Transcript

American Family Radio thanks sponsor, Preborn for supporting pro life advocacy

Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword BABY or visit preborn.com/AFR hello

 : and welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing Hope for Healthy Families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome, welcome, welcome to my favorite time of day getting to spend time with you prescribing Hope for Healthy Families. So listen, today we're going to talk about a topic that, that is really experienced by a lot more families than maybe we realize. And I'm really glad to introduce to you Laura Petherbridge. Now you may remember she was on the show not too long ago and we were just about to get into a really good conversation about step families, blended families. We even had some conversation about what term to use. But before I do, before we go back and pick up that conversation, I want to tell you that we actually will be together, Laura and I, along with Mary, many other tremendous speakers at the Roots to Fruit Activate Summit in 2026. This is a conference that's going to be held in Tupelo, Mississippi in July. It'll be July 16th through the 18th of this summer and registration is open. You can go to afa.netsummit and right now they are. American Family association is offering a 50% off off discount on registration. So I know that, you know, money can be, 50 sorry, I'm so sorry. $50 off. Wow. I'm just giving away the farm here. Thank goodness. I have my producer keep me in line. $50 off, which is a really still a great deal. 50 off. So use that code 50 off. And please just forgive me and remember, I'm not perfect either. So at check off at ah, checkout you can have $50 off that conference registration and we would really love to see you there. This, this theme of this activate summit is really about family. We'll be talking about issues that are related to family. We'll have Bert Harper which many of you know, who many of you know from Exploring the Word. Jeff Schreve from his Heart Ministries, me, Josh Wood, Katy Faust and Laura Petherbridge, who I'm Introducing today and we. This conversation, I think, resonated so deeply with many of you. And Laura and I started it last time because it reflects the reality in homes that are all us, this blended families. I, I know that this is true in my own life, and I know it's true in yours too, because not long ago it might have felt like the exception, but today it's really a part of the everyday story, and we just see it more. And according to the Pew research center, about 16% of children in the United States live in blended families. That means a step parent, a step sibling, a half sibling. And Data from the U.S. census Bureau tells us that about 40% of marriages include at least one spouse who has been married before. And often those relationships bring children into a family. In other words, it's not. This is not a niche conversation. So you may be thinking, well, I don't have a blended family, a step family, but you know, someone who does. And we can, as believers, as, as members of the body of Christ, we can be such an encouragement to others who are experiencing that even if this is not your own story, it. We're talking about your neighborhood, so your church, your schools, your community, and even your extended families. And while blended families, step families can be beautiful, they can also be complex because we're talking about things like love and loss and loyalty that are things that are complicated, the ongoing work of building trust. Usually there's been some sort of loss, some sort of pain that is there. But that is the reason why I'm so grateful to bring back this voice today.

Laura Petherbridge speaks on step family life and spiritual growth after divorce

The voice of Laura Petherbridge who offers both wisdom and compassion, passion in this state, in this space. She is an international speaker, she's a teacher, she's an author. She has spent a lot of years walking alongside couples and single adults, navigating step family life, co parenting, spiritual growth, healing after divorce. And she has co authored the Smart Stepmom with step family expert Ron Deal. And this is a resource, of course, endorsed by Gary Chapman, who we had on the show too. And she's also the author of When I Do Becomes I Don't along with devotionals designed to encourage step moms and what is really a, sacred but sometimes overwhelming role. And she shared her insight at places like the Billy Graham Training Center, Lifeway, family life, Hearts at home, you name it. we. If you're listening today as part of a blended family or you love someone who is, this conversation is for you. Now, I'd encourage you to go back Laura really shared her own personal story and the last time that she was on, and that was so I. I love it when people do that, when they share so authent, because it makes you feel like you're not alone navigating this broken world and the road that the race that is set out for us to finish, knowing that one day, somehow, in ways we don't understand, things will be made new. Laura, that was really too long of an introduction. Thank you so much for hanging with me, and thank you so much for giving us your time today. I'm really looking forward to our conversation.

Laura Petherbridge: Well, I'm honored to be back on the show and to be able to share and explore. I appreciate your heart for stepfamilies.

