. When you can bring flowers, give a gift, double show up the next time. You know, make sure you're early. Make restitution when you can, and then follow through. Because if you repeatedly apologize but you don't commit to change and you just keep doing the same thing over and over and over again, what that does is breaks trust and it causes distance in the relationship. Because it's more painful to have that broken trust than it is to have the conflict and the repair. It's easier to be distant and not disappointed with broken trust because. Because that starts to lead into identity issues.
Forgiveness and Repair: Allowing Space for Healing and Modeling Repair for Children
Don't pressure a child or your spouse or an adult. Don't pressure someone to forgive immediately. Give them some space. Don't force them to hug their sibling. Comfort the adult, you know, give me a hug, make me feel better. No, just initiate when they're ready. An apology is just basically opening the door. Consistent changes invites the other person to walk through that door. That's where you've got to build trust. We model repair without making kids responsible for our problems.
Owning Our Actions: Modeling Repair, Managing Emotions, and Accepting Grace During Learning Curves
Sometimes there's things that we have to own. I've had to do that in my own life, where I tell my kids, okay, you know what? I grew up differently than you, than I raised you. I know that it changes the way that I see the world. This just felt really a lot more sensitive to me than I know you could possibly understand. I'm sorry. I see it. I see it, and I want you to help me recognize it. You might say something like, I spoke sharply at breakfast. You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. I was frustrated, but managing my frustrations is my responsibility. I should not have put that on you. I can see that it made you feel really small. And I'm sorry. And when I'm frustrated, this is what I'm going to do instead. You see how you model that then. Then you let the kid return to being a kid. And, and we can, manage our adult stress and seek accountability with another. Sometimes we just kind of expect our kids to regulate our emotions, like, okay, well, I messed up and I feel bad, so I need you to make me feel better about that so that I go away from this thinking, I'm a good mom. Nope, we got to give that to God. We got to call people in our family, people in our circle, and also the person who's been wrong has got to give grace while the other person's building new habits. We can't expect perfection. We expect a learning curve. And we can say, I know, I know you're practicing this. You'll get it, it'll be okay.
Seeking Professional Help and Celebrating Progress: Navigating Family Dynamics with Holistic Support
And. And there may, that may be a chance that you need an opportunity, that you invite some professional counseling in. If there's a persistent pattern, if there's something that you just can't seem to get over, if it's really severe, if it's really prolonged, you might need a licensed counselor or mental health professional. And pastoral support can certainly accompany, ah, that you need holistic support. You want to be protective of your family. Not everybody needs to know everything, but somebody needs to know something to help you and celebrate the little things. When you see somebody working on committing to change, celebrate the progress that is really, really important without demanding that the other person say, okay, it's over, it's done. You can't ever bring that up again because it is part of their experience. So there's grace here. We can become more trustworthy through being humble, through, follow through. But repair, active repair, requires participation. It's not just, I'm sorry, okay, I forgive you. Let's move on. You need some active repair work and some relationship, need stronger limits and boundaries and Those boundaries can be really difficult to navigate. So let's go into, as I promised, the no contact, the no contact trend.
The No Contact Trend: Generational Differences in Discussing Dysfunction and Managing Uncomfortable Feelings
Now, we hear about this a lot in the news and I do not doubt that that is not a very real experience for a lot of people. We have two things that are true at the same time. We have a generation and younger generations in Gen Z who are actually willing to talk about dysfunction in a way that previous generations said that is taboo, that is disrespectful. We all know they're like that, but nobody's going to say anything about it. So actually, I think that's a good thing in Gen Z, calling out some of those dysfunctional patterns, saying, hey, it's not okay to just sweep this under the rug and pretend like it never happened. Hey, it's not okay to just move on and laugh and act like this never impacted me. It's not okay for us to not talk about our family problems, but talk with everybody else and gossip about it. That's okay to call those things out. The same time, we have a younger generation that has been trained to be more sensitive to feelings and we numb out any uncomfortable feeling that we have by scrolling by whatever numbing thing that we're going to do. Whether sometimes that can be really dysfunctional and unhealthy, like alcohol or drugs, and sometimes it's just gaming or doing a hobby or being a workaholic.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation: The Importance of Forgiveness for Personal Well-being
When we're immersed in those unhealthy patterns, we need to recognize that, that we're using that as coping. And we need to recognize that in healthy relationships there's going to be uncomfortable feelings, unpleasant feelings that we can work through. So forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. When we are wronged, we are always called to forgive. We are biblically mandated to forgive. The forgiveness is for us much more than it's for the person who wronged us. Because holding on to for unforgiveness will literally rot your body and kill your soul. It just is destructive. I've heard it said, and I'm sure you have too. It's like eating poison and expecting the other person to be sick or harmed.
Reconciliation Requires Partnership: Setting Boundaries and Specific Examples of Boundary Setting
That's just not going to happen. But reconciliation is different. We can forgive, but not always fully reconcile, not always full to be together. Reconciliation requires both parties to come to the table for mutual participation, to be willing to partner together to make a safe basis for a relationship. And trust is what's going to grow through that reliability. Forgiveness doesn't automatically require unrestricted access. If I say I've forgiven you. That doesn't mean, okay, we're going right back to do all the things that we have. There may be different boundaries for families in place. Now. Boundary identifies what you're going to participate in and what you will do if a limit is crossed. So let me give you some really specific examples of this. If you start shouting at me, I'm going to end this call. If you start shouting and yelling at me, I'm going to walk away from this conversation. I will not participate in a shouting match. Maybe you say we can visit for an hour, but we're not going to stay overnight. That's the boundary. We won't discuss this disagreement in front of the children. I'm happy to talk about it with you, but I will not participate in a discussion in front of the kids. And you may say, you are welcome to visit our kids, but I need to be present for that visit.
Navigating No Contact: Assessing Abuse, Coercion, Safety Concerns, and Harmful Patterns
That's a boundary. I'm willing to talk about what happened, but I'm not going to continue a conversation that includes insults, foul language, whatever it might be. A useful boundary is specific enough that you can follow through. It doesn't depend on making that other person agree with you. It says, this is what I will participate in and this is where I will withdraw my participation. So that's can be a really helpful tool. And that's where you need to think about. When you're thinking about, do you need to go? No contact with a family member. And there's some discernment here because the first question to ask is, is there abuse, coercion, serious safety concern? If the answer to that is yes, then yes, there definitely needs to be boundaries there. There very well may need to be absolutely no contact. You absolutely need some professional guidance and help. Whether that's law, enfor enforcement, an attorney, a counselor, biblical counsel, you need help that is far beyond what you can give yourself. If there's no if, that's not true, if you think, no, it's not to that level, is this painful disagreement a persistent, harmful pattern?
Gradual Contact and Support Systems: Establishing Boundaries for Family Visits and Enforcing Them
If there's a persistent pattern where you're constantly being hurt, that's a place where you probably need some good, healthy boundaries. Is the person acknowledging the harms they've caused, whether intentional or not, and are they respecting your limits? If that's the case, then boundaries are probably going to be helpful there. And is there a, way that you could be gradual about it? Could there be a structured contact, a reduced contact, something that's safe and workable? So when you're thinking about family Situations like, okay, we want to come and see you for Christmas, we will come on this day, at this time, and we will stay this long, and this is the boundary for that. Or we'll come, but we're not going to stay overnight, whatever that may be. We'll come, but you know, you, our kids are coming to visit, but we'll stay present the whole time and then think about, okay, if you put these boundaries in place, what support does your family need? What you, what support do you need to enforce that boundary? And what would need to change before contact was re, reinstated.
Coping with No Contact: Acknowledging Grief, Seeking Counsel, and Owning Your Percentage
That's really important. And so some practical guidance. I encourage you, if you are at any way thinking of going non, no contact with a family member, you really need some individual counsel. Whether that's from a biblical counselor, whether that's from a wise pastor, a spiritual mentor, someone who is real, who's familiar with the relevant dynamics, or who could become familiar in a professional way as someone who respects your faith and who's going to help you walk through that. Now, if someone has gone, no contact with you, oh, that, that is so hard. That's so hard. And I know there's some of you listening who have experienced that. And it is just, just one of the deepest hurts I know for some of you can be one of the greatest shames that you carry. What did I do to have my family fall apart this way? You may beat yourself up. I want you to acknowledge the grief of that loss. That's really hard without immediately assigning blame. Just hold that loss for a second and just recognize that, yeah, I've, lost something. The dream of what could be the closeness that I thought we could have, that we used to have, have. And I want you to really think about sharing with someone trusted those concerns that you have.
