We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn
Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby or visit preborn.com/AFR friend we're living in a defining moment today. A woman facing an unexpected pregnanc can order the abortion pill online, often before anyone has the chance to tell her she is loved, that she's not alone, or that there is hope. That's why you are needed right now. You were made for this moment. At ah PreBorn Network clinics, mothers are welcomed with compassion, practical support and a free ultrasound. And when she sees her baby and hears that tiny heartbeat for the very first time, fear often gives way to hope. In fact, more than 80% of abortion vulnerable women choose life after seeing their baby on an ultrasound at a PreBorn Network clinic. That one moment can save a baby's life and open a mother's heart to the hope of Jesus Christ. This is our moment to stand. For those who cannot speak for themselves, just $28 provides one life saving ultrasound. $140 helps rescue five babies. Please don't wait. Dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250 baby. If you're a business owner, would you consider a larger donation to claim a write off? Your best gift would be appreciated. A stand alone gift of $15,000 will sponsor an ultrasound machine for a needy clinic helping to save countless babies lives for years to come. All gifts are tax- deductible. Together we can save lives one heartbeat at a time.
Welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama Show: Prescribing Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio
preborn.com/AFR hello and welcome to the
Dr. Jessica Peck: Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite time of day, my favorite day of the week. It is Friday.
Reflecting on the Year's Themes: Family Faith, Communication, Safety, and Healthy Habits
As my kids say, it is Friday. And we. I cannot believe we are already at the first Friday in October. It still may feel like 100 degrees where I live, but that's okay.
Dr. Jessica Peck: I am,
Dr. Jessica Peck: I can't believe that we are almost at the end of this year and if you've been joining and following us all along from the beginning of the year, thank you, thank you so, so very much. It encourages Me to no end to know that there are families out there invested in strengthening their family's faith and making their families healthier. And if you've been following along, we've been. We did four core spiritual disciplines at the first of the year. We walked through rhythms that your family needs communication skills.
Navigating Fear in a Culture Driven by Fear: Understanding Legitimate Concerns and Information Overload
Spent all summer talking about tech. Then we talked about safety. And now we're in our B attitudes, say a stage of healthy habits. And we've talked about how to be hopeful and how to be a good friend. And today I'm going to talk about one of the ones that is probably a little more difficult for us if we're really honest. Today we're talking about how to be unafraid in a culture that really feeds on fear. Fear is a powerful marketing tool. And the truth is we are raising children in a culture where there is a lot genuinely to be afraid of. Those fears are not. Are not unfounded. They are really legitimate. And our kids hear about things, my goodness, we wish that they would not hear about. They hear about things like violence and, and plagues and pestilence and. And epidemics and economic uncertainty and. And countries going to war and bombs and climate doomism and school shootings and online predators and bullying and social rejection and predators and political.
The Pervasive Fear of 'What If': How Parental Anxiety Creates a Fear-Soaked Family Ecosystem
And just an endless stream of bad news that's no news to us because it even has a term called doom scrolling where you just sit there and we know it's bad for us, it's a bad stream of bad news and yet we can't stop our thumb from scrolling. And because our kids even now carry the world in their pockets and they hear news coming lightning fast, we don't have a chance to filter it. Even if they don't have devices themselves, they hear from kids who do and from all sources of just walking through public where we hear radio or TV news goings. But there is another kind of fear that quietly takes root in a family. The fear of what might happen, not even the fear of what is happening, because there are things to be afraid of, but we have this fear of what if? And we personalize that to our own families. What if my kid gets hurt? What if they make the wrong choice? What if they get addicted, they try drugs? What if they don't make the team? What if someone hurts their feelings? What if they walk away from their faith? What if I don't get this parenting thing right and I just mess my kid up for life? And sometimes that fear, it's atmospheric and it becomes the ecosystem that our kids are growing up in. They just grow up in a home that is really soaked in fear.
Fear's Impact on Parenting: Over-Control and the Illusion of Safety vs. True Resilience
And fear drives our behavior as adults in their life because we want to have a coping mechanism for fear that's controlled. We're going to over monitor, we're going to over control hyper control every bit of their environment. We're going to over correct. We're going to over protect. And Jonathan Haidt talked about that in the ancient generation over protecting our kids in the real world while under protecting them online. And we think that we are doing this and we're creating safety, but we're actually just creating an illusion of control. We're teaching our kids that the world is dangerous and really they're incapable of navigating without us. We've got to put all of these protections in place to make sure that they are in this little bubble that we've created for them. And so it's not about never being afraid. Because we see scriptures in the Bible at what time I am afraid, when I am afraid not, I will not be afraid. Although we're commanded to not be afraid. But also scripture acknowledges that it is. It, it is normal as a normal human experience to be afraid to have fear. But it, but God also gives us what we do for that. Now this doesn't mean we're reckless, that we just ignore danger, that we think, okay, well I'm just not gonna be afraid.
Acknowledging Fear: Wisdom, Trust, and God's Power Over Fear in Parenting
I'm not gonna think about that. I'm just gonna pretend bad things don't happen. It means learning to say, hey, being afraid is real. I do feel afraid. But fear doesn't get to be my master. Fear doesn'. We know God is with us, God is trustworthy and we can respond with wisdom. We don't have to hit the panic button every time we hear about a new threat. And I say this verse so often to myself and my kids. 2nd Timothy 1:7. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of self control, a sound mind. And that is a beautiful framework for parenting because we can empower our kids through the power of the Holy Spirit. Not of their own power, not of okay, this is how you can be so wise in this world. But we can help them tap into the power that God has given them to know that they are loved by God and to have a sound mind and self control instead of fear. Because fear isn't always obvious.
Fear Manifestations: Recognizing Control, Anger, Perfectionism, Avoidance, and Reassurance Seeking in Ourselves and Our Children
Sometimes fear looks like control or it looks like anger. That happens all the time. I remember one time losing one of my children in a museum when they were young. It was the first time I had gone out with all four of them. And I remember turning around and one of my kids was gone. And, and he was little. And oh my goodness, I was, I was so afraid. I mean, just absolutely afraid. Just my mind raced a million miles an hour to think of all the horrible things that could happen that might have happened. But when I first was able to find him, I found my son. My first response was anger. Why did you let go of the stroller? I told you not to do that. And so often we do that, but our kids don't interpret that as, oh, well, you were just afraid for me and you care about me. They're like, oh, did something wrong? They're so angry at me. And that fear can look like, also like perfectionism. I'm just going to control everything. As long as it looks perfect, their behavior is perfect, I won't feel as afraid. Sometimes it's just avoidance. We have fear, so we, we don't want to know what's going on because we're afraid of what might happen if we actually did some digging into the heart of the matter. And sometimes it's just constant reassurance seeking. We want our kids to constantly reassure us, like, it's okay, mom, I'm not going to do drugs. No, mom, I'm not going to go off with that person. No, mom, I'm going to do that.
Distinguishing Healthy Caution from Fear-Driven Living: The Impact on Family Culture and Decision-Making
And we have to re. That we want there to reassure our fear. So we need to understand the difference between healthy caution and fear driven living. Because there's a really diff, there's a difference there. One is wisdom and, and one is just anxiety induced. So a fearful family culture. If you have a family culture that's fearful, you focus heavily on what could go wrong. It's constant. But what if? What, what if, what, what if, what, what if? And you make decisions really to just avo or avoid any discomfort. And so often when we have a fear culture, we are primarily using threats to control catastrophic, you know, consequences to motivate behavior. Like, okay, you know, if you do this, oh, you, you know what will happen if you do this? And oh, if you do this, you, you know what can happen? You, you, you could die. You know, we just immediately go to the worst case scenario. And so often, we don't mean it to, but that creates an and it's not about, okay, I'm human. Sometimes I may make a wrong choice. It's, I am, I am wrong, I am stupid, I, I'm dumb, I am unwise. I'm ill equipped.