You made a distinction between step families and blended families

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Laura, let's start there. Let's start with just a brief reminder on terminology, because we had a conversation really briefly about this last time, but just to orient family, because you made a distinction between step families and blended families. And, you know, there's a lot of people who think, I don't even know what term to use. So can we start that to kind of set the expectation for our conversation, to see how you look at this? I think it's really instructive and helpful to set our perspective.

Laura Petherbridge: Yes, that's a great question. Because for years, the phrase step family was pretty much the only phrase we used. When either one or both partners in a marriage came together and perhaps one of them had children, perhaps both of them had children. When they came together, it was called a step family. A handful of years ago, people started rebelling against that phrase so much, they didn't like the step family word, and they started creating the phrase blended family. The only problem with that is that phrase can also mean other things. Sometimes when people say they're from a blended family, it may mean a racially blended family where the husband is one race and the wife is another race. It can also mean a family that has biological children, but they've also added adopted children or foster children. That couple or that family can also use the phrase blended. So it's a little hard today to know when you use the phrase blended family, to know exactly which family we're meaning. But so I use the phrase, interchangeably. So I'll say either step family or blended family. And I mean the exact same thing where either one or both spouses came into the relationship or into the marriage with a child from a previous relationship. So not everyone under the same roof is biologically connected.

Dr. Jessica Peck: I'm really appreciative of that. Clarity going forward. And I think the takeaway that we can take from it. This is just my perspective, coming in healthcare, encountering all kinds of family compositions I do often in clinical, is to really pay attention to the terminology that they're using. You know, what is the term? Do they call the, the children, call the parents mom and dad, or do they use first names? Or is there another name that they use? Or how do they refer to their siblings that may be their step siblings or their half siblings and just be really respectful of the way that they're trying to make sense of that and, and the words and language that they're using. But I just want to make that clear before we dive into this conversation.

Laura says becoming a stepmom triggered many negative emotions in her heart

And Laura, where we left off, that was really kind of a cliffhanger in the last show is you said something really important. You talked about your own healing journey and talked about until you, you healed individually as an individual person, your soul, your spirit, you as a human being, that you were not optimally situated to step into a step family. And so I want to pick back up there with that and really encourage parents who maybe they feel like a lot of times when there's children, especially in the picture, that they've got to put the children first, they've got to be there for the children. But there's a balance that has to happen there, and children are going to be best served by a healed parent. How do we even begin. Begin to step into that space either personally or help someone walk alongside, if we see them, you know, that someone we love who's walking through that time.

Laura Petherbridge: This so crucial. It really is because, and, and I thought I was unique when it very first happened to me. I've been married 40 years now. My stepsons are now adults, but at the time they were 11 and 13 when I married their dad. And I just was not prepared for the ambush of emotions that I was going to feel. I shared in the last show that I have two step moms and one stepdad myself. But see, I only saw that experience through the lens of a child. I hadn't experienced it through the lens of an adult. So when I became a stepmom, and all of a sudden I'm feeling these negative emotions of resentment or ang or frustration, sometimes maybe even jealousy. And as a Christian, we don't like to admit that we're having any of those emotions because these are innocent kids. You know, as a good godly woman, I should just be embracing them and loving on, them and, you know, trying to do all that I can to make their life easier. And I really did want to do that. I just wasn't prepared for how becoming a stepmom would trigger my own inner pain that I did not even really know was there. And here's the irony of all of that. Now that I've worked with step families for 20 some years, when I ask step parents, in particular step moms, how if, if they, when they became a stepmom, did it trigger any childhood pain for them or just inner pain from their own life? I would say about 85% tell me, yes, that it did. Sometimes they knew it was there, sometimes they didn't, but they didn't know what to do with it. That's what all of them really, the. The consensus was. Yes, all of a sudden I'm feeling rejected. I'm feeling insecure. I feel outside the circle. I feel like I don't belong here. I feel less than, I'm having all of these emotions that I was not prepared for. I just had no idea that all of this would come up in my mind and in my heart. And they're becoming very sad and lonely and depressed and angry because all these emotions are stirring and they don't know what to do with them. And so when I recognized that being a stepmom, and I was probably a good eight years into it before it really started dawning on me. Wait a minute. This is, this is like sparking something in me that's older, that's. That's been in there for a while. And I just didn't know it was still there or I had done some therapy and I thought I got rid of that. I thought I had forgiven this person. I thought I had forgiven that person in my childhood or in just, just other areas of my life. Why now that I have stepchildren, am I feeling all of these emotions again that I thought I had healed from? And so that's why my signature statement is always becoming a stepmom taught me more about how to love like Jesus than any other experience in my life. Because it is one constant sacrifice after another. It is one constant reminder that I might not be inside the circle. They might not even. Not even love me. They might not even like me. And I'm in situations sometimes that I can't control. I can't control the ex wife, the ex spouse. I can't control whether these kids are going to embrace me and allow me into their heart or not. And so there's this sense of rejection and frustration which then can manifest into Anger and, or retaliation if I'm not careful. So all of that to say I realized I've got to go get some specific help to learn why did becoming a stepmom trigger some of these emotions that were hidden down still deep inside my heart and mind? And how am I going to let Jesus heal those? So that's really where all of that came from?