Respecting Distance and Praying for Reconciliation: Trusting God Amidst Family Challenges
Go to a counselor again, whether that's a biblical counselor, a wise pastor, go and, and talk with someone who will help you see the situation clearly. Own your percentage of it, even if you only own 1% of 100%, own 100% of that 1% and work on change even when you can't demonstrate it directly to the other person. Respect their request for distance. I'll give you a few more tips on this when we come back. I don't want to rush through this too much because I know it's so painful, but it is so important and nothing, nothing is impossible for God. I'll tell you a little more on the other side of this break and I'll give you some home front headlines. See you in Just a minute.
American Family Association: Standing Against Enemies of God, the enemies of Your Family
Jeff Chamblee: We live in a day when America's families are under attack like never before. Buddy Smith, Senior Vice President of the American Family Association. The war against biblical principles rages on numerous fronts. The Internet, Hollywood, Washington, D.C. america, corporate boardrooms, and the list goes on. at American Family association, we're committed to standing against the enemies of God, the enemies of your family. And we recognize it's an impossible task without God's favor and your partnership. Thank you for being faithful to pray for this ministry, to give financially and to respond to our calls for activism. What you do on the home front is crucial to what we do on the battlefront. We praise God for your faithfulness and may he give us many victories in the battles ahead as we work together to restore our nation's biblical foundations.
Thy Will by Hillary Scott & The Scott Family: I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don't want to think I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan When I try to pray all I got is her and these four words. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be Done.
Navigating Holidays and Estrangement: Acknowledging Grief and Seeking Trusted Support
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is thy will. Hillary Scott and the Scott family. And that is a really hard thing to accept the sovereignty of God, especially when we're dealing with issues of family hurt, conflict and estrangement. And I know for many of you with the holidays coming up, you're already stressing about what are we going to tell them? Are we going to go, Are we not going to go? All of these questions. Listen, it's early. You have a lot of time to pre decide and I encourage you to make those boundaries, whatever boundaries, they need to be earlier rather than later so that nobody is caught off surprise and you have that weight off of your chest. And before the break, I was just talking to the people who have experienced really real pain with their families when their families have gone, no contact with them.
Owning Actions and Effects: Accepting Unfairness and Responding to Children's Choices
And I encourage you, you to acknowledge the grief that you've been experiencing and to reach out to someone who is trusted, who is wise, who will help you. I meet so many people who are, ah, estranged from their children, from other family members, and they've never told another soul about it. Now, not everybody has to know everything. Nobody, not everybody needs to know your family business, but you need to reach out to somebody trusted to help you walk through and see what you're not seeing. It's very possible you could have had really great intentions and had a hurtful impact and that's a hard Hard thing. That's a hard thing to accept. But you can own your actions and their effects. You can work on changes even when you cannot demonstrate it directly to the other person. And sometimes it's just a case of being very unfair. Maybe you haven't done anything wrong and maybe you were the best parent that you could be. And, and somehow, you know, we see there is a, a pendulum on therapy, culture. There's a great healthy continuum. And then there's the everybody's toxic. You've got to do you, protect you, all of those things. And that may be hurtful.
Praying for Reconciliation and Learning in Waiting Seasons: Trusting God's Good Gifts
It may be that your kids are making choices that are actively contrary to what you have raised them to be. I really encourage you. If they request distance, be respectful of that. Avoid repeated messages or surprise visits or recruiting relatives to pressure them. Go to the throne of God. Pray for your kids. Pray for reconciliation. We serve a good God who loves to give good gifts to his children. And I have prayed for that. And I have seen miraculous restoration of relationships in my own life. And I've seen some that I'm still praying for. But I know that I have a good God who would not withhold anything good from me. And in the waiting season, I'm continuing to ask, what is he teaching me? What do I need to learn now? If communication remains welcome in your situation, just apologize.
Opening the Door for Reconciliation: Simple Apologies, Invitations to Listen, and Age-Appropriate Explanations
Just write an apology with no excuses, no blame, no anything. Just accountability. Just taking accountability for what you see. Give them an invitation that says, I'm willing to listen. Leave the door for reconciliation open while recognizing we have to accept we cannot control the timing or the outcome. Many times we cannot do that. And if you're supporting your children through complicated family relationships, just give simple, age appropriate explanations. They don't need to be dragged into the family drama. You just need to say, hey, we aren't going to visit right now because this person in our life is working on making visits, a safe and happy experience for us. We can't be around this family member right now because they're making choices that are not healthy.
Protecting Children from Family Drama: Explaining Separation and Allowing Them to Be Sad
And I don't want you to have to handle or hold the fallout of that. But we're going to pray for them and we're going to pray that God is going to fix that situation. Make it clear that children did not cause any of the separation. You may think, oh, how could they even think that? But a lot of times when there's brokenness, children at, especially at that school age age, they're their brains are looking for cause and effect and they think, oh, I did something bad. I threw a temper tantrum at their house. Maybe you're not even remembering that and you're thinking that's what caused it, you tell them, hey, this is not your fault, that you didn't do anything to cause this. This is not your fault. And, allow them to be sad, allow them to ask questions, answer the ones that you can honestly and tell them, like Corrie Ten Boom's dad did, this is a suitcase that is too heavy for you to carry. I'm going to carry this. I can't tell you everything, but I'll tell you everything I can. And just give them information. give them information as they need it. Give them reliable routines, supportive relationships. If you're going to a relative's house for the holidays and that relationship is tenuous, it's difficult.
Safe Havens During Difficult Visits: Providing Children with Escape Routes and Reliable Routines
Make sure you give your child instruction on how to come and find you. Hey, if anything happens that makes you uncomfortable, if you're in a conversation that is difficult, you just need to say, oh, my mom's looking for me, or have some sort of code word where they can get out of that conversation and say, I need to go find my mom. I need to go find my dad and give them that safe out. We don't ever want to use kids to carry messages or provide information about another household. So in closing on that, you can honor what is good in your family.
Honoring the Good, Grieving the Missing, and Protecting What's Needed in Family Legacies
You can grieve what's missing, what's lost, and you can protect what needs protecting. But we can also commit to healthy legacies. And I just pray that God would give you wisdom. And, I pray that he would show you gratitude for the gift of family and for the people who become family through friendship. I pray that God would continue to give all of us humility to recognize what we do that's wrong, to take accountability, have courage to make those repairs, and wisdom to establish healthy boundaries.
Homefront Headlines: The Impact of Digital Consumption on Discipleship and Worldview
And I do pray that God would comfort those of you who are grieving and those of you who are caring so much. I pray that he would be so close to you. And as we're navigating complicated family dynamics, it feels like the world is just complicated. And when I look at the Homefront headlines as I scan the news every week very eagerly to see what is impacting children. I have three things that I want to talk to you about, and we talked last week about being influencers.
Parental Influence vs. Social Media: The Power of Screens in Discipling Children
And some of the research that I'm looking at this week is just affirming what we already know. That endless, repetitive digital consumption is discipling us and we are just so numb and so apathetic to us and apathetic to us. And that is really concerning. So I want you to know the research is affirming that that endless scrolling definitely impacts worldview. And up until this point in child health research what we have known is even though when kids get to be teenagers the perception is that their peers opinion matters more than their parents parents, that has not been true actually. And when we look at how their teens actually manifest the value of that behavior through their be through that opinion through their behavior, like okay, I may say one thing, but I'm actually going to do what you tell me to do. Parents are hands down champions in those early stages of adolescence. The pure voices are louder. But as kids get to older adolescence, if they have a good healthy relationship with their parents, they're going to do what their parents say way I fear I really, and I don't use that word lightly, but I fear that that's being turned on its head by social media because it's such a more powerful influence than peers. It's shinier, it's slicker, it is on 24 7.
Habits of Discipleship: Resisting Fear and Resentment Through Intentional Family Time
It is run by very highly trained, highly motivated entities. We need to wake up and make sure that we are influencing and discipling our family and our children because discipleship impacts attacks the habits that we have. That's how we learn what matters. We learn who to trust, we learn how to respond to the threats and things that are happening in the world. And we can receive biblical teaching on Sunday or Wednesday while spending the rest of the week just rehearsing fear and resentment and all and comparison and all kinds of things that are not good for us.