The Dangers of Fear-Based Communication: Over-Monitoring, Policing, and Equating Obedience with Safety
So we need to, sometimes we communicate like if you don't do this, if you don't do what I say, terrible things are going to happen. And then we over monitor and we create this policing environment where we're watching every text, watching every word, like digging through all their drawers because trusting them just feels unsafe. And we interpr normal childhood mistakes as evidence of this is an impending disaster. You know, they, they have a question about God. Oh great, here we go. They're going to walk away from their faith or, or they make a wrong choice and they hurt their sibling and, and we all of a sudden generalize that one behavioral mistake into a character trait. We equate obedience with safety and questioning with rebellion. So anytime they question, oh, that's a sign of rebellion. No, I expect immediate obedience. And there's some things that, that you should expect that for safety.
Faithful Parenting: Contrasting Fearful Approaches with Trust, Wisdom, and Allowing Children to Experience Challenges
But it's also normal for kids to have questions about why, why is this rule there and what are we going to tell them? And when we are driven by fear, we have difficulty allowing our kids to experience failure, disappointment or uncertainty. Now what's the contrast? What does it mean to not be fearful, to be faithful? It means that we take danger seriously, but we're also not dominated by it. It means we establish wise boundaries and, but we don't communicate constantly that the world is unsafe. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. We teach our kids how to assess risk and respond rather than just find, risk and be instantly afraid. We allow age appropriate responsibility. We correct their behavior without threatening their identity, their security, their self worth, their character. And we talk honestly about difficult things. But we also remind them, hey, this is tough, but God is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. And we teach our kids that courage and wisdom can coexist with fear.
Control vs. Preparation: Fear's Demand for Certainty vs. Faith's Embrace of Uncertainty and Coaching Children
And we have to learn how to regulate that. But fear drives our desire to control our kids behaviors because it often asks, fear says, okay, how can we make sure this never happens to my kid and never happens to my family? Wisdom says, all right, how can I prepare my child to respond well if they find themselves in this situation? That's a really different parent parenting approach because fear says I'm going to control the environment and faith says I'm going to control the that my kids environment. But I'm also going to cultivate my child's capacity to respond. Fear wants certainty. This will never happen. That's why when you hear of something terrible happening on the news, you hear a terrible story, your mind Instantly goes into this little wheel where you're just going to click through every detail of the story till you find, oh, oh, okay, that's what's different. Nope, oh, I would never do that, or oh, I don't have an addiction or I'm not divorced, or I would never go there. You, you find that place that's different so you can feel safe. Faith learns to live with an appropriate amount of uncertainty. Because we don't, we aren't God. We don't know what our days are, but we know that God remains trustworthy even when we can't control the outcome. And we've got to walk that line of protection and make sure we don't cross it into over protection. Because protection says, right, I'm going to help you learn how to navigate this, how to recognize this, how to avoid risk, and how to respond if you find yourself in there.
Protection vs. Overprotection: Cultivating Resilience and Courage in Children Amidst Life's Difficulties
But overprotection says, I'm going to make sure you never face this ever, that you never have to navigate this. And it's just not possible to eliminate every source of fear or disappointment or difficulty from our kids lives. But we can help cultivate resilience in our kids who know what to do when they are afraid, when life is difficult. And we can, we, we. There's a difference between having children who are cautious and having children who are absolutely controlled and dominated by fear. Because healthy caution could say, okay, there, there may be something dangerous here. I need to think about this, I need to go get help. I need to ask mom and dad about this. But fear says, oh, this is dangerous. I shouldn't have even been here. Why am I, why did I even get here? I must be, I must be a terrible weak person because I'm here and it's just an instant shutdown. But biblical courage doesn't eliminate discernment. It just puts discernment inside a framework of trust. And see in Psalm 56, 3, when I am afraid, not if I am afraid, when I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Trusting God with Fear: Empowering Children to Navigate Difficulties with Faith, Not Parental Guarantees
We can trust God even when the outcome seems scary. Fear may come. But the habit is knowing where do we take that fear? Because our kids don't need us as parents to guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to them. We can't say that they know that that's not true. They know that we can't say that. They need parents who say, I hope that nothing bad ever happens to you and I hope I am able to protect you as much as I possibly can. But when bad things happen, you are not alone. I'm here with you. God will never leave you. Fear doesn't have to make the decisions for us. And so that is an important convict important, distinction. Fear can produce compliance. Like, okay, all right, we'll do all these things, but also not produce conviction at the same time. We can get a kid to stop their behavior because they're afraid of the consequence. And, but that doesn't necessarily teach them why the behavior is wrong, why they shouldn't take a risk, why they shouldn't do it just based on being afraid of what will happen. How do they make a better decision next time? Or how do they regulate themselves when we're not there? What do they do when they feel afraid? When we come back, I'll talk about some of the reasons why fear based strategies are so tempting for parents and m. That is a hard thing because, because we see it and we can get that immediate gratification and how we teach our kids to take their fears to the Lord.
Faithful vs. Fearful Families: The Freedom Found in Trusting God and Next Steps
What do we actually do with that fear? How do we handle it in a healthy way? And we'll talk about next steps for that and what kind of family you're becoming. Are you a fearful family or can you be a faithful family? I've definitely been there and walk those shoes as a fearful mom. It is. There's much more freedom in being faithful. Talk about that when we come back. See you after this break.
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Take You At Your Word by Benjamin William Hastings and Cody Carn: your word is a lamp unto my feet. Your way is the only way for me. It's a narrow road Road that leads to life But I wanna be on it It's a narrow road and the mercy's wide. Cause you're good on your promise I'll take you at your word if you said it, I'll believe it. I've seen how good it works. If you started, you're completed.
Overcoming Generational Brokenness and Fear: Choosing Faith Over Control in Parenting
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is take you at your word by Benjamin William Hastings and Cody Carnes. And that is something that we can do in this world that just seems to give us something to be afraid of every day. And I know when I started off in my journey as a mom, I came from a lot of generational brokenness. And I had a lot of fear because I didn't want that cycle to continue. And I think, but what if, but what if, but what if? And every little broken peace in our relationship, every time there was a little speed bump or just something that threw me off kilter, I would feel that fear just come and paralyze me. Like, okay, this is the moment where my mothering journey derails. This is the moment where we start to plant the seeds of, my kid's going to be on some therapy couch 20 years from now saying, well, it all started back with my mom when I was 6 and how she messed my whole life up. It is so easy for us to be driven by fear. And then we want to control the environment and we want to be God, honestly, because we want to know what's going to happen and then we want to control what's going to happen and make our lives more comfortable. And the truth is we live in a broken world where we don't have a lot of control. And that is a difficult thing. But God has not called us to be fearful. He has called us to be faithful.
The Temptation of Fear-Based Strategies: Immediate Results vs. Character Formation
Now these fear based strategies are so tempting because in light of today, where we're conditioned for immediate gratification, we have absolutely no patience for anything. Even if we're ordering instant food on an app, if it buffers for a second and a half, we're like tapping the app, thinking, why is this taking so long? That's why fear based strategies work, because they produce immediate results. If you do that, you're grounded for life. If you don't listen, you're going to lose everything. If you get caught doing that, you're in big trouble. And sometimes the behavior stops and sometimes the behavior just hides because of fear of those consequences. And we have to ask, okay, what are we actually teaching our kids though, about how to live? Do they learn wisdom? Do they learn self control? Did they develop conviction? Do they learn that it's safe to come to us when they're struggling, when they mess up? Or do they simply learn, don't get caught, because that's going to be bad? Fear might change behavior, but fear is not the same as forming character. And that's really where the difference lies.
Beyond Compliance: Fostering Internal Formation and Choosing Goodness Even When Unseen
Because fear may teach a kid, hey, avoid consequences. And they're not thinking on that in a really sophisticated way. They're not thinking, oh, okay, well, I want to engage in this sin and I want to do it fully, without any conviction. And so I'm going to make sure my parents don't know about it, no, they're just thinking at a very primitive level, like, I don't want to get in trouble. Because that's how their brains are programmed to think. They program to avoid punishment. That's why when a little kid comes up to you with cake all over their face and you say, did you eat the cake? And they say, no, I didn't eat the cake. It's obvious they ate the cake. But they're just trying in their very primitive way to avoid consequences. We've got to teach them to choose what is good when no nobody is watching. So our goal isn't compliance, it's that, and to externally have all the behaviors that we want. It's internal formation where they know how to self regulate. They know what is right and they want to choose it even when nobody is making them. And fear actually can undermine the behavior we're trying to cultivate in them, the character we're trying to cultivate.