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, I want to know the answer to that. We're coming up here on our first break. But, Laura, I think one of the most important things that you said, and again, I referenced at the beginning my appreciation for your transparency and your authenticity. But it was not lost on me that you just said, I think I was about eight years in when I realized. And I think there may be people who think, oh, I should have figured this out by now or it's too late, that ship has sailed. Like, I'm just going to have to make the best of it. But it's never too late. And you were eight years in and now you are how many years, how many decades deep into ministry, into helping other people. And I just feel like there's somebody out there that needs this help and this hope and this message that it is never, ever too late to seek a healing journey. And when we come back, we'll talk some more with Laura Petherbridge about how we can support step families and some of the unique issues that they face. You won't want to miss it. We'll be right back.

 : Candace talks about finding out she was pregnant. Thankfully, an ultrasound provided by PreBorn allowed her to hear her baby's heartbeat. The sonogram sealed the deal for me. My baby was like this tiny little spectrum of hope. And I saw his heart beating on the screen and knowing that there's life growing inside, I mean, that sonogram changed my life. I went from just Candace to mom. Thank you. To everybody that has given these gifts. You guys are giving more than money. You guys are giving love.

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The Cross by Anne Wilson and Chris Tomlin: who told you Grace can't reach the messed up ones like you how's the devil made you believe the lies he tells are true? When you're sure that you're the one who's wandered too far off it's not too, too late Just come home to the cross. Come see a savior's love that will die to make you new M Nothing you have ever done can change what mercy's done for you. And if you ever wonder if your words are greater.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is the cross by Anne Wilson and Chris Tomlin. And really, that's the M message. Exactly. That we're talking about today. It's not too late to pursue a journey of hope and healing. We're talking about the reality of blended families, of step families. We're talking to expert Laura Petherbridge. She's walked this path herself. She has lived experience, experience. And she has turned that pain into purpose and now lives to help equip step families all over the world to navigate the difficult parts of humanity that come along with that. The tough emotions, the practical things you have to navigate. She's written books called the, the Smart Stepmom. She's also written a book called When I Do Becomes I Don't. And we had her on the show on March 3rd. So if you're looking for the first part of that conversation, you can go back and download or listen to the podcast from March 3rd and today we're continuing on. Laura and I will be together at the Activate Summit in July in Tupelo, Mississippi. And right now you can get a 50 off discount at the if with a code. 5, 0 off. 5 the number 5. The number 0 off. If you would like to join us there. And Laura, you were just giving such a beautiful testimony, just a beautiful word of wisdom, interweaving in the wisdom from your own testimony, talking about how important it is to see, to seek a healing journey. And you talked about some of the emotions that can surface that can be surprising. And one of the things I think that I see that's really tough is loyalty. You know, just feeling like you have, especially for kids, they may be having two families and maybe they have this one blended family together, but they still have these elements of family that are separate. Can you talk about some of the practical advice for navigating that? Because that's where I see as a pediatric nurse practitioner, a lot of kids just kind of getting cross caught in the crossfire. They don't mean to, you know, they, the parents don't want that to happen. But some of the logistics just tend to fall that way when you don't have the benefit of being intentional and walking through it or knowing what you're walking into. Can you speak some practical wisdom into that?