Prioritizing Attention: Sharing Life Together and Replacing Scrolling with Intentional Connection
And so this is important for families to know. This is why we need to spend time sharing life together. Not just co streaming, not streaming in silos, not texting each other from another room. Children experience our priorities through our attention. When we are giving them our full attention, they think okay, I'm important, what I feel what I think is important. And I have my parents full attention. And scrolling is just occupying those ordinary spaces where discipleship is supposed to happen happen because at breakfast instead of scrolling, we can pray about the day ahead. And when you wake up in the morning, instead of reaching immediately for your phone, you can start to pray in the car. We can help a kid process a disagreement instead of just letting them scroll when we're making dinner. They can sit at a chair, at a bar stool right by the counter and talk to us about their day.
The Power of Parental Influence: Listening, Following Through, and Experiencing Faith
Just give them Cookies. They will come, I promise. At bedtime we talk about that. Parents are influencers before you ever post anything that is really important. So I just want you, I want to bring that to your attention, continue to bring that to your attention.
Examining Your Habits: Who is Discipling You and Protecting Opportunities for Connection
Look at your own habits of where and who is discipling you, where you're being discipled and who is discipling you. And protect those daily opportunities for connection, whether that's in the morning, with your family, in the nighttime, ah, where at the weekend, whatever it is, replace whatever that doom scrolling habit is with something that's intentional and shared life together with your family, whether it's playing a game, calling your grandparents, going on a walk, do something together and talk about who is discipling you, who are you learning from, who is influencing you. That is really important. You already have influence in your home. Use it to make your connections stronger. Let your kids experience someone who listens and follows through and helps them understand life, life through the lens of faith. The second one that I wanted to talk to you about is again about screens. And this was a study that was posted in a pediatric journal that, that surveyed, close to 500 US teenagers about their experiences during the past four weeks online. Now about 10.7% of them said they had seen violent imagery. 9.7% said they had seen content encouraging those kids to harm themselves.
Technology's Impact on Sleep and Harassment: Discipline Over Punishment for Protective Guardrails
And 13.4% had seen unwanted sexual imagery. And 51.5 more than half reported that technology was severely disrupting their sleep, that it was, that it was not good. And then 40, 44% had witnessed harassment and 29.8% had experienced it personally. Now again, this was a pilot study, but these findings invite us to pay attention, making sure that we are catching all of the things that our kids are being exposed to because sometimes they may not have language to tell us what they told, what they saw. They may be afraid that if they tell us they saw those things, that will take away their device, will take away their access. And listen, if you have a kid who is desperate for connection and is trying to make connection even in unhealthy ways, the punishment cannot be removing all connection. And that's kind of our default. Just as in, you know, previous generations, if you live in my house, you'll be, by my rule. It feels like the generational playbook of this, of these parents is, you know, you do anything wrong and it's give me your phone, you take your phone. We really need to make sure that we're making the, the punishment, the discipline, be more guardrails protective guardrails, than just punitive punishment.
Monitoring Media and Practicing Sleep Hygiene: Avoiding Self-Soothing Through Excessive Scrolling
We need to discipline more than we need punishment. Punishment brings shame. Discipline brings grace, which is so important. So make sure that you are physically present, that you are monitoring the media that your kids are watching. Even if you think it's something harmless, that's something that companies are doing is embedding harmful material and things that look like they're harmless. Because that's another way to get kids there. Make sure that you always tell your kids if anything happens that you're not sure about, that you're uncomfortable about, makes you feel like you did something wrong, you can always come and tell me anything. It's also a good reminder to practice good sleep hygiene. If you want to know more about that, you can go back to our rhythms section, of the habits that we did earlier this year. We need to make sure that our kids are not just self soothing by scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. I said this statistic that I learned not too long ago that the average American scrolls amount of content on your smartphone equivalent to the height of the Statue of Liberty every single day. And yet we're saying we're so busy we don't have time to connect. It's just so busy. Yeah, we filled it with scrolling. That's just the honest truth. The last thing that I want to tell you about before we go is something really tough. But hang there with me. If your child enjoys anime, that's that is in and of itself is not a particular reason for alarm. But there is an increasing amount of animated content that is sexually explicit. And one of the things that caught my eye was raising awareness about a specific genre called hentai. That's H e n t a I and that's a term for sexually explicit animation and anime style. One of the hardest things is that these are words that are unfamiliar to us. We know what explicit means, we know what pornographic means, we know what violent means, but we don't know some of these other words. Now this should not strike fear in our hearts and just cause us to run for the hills and go and check our kids devices. Although you should do that.
Home Safety and Connection: Co-Viewing Harmful Content and Prioritizing Family Connection
Make sure that you know that even things that appear harmless because they can look like a cartoon tune can be harmful. And that's important for us to co view things with our kids. And we need to make sure that we are paying attention and making sure that they feel connected to us as their family first and foremost. That that is where they're trained and where they are primed to come back and see connection, not from strangers online. They need that connection and we have to be intentional about it.
Teaching Biblical Convictions and Praying for Families: Blessing, Peace, and Continued Guidance
We can teach clear biblical convictions while making our homes places where we have families that can talk about tough truths. And I pray wherever you are and whatever your family situation is, that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and give you peace. I'll see you right back here on Monday.
PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion, and has seen over 100,000 commitments to Christ.
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Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
Thanking Preborn Sponsor and Highlighting Their Mission to Save Lives Through Ultrasounds
Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby or visit preborn.com/AFR what if one moment could change a life forever? Every day, mothers facing unplanned pregnancies walk into PreBorn Network clinics searching for hope. Through a free ultrasound, they meet their baby for the very first time. And when they see that tiny life and hear that heartbeat, everything can change.
Dan Steiner: Hey friend. Dan Steiner, president at PreBorn here with a heartfelt thank you. Because you know what? This year so far, your partnership with PreBorn has saved over 50,000 babies and moms from abortion and wouldn't have happened without you. What you are doing together with PreBorn is truly changing generations. Every tax deductible dollar that you give is used to rescue babies lives and lead moms to Jesus Christ. So far this year alone We've seen over 8,000 women give their hearts to Christ. All because you helped with an ultrasound scan for $28 or a machine for $15,000. So thank you. Your caring help so saves lives both for earth and for eternity. God bless you.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Right now, more mothers are waiting for that life changing moment. $28 helps to provide one life saving ultrasound. $140 helps rescue five babies. To donate to out pound 250 and say the keyword baby, that's pound 250 baby or visit preborn.com/AFR afr that's preborn.com/AFR Every gift is tax- deductible. Hello and welcome to the Doctor Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here and Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well hey there friends. Welcome to another fry. Yay. And it is such a good Friday because it's an October Friday, it's a Friday in the fall and I don't know, you may live in a place like I do where it's still 90 something degrees, but I still am just embracing all the fall spirits, spirit, all the Friday night lights, all the fun things and whether you're working or traveling or just planning a quiet weekend at home, I hope that you are going to have a great weekend. And I hope that during that time, during the time of the weekend that you're going to have a chance to connect with someone in your family. We're talking about the habits. We're talking about healthy habits for healthy families on this Friday series. And in this segment that we are doing, we're talking about what I'm calling the be attitudes, which are just ways to be.
Being an Influencer in Your Family and the Importance of Being Present with Family Members
And last week we talked about being an influencer in your family, which is so important because everywhere in the world, people and entities are trying to influence your family. They're being intentional about it. They're putting a big investment in it. They're spending a lot of money. They have a lot of time in the attention economy, and we need to be there first. This week, I'm talking about being with family. That's the habit. Be with family. Now this. Some of you are thinking, okay, yeah, and like, I do that all the time. It's great, great. And some of you are thinking, yeah, I really wish my family lived closer. I wish we had more time together. And some of you are thinking, it was, I don't know about that.
God's Design for Family and Understanding Diverse Family Dynamics and Emotional Connections
So we're going to talk to all of those family situations. But God designed the family. He decided, designed us to live in the community of our family. And when I say be with family, what does come to your mind? Do you think of a Sunday dinner? Are you one of those amazing families who just gets together maybe after church on Sunday? If you are, please, invite me to come and have dinner with your family. I love that. I think that's amazing. Do you think of a crowded kitchen? I. I do. With my granny. Do you think of someone who knows your stories and someone who remembers you before you had your life figured out, when you still had braces or you were still awkward, or does your stomach tighten a little? Maybe family to you is a really emotionally charged word in and of itself. Maybe it means walking on eggshells.