The Consequences of Fear: Hiding Truth, Avoiding Help, and the Power of God's Mercies
Because if a child believes telling the truth is going to result in the most scary, unbearable consequences, they're going to hide the truth. If a teenager believes that revealing a mistake will result in shame and they're afraid of that, they might stop acting, asking for help. And if a child believes failure if they fail, that their parents aren't going to love them anymore. And listen, as parents, we think, how could they think that? I've given my life for them. I tell them I love them all the time. There's still that little fear that's there. my parents may not love me anymore. And they may just try to be as perfect as they can or just avoid challenges so that they don't fail and just play it safe. And if a teenager believes that their parent is just going to panic about everything they disclose, they just stop disclosing it and think that's, that's not a pathway to talk about. So our response to mistakes matter so much. It cannot be from a place of our fear. It's got to be from a place of truth telling our kids it's okay to tell the truth. Here we can bring hard things into the light. God's mercies are new every morning.
Building Relationships on Love, Not Fear: Boundaries Without Intimidation and Consequences Without Humiliation
There is mercy at the foot of the cross. There is redemption. And my parents may correct me, they may discipline me, they may give me guardrails, and, and they may give me restrictions, but they won't abandon me. They won't leave me. And first Jon 4:18 tells us there's no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear. So that doesn't mean we don't have consequences because there's still consequences for us from the Lord. It means that fear is not the foundation we're building our relationship on. We're having boundaries without intimidation. We're having consequences, consequences without humiliation in the process. We're saying no without saying, you're not safe with me. And so those things are really important. We want our kids to be connected. That is an antidote to fear. You're loved, and I'm here with you no matter what. We want them to be convicted.
Conviction Over Fear: Understanding Guilt vs. Shame and the Fear of the Lord
That's an antidote to fear. Okay, let's understand why this matters, why we can feel guilty about what we did without shame for who we are. And consequences are part of that. Choices have consequence. That's normal. Choices have consequences. We're going to help you learn from this. It really sounds so simple, but just a, reframing instead of, you know, oh, I can't believe you did that. And then we're afraid that this means they're just about to walk into juvenile delinquency. And so we put the fear of God into them. We. We hear that phrase all the time, like, I will make them afraid. Afraid. Well, there's a little bit of healthy respect that can happen. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of. Of knowledge. And. And our kids can have a healthy respect of us, and they. They can have a fear of what happens because it's normal to fear the consequences. We don't want to see those in our lives.
Raising Kids Who Choose Right: Moving Beyond Threats to Internal Motivation and Taking Fears to God
But that's very different from, you know, oh, you better not ever do this. And if this happens, I'm going to threaten you into compliance. We don't want to raise kids who are afraid enough to behave and to do what we want. We want to raise kids who are afraid of what happens when you don't tell the truth, who are afraid of what happens when you don't have the wisdom to make good decisions, and who are grounded enough to do what is right even when we're not beside them. Now, we can teach our kids to take their fears to God, that it is normal to have fears, that we have fears too. So what do we do with that fear? We don't shame our kids for being afraid. We don't say, you don't need to be scared. There's nothing to be scared of. We can say, okay, but we don't respond to every fear. Also, by immediately just removing any source of discomfort, we can teach a biblical pattern. We're going to name it, Name that fear. Say, yeah, you know what? I am Afraid. I do have a fear here.
Naming and Discerning Fears: Distinguishing Real Danger from Anticipated Worries
We're going to bring it to God, and we're going to discern it to act wisely and trust God. So naming your fear instead of don't worry about it, say, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid might happen? Many times when you talk through that, like, okay, well, I'm afraid that, you know, I'm going to. I'm going to flop when I get up to do my. My presentation at. And everybody's gonna make fun of me and nobody's gonna like me, and I'm gonna fail the class. You can say, all right, well, is that really true? Is that really going to happen? How can we set you up for success? How can we make sure we practice? What are things that we can do to support you for being successful? What part of it feels scary when you feel that fear? Where are you putting that fear in your body? Is it in your head? Is it in your chest? Is it in your gut? Because you're putting that fear somewhere, and that's gonna impact you. What are you imagining might happen right now? And. And is that something. Is it really happening? Or is that something that you're worried, worried, might happen? Teaching our kids to distinguish between what is the real, the real and present danger and what is just danger, that's theoretical. What's the danger that you're anticipating?
Prayer and Trust: Separating Control from God's Sovereignty in Managing Fears
There's a difference between those. And we bring that free fear into the presence of God. We teach our kids, hey, prayer is not just for emergencies. That's where we take our fears. And Philippians gives us this pattern. Do not be anxious about any in anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God so we can say, okay, God, here's what I'm afraid of. This is what I wish would happen. This is what I'm afraid is going to happen. Please help me know what I can do. Help me trust you with what I can't control. That is separating. Okay, what can we control versus what we cannot control? And that may be one of the most practical things that we can teach. So, okay, what is it within your control in this situation? You're afraid in this situation? What can you do? Can you tell the truth? Can you ask for help? Can you practice a skill? Can you apologize? Can you set a boundary? Can you walk away? Can you reach out to a trusted adult? Can you pray about it? Can you get more sleep? You can prepare for the test. You can report behavior that feels unsafe. What is within your control. And then I want to fully empower you to walk in that, to have control in that situation. But then ask, okay, what is it in this situation that belongs to God? What do I have to release to God? I have to release other people's choices. I may do everything right in this situation, and other people still may make a wrong choice. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I have to release that to God.
Lighthouse Parenting: Coaching Children Through Difficulties with Agency and Courage
Every possible outcome, whether other people like me, whether someone understands me, or whether I get something I feel like I've deserved, or things that are just what is outside of my control. We know that God is ultimately in control, and our instinct as parents is to immediately rescue them. But a better approach is coaching them. And we can do that. I really love the analogy of lighthouse parenting, where our kids are out on those cultural currents and we are just unchanging, unshaking, just shining the light into the darkness. And we can coach them. So instead of saying, I'll fix it. I'll, I'll. I'll do everything for you. We can really coach them. Like, okay, what do you think you can do in this situation? What does wisdom look like in this situation? Who can help you? What part of this is in your control? What, what, what do you want me to help you think through first? And it really just help them to have agency and courage in the moment. What does it look like to, do it even when you're scared? What are ways that we can set you up for success? Because courage is not the absence of fear. It's the presence of, is acting in the presence of it.
Courage in the Presence of Fear: Trusting God's Presence Through Life's Challenges
And one of the most important messages we can give our kids is, hey, you can be, you can feel afraid, and you can still act brave. Courage is not okay. I'm not scared. It's. I'm, m scared. But I'm going to try to do the wise thing anyway. I'm going to try to follow God anyway. I'm going to trust God anyway. I'm going to be faithful with what he has given us. And Joshua 1, verse 9 captures this so beautifully. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord, your God will be with you wherever you go. And sometimes we have to send our kids into a situation where they're scared, and we really wish that we didn't.
Normalizing Fear: Understanding Its Place in Development and When to Seek Further Attention
But sometimes that, that is, maybe they're scared in a social situation at school. Maybe they're scared in a relationship, situation. If they are going between households in the situation of divorce. Sometimes our kids have to do things, and. And we hate that they're afraid, but we can tell them, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. And we can be courageous, not because we can control the outco, because we know God is with us. And I do want to say, too, that not every fear is a mental health problem. Not every feeling of anxiousness is a mental health issue. And kids feel that now we start talking about mental health, and they think anytime they feel afraid or anxious, like, well, do I have anxiety? Fear is a normal human emotion.