Laura Petherbridge: Definitely. Co parenting is extremely difficult. There's just no other way to put it. And children living in two homes, which is typically the circumstance, chance today after a breakup or an uncoupling, as a lot of people call it today, if they weren't married. but the divorce decree or the court order typically today is splitting children pretty much 50, 50. There are pros and cons to that, because the child often does not feel like one place is home. See, when my parents got divorced When I was 8, I lived with my mother and I visited my dad. So I never had that big, turmoil between homes because my mother's house was my home. And although that may sound bad, that, you know, well, that's not fair. The dad's not getting as much time for me as the child. It was much easier than what I'm seeing today, where children are living one week with the mom and the next week with the dad. Because each home may have radically different views on parenting. Parenting on discipline, on homework, on what food they eat, on how much sleep they get, whether they can be on a device 24, seven or not. And see when the rules are tremendously different between homes. This is very hard on the brain of a child because they're just getting used to it being one way. You know, let's say they have to do chores at mom's house, but at dad's house they don't really have to do that. And so you can see where that would be a great deal of confusion, confusion for the brain of a kid. So co parenting today, in my opinion, is much harder than it was when I was a child of divorce, because the navigating of it alone, the logistics of it alone is more complicated. So it's important for the adults that are involved if they can all be on the same page. Obviously that's the ideal solution. What I try to explain to my life coaching clients, if you follow, thought this much while you were married, why did you think co parenting when you're in two different homes was going to be easy or easier? And so that's a reality check that many of us have to, to face when we go through a divorce or we enter a family where children are living in two homes. So it's if the two parents can really get on the same page and agree to some of these crucial things, that's the best case scenario for the child. But getting two people to be that mature is not always the easiest thing because there's pain involved, maybe rejection, maybe one of the spouses had an affair, and so they're still angry that the Family broke up. So yes, this is a huge, huge circumstance. And, you know, there's not really a lot of Christian programs out there today to help children learn how to cope living between two homes. And so it's. It's vitally important for us adults to learn how to do that well, and

Dr. Jessica Peck: talk about the adults who are around these kids. Maybe not the parents. I'm talking about the, you know, Sunday school teachers, the church volunteers, the teachers at the school, the coaches who are coaching these kids on a team. Often those are peripheral adults who kind of see the fallout of maybe what's happening. So things that I'm thinking about are like, say a coach who, There's a kid who has trouble get. Getting their uniform to practice because they're going back and forth between parents homes. And then, you know, they have difficulty navigating all of that and getting stuff to where it needs to be. For me as a nurse, I see kids who have difficulty splitting medication back and forth. I mean, sometimes there's just some of those practical things that can present as a challenge outside the family. It presents in a social situation, you know, where the kid really feels like this wound that they have or this situation or whatever it may be, especially if it's new, if it's tender. And there's some families who are doing it really well. There's some families who, they have the language together, they have this coping skills together, and it's possible to get there. But how can other, other adults and that, and that periphery, how can we respond with sensitivity without making a kid feel even more maybe embarrassed or visible than they are, Just helping them to feel like they're not alone. And how can we be best supportive in that situation?