Navigating Family Challenges: Grief, Brokenness, and Learning Relationships Through Family Experiences
Maybe it's preparing and bracing yourself for the latest bit of criticism. Maybe it's wondering when that old argument is going to resurface again. Maybe you're grieving someone who should be at the dinner table. Maybe you've lost them to trauma, maybe divorce, maybe death, maybe other abandonment, any kind of issue. Or maybe you're raising children in a family that just looks different than what you imagined, and you're wondering, can I give them everything that they need? Is this family good enough? Today's habit makes room for all of those realities because there is grace in, a broken world. Family is one of the first places that we learn what relationships feel like. We discover whether someone is going to respond to us when we need help, whether we can safely admit our mistakes and recover with grace and support, and whether disagreement, agreement brings us closer through healthy conflict resolution, or it threatens our identity and our sense of belonging. Families are where we learn how to rest, how to work, how to pray, how to share, how to care about other people.
Biblical Family Design and Adapting to Broken World Realities: Adoption, Foster Care, and Blended Families
And these lessons just happen in the most ordinary moments. When we're getting ready for school, when we're handling disappointment, when we're working through an argument, when we get our feelings hurt, when we just sit together at the end of the day, when we're riding in the car together. From a biblical perspective, I affirm God's good design for children to be raised by a mother and a father committed to one another, committed to their care of their children. That is a design that is worth supporting. It's a design worth pursuing. And it is the ideal situation for kids in this world. But I also recognize that we do live in the realities of a broken world. We have things like death and divorce and abandonment and chronic illness, even in and unsafe relationships and all kinds of situations that can change a family structure. We have adoption and foster care and grandparents stepping in to be parents and other relatives who can become part of a child's circle of care. Now, if you're parenting alone, you're raising a grandchild, you're navigating a blended family.
A Strengths-Based Approach to Family: Focusing on Blessings and Not Predetermining Futures
This conversation, is not an indictment of anything that you don't have. It is an invitation to identify and appreciate and celebrate what you do. This is what we call in my field a strengths based approach, where we're not just looking at all of the deficiencies we have. We're looking at the ways that God has blessed us, the ways that God has gifted us, the way that we are uniquely prepared to be able to navigate some of those challenges that comes our way. And here's the best news of all. Your children's future is not predetermined by the difficulties your family has faced. Are they affected by it? Absolutely. Are they influenced by it? Yes, they absolutely are. But their future is not predetermined. A household structure alone cannot tell us whether the relationships inside of it are safe and attentive and dependable. And we use this term a broken home, for really uniquely to parents and families who have experienced divorce. But there are plenty of homes where the parents are not divorced, where they're very much together, that are broken by abuse, by dysfunction, by neglect, by constant conflict. And one of the most but In.
Protective Factors for Children: The Importance of Stable Relationships and Building a 'Framily'
Regardless of that, one of the most important protective factors for children facing hardship, because all children will face some degree of trauma or trial or tragedy. But the most important protective factor is a stable, committed relationship with a supportive adult. Research is very clear about this. We can face hard things. Kids can face hard things. But if they have an adult who's attached to them in a healthy way, who is invested in their life. Notice I did not say perfect. Responds perfectly in every way. But is who. Who is committed, who's consistent, who's present, they're most likely gonna be okay. And that should encourage us to invest in dependable relationships. That is so important. And sometimes we. When your family situation is less than ideal, when it is, dysfunctional to the point of abusive, and that's just not possible for whatever reason. Sometimes you build what I call a framily, that is friends made of, families.
Connection Beyond Family: Overcoming Dysfunctional Patterns and Learning Healthier Ways to Interact
Friends who become part of our family's trusted circle. These are the people who show up, who share meals, who encourage our kids, who carry our responsibilities, who say, yeah, I'll give you a ride to the airport. Yeah, you can come over and borrow my washing machine. We can be so grateful for our biological family, but we can also welcome others into our family or framily, as I said, who bring wisdom and steadiness and love. And that is something to celebrate with our kids. But connection, really, regardless of family, family, friends, connection takes more than just putting everybody in the same room. We're bringing our histories into our relationships. Some of us learned, if I want to be heard, I have to yell. Some of us learned, if you want to be safe in this house, you better be quiet. Some of us learned that giving an apology means you're weak, you're a failure. It's a character flaw. And some of us learned that keeping up appearances matters much more than, what's going on the outside. Matters much more than what's going on in your heart. And these familiar dysfunctional patterns can feel normal even when they're harmful. And so the encouraging news is that we can learn.
Practicing Healthier Habits: Apologizing to Children and Modeling Repair After Messing Up
We can carry forward the things that were good, even. There's some things that are good even in a bad situation. We can acknowledge what was painful, and we can practice something healthier. We can say that we're sorry to our kids. Yes, we can. And we can model what it looks like to mess up and to ask forgiveness and to start over and to repent and to make a new way. We can listen when people are sharing the ways that they've hurt us without Feeling the need to defend our every intention because many of us that is so closely attached to our identity. And when somebody says, hey, you hurt me in this way, what we hear immediately is, I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom. You, you can't say that because I'm not a bad wife and I'm not a bad mom. And let me immediately tell you how you're wrong in all the things when really they're just saying, there's this one issue.
Thriving in Family Life: Navigating Rupture and Repair, and Understanding Early Childhood Development
It's not an identity issue, it's just a behavior issue. So today I'm going to talk about what helps children thrive within family life, how family, healthy families work through rupture and repair, and how to approach difficult decisions about contact. Wherever your family's starting, just think about what is one step that you can take this holiday season coming up to build a healthy legacy. And when we go back to the beginning and we look at how family supports development, Family connections impact your child and your childhood. They impacted you in so many ways because it's about physical wellbeing, how your family provides meals for you, what you eat, when you go to sleep, how you move, what healthcare access you have, the physical protection that you have. Those things are impacted by family. But it's also emotional and social development, learning and independence, and spiritual formation. Those are things that our first, earliest memories are going to be from our families. And they deeply, deeply imprint themselves on the human brain. And children learn what love means through what happens repeatedly when they have a need, who notices, who follows through, who helps them when something goes wrong and they learn. I can trust on people, I can depend on people. My needs will be met. I am seen, I am known, I am loved. Or they learned my needs are not going to be met. So I need to find somebody to make them to meet those needs for me, or I just need to meet them myself.
Dependability and Consistency in Family: Building Trustworthy Relationships and Seeking Support
And so we can, we can know that sometimes in that family structure, our kids are missing something while also naming the love and strength surrounding them that is important. The issue, it doesn't matter your family structure as much as it matters about dependability and, consistency. So in thinking about your family, who's around you, maybe you live in a place where your family lives far away, or maybe you live in a place where your family relationships are great. Maybe you live in a place where it's like everybody's Loves Raymond and they're a little too close, right? They're just right across the street. Whatever your family situation is, I want to ask you These questions, do you have trustworthy people who are regularly in your life, in your home, who are walking side by side with you, who are supporting your kids, who know them by name? Your kids know that those are safe people, whether that's through your family, friendships, church or community. Are you regularly gathering with those people to share a meal, to do life together, to help each other with things that you need help with? Are you encouraging your kids to seek consistent relationships with caring adults? Whether that's a grandparent, an aunt or an uncle, a Sunday school teacher, a coach, whoever it is, are you showing your kids, hey, these are safe people you can go to.
Establishing Boundaries and Expectations: Teaching Children About Trusted Adults and Respecting Privacy
These are people who love you, who care about you, who are going to step into my world, affirm, ah, the things that I'm teaching you, who are walking those things out in life? And are you establishing expectations with those people around who's going to supervise your kids and when and what degree of privacy you have in that relationship and what is shared and what isn't, and, who disciplines and who doesn't. Those are some boundary conversations to have. Because here's one thing that we should always teach kids is that trusted adults respect those boundaries that are put in place by the parents and never, ever, ever require secrecy about interactions. There's any time I teach my kids, if they say, can you keep a secret? They are trained automatically to say, no, I cannot. I'm not able to keep a secret. I tell my mother everything. So unless you want what you're telling me to tell my mother, please don't tell me a secret. Now, I can hold a confidence.