Identifying Concerning Fears: Persistence, Impairment, and Psychosomatic Reactions Warranting Professional Attention
It's a normal developmental response. And kids may be afraid of the dark, and they may be afraid of unfamiliar people, schools and storms and medical procedures, social rejection, any number of things kids can be afraid of. Sometimes the fears are funny and small, and sometimes they're really big. Sometimes they come and go and. But let me tell you, with reassurance, with support, with developmentally appropriate guidance, children generally do regain their sense of security. So it's not just is my child afraid, but is this fear persistent? Is it disproportionate to the situation that we have? Is it impairing their ability to function every day? Or is it connected to something, maybe traumatic, that happened to my child? So things that warrant closer attention are fears that are persisting or getting worse rather than gradually improving, fears that are interfering with their ability to function during the day. They can't sleep, they can't go to school, Their friendships are affected, your family life is affected. They're not eating as they should. Maybe they're eating less or eating more, and they just can't do those things they enjoy. And so now they're avoiding things that they love. These are things that really warrant closer attention. And a good place to go would be your primary healthcare provider to kind of differentiate what's physical and what's beyond the realm of that normal human response to fear. Because if kids are afraid, they don't often look just afraid, like a cartoon where they're just shaking. They can have a psychosomatic reaction where the fear is a way of the brain's ability to process an emotion through the body. So it can present as, stomach aches or headaches or sleep problems or pain somewhere. And if there is a really big change, then that's something and it's impacting your daily life, Then you should talk to somebody about that.
Emergent Concerns: Self-Harm, Substance Use, and Hopelessness Requiring Immediate Help
Whether it's a counselor, a primary healthcare provider, that's a sign that it is beyond the realm of what is developmentally normal. And of course, anytime it is accompanied by thoughts of self harm or substance use and hopelessness, futurelessness. Any of those, those kinds of things are emergent. That is an emergency. You really need to get some help for that.
Faith and Professional Care: Combining Trust in God with Seeking Health and Counsel
So normal fear is going to be okay. I don't want to go to this social gathering at my friend's house because I'm nervous and I don't, I don't know, you know, how I don't like being in somebody else's house. A concerning pattern would be I'm terrified something terrible is going to happen. I can't sleep and you know, I can't think. One calls for just connection, reassurance, some preparation, some gradual support. But the other says, okay, this is beyond. What we have is normal for this situation we need. You don't have to choose between faith and professional care. You can have both. You can trust God and you can seek health.
Strengthening Faith: Connection, Safety, and Addressing Fears with Wisdom and Counsel
Proverbs 15:22 says, without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed. So we don't want to tell our kids, just don't be afraid. Have more faith. We're going to help them strengthen that faith through feelings of safety and connection. When we come back, we'll talk more about fear and I'll talk about some of the fears online and home front headlines, what you need to do about it. I'll be right back.
Dr. Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary The God Who Speaks
Doctor Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks. One of the things that a pastor has to do on a Sunday when he gets, up in the pulpit is let people know that the reading and the exposition of scripture is the most important thing that's going to happen to them that week. If the pastor has not communicated to his people with the very first sentence that comes out of his mouth on a Sunday morning that this is the most important thing you're going to hear that week. The pastor has failed in his job. Secondly, the pastor needs to preach in a way that helps people to read the Bible for themselves. Now, to clarify that the purpose of preaching is not primarily to help people read the Bible for themselves. It's to expand scripture and to confront them with the call of God on their lives. But a byproduct of that should be helping people to handle the word of God responsibly For themselves, visit thegodwhospeaks.org
Jericho by Andrew Ripp: I've been stacking up the years I spent trading punches with the enemy. Oo bu myself a double thick stone, tower last higher than the. I can say trapped in my flesh and bone, crying out to your love I'm desperate love comes rattle this cage and set me free all of my fears lies Jericho walls Gotta calm down calm down all of my fears like Jericho walls Gotta calm down calm down My prison turns to ruin Way your love moves it all of my fe like Jericho got to calm down Calm
Dr. Jessica Peck: down calm down welcome back, friends. That is Jericho by Andrew Ripp
Choosing Faith Over Fear: Naming and Addressing Our Fears, Big and Small
Don't you wish that is what would happen to our fears? We're talking about choosing intentionally to be faithful and not fearful. It is normal to have fear, and there are certainly things in the world to be afraid of. But are we intentionally cultivating, in our case, kids to be faithful? When we do feel fearful, when that fear comes up, really there you can say, okay, what am I afraid of? Just name it without any shame. It's okay to be afraid of things. Sometimes they're silly and small, and sometimes they're really big and really scary. Name that fear. Sometimes it's hard for us to even name what we're afraid of. Maybe we're afraid we're irritable. We kind of feel that joy, general fear when our kids are making poor choices. But then maybe if we're really honest with ourselves, we think, I'm afraid that they're going to make the same mistakes that I made. I'm afraid that they're going down a road that is really painful here. I'm afraid that I.
Transforming Fear into Faith: Trusting God's Truth and Taking Wise, Controlled Actions
My parenting response and this is inadequate. And I don't know who to tell about that name that fear. And then when we change that to faith, we think, okay, what do we know about God? What is true about God? Even in this situation, God is here with me. God is trustworthy. God sees me. God is not surprised by this situation. God cares about me. God gives wisdom. So, okay, if I know that, I know I'm afraid, but I know these truths about God, what's the next wise thing that I can do? What is one action that is within my control? Maybe if I'm afraid that I'm really messing this up as a parent, I need to seek some help, seek some wise counsel. Maybe I need to invest in a parenting class. Maybe if it's. I'm afraid that I. That they are going to go down the road that I'm going down, maybe that's a road that you need to revisit what it is. So if your kid is scared, okay, nobody's going to sit with me at lunch. All right? That's.
Teaching Emotional Regulation: What to Do When Fear Arises, Not How to Prevent It
That's understandable. You know that God is with you. But what's something that you can do. Because I'm afraid. I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be made fun of. I won't have any friends. God is with me. My worth isn't determined by whether somebody lets me sit at their lunch table. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I can ask someone if I can sit with them. I can ask someone to sit with me. That is, that turns that abstract theological concept of being faithful into an actual habit of discipleship and teaching emotional regulation. Because the question isn't how do we keep our kids from being afraid? The better question is how do we teach our kids what to do when they are afraid?
Facing Life's Challenges with Faith: God's Presence and Parental Support Offer More Than Guarantees
Because fear is going to come. There's going to be a hard diagnosis, there's going to be a broken relationship, there will be college decisions, there will be rejection, rejection, failure, disappointment, temptation, grief, uncertainty. All of these things can make us afraid. But our kids don't need to promise us, to promise them. Nothing like that's ever going to happen to you. We can give them something far more valuable. Whatever happens, God is with you. You don't have to face it alone. We are going to walk with you. We will learn together how to respond with wisdom and courage and faith.
A Faithful Family Culture: Not Denying Fear, But Bringing It to God and Taking Faithful Steps
And that family habit because becomes we're not fear deniers. We don't say it's not okay to be afraid, but we don't worship fear either. We don't let fear make our decisions. We don't let fear have the final word. We bring our fear to God. We seek wisdom and we take the next faithful step. And we're going to trust him with what we cannot control. Being unafraid doesn't mean we raise kids who are fearless. It means raising, raising kids who know where to take their fear and how to turn it into faith. That is really important.
Online Threats and Real Risks: The Dangers Lurking in the Digital Environment
And when we look at the headlines today, we see plenty of things to be afraid of, especially online threats. I'll be honest with you all. A lot of these headlines that I read myself, I have a lot of fear. I have a lot of fear for kids. Because the enemy is like a prowling lion going around to see who he can divide, devour. And that has never been more true in the online environment. And I'm seeing all kinds of very real risks that are there. And if your child is engaging online in any way, in any way, shape or form, whether it's a website, whether it's a streaming platform, whether it's social media, whether it's gaming, there is risk in that online environment. It is not a risk free environment. Now if we take all those environments away, unless they're living in a bunker, there is still, there's still risk of secondhand exposure.