Laura Petherbridge: Yes, that's. That's superb information. Because the great thing about something like a coach or a teacher or even the pastor kids, pastor at church or something, they're a neutral party. They're a third party. So they don't have an emotion stuck in between these two parents. So it's, it's crucial for those of us that work with kids and that goes teens and you know, adult kids too in some circumstances to have a third party who can maybe talk to both parents and say, hey, look it, I've noticed that Johnny's really struggling with his uniform, that, you know, he shows up every other week, he doesn't have the uniform, and it's stressing him out. And now what you'll find in that very often is that one parent will start blaming the other parent. Well, well, I sent it to his dad's house, but he can't bother to clean it and send it back with him, you know, and so you need to be prepared that you're going to have to defuse some of the arguing between the homes and try to be like a mediator and say, okay, I get that it's hard when the kids living in two homes. Can we come up with a plan? How can we, as the adults, come up with a plan so that he's not losing his uniform in between homes? And so these, people that are out, outside the immediate circle of family members can be a huge help because they're not viewed as trying to win. See, when both parents, their goal is to win and be right, it's never going to work. Because you've got to be humble in this circumstance and say, yes, my former spouse is not showing up and doing the things that my child, our child needs. But I'm going to have to learn how to work with this instead of being argumentative and making him or her look bad. You know, how can I make this easier on my child? So that, that is a crucial point.

Step parents often try to parent more than the parents, Laura says

The next thing I want to say is, I'm going to make some step parents mad when I say this. So just be prepared. A head attack. I don't need any letters, okay? Because I know you're going to be mad when I say this. One of the biggest mistakes that step parents make is they step in to a role that is not theirs to hold.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Ah.

Laura Petherbridge: So they try to parent more than the parents. So what happens is, is that the step parent is frustrated or angry or just, you know, tries to step in and take over because they think either their spouse or the parent in the other home is not doing a good job, not holding up their end of the bargain, not being relia. So they try to jump in and fix all of that. Those of us that are codependent really, really struggle with this, of which I am. And so what that does, though, is it throws gasoline on the flame that is already there because it causes the parents to get angry that a step parent is trying to bust their way in to a parenting role. So unless both parents are inviting the step parent to do that, like, oh, yeah, I'm fine with that. If you want to help Johnny with his uniform, that'd be great. It would help, help us, you know, make sure that he's got that. But often what step parents do is they do that without the invitation, and they get thrown under the bus. The kids mad at them. The other Home is mad at them and sometimes they're even their own spouse is mad at them for stepping in when this isn't their child. Sometimes you've got to step back and let the parents be the parents. So don't over parent.

Dr. Jessica Peck: That's really hard to do, I'm sure because most step parents who are thinking that, thinking, well, I'm well intentioned, like that's coming from a good place. Like I really want this to work. I am trying, I am sacrificing, I am, you know, I am all in. And then to feel rejected in some way, you know, I know that that is, is really, really hard to do. And all of these things that we're talking about, these are very tender dynamics. And I know when I talk to parents who are navigating divorce remarriage, especially when there are children involved, it's really hard when they see their children express pain in some way, in many of the ways that we've already been talking about, Laura, because it's kind of a feedback loop to say this is your fault, you know, and sometimes, sometimes it is not the parents fault. You know, many times they did the best that they could. Many times they did the best they could in the season of life that they were in, or the spiritual maturity that they were in, or just sometimes they're just at the mercy of someone else's poor choices. There's all kinds of things there. But it can be really hard to invite someone else in to help, like you need help, because this is too big, too hard for one family really to navigate on your own. How do you balance that tension of inviting people into help? Having some people who know something, things not everybody needs to know everything. And then the other side of that is how do the people who are wanting to help that much like the step parent wants, you know, maybe wants to help the people who want to help, how do they do that in a way that is sensitive, that is not, you know, going to cause more hurt?

Laura Petherbridge: Well, this should be a discussion that the couple has before they get married and are under one roof. So what I tell stepmoms, one of the most important things you can do, and this applies to stepdads also, which I do coach some stepdads, but primarily it's stepmoms. They're usually the ones looking for help. And so what I have to tell them is before you marry this man, you need to determine what he thinks your role is going to be. And see, there can be very small roles or he may want her to do the bottom bulk of everything. And so, but before you say I do, it is very important to sit down and review and discuss what is my role as the step parent in your eyes? And then, then he or she needs to determine do I think I can fulfill that role or do I think I can step back and not be more than what my partner says they want me to be. And so if the answer to that is no, if the answer to that is no, I'm the woman in this house and I'm going to be the one to set the rules. I'm going to be the one to dictate the discipline. I'm going to be the one to punish the child when they don't do their chore. Because this is my house. I would highly recommend you not get married because that is the number one stress answer in step families is that the step parent steps in more than either the spouse or the children or the parent in the other home feels they should. And see if you don't have that all clear before you get married, this can turn out to be very, very difficult for everybody. And see, everyone ends up getting mad, screaming at each other. The kids will threaten, I'm not going to come to your house anymore because now your wife or your husband is the one telling me everything to do. And they're not my parent, I don't have to obey them. My parent in the other home says, you don't have to obey your stepmother. She's not your mother. You don't have to do what she tells you to do. And the child then becomes caught in the middle and that creates more anxiety and tension. This must be discussed before you get married and laid out very clearly.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, Laura, when we come back, I want to talk more about that and what happens if, oh, well, we didn't do that.