The Importance of a Village: Practicing Presence, Repairing Ruptures, and Healthy Conflict Resolution
I can definitely be very discreet, but I'm also going to tell somebody if you're telling me something that's concerning, concerning. Now, every, every family needs a village. And a village is so useful when people know how to show up, when they know they can pick up your kid from soccer practice, they can bring you dinner, they can walk alongside with you. That is really important to practice being present and just be physically, emotionally, relationally connected and learn how to rupture and repair. Because every one of these family para family structures, they're going, you're going to have conflict. You're going to hurt each other people. You, you are imperfect people who are living closely together. You will experience ruptures. The important work is recognizing, okay, I hurt you, even if I didn't intend to. I recognize the impact that had on you. I accept responsibility for that and I ask for your forgiveness. And I'm going to change because when we have the, ways of rupture and repair that come down and maybe like when we have conflict, this is going to be, we're going to shout it out, we're just going to withdraw. We're going to sweep it under the rug. We're going to humiliate you into submission. We're going to, to just act cheerful and pretend like nothing ever happened.
Healthy Accountability in Families: Distinguishing Conflicts and Introducing the ABC Repair Framework
We're going to make our kids responsible for managing our emotions. Or that respect means never asking me any questions, never questioning me, never saying I did anything wrong. When we come back, I'm going to talk about what healthy accountability looks like in a family and how do we. I'm going to teach you the ABC repair framework. Yep, it's just that easy as abc because we need to distinguish ordinary conflicts from ongoing conflicts that are harmful, that are eroding the value of your family relationships. not every conflict requires estrangement. We'll talk more about that when I come back, right after this break.
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The Commission by CAIN: see my hands and look at my feet. It's okay if it's hard to believe. I have faith you will do greater things. It's my time to go but, before I leave, go tell the world about the me for I was de Now I live. I've got to go now for a little while but goodbye is not the end.
Dr. Jessica Peck: welcome back, friends. That's the commission by Cain and as Christians. We, we are called to tell the world about the good news of Jesus. And the most important people we will ever tell is our family. And that's the habit today is be with family. Now, for some of you, you love that you couldn't love it anymore. And some of you, that's a tough thing wherever you are along the continuum. I'm talking about repairing conflict and family, how it impacts our kids. And I'm going to talk about that whole no contact controversy. So stay tuned because I will get there. One of the important things that we need to recognize is that every family is going to have conflict. You live imperfect people in close quarters and you absolutely will have conflict. Siblings have conflict. Spouses have conflict.
Safety First: Boundaries for Violent Threats, Abuse, and Guilt Over Establishing Safety Measures
Parents and children have conflict. We have external family Conflict and conflict can be a really good thing. Ordinary conflict just means that we can disagree, we can hold each other accountable. Maybe we didn't like it very much, but most of the time that conflict is a pathway back to connection. Now, I want to say really clearly, if there is any sort of violent threat, safety concern, abuse present, those are always reasons for boundaries that require separation with safety. So I'm just going to say that right up front. That is, that is definitely a boundary that needs to be put in place. And those things do happen in this world. And I talked to a lot of people, even, just recently, just this week, had somebody reach out to me and talk about the guilt that they felt for putting up boundaries. But they're.
Distinguishing Discomfort from Danger: Navigating Uncomfortable Feelings and Unhealthy Conflict Patterns
It was abuse in that situation, and there should be no guilt for putting up safety boundaries in that way. Now, if you're there, what, what I say, and I'll talk about this more, is you always need to have some outside counsel and professional help in those kinds of situations. But let me just put that aside for a minute. But the truth is, feeling uncomfortable does not automatically make a relationship dangerous. If someone has an undesirable behavior or does something that you don't like, that doesn't automatically make them toxic. And we have. We're too quick to do that. That is really important. But when we look at this ordinary conflict, that's just normal. Sometimes that can be, it feels ordinary, but really there's an underlying pattern of conflict because you haven't learned healthy conflict resolution.
The ABC Repair Framework: Accepting Accountability, Being Remorseful, and Committing to Change
One of the most important things that we can do is learn how to apologize. Now this comes from ABC. It's that easy. It's 1, 2, 3. Okay.
Dr. Jessica Peck: It really isn't that easy. But the framework is easy. Doing it is hard. It's so important to know that we are imperfect humans and we're going to mess up and we're going to hurt our family. That's just going to happen. But it's so powerful to be able to go to them and to apologize. So this is a abc, framework. The first thing is accept accountability. Now you notice the first thing was not. I'm sorry. The first thing that a. Is accepted accountability. That would look something like this. Hey, I, I just yelled at you. That was wrong. And I could see that it made you feel really scared. That is accepting accountability. Not, you're not even to I'm sorry yet, because you can think, I didn't mean to yell. And you contributed to this too. And you're thinking all these excuses, but you just Take accountability in that moment. You know what? Regardless of the circumstance, regardless of my intent, because intent doesn't negate impact. I can have the best intentions in the world and still hurt someone I love. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't apologize for that. Even because I didn't intend to. I didn't mean to. So I somehow get a free pass, I get out of jail free card. Means that I acknowledge what happened. I. I was thoughtless. I forgot that. I didn't mean to forget it. I didn't intentionally forget it. I just. I, forgot. But I see that really hurt you because it was important to you and you feel like it was important. I would have remembered that. A is accept accountability. Then B is be remorseful. I'm sorry I hurt you. I understand that you still may feel upset. I'm. Will you please forgive me? And then you commit to change. That's the C, commit to change. Accept accountability, Be remorseful, commit to change.
Effective Apologies: Pausing Conversations, Giving Space, and Making Restitution to Build Trust
So then you say, when I feel overwhelmed, I'm going to pause before I continue the conversation. You don't want to ever say, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. But you especially is even worse. Give the other person room to describe the impact it had. Even if that's uncomfortable for you. Recognize that they're not speaking so much to your identity. Focus it on the behavior and the situation. Make restitution when you can, make it right. When you can bring flowers, give a gift, double show up the next time. You know, make sure you're early. Make restitution when you can, and then follow through. Because if you repeatedly apologize but you don't commit to change and you just keep doing the same thing over and over and over again, what that does is breaks trust and it causes distance in the relationship. Because it's more painful to have that broken trust than it is to have the conflict and the repair. It's easier to be distant and not disappointed with broken trust because. Because that starts to lead into identity issues.
Forgiveness and Repair: Allowing Space for Healing and Modeling Repair for Children
Don't pressure a child or your spouse or an adult. Don't pressure someone to forgive immediately. Give them some space. Don't force them to hug their sibling. Comfort the adult, you know, give me a hug, make me feel better. No, just initiate when they're ready. An apology is just basically opening the door. Consistent changes invites the other person to walk through that door. That's where you've got to build trust. We model repair without making kids responsible for our problems.
Owning Our Actions: Modeling Repair, Managing Emotions, and Accepting Grace During Learning Curves
Sometimes there's things that we have to own. I've had to do that in my own life, where I tell my kids, okay, you know what? I grew up differently than you, than I raised you. I know that it changes the way that I see the world. This just felt really a lot more sensitive to me than I know you could possibly understand. I'm sorry. I see it. I see it, and I want you to help me recognize it. You might say something like, I spoke sharply at breakfast. You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. I was frustrated, but managing my frustrations is my responsibility. I should not have put that on you. I can see that it made you feel really small. And I'm sorry. And when I'm frustrated, this is what I'm going to do instead. You see how you model that then. Then you let the kid return to being a kid. And, and we can, manage our adult stress and seek accountability with another. Sometimes we just kind of expect our kids to regulate our emotions, like, okay, well, I messed up and I feel bad, so I need you to make me feel better about that so that I go away from this thinking, I'm a good mom. Nope, we got to give that to God. We got to call people in our family, people in our circle, and also the person who's been wrong has got to give grace while the other person's building new habits. We can't expect perfection. We expect a learning curve. And we can say, I know, I know you're practicing this. You'll get it, it'll be okay.