Sextortion and Exploitation: How Predators Target Kids Online and the Devastating Consequences
And some of the things that we're seeing are really tough. So I want to give an advisory before I go on. I'm going to talk about some things that are pretty tough. I want you to adjust your listening audience and make sure that there's no little ears around because these are tough things that we need to talk about, but things I want to make sure that parents are aware of. I've talked about this before, but one thing that I do have some fears about is something called sextortion. Now this is increasing, we're seeing increasing reports of this now. What is this? What does this mean? This means getting a kid online and somehow tricking them into giving some sort of explicit message, a video, an audio, a photograph. And then all of a sudden when I have that, then extorting them for money or for more of that same kind of content. And this is happening there rings in other countries, the FBI has talked about this, who are intentionally targeting American kids on social media because they know so many of them don't have privacy settings on their social media. So it's really easy to get a lot of open source information. So I can know where you go to school, I can know who your teachers are, your principal, I know who your parents, friends are, I know where you go to church, all of these things. So that makes it easy because once they have this material, then they can say, I, I'm going to show this to everybody, you know, and look, I'm already friends with them because so many of us don't think about who you know. You just let somebody into your social media or your public and they think, I have all of this.
The Escalation of Online Harm: From Poor Choices to Suicidal Thoughts and Developmental Naivety
Now I've seen a lot of case reports where really, really good kids, it seems like good kids can make really poor choices and this can escalate from absolutely no contact to just a matter of hours, just a matter of few hours where kids are feeling so afraid of what they have done impulsively and quickly on such a large platform that all of a sudden they're at the point where they think, I can't see going forward in this kind of shame. And they will contemplate or even engage in actions to end their own life. Now that is something, let me tell you, that can put fear in our hearts and straight down to our toes, really feel that. And that is really hard because we see that predators are going to exploit that developmental naivety. Sometimes they think, oh, I'm just, you know, I'm just interacting with a peer. And I'm really flattered. This person looks really attractive because they don't think like, oh, that could be a, extortion gang from another country. Kids are developmentally wired to think in black and white. So if you are, you say who you are, you think that they are the who they say they are. And then this is where fear based strategies don't work.
Navigating Online Risks: Understanding Disappearing Messages, Geolocation, and Privacy Settings
When we hear stories like this, we, we will, if they're old enough, we might send them a news story and say, oh my gosh, you have to look out for these predators. They're everywhere. This is so scary. Don't ever do this. We really got to talk about, okay, what in my online life is putting me at risk here? Where can I be wise? Where can I put more protections in place? What can I know? Because we see, see that. And online we can see disappearing messages that create a false sense of privacy. If you say it disappears, it disappears. I don't think a thing is about screenshots or data miners that take that right when it's posted. And even if it disappears, it still exists on a third party platform. We don't think about automatic, features that give geolocation to tell where I am. And now all of a sudden this person knows where I am because I didn't know to look, look at the terms of use and to realize it's on default to be public.
Learning and Doing Better: Empowering Ourselves and Our Children in the Digital Age
Those things that can feel really bad and that can bring a lot of shame because you think, why was I so dumb? Why did I do this? And we just have to realize that we are navigating a really tough environment and we do the best we can with what we know. And when we know more, we do better. So this is, this is really important to talk about online access, online threats that can happen.
AI-Generated Abuse Material and Evolving Extortion Tactics: The Harmful Impact
And when we see things especially like sextortion, one of the things that is complicating that is the generation of AI child abuse materials. Now there was a recent court decision that came out that said that that generation of AI AI generated child sexual abuse materials was considered free speech. Now obviously I'm going to severely disagree with that. And what we see is, oh, well, that doesn't harm anybody because that's not real. Well, it does harm people because for one thing, what we believe it likely happened as many of those models were trained on real abuse. And what we see is that even extortionists can come now with publicly gathered photos of our children off of the Internet that are just run through an everyday app that will remove their clothes or do something that is abusive in nature. And then all of a sudden they send this picture. I have this video of you. It's not, not me, but it sure looks like me. And it has the same effect as me.
The Cycle of Fear and Secrecy: Why Kids Hide Online Encounters from Parents
And we know that the more that there is demand, the more there's going to supply. And demand is a real thing. The more we have demand for more materials, the more there will be a demand for supply of real people. And that is really, really hard. And there's this powerful cycle that happens in online and online environments. I've seen it before where I've talked to groups of 8th grade graders who usually when I talk to them, almost all of them have encountered something uncomfortable online where someone has approached them, has said something inappropriate to them, has flat out propositioned them. But most of them don't tell their parents why because their fear is not that something bad is going to happen to them online. Their fear is their parents going to take the gaming system away or that they're going to take away the access that they have so they are not going to have their phone. So they think, okay, that was, was uncomfortable, but you know, I managed it okay. And my greater fear is social isolation.
The Power of Shame: How Fear of Consequences Leads to Secrecy and Exploitation
Not, you know, they, they're programmed to think, yeah, I know bad things happen in the world, but not to me. Kids have that feeling of invincibility. Now that is a God given thing because we want kids to take risks. We want them to grow stronger physically, emotionally, relationally. And if they were never programmed to take risk, then they would never grow up and become autonomous, self functioning, healthy adults. So that is important. But the powerful cycle that we see here is fear that leads to secrecy. Okay, Fear often, okay, I, I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of what happened. But I better not tell anybody because I automatically feel ashamed. I think I did something wrong. I am something wrong. They don't even have language to just discover it. And then it's compliance, like, okay, you better do what I, I say. And then that leads to greater exploitation.
Building a Safe Haven: Creating a Family Culture Where Kids Can Share Anything Without Fear
So that is really important. Shame is such a powerful wedding, a powerful weapon. It is a very, very powerful weapon Because a teenager may think, my mom, they literally think this language. And I hate that I even think about it. It seems so dramatic. But we say that like, my mom's going to kill me, like literally going to kill me. My dad is going to take my phone away. Everybody at school is going to see this, I've ruined my life. And that fear can keep a child from asking for help. So the family relationship itself becomes part of the safety protection strategy. So we need to tell our kids these, These specific things. You can always tell me anything. You can tell me the worst thing you've ever done, the worst mistake you've ever made. You can tell me anytime you get in trouble, even if you think it's your own fault. And our first conversation is going to be about making sure that you're safe, not shaming you.
Empowering Digital Literacy: Equipping Kids with Wisdom and Discernment Online
There may be some guardrails, there may be some, some limitations that you have, some protections that we put in place. But my job is to keep you safe. And I want you to always come to me with anything. And the goal isn't just to police them and to monitor them more. Our kids need to. We need to put that in place. We need to have protections in place, but they need to be empowered in those online environments. They need digital literacy. They need to know how to evaluate, evaluate, an influencer that they're following, a platform that they're engaging on to think, is this a safe place for me to be? And how do I know this person, this platform, this service is trustworthy?
Recognizing Grooming and Replacing Fear with Wisdom, Connection, and Courage
Do I understand and recognize when people who are unsafe come into my life because they don't come in and grab you and put you in the scary white van in the, in the parking lot. They compliment you, they tell you how great you are, they admire you. That is grooming. And kids need to know about that. So we start with truth, not with panic. We're going to replace fear with wisdom, connection, and healthy relationships and biblical courage. Knowing that I may feel afraid, but God is with me. The inner, the fear is going to say, oh, my gosh, the Internet is evil. Everyone online is dangerous. But instead, faith calls us to see that. Okay, God gives me wisdom. God gives me discernment. We see that. Proverbs 22:3. I love this verse.
Prudence Over Panic: Discernment Allows Wise Response, Not Fearful Avoidance
It says, the prudence sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. We can be prudent. Discernment is not fear. It's seeing danger clearly enough to respond wisely. To know that my parents are going to be there for me. That's so important. You should make. Tell me more powerful than don't do it. Tell me. If somebody says something, just say, okay. Tell me more about what happened. Tell me everything that happened and we will get it through. Together. We will get through it together. We can build a family culture where our kids don't have to hide when they're in trouble.
Bearing Burdens Together: Creating a Family Culture Where Kids Can Share Their Stories
They know when I'm in trouble, I go home. That's where I go. I go to my parents and we can bear one another's burdens and in so doing fulfill the law of Christ. If our kids have something scary happen, say this is part of of your story. It doesn't get to define who you are.