American Family Radio is dedicated to sharing the gospel and promoting godly values

And here we are, you know, I think that representing a vision that step, ah, families can be hard. There is no perfect family. But every family has the choice to choose a path that is hard but that leads toward healing or a path that's hard and that leads towards more challenges and despair and destruction. And every family has the opportunity to choose the path towards hope. We'll talk about that and what the church's role is in all of this when we come back with Laura Petherbridge.

 : When you hear the letters afr, there are a lot of things that could come to mind. Automotive Finders Resource Alligator Frying Research or the association of Flying Rednecks. All great organizations, no doubt, but we hope the first Thing that comes to your mind when you hear afr, is American Family Radio a, listener supported network dedicated to sharing the gospel and promoting godly values. God expects maturity in us. We should not be comfortable living with habitual sins.

 : So that's a news cycle item. Is it the top news story to God? No, because he warned us about all of this. Now, I don't care how nice you think you are, if you're not telling someone the truth, you're not being loving to them.

 : Make no mistake, we're not anglers from Red Bay, but we are afraid. American Family Radio. And we're happy you're listening.

God Is in This Story by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole: There's torn up pages in this book. Words that tell me I'm no good. Chapters that define me for so long. but the hands of grace and, and endless love dusted off and picked me up Told my heart that hope is never, gone. God is in this story God is in the details Even in the broken hearts he holds my heart he never fails When I'm at my weakest I will trust in Jesus always in the heart Knows the one goes before me God is in this story.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is God is in this Story by Big Daddy Weave and Katy Nichole and I can't help but thank my team picked a great song for today. The topic that we're talking about, if you are walking a road of divorce, remarriage, step family, blended family, listen to the words of that song. That God is in your story. He is in the details, even in the broken parts. He holds your heart. He never fails. And that is what we believe is in a hope that is for everyone. Jesus says there is no life, no family, no story that is too far gone beyond the reach of the, the redemptive power of Jesus Christ. And that's what we're talking today to Laura Pether Bridge. We're talking about this. She is an expert. She has lived experience. She has walked this road. And then we were just talking in the break and in that last segment, she said that was really the hardest part. You know, the things that she said. And I think that when we look at this, we pull back, the things that we have learned are that there is hope for every story. There's hope and healing for every family. God can redeem, the broken parts of your story. He can make beauty from ashes. But also there's some practical things that come alongside it. There's some healing that has to be done and there's some support that has to be cultivated. And all of that takes an intentional approach. And Laura, you mentioned in the last segment that there, it's hard sometimes to find Christian resources to step into this.

Different kids will have different reactions to different parts of the story

And so I want to talk about the spiritual elements of this because it can be really difficult for a child when we're telling them messages like, God always loves you, he will never stop loving you. But then feeling like their parents stop loving each other. And. And depending on the different developmental age stage that the child is at, is going to differ in the ways that they're going to respond to that. And different kids are going to have different, kinds of hard times with different parts of the story depending on where they are developmentally. Like, younger kids often think maybe it's their fault. They internalize that. And older kids can struggle more with anger and feeling the loss of control. And those things are all developmentally normal. But let's talk a little bit about the spiritual aspect of this and how we can help kids to still see God's love for them and not have their view of God distorted by what's happening that might feel broken in their families.