Seeking Professional Help and Celebrating Progress: Navigating Family Dynamics with Holistic Support
And. And there may, that may be a chance that you need an opportunity, that you invite some professional counseling in. If there's a persistent pattern, if there's something that you just can't seem to get over, if it's really severe, if it's really prolonged, you might need a licensed counselor or mental health professional. And pastoral support can certainly accompany, ah, that you need holistic support. You want to be protective of your family. Not everybody needs to know everything, but somebody needs to know something to help you and celebrate the little things. When you see somebody working on committing to change, celebrate the progress that is really, really important without demanding that the other person say, okay, it's over, it's done. You can't ever bring that up again because it is part of their experience. So there's grace here. We can become more trustworthy through being humble, through, follow through. But repair, active repair, requires participation. It's not just, I'm sorry, okay, I forgive you. Let's move on. You need some active repair work and some relationship, need stronger limits and boundaries and Those boundaries can be really difficult to navigate. So let's go into, as I promised, the no contact, the no contact trend.
The No Contact Trend: Generational Differences in Discussing Dysfunction and Managing Uncomfortable Feelings
Now, we hear about this a lot in the news and I do not doubt that that is not a very real experience for a lot of people. We have two things that are true at the same time. We have a generation and younger generations in Gen Z who are actually willing to talk about dysfunction in a way that previous generations said that is taboo, that is disrespectful. We all know they're like that, but nobody's going to say anything about it. So actually, I think that's a good thing in Gen Z, calling out some of those dysfunctional patterns, saying, hey, it's not okay to just sweep this under the rug and pretend like it never happened. Hey, it's not okay to just move on and laugh and act like this never impacted me. It's not okay for us to not talk about our family problems, but talk with everybody else and gossip about it. That's okay to call those things out. The same time, we have a younger generation that has been trained to be more sensitive to feelings and we numb out any uncomfortable feeling that we have by scrolling by whatever numbing thing that we're going to do. Whether sometimes that can be really dysfunctional and unhealthy, like alcohol or drugs, and sometimes it's just gaming or doing a hobby or being a workaholic.
Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation: The Importance of Forgiveness for Personal Well-being
When we're immersed in those unhealthy patterns, we need to recognize that, that we're using that as coping. And we need to recognize that in healthy relationships there's going to be uncomfortable feelings, unpleasant feelings that we can work through. So forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. When we are wronged, we are always called to forgive. We are biblically mandated to forgive. The forgiveness is for us much more than it's for the person who wronged us. Because holding on to for unforgiveness will literally rot your body and kill your soul. It just is destructive. I've heard it said, and I'm sure you have too. It's like eating poison and expecting the other person to be sick or harmed.
Reconciliation Requires Partnership: Setting Boundaries and Specific Examples of Boundary Setting
That's just not going to happen. But reconciliation is different. We can forgive, but not always fully reconcile, not always full to be together. Reconciliation requires both parties to come to the table for mutual participation, to be willing to partner together to make a safe basis for a relationship. And trust is what's going to grow through that reliability. Forgiveness doesn't automatically require unrestricted access. If I say I've forgiven you. That doesn't mean, okay, we're going right back to do all the things that we have. There may be different boundaries for families in place. Now. Boundary identifies what you're going to participate in and what you will do if a limit is crossed. So let me give you some really specific examples of this. If you start shouting at me, I'm going to end this call. If you start shouting and yelling at me, I'm going to walk away from this conversation. I will not participate in a shouting match. Maybe you say we can visit for an hour, but we're not going to stay overnight. That's the boundary. We won't discuss this disagreement in front of the children. I'm happy to talk about it with you, but I will not participate in a discussion in front of the kids. And you may say, you are welcome to visit our kids, but I need to be present for that visit.
Navigating No Contact: Assessing Abuse, Coercion, Safety Concerns, and Harmful Patterns
That's a boundary. I'm willing to talk about what happened, but I'm not going to continue a conversation that includes insults, foul language, whatever it might be. A useful boundary is specific enough that you can follow through. It doesn't depend on making that other person agree with you. It says, this is what I will participate in and this is where I will withdraw my participation. So that's can be a really helpful tool. And that's where you need to think about. When you're thinking about, do you need to go? No contact with a family member. And there's some discernment here because the first question to ask is, is there abuse, coercion, serious safety concern? If the answer to that is yes, then yes, there definitely needs to be boundaries there. There very well may need to be absolutely no contact. You absolutely need some professional guidance and help. Whether that's law, enfor enforcement, an attorney, a counselor, biblical counsel, you need help that is far beyond what you can give yourself. If there's no if, that's not true, if you think, no, it's not to that level, is this painful disagreement a persistent, harmful pattern?
Gradual Contact and Support Systems: Establishing Boundaries for Family Visits and Enforcing Them
If there's a persistent pattern where you're constantly being hurt, that's a place where you probably need some good, healthy boundaries. Is the person acknowledging the harms they've caused, whether intentional or not, and are they respecting your limits? If that's the case, then boundaries are probably going to be helpful there. And is there a, way that you could be gradual about it? Could there be a structured contact, a reduced contact, something that's safe and workable? So when you're thinking about family Situations like, okay, we want to come and see you for Christmas, we will come on this day, at this time, and we will stay this long, and this is the boundary for that. Or we'll come, but we're not going to stay overnight, whatever that may be. We'll come, but you know, you, our kids are coming to visit, but we'll stay present the whole time and then think about, okay, if you put these boundaries in place, what support does your family need? What you, what support do you need to enforce that boundary? And what would need to change before contact was re, reinstated.
Coping with No Contact: Acknowledging Grief, Seeking Counsel, and Owning Your Percentage
That's really important. And so some practical guidance. I encourage you, if you are at any way thinking of going non, no contact with a family member, you really need some individual counsel. Whether that's from a biblical counselor, whether that's from a wise pastor, a spiritual mentor, someone who is real, who's familiar with the relevant dynamics, or who could become familiar in a professional way as someone who respects your faith and who's going to help you walk through that. Now, if someone has gone, no contact with you, oh, that, that is so hard. That's so hard. And I know there's some of you listening who have experienced that. And it is just, just one of the deepest hurts I know for some of you can be one of the greatest shames that you carry. What did I do to have my family fall apart this way? You may beat yourself up. I want you to acknowledge the grief of that loss. That's really hard without immediately assigning blame. Just hold that loss for a second and just recognize that, yeah, I've, lost something. The dream of what could be the closeness that I thought we could have, that we used to have, have. And I want you to really think about sharing with someone trusted those concerns that you have.
Respecting Distance and Praying for Reconciliation: Trusting God Amidst Family Challenges
Go to a counselor again, whether that's a biblical counselor, a wise pastor, go and, and talk with someone who will help you see the situation clearly. Own your percentage of it, even if you only own 1% of 100%, own 100% of that 1% and work on change even when you can't demonstrate it directly to the other person. Respect their request for distance. I'll give you a few more tips on this when we come back. I don't want to rush through this too much because I know it's so painful, but it is so important and nothing, nothing is impossible for God. I'll tell you a little more on the other side of this break and I'll give you some home front headlines. See you in Just a minute.
American Family Association: Standing Against Enemies of God, the enemies of Your Family
Jeff Chamblee: We live in a day when America's families are under attack like never before. Buddy Smith, Senior Vice President of the American Family Association. The war against biblical principles rages on numerous fronts. The Internet, Hollywood, Washington, D.C. america, corporate boardrooms, and the list goes on. at American Family association, we're committed to standing against the enemies of God, the enemies of your family. And we recognize it's an impossible task without God's favor and your partnership. Thank you for being faithful to pray for this ministry, to give financially and to respond to our calls for activism. What you do on the home front is crucial to what we do on the battlefront. We praise God for your faithfulness and may he give us many victories in the battles ahead as we work together to restore our nation's biblical foundations.
Thy Will by Hillary Scott & The Scott Family: I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don't want to think I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan When I try to pray all I got is her and these four words. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Thy will be Done.
Navigating Holidays and Estrangement: Acknowledging Grief and Seeking Trusted Support
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is thy will. Hillary Scott and the Scott family. And that is a really hard thing to accept the sovereignty of God, especially when we're dealing with issues of family hurt, conflict and estrangement. And I know for many of you with the holidays coming up, you're already stressing about what are we going to tell them? Are we going to go, Are we not going to go? All of these questions. Listen, it's early. You have a lot of time to pre decide and I encourage you to make those boundaries, whatever boundaries, they need to be earlier rather than later so that nobody is caught off surprise and you have that weight off of your chest. And before the break, I was just talking to the people who have experienced really real pain with their families when their families have gone, no contact with them.