Hope for the Future: Trusting God's Control and Peace Instead of Fear
Our goal is to raise kids who know that God is with them and we know who holds the future. No matter what the future holds, I encourage you as you are working in all the things that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace instead of fear. See you next time.
Thank You to Preborn and Sponsors: Supporting Young Moms and Continuing God's Good Work
We'd like to thank our sponsors, including PreBorn. PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion and has seen over 100,000 commitments to Christ. Will you join PreBorn in continuing this good work supporting young moms in crisis? Save a life today. Go to preborn.com/AFR the views and
Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio. M.
We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn
Dr. Jessica Peck: We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn. When a mother meets her baby on ultrasound and hears their heartbeat, it's a divine connection. And the majority of the time she will choose life. But they can't do it without our help. Preborn needs us, the pro life community, to come alongside them. One ultrasound is just $28. To donate, dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby or visit preborn.com/AFR friend we're living in a defining moment today. A woman facing an unexpected pregnanc can order the abortion pill online, often before anyone has the chance to tell her she is loved, that she's not alone, or that there is hope. That's why you are needed right now. You were made for this moment. At ah PreBorn Network clinics, mothers are welcomed with compassion, practical support and a free ultrasound. And when she sees her baby and hears that tiny heartbeat for the very first time, fear often gives way to hope. In fact, more than 80% of abortion vulnerable women choose life after seeing their baby on an ultrasound at a PreBorn Network clinic. That one moment can save a baby's life and open a mother's heart to the hope of Jesus Christ. This is our moment to stand. For those who cannot speak for themselves, just $28 provides one life saving ultrasound. $140 helps rescue five babies. Please don't wait. Dial pound 250 and say the keyword baby. That's pound 250 baby. If you're a business owner, would you consider a larger donation to claim a write off? Your best gift would be appreciated. A stand alone gift of $15,000 will sponsor an ultrasound machine for a needy clinic helping to save countless babies lives for years to come. All gifts are tax- deductible. Together we can save lives one heartbeat at a time.
Welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama Show: Prescribing Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio
preborn.com/AFR hello and welcome to the
Dr. Jessica Peck: Dr. Nurse Mama show prescribing hope for healthy families here on American Family Radio. Here's your host, professor, pediatric nurse practitioner and mom of four, Dr. Jessica Peck.
Dr. Jessica Peck: Well, hey there friends and welcome to my favorite time of day, my favorite day of the week. It is Friday.
Reflecting on the Year's Themes: Family Faith, Communication, Safety, and Healthy Habits
As my kids say, it is Friday. And we. I cannot believe we are already at the first Friday in October. It still may feel like 100 degrees where I live, but that's okay.
Dr. Jessica Peck: I am,
Dr. Jessica Peck: I can't believe that we are almost at the end of this year and if you've been joining and following us all along from the beginning of the year, thank you, thank you so, so very much. It encourages Me to no end to know that there are families out there invested in strengthening their family's faith and making their families healthier. And if you've been following along, we've been. We did four core spiritual disciplines at the first of the year. We walked through rhythms that your family needs communication skills.
Navigating Fear in a Culture Driven by Fear: Understanding Legitimate Concerns and Information Overload
Spent all summer talking about tech. Then we talked about safety. And now we're in our B attitudes, say a stage of healthy habits. And we've talked about how to be hopeful and how to be a good friend. And today I'm going to talk about one of the ones that is probably a little more difficult for us if we're really honest. Today we're talking about how to be unafraid in a culture that really feeds on fear. Fear is a powerful marketing tool. And the truth is we are raising children in a culture where there is a lot genuinely to be afraid of. Those fears are not. Are not unfounded. They are really legitimate. And our kids hear about things, my goodness, we wish that they would not hear about. They hear about things like violence and, and plagues and pestilence and. And epidemics and economic uncertainty and. And countries going to war and bombs and climate doomism and school shootings and online predators and bullying and social rejection and predators and political.
The Pervasive Fear of 'What If': How Parental Anxiety Creates a Fear-Soaked Family Ecosystem
And just an endless stream of bad news that's no news to us because it even has a term called doom scrolling where you just sit there and we know it's bad for us, it's a bad stream of bad news and yet we can't stop our thumb from scrolling. And because our kids even now carry the world in their pockets and they hear news coming lightning fast, we don't have a chance to filter it. Even if they don't have devices themselves, they hear from kids who do and from all sources of just walking through public where we hear radio or TV news goings. But there is another kind of fear that quietly takes root in a family. The fear of what might happen, not even the fear of what is happening, because there are things to be afraid of, but we have this fear of what if? And we personalize that to our own families. What if my kid gets hurt? What if they make the wrong choice? What if they get addicted, they try drugs? What if they don't make the team? What if someone hurts their feelings? What if they walk away from their faith? What if I don't get this parenting thing right and I just mess my kid up for life? And sometimes that fear, it's atmospheric and it becomes the ecosystem that our kids are growing up in. They just grow up in a home that is really soaked in fear.
Fear's Impact on Parenting: Over-Control and the Illusion of Safety vs. True Resilience
And fear drives our behavior as adults in their life because we want to have a coping mechanism for fear that's controlled. We're going to over monitor, we're going to over control hyper control every bit of their environment. We're going to over correct. We're going to over protect. And Jonathan Haidt talked about that in the ancient generation over protecting our kids in the real world while under protecting them online. And we think that we are doing this and we're creating safety, but we're actually just creating an illusion of control. We're teaching our kids that the world is dangerous and really they're incapable of navigating without us. We've got to put all of these protections in place to make sure that they are in this little bubble that we've created for them. And so it's not about never being afraid. Because we see scriptures in the Bible at what time I am afraid, when I am afraid not, I will not be afraid. Although we're commanded to not be afraid. But also scripture acknowledges that it is. It, it is normal as a normal human experience to be afraid to have fear. But it, but God also gives us what we do for that. Now this doesn't mean we're reckless, that we just ignore danger, that we think, okay, well I'm just not gonna be afraid.
Acknowledging Fear: Wisdom, Trust, and God's Power Over Fear in Parenting
I'm not gonna think about that. I'm just gonna pretend bad things don't happen. It means learning to say, hey, being afraid is real. I do feel afraid. But fear doesn't get to be my master. Fear doesn'. We know God is with us, God is trustworthy and we can respond with wisdom. We don't have to hit the panic button every time we hear about a new threat. And I say this verse so often to myself and my kids. 2nd Timothy 1:7. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of self control, a sound mind. And that is a beautiful framework for parenting because we can empower our kids through the power of the Holy Spirit. Not of their own power, not of okay, this is how you can be so wise in this world. But we can help them tap into the power that God has given them to know that they are loved by God and to have a sound mind and self control instead of fear. Because fear isn't always obvious.
Fear Manifestations: Recognizing Control, Anger, Perfectionism, Avoidance, and Reassurance Seeking in Ourselves and Our Children
Sometimes fear looks like control or it looks like anger. That happens all the time. I remember one time losing one of my children in a museum when they were young. It was the first time I had gone out with all four of them. And I remember turning around and one of my kids was gone. And, and he was little. And oh my goodness, I was, I was so afraid. I mean, just absolutely afraid. Just my mind raced a million miles an hour to think of all the horrible things that could happen that might have happened. But when I first was able to find him, I found my son. My first response was anger. Why did you let go of the stroller? I told you not to do that. And so often we do that, but our kids don't interpret that as, oh, well, you were just afraid for me and you care about me. They're like, oh, did something wrong? They're so angry at me. And that fear can look like, also like perfectionism. I'm just going to control everything. As long as it looks perfect, their behavior is perfect, I won't feel as afraid. Sometimes it's just avoidance. We have fear, so we, we don't want to know what's going on because we're afraid of what might happen if we actually did some digging into the heart of the matter. And sometimes it's just constant reassurance seeking. We want our kids to constantly reassure us, like, it's okay, mom, I'm not going to do drugs. No, mom, I'm not going to go off with that person. No, mom, I'm going to do that.