Laura Petherbridge: Yes, that's. And really, you're describing my childhood along with me being a stepmom and needing all of that insight. I became a Christian at 24. So I was not grown. I wasn't raised in, I, was raised in the church, but I wasn't raised being taught that Jesus loves me. I, was more afraid of God, afraid of doing anything bad or wrong. So when I gave my heart to the lord, at 24, I just, you know, was open to a whole new world of God's love. But it still took a great deal of time and God just pursuing me and, and loving on, me and teaching me that he loved me just because I breathe, not because of what I do. I was such a performance person. And so in that process, while he was teaching me all of that, which took years, this was not something where he flipped a switch. And all of a sudden, he had to woo me over years. And my poor stepsons were in the middle of that. While Laura is getting healthier and healthier, becoming more mature in Christ. Yes, obviously, learning more about the Bible, but even as important, learning more about my identity in Christ. I felt I was only lovable if I was performing really well for God. And he needed to cure me of that because, number one, it was leading me into a more Pharisee type of life in Christ. You know, very black and white, very, you know, the Bible. The Bible, The Bible. Well, yes, I believe The Bible, it's the truth. But God's not looking at me and seeing the Bible. He's looking at me and seeing Laura, his beloved daughter that he created. And so I had to get through a very broken time of, learning. Learning God loves me because I breathe, not because of what I do. And so while I was getting healed from that, it was also helping me to see my stepsons differently. And God began showing me how to pray for them differently. And when I would be upset or angry if they had said something rude to me or made me feel, you know, like I didn't belong, or made me feel like they didn't like me, didn't want me, like they wish their dad hadn't gotten married to me. And, you know, when we do lots of good stuff for people, we expect them to be nice to us back in return. And I just remember the Holy Spirit teaching me, laura, they may never love you back. How are you going to respond if they never love you back? And that only came, Laura's got to be healed. Laura's got to be. Her identity has to be so firmly planted in Jesus Christ that if other people don't want her, love her, embrace her, invite her, she's still going to be okay. And it's not going to turn you into either a depression or a, a ball of anger and revenge. And so I began praying, lord, help me to see my stepsons through your eyes, Holy Spirit. I don't want to see them anymore, more through the lens of their rejection or the lens of their pain or the lens of their mother. I need to see them how you see them. And your word promises me you will give me the mind of Christ to do that. And so that became a very fervent prayer for me. And, you know, I had to pray it for my husband, too, because my husband. Husband oftentimes was so afraid of losing his sons that they wouldn't want to come over anymore, that they wouldn't want to be with him, that he wasn't doing a good enough job as a dad, that in my mind, he was not being disciplined enough with them. he wasn't setting boundaries. In my mind, he was letting them walk on him. Well, you know, that's between him and God. That's none of my business. And so I also had to pray that God. God help me to see Steve as you want me to see him too, because sometimes it's making me disrespect him because I'm seeing him as spineless. I'm seeing him as them emasculating him. And it's making me angry with him. I'm not respecting my husband because I think he should be standing up for himself more. And God had to very clearly show me me. Laura, you're trying to fight battles for everybody else. And the only person that I've told you to take care of and grow and learn is you. You are not the Holy Spirit. You can't change other people. So you and I grow stronger, and you just leave those kids and your husband to me because I'm big enough to take care of it.

Dr. Jessica Peck: You know, as you're talking, Laura, I think there's probably people thinking she's saying out loud what I say in my head, like the things that I'm thinking. And I think that what you're modeling so well is that transparency and having no shame and having that pain and having that struggle that you did and the intentional movements that you did to find healing it. You didn't just sit there and just wait magically one day for, you know, the, for. For God to come down as Santa or a genie or something like that that, you know, when we often try to diminish the God of the universe too. But you. You were obedient. You pursued the Lord. One of the things I think that is really a, good tool for families to have when you're in those seasons of struggle, no matter if this is blended family or not, is the use of music. I was just thinking about that when you talking about your identity in Christ. And I'm thinking about, you know, even days when I struggle with my identity, I make a place playlist that's all about identity. I was just thinking that when we were playing that song coming back. I mean, how powerful is it to have words spoken over you? Just when you're driving in the car, when you're getting ready for dinner, you hear over and over the message. God is in this story. God is in the details. He will not fail. Those kinds of messages, I think, are really powerful. And let's.