Owning Actions and Effects: Accepting Unfairness and Responding to Children's Choices
And I encourage you, you to acknowledge the grief that you've been experiencing and to reach out to someone who is trusted, who is wise, who will help you. I meet so many people who are, ah, estranged from their children, from other family members, and they've never told another soul about it. Now, not everybody has to know everything. Nobody, not everybody needs to know your family business, but you need to reach out to somebody trusted to help you walk through and see what you're not seeing. It's very possible you could have had really great intentions and had a hurtful impact and that's a hard Hard thing. That's a hard thing to accept. But you can own your actions and their effects. You can work on changes even when you cannot demonstrate it directly to the other person. And sometimes it's just a case of being very unfair. Maybe you haven't done anything wrong and maybe you were the best parent that you could be. And, and somehow, you know, we see there is a, a pendulum on therapy, culture. There's a great healthy continuum. And then there's the everybody's toxic. You've got to do you, protect you, all of those things. And that may be hurtful.
Praying for Reconciliation and Learning in Waiting Seasons: Trusting God's Good Gifts
It may be that your kids are making choices that are actively contrary to what you have raised them to be. I really encourage you. If they request distance, be respectful of that. Avoid repeated messages or surprise visits or recruiting relatives to pressure them. Go to the throne of God. Pray for your kids. Pray for reconciliation. We serve a good God who loves to give good gifts to his children. And I have prayed for that. And I have seen miraculous restoration of relationships in my own life. And I've seen some that I'm still praying for. But I know that I have a good God who would not withhold anything good from me. And in the waiting season, I'm continuing to ask, what is he teaching me? What do I need to learn now? If communication remains welcome in your situation, just apologize.
Opening the Door for Reconciliation: Simple Apologies, Invitations to Listen, and Age-Appropriate Explanations
Just write an apology with no excuses, no blame, no anything. Just accountability. Just taking accountability for what you see. Give them an invitation that says, I'm willing to listen. Leave the door for reconciliation open while recognizing we have to accept we cannot control the timing or the outcome. Many times we cannot do that. And if you're supporting your children through complicated family relationships, just give simple, age appropriate explanations. They don't need to be dragged into the family drama. You just need to say, hey, we aren't going to visit right now because this person in our life is working on making visits, a safe and happy experience for us. We can't be around this family member right now because they're making choices that are not healthy.
Protecting Children from Family Drama: Explaining Separation and Allowing Them to Be Sad
And I don't want you to have to handle or hold the fallout of that. But we're going to pray for them and we're going to pray that God is going to fix that situation. Make it clear that children did not cause any of the separation. You may think, oh, how could they even think that? But a lot of times when there's brokenness, children at, especially at that school age age, they're their brains are looking for cause and effect and they think, oh, I did something bad. I threw a temper tantrum at their house. Maybe you're not even remembering that and you're thinking that's what caused it, you tell them, hey, this is not your fault, that you didn't do anything to cause this. This is not your fault. And, allow them to be sad, allow them to ask questions, answer the ones that you can honestly and tell them, like Corrie Ten Boom's dad did, this is a suitcase that is too heavy for you to carry. I'm going to carry this. I can't tell you everything, but I'll tell you everything I can. And just give them information. give them information as they need it. Give them reliable routines, supportive relationships. If you're going to a relative's house for the holidays and that relationship is tenuous, it's difficult.
Safe Havens During Difficult Visits: Providing Children with Escape Routes and Reliable Routines
Make sure you give your child instruction on how to come and find you. Hey, if anything happens that makes you uncomfortable, if you're in a conversation that is difficult, you just need to say, oh, my mom's looking for me, or have some sort of code word where they can get out of that conversation and say, I need to go find my mom. I need to go find my dad and give them that safe out. We don't ever want to use kids to carry messages or provide information about another household. So in closing on that, you can honor what is good in your family.
Honoring the Good, Grieving the Missing, and Protecting What's Needed in Family Legacies
You can grieve what's missing, what's lost, and you can protect what needs protecting. But we can also commit to healthy legacies. And I just pray that God would give you wisdom. And, I pray that he would show you gratitude for the gift of family and for the people who become family through friendship. I pray that God would continue to give all of us humility to recognize what we do that's wrong, to take accountability, have courage to make those repairs, and wisdom to establish healthy boundaries.
Homefront Headlines: The Impact of Digital Consumption on Discipleship and Worldview
And I do pray that God would comfort those of you who are grieving and those of you who are caring so much. I pray that he would be so close to you. And as we're navigating complicated family dynamics, it feels like the world is just complicated. And when I look at the Homefront headlines as I scan the news every week very eagerly to see what is impacting children. I have three things that I want to talk to you about, and we talked last week about being influencers.
Parental Influence vs. Social Media: The Power of Screens in Discipling Children
And some of the research that I'm looking at this week is just affirming what we already know. That endless, repetitive digital consumption is discipling us and we are just so numb and so apathetic to us and apathetic to us. And that is really concerning. So I want you to know the research is affirming that that endless scrolling definitely impacts worldview. And up until this point in child health research what we have known is even though when kids get to be teenagers the perception is that their peers opinion matters more than their parents parents, that has not been true actually. And when we look at how their teens actually manifest the value of that behavior through their be through that opinion through their behavior, like okay, I may say one thing, but I'm actually going to do what you tell me to do. Parents are hands down champions in those early stages of adolescence. The pure voices are louder. But as kids get to older adolescence, if they have a good healthy relationship with their parents, they're going to do what their parents say way I fear I really, and I don't use that word lightly, but I fear that that's being turned on its head by social media because it's such a more powerful influence than peers. It's shinier, it's slicker, it is on 24 7.
Habits of Discipleship: Resisting Fear and Resentment Through Intentional Family Time
It is run by very highly trained, highly motivated entities. We need to wake up and make sure that we are influencing and discipling our family and our children because discipleship impacts attacks the habits that we have. That's how we learn what matters. We learn who to trust, we learn how to respond to the threats and things that are happening in the world. And we can receive biblical teaching on Sunday or Wednesday while spending the rest of the week just rehearsing fear and resentment and all and comparison and all kinds of things that are not good for us.
Prioritizing Attention: Sharing Life Together and Replacing Scrolling with Intentional Connection
And so this is important for families to know. This is why we need to spend time sharing life together. Not just co streaming, not streaming in silos, not texting each other from another room. Children experience our priorities through our attention. When we are giving them our full attention, they think okay, I'm important, what I feel what I think is important. And I have my parents full attention. And scrolling is just occupying those ordinary spaces where discipleship is supposed to happen happen because at breakfast instead of scrolling, we can pray about the day ahead. And when you wake up in the morning, instead of reaching immediately for your phone, you can start to pray in the car. We can help a kid process a disagreement instead of just letting them scroll when we're making dinner. They can sit at a chair, at a bar stool right by the counter and talk to us about their day.
The Power of Parental Influence: Listening, Following Through, and Experiencing Faith
Just give them Cookies. They will come, I promise. At bedtime we talk about that. Parents are influencers before you ever post anything that is really important. So I just want you, I want to bring that to your attention, continue to bring that to your attention.
Examining Your Habits: Who is Discipling You and Protecting Opportunities for Connection
Look at your own habits of where and who is discipling you, where you're being discipled and who is discipling you. And protect those daily opportunities for connection, whether that's in the morning, with your family, in the nighttime, ah, where at the weekend, whatever it is, replace whatever that doom scrolling habit is with something that's intentional and shared life together with your family, whether it's playing a game, calling your grandparents, going on a walk, do something together and talk about who is discipling you, who are you learning from, who is influencing you. That is really important. You already have influence in your home. Use it to make your connections stronger. Let your kids experience someone who listens and follows through and helps them understand life, life through the lens of faith. The second one that I wanted to talk to you about is again about screens. And this was a study that was posted in a pediatric journal that, that surveyed, close to 500 US teenagers about their experiences during the past four weeks online. Now about 10.7% of them said they had seen violent imagery. 9.7% said they had seen content encouraging those kids to harm themselves.
Technology's Impact on Sleep and Harassment: Discipline Over Punishment for Protective Guardrails
And 13.4% had seen unwanted sexual imagery. And 51.5 more than half reported that technology was severely disrupting their sleep, that it was, that it was not good. And then 40, 44% had witnessed harassment and 29.8% had experienced it personally. Now again, this was a pilot study, but these findings invite us to pay attention, making sure that we are catching all of the things that our kids are being exposed to because sometimes they may not have language to tell us what they told, what they saw. They may be afraid that if they tell us they saw those things, that will take away their device, will take away their access. And listen, if you have a kid who is desperate for connection and is trying to make connection even in unhealthy ways, the punishment cannot be removing all connection. And that's kind of our default. Just as in, you know, previous generations, if you live in my house, you'll be, by my rule. It feels like the generational playbook of this, of these parents is, you know, you do anything wrong and it's give me your phone, you take your phone. We really need to make sure that we're making the, the punishment, the discipline, be more guardrails protective guardrails, than just punitive punishment.
Monitoring Media and Practicing Sleep Hygiene: Avoiding Self-Soothing Through Excessive Scrolling
We need to discipline more than we need punishment. Punishment brings shame. Discipline brings grace, which is so important. So make sure that you are physically present, that you are monitoring the media that your kids are watching. Even if you think it's something harmless, that's something that companies are doing is embedding harmful material and things that look like they're harmless. Because that's another way to get kids there. Make sure that you always tell your kids if anything happens that you're not sure about, that you're uncomfortable about, makes you feel like you did something wrong, you can always come and tell me anything. It's also a good reminder to practice good sleep hygiene. If you want to know more about that, you can go back to our rhythms section, of the habits that we did earlier this year. We need to make sure that our kids are not just self soothing by scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. I said this statistic that I learned not too long ago that the average American scrolls amount of content on your smartphone equivalent to the height of the Statue of Liberty every single day. And yet we're saying we're so busy we don't have time to connect. It's just so busy. Yeah, we filled it with scrolling. That's just the honest truth. The last thing that I want to tell you about before we go is something really tough. But hang there with me. If your child enjoys anime, that's that is in and of itself is not a particular reason for alarm. But there is an increasing amount of animated content that is sexually explicit. And one of the things that caught my eye was raising awareness about a specific genre called hentai. That's H e n t a I and that's a term for sexually explicit animation and anime style. One of the hardest things is that these are words that are unfamiliar to us. We know what explicit means, we know what pornographic means, we know what violent means, but we don't know some of these other words. Now this should not strike fear in our hearts and just cause us to run for the hills and go and check our kids devices. Although you should do that.
Home Safety and Connection: Co-Viewing Harmful Content and Prioritizing Family Connection
Make sure that you know that even things that appear harmless because they can look like a cartoon tune can be harmful. And that's important for us to co view things with our kids. And we need to make sure that we are paying attention and making sure that they feel connected to us as their family first and foremost. That that is where they're trained and where they are primed to come back and see connection, not from strangers online. They need that connection and we have to be intentional about it.
Teaching Biblical Convictions and Praying for Families: Blessing, Peace, and Continued Guidance
We can teach clear biblical convictions while making our homes places where we have families that can talk about tough truths. And I pray wherever you are and whatever your family situation is, that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and give you peace. I'll see you right back here on Monday.
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Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.
It's Ask Dr. Nurse Mama Friday! Jessica introduces this week's healthy habit of being with family. She also talks about this week's Homefront Headlines.
https://giving.preborn.com/preborn/checkout/afa?sc=43490GF2022&campaign=404750
Chapters:
(00:00) Thanking Preborn Sponsor and Highlighting Their Mission to Save Lives Through Ultrasounds
(02:49) Being an Influencer in Your Family and the Importance of Being Present with Family Members
(03:31) God's Design for Family and Understanding Diverse Family Dynamics and Emotional Connections
(04:20) Navigating Family Challenges: Grief, Brokenness, and Learning Relationships Through Family Experiences
(05:34) Biblical Family Design and Adapting to Broken World Realities: Adoption, Foster Care, and Blended Families
(06:41) A Strengths-Based Approach to Family: Focusing on Blessings and Not Predetermining Futures
(07:56) Protective Factors for Children: The Importance of Stable Relationships and Building a 'Framily'
(08:57) Connection Beyond Family: Overcoming Dysfunctional Patterns and Learning Healthier Ways to Interact
(10:14) Practicing Healthier Habits: Apologizing to Children and Modeling Repair After Messing Up
(11:03) Thriving in Family Life: Navigating Rupture and Repair, and Understanding Early Childhood Development
(12:29) Dependability and Consistency in Family: Building Trustworthy Relationships and Seeking Support
(13:54) Establishing Boundaries and Expectations: Teaching Children About Trusted Adults and Respecting Privacy
(14:41) The Importance of a Village: Practicing Presence, Repairing Ruptures, and Healthy Conflict Resolution
(15:57) Healthy Accountability in Families: Distinguishing Conflicts and Introducing the ABC Repair Framework
(16:43) Without people like you, this podcast would not exist
(18:49) Safety First: Boundaries for Violent Threats, Abuse, and Guilt Over Establishing Safety Measures
(19:39) Distinguishing Discomfort from Danger: Navigating Uncomfortable Feelings and Unhealthy Conflict Patterns
(20:28) The ABC Repair Framework: Accepting Accountability, Being Remorseful, and Committing to Change
(22:21) Effective Apologies: Pausing Conversations, Giving Space, and Making Restitution to Build Trust
(23:29) Forgiveness and Repair: Allowing Space for Healing and Modeling Repair for Children
(24:01) Owning Our Actions: Modeling Repair, Managing Emotions, and Accepting Grace During Learning Curves
(25:20) Seeking Professional Help and Celebrating Progress: Navigating Family Dynamics with Holistic Support
(26:33) The No Contact Trend: Generational Differences in Discussing Dysfunction and Managing Uncomfortable Feelings
(27:45) Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation: The Importance of Forgiveness for Personal Well-being
(28:30) Reconciliation Requires Partnership: Setting Boundaries and Specific Examples of Boundary Setting
(29:47) Navigating No Contact: Assessing Abuse, Coercion, Safety Concerns, and Harmful Patterns
(30:59) Gradual Contact and Support Systems: Establishing Boundaries for Family Visits and Enforcing Them
(32:00) Coping with No Contact: Acknowledging Grief, Seeking Counsel, and Owning Your Percentage
(33:16) Respecting Distance and Praying for Reconciliation: Trusting God Amidst Family Challenges
(34:07) American Family Association: Standing Against Enemies of God, the enemies of Your Family
(36:11) Navigating Holidays and Estrangement: Acknowledging Grief and Seeking Trusted Support
(37:03) Owning Actions and Effects: Accepting Unfairness and Responding to Children's Choices
(38:16) Praying for Reconciliation and Learning in Waiting Seasons: Trusting God's Good Gifts
(39:09) Opening the Door for Reconciliation: Simple Apologies, Invitations to Listen, and Age-Appropriate Explanations
(39:59) Protecting Children from Family Drama: Explaining Separation and Allowing Them to Be Sad
(41:06) Safe Havens During Difficult Visits: Providing Children with Escape Routes and Reliable Routines
(41:36) Honoring the Good, Grieving the Missing, and Protecting What's Needed in Family Legacies
(42:10) Homefront Headlines: The Impact of Digital Consumption on Discipleship and Worldview
(42:40) Parental Influence vs. Social Media: The Power of Screens in Discipling Children
(43:56) Habits of Discipleship: Resisting Fear and Resentment Through Intentional Family Time
(44:31) Prioritizing Attention: Sharing Life Together and Replacing Scrolling with Intentional Connection
(45:20) The Power of Parental Influence: Listening, Following Through, and Experiencing Faith
(45:36) Examining Your Habits: Who is Discipling You and Protecting Opportunities for Connection
(46:53) Technology's Impact on Sleep and Harassment: Discipline Over Punishment for Protective Guardrails
(48:12) Monitoring Media and Practicing Sleep Hygiene: Avoiding Self-Soothing Through Excessive Scrolling
(50:10) Home Safety and Connection: Co-Viewing Harmful Content and Prioritizing Family Connection
(50:46) Teaching Biblical Convictions and Praying for Families: Blessing, Peace, and Continued Guidance
(51:14) PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion, and has seen over 100,000 commitments to Christ.
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