Distinguishing Healthy Caution from Fear-Driven Living: The Impact on Family Culture and Decision-Making
And we have to re. That we want there to reassure our fear. So we need to understand the difference between healthy caution and fear driven living. Because there's a really diff, there's a difference there. One is wisdom and, and one is just anxiety induced. So a fearful family culture. If you have a family culture that's fearful, you focus heavily on what could go wrong. It's constant. But what if? What, what if, what, what if, what, what if? And you make decisions really to just avo or avoid any discomfort. And so often when we have a fear culture, we are primarily using threats to control catastrophic, you know, consequences to motivate behavior. Like, okay, you know, if you do this, oh, you, you know what will happen if you do this? And oh, if you do this, you, you know what can happen? You, you, you could die. You know, we just immediately go to the worst case scenario. And so often, we don't mean it to, but that creates an and it's not about, okay, I'm human. Sometimes I may make a wrong choice. It's, I am, I am wrong, I am stupid, I, I'm dumb, I am unwise. I'm ill equipped.
The Dangers of Fear-Based Communication: Over-Monitoring, Policing, and Equating Obedience with Safety
So we need to, sometimes we communicate like if you don't do this, if you don't do what I say, terrible things are going to happen. And then we over monitor and we create this policing environment where we're watching every text, watching every word, like digging through all their drawers because trusting them just feels unsafe. And we interpr normal childhood mistakes as evidence of this is an impending disaster. You know, they, they have a question about God. Oh great, here we go. They're going to walk away from their faith or, or they make a wrong choice and they hurt their sibling and, and we all of a sudden generalize that one behavioral mistake into a character trait. We equate obedience with safety and questioning with rebellion. So anytime they question, oh, that's a sign of rebellion. No, I expect immediate obedience. And there's some things that, that you should expect that for safety.
Faithful Parenting: Contrasting Fearful Approaches with Trust, Wisdom, and Allowing Children to Experience Challenges
But it's also normal for kids to have questions about why, why is this rule there and what are we going to tell them? And when we are driven by fear, we have difficulty allowing our kids to experience failure, disappointment or uncertainty. Now what's the contrast? What does it mean to not be fearful, to be faithful? It means that we take danger seriously, but we're also not dominated by it. It means we establish wise boundaries and, but we don't communicate constantly that the world is unsafe. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. We teach our kids how to assess risk and respond rather than just find, risk and be instantly afraid. We allow age appropriate responsibility. We correct their behavior without threatening their identity, their security, their self worth, their character. And we talk honestly about difficult things. But we also remind them, hey, this is tough, but God is with you. He will never leave you or forsake you. And we teach our kids that courage and wisdom can coexist with fear.
Control vs. Preparation: Fear's Demand for Certainty vs. Faith's Embrace of Uncertainty and Coaching Children
And we have to learn how to regulate that. But fear drives our desire to control our kids behaviors because it often asks, fear says, okay, how can we make sure this never happens to my kid and never happens to my family? Wisdom says, all right, how can I prepare my child to respond well if they find themselves in this situation? That's a really different parent parenting approach because fear says I'm going to control the environment and faith says I'm going to control the that my kids environment. But I'm also going to cultivate my child's capacity to respond. Fear wants certainty. This will never happen. That's why when you hear of something terrible happening on the news, you hear a terrible story, your mind Instantly goes into this little wheel where you're just going to click through every detail of the story till you find, oh, oh, okay, that's what's different. Nope, oh, I would never do that, or oh, I don't have an addiction or I'm not divorced, or I would never go there. You, you find that place that's different so you can feel safe. Faith learns to live with an appropriate amount of uncertainty. Because we don't, we aren't God. We don't know what our days are, but we know that God remains trustworthy even when we can't control the outcome. And we've got to walk that line of protection and make sure we don't cross it into over protection. Because protection says, right, I'm going to help you learn how to navigate this, how to recognize this, how to avoid risk, and how to respond if you find yourself in there.
Protection vs. Overprotection: Cultivating Resilience and Courage in Children Amidst Life's Difficulties
But overprotection says, I'm going to make sure you never face this ever, that you never have to navigate this. And it's just not possible to eliminate every source of fear or disappointment or difficulty from our kids lives. But we can help cultivate resilience in our kids who know what to do when they are afraid, when life is difficult. And we can, we, we. There's a difference between having children who are cautious and having children who are absolutely controlled and dominated by fear. Because healthy caution could say, okay, there, there may be something dangerous here. I need to think about this, I need to go get help. I need to ask mom and dad about this. But fear says, oh, this is dangerous. I shouldn't have even been here. Why am I, why did I even get here? I must be, I must be a terrible weak person because I'm here and it's just an instant shutdown. But biblical courage doesn't eliminate discernment. It just puts discernment inside a framework of trust. And see in Psalm 56, 3, when I am afraid, not if I am afraid, when I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Trusting God with Fear: Empowering Children to Navigate Difficulties with Faith, Not Parental Guarantees
We can trust God even when the outcome seems scary. Fear may come. But the habit is knowing where do we take that fear? Because our kids don't need us as parents to guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to them. We can't say that they know that that's not true. They know that we can't say that. They need parents who say, I hope that nothing bad ever happens to you and I hope I am able to protect you as much as I possibly can. But when bad things happen, you are not alone. I'm here with you. God will never leave you. Fear doesn't have to make the decisions for us. And so that is an important convict important, distinction. Fear can produce compliance. Like, okay, all right, we'll do all these things, but also not produce conviction at the same time. We can get a kid to stop their behavior because they're afraid of the consequence. And, but that doesn't necessarily teach them why the behavior is wrong, why they shouldn't take a risk, why they shouldn't do it just based on being afraid of what will happen. How do they make a better decision next time? Or how do they regulate themselves when we're not there? What do they do when they feel afraid? When we come back, I'll talk about some of the reasons why fear based strategies are so tempting for parents and m. That is a hard thing because, because we see it and we can get that immediate gratification and how we teach our kids to take their fears to the Lord.
Faithful vs. Fearful Families: The Freedom Found in Trusting God and Next Steps
What do we actually do with that fear? How do we handle it in a healthy way? And we'll talk about next steps for that and what kind of family you're becoming. Are you a fearful family or can you be a faithful family? I've definitely been there and walk those shoes as a fearful mom. It is. There's much more freedom in being faithful. Talk about that when we come back. See you after this break.
Without people like you, this podcast would not exist
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Take You At Your Word by Benjamin William Hastings and Cody Carn: your word is a lamp unto my feet. Your way is the only way for me. It's a narrow road Road that leads to life But I wanna be on it It's a narrow road and the mercy's wide. Cause you're good on your promise I'll take you at your word if you said it, I'll believe it. I've seen how good it works. If you started, you're completed.
Overcoming Generational Brokenness and Fear: Choosing Faith Over Control in Parenting
Dr. Jessica Peck: Welcome back, friends. That is take you at your word by Benjamin William Hastings and Cody Carnes. And that is something that we can do in this world that just seems to give us something to be afraid of every day. And I know when I started off in my journey as a mom, I came from a lot of generational brokenness. And I had a lot of fear because I didn't want that cycle to continue. And I think, but what if, but what if, but what if? And every little broken peace in our relationship, every time there was a little speed bump or just something that threw me off kilter, I would feel that fear just come and paralyze me. Like, okay, this is the moment where my mothering journey derails. This is the moment where we start to plant the seeds of, my kid's going to be on some therapy couch 20 years from now saying, well, it all started back with my mom when I was 6 and how she messed my whole life up. It is so easy for us to be driven by fear. And then we want to control the environment and we want to be God, honestly, because we want to know what's going to happen and then we want to control what's going to happen and make our lives more comfortable. And the truth is we live in a broken world where we don't have a lot of control. And that is a difficult thing. But God has not called us to be fearful. He has called us to be faithful.
The Temptation of Fear-Based Strategies: Immediate Results vs. Character Formation
Now these fear based strategies are so tempting because in light of today, where we're conditioned for immediate gratification, we have absolutely no patience for anything. Even if we're ordering instant food on an app, if it buffers for a second and a half, we're like tapping the app, thinking, why is this taking so long? That's why fear based strategies work, because they produce immediate results. If you do that, you're grounded for life. If you don't listen, you're going to lose everything. If you get caught doing that, you're in big trouble. And sometimes the behavior stops and sometimes the behavior just hides because of fear of those consequences. And we have to ask, okay, what are we actually teaching our kids though, about how to live? Do they learn wisdom? Do they learn self control? Did they develop conviction? Do they learn that it's safe to come to us when they're struggling, when they mess up? Or do they simply learn, don't get caught, because that's going to be bad? Fear might change behavior, but fear is not the same as forming character. And that's really where the difference lies.
Beyond Compliance: Fostering Internal Formation and Choosing Goodness Even When Unseen
Because fear may teach a kid, hey, avoid consequences. And they're not thinking on that in a really sophisticated way. They're not thinking, oh, okay, well, I want to engage in this sin and I want to do it fully, without any conviction. And so I'm going to make sure my parents don't know about it, no, they're just thinking at a very primitive level, like, I don't want to get in trouble. Because that's how their brains are programmed to think. They program to avoid punishment. That's why when a little kid comes up to you with cake all over their face and you say, did you eat the cake? And they say, no, I didn't eat the cake. It's obvious they ate the cake. But they're just trying in their very primitive way to avoid consequences. We've got to teach them to choose what is good when no nobody is watching. So our goal isn't compliance, it's that, and to externally have all the behaviors that we want. It's internal formation where they know how to self regulate. They know what is right and they want to choose it even when nobody is making them. And fear actually can undermine the behavior we're trying to cultivate in them, the character we're trying to cultivate.
The Consequences of Fear: Hiding Truth, Avoiding Help, and the Power of God's Mercies
Because if a child believes telling the truth is going to result in the most scary, unbearable consequences, they're going to hide the truth. If a teenager believes that revealing a mistake will result in shame and they're afraid of that, they might stop acting, asking for help. And if a child believes failure if they fail, that their parents aren't going to love them anymore. And listen, as parents, we think, how could they think that? I've given my life for them. I tell them I love them all the time. There's still that little fear that's there. my parents may not love me anymore. And they may just try to be as perfect as they can or just avoid challenges so that they don't fail and just play it safe. And if a teenager believes that their parent is just going to panic about everything they disclose, they just stop disclosing it and think that's, that's not a pathway to talk about. So our response to mistakes matter so much. It cannot be from a place of our fear. It's got to be from a place of truth telling our kids it's okay to tell the truth. Here we can bring hard things into the light. God's mercies are new every morning.
Building Relationships on Love, Not Fear: Boundaries Without Intimidation and Consequences Without Humiliation
There is mercy at the foot of the cross. There is redemption. And my parents may correct me, they may discipline me, they may give me guardrails, and, and they may give me restrictions, but they won't abandon me. They won't leave me. And first Jon 4:18 tells us there's no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear. So that doesn't mean we don't have consequences because there's still consequences for us from the Lord. It means that fear is not the foundation we're building our relationship on. We're having boundaries without intimidation. We're having consequences, consequences without humiliation in the process. We're saying no without saying, you're not safe with me. And so those things are really important. We want our kids to be connected. That is an antidote to fear. You're loved, and I'm here with you no matter what. We want them to be convicted.
Conviction Over Fear: Understanding Guilt vs. Shame and the Fear of the Lord
That's an antidote to fear. Okay, let's understand why this matters, why we can feel guilty about what we did without shame for who we are. And consequences are part of that. Choices have consequence. That's normal. Choices have consequences. We're going to help you learn from this. It really sounds so simple, but just a, reframing instead of, you know, oh, I can't believe you did that. And then we're afraid that this means they're just about to walk into juvenile delinquency. And so we put the fear of God into them. We. We hear that phrase all the time, like, I will make them afraid. Afraid. Well, there's a little bit of healthy respect that can happen. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of. Of knowledge. And. And our kids can have a healthy respect of us, and they. They can have a fear of what happens because it's normal to fear the consequences. We don't want to see those in our lives.
Raising Kids Who Choose Right: Moving Beyond Threats to Internal Motivation and Taking Fears to God
But that's very different from, you know, oh, you better not ever do this. And if this happens, I'm going to threaten you into compliance. We don't want to raise kids who are afraid enough to behave and to do what we want. We want to raise kids who are afraid of what happens when you don't tell the truth, who are afraid of what happens when you don't have the wisdom to make good decisions, and who are grounded enough to do what is right even when we're not beside them. Now, we can teach our kids to take their fears to God, that it is normal to have fears, that we have fears too. So what do we do with that fear? We don't shame our kids for being afraid. We don't say, you don't need to be scared. There's nothing to be scared of. We can say, okay, but we don't respond to every fear. Also, by immediately just removing any source of discomfort, we can teach a biblical pattern. We're going to name it, Name that fear. Say, yeah, you know what? I am Afraid. I do have a fear here.
Naming and Discerning Fears: Distinguishing Real Danger from Anticipated Worries
We're going to bring it to God, and we're going to discern it to act wisely and trust God. So naming your fear instead of don't worry about it, say, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid might happen? Many times when you talk through that, like, okay, well, I'm afraid that, you know, I'm going to. I'm going to flop when I get up to do my. My presentation at. And everybody's gonna make fun of me and nobody's gonna like me, and I'm gonna fail the class. You can say, all right, well, is that really true? Is that really going to happen? How can we set you up for success? How can we make sure we practice? What are things that we can do to support you for being successful? What part of it feels scary when you feel that fear? Where are you putting that fear in your body? Is it in your head? Is it in your chest? Is it in your gut? Because you're putting that fear somewhere, and that's gonna impact you. What are you imagining might happen right now? And. And is that something. Is it really happening? Or is that something that you're worried, worried, might happen? Teaching our kids to distinguish between what is the real, the real and present danger and what is just danger, that's theoretical. What's the danger that you're anticipating?
Prayer and Trust: Separating Control from God's Sovereignty in Managing Fears
There's a difference between those. And we bring that free fear into the presence of God. We teach our kids, hey, prayer is not just for emergencies. That's where we take our fears. And Philippians gives us this pattern. Do not be anxious about any in anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God so we can say, okay, God, here's what I'm afraid of. This is what I wish would happen. This is what I'm afraid is going to happen. Please help me know what I can do. Help me trust you with what I can't control. That is separating. Okay, what can we control versus what we cannot control? And that may be one of the most practical things that we can teach. So, okay, what is it within your control in this situation? You're afraid in this situation? What can you do? Can you tell the truth? Can you ask for help? Can you practice a skill? Can you apologize? Can you set a boundary? Can you walk away? Can you reach out to a trusted adult? Can you pray about it? Can you get more sleep? You can prepare for the test. You can report behavior that feels unsafe. What is within your control. And then I want to fully empower you to walk in that, to have control in that situation. But then ask, okay, what is it in this situation that belongs to God? What do I have to release to God? I have to release other people's choices. I may do everything right in this situation, and other people still may make a wrong choice. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I have to release that to God.
Lighthouse Parenting: Coaching Children Through Difficulties with Agency and Courage
Every possible outcome, whether other people like me, whether someone understands me, or whether I get something I feel like I've deserved, or things that are just what is outside of my control. We know that God is ultimately in control, and our instinct as parents is to immediately rescue them. But a better approach is coaching them. And we can do that. I really love the analogy of lighthouse parenting, where our kids are out on those cultural currents and we are just unchanging, unshaking, just shining the light into the darkness. And we can coach them. So instead of saying, I'll fix it. I'll, I'll. I'll do everything for you. We can really coach them. Like, okay, what do you think you can do in this situation? What does wisdom look like in this situation? Who can help you? What part of this is in your control? What, what, what do you want me to help you think through first? And it really just help them to have agency and courage in the moment. What does it look like to, do it even when you're scared? What are ways that we can set you up for success? Because courage is not the absence of fear. It's the presence of, is acting