Laura Petherbridge: Step families have a very high divorce rate

Let's transition now, Laura, to talk more globally about the church. What can the church do? Where do you see the biggest opportunity at the church ministering to families who are navigating these broken places?

Laura Petherbridge: Well, that's probably the hardest question for me, and hard, because I have to be very careful not to be critical or negative or shaming of the church, because I've been doing this a long time. Time. When you add my years in divorce recovery and then my years now in step family, Ministry. When you add all of that together, it comes to about 35 years. And I can say with total honesty that I have not seen the church move in those 35 years. The church says they want to help marriages. The church says they want to keep, you know, marriages strong. But I can name on one hand the number of churches that reach out to step four families. And step families have a very high divorce rate. They have a very high failure rate because of all the stressors that we've talked about in these two sessions that you and I have done, plus 10 more that we haven't even talked about.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Wow.

Laura Petherbridge: And those stressors create a huge, fight fighting avenue in between the husband and the wife. And very often, number one, they don't know where to go go to for help. If they do go to the church, the church gives them help. That works in a biological marriage where it's a husband and wife and children that are all related to each other. But the methods of healing the family are different. The practical pieces are totally different in a step family than they are in a biological family. And so if, if I had one wish, if this was like a genie and I was rubbing the magic lay lamp, it would be that the church and the church leadership would wake up and recognize the mission field that is in their backyard, that is sitting in their own pew in church on Sunday. Step, families don't come to church very much. So it is definitely a mission field because they feel like they don't belong. And when they do come, they pretend they're a biological family. Family. And now this is something you'll see all over social media, too. There's this huge push to pretend you are not a step family. Pretend you're just a normal biological family. Everybody's related. Everybody feels exactly the same way about each other. There's, there's a sense of shame that's being labeled on people who say they're a blended family or a bonus family or, you know, anything, related to a remarriage, so be it. By doing that, we're removing the element that needs to be addressed. The elephant that's in the room is, but these kids don't view you as their mother or father. These kids don't view their step siblings as related. They might not even like the hours baby that stepmom and bio dad had. They may not want that kid in their life. All. And so by us telling people, well, everybody's got to act like their biological family.

Dr. Jessica Peck: We're, we're.

Laura Petherbridge: You can't change what you won't acknowledge, you can't heal. What you won't acknowledge is there. And so we've done a great disservice, to step families by putting them under this label. Well, they're all the same. Everybody's the same. And here they are bleeding. They need a tourniquet and, where they're bleeding. Meeting so that they can start moving forward by pretending they're a biological family does not fix the problem. And so to answer your excellent question, it is a very sad answer. I would give anything if I would have pastors calling me and saying, will you come to my church and teach us how to launch a step family ministry? We want to reach these families. Families teach us how. I would be elated, but I've been waiting on that phone call for a long time, and I've maybe gotten 10. In all the years of me doing this, I've maybe gotten, 10.

Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. And one ray of hope. You did mention it, Laura, is divorce Care This is a ministry that you can look at. I know, Laura, that you have been a part of this. You're in the video so series. You can go to divorce care.org that's divorce care.org and there are some. Some recovery support groups that are there. And I know that there are some churches who do host that. And what a great opportunity to reach out to those families who are navigating things. And I just want to reemphasize, you know, that there is no perfect family. There are a lot of families who don't have divorce, but who deal with. With things like addiction or abuse or emotional neglect or financial ruin that's kept secret. I mean, there's all kinds of things that families are walking through. And just know that God is in the business of restoring, redeeming, renewing, giving hope where it seems absolutely impossible. No family is too far gone. No family is too broken. No family is beyond the reach of the healing power of the Lord. And I pray that you would take a step forward and whatever that is looking for therapy or connection with a church, with a ministry group, or even talking to a friend. I pray that you would take that step forward and wherever you are in your family journey, I pray that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you. Thanks so much for joining us today. I'll see you again tomorrow.

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Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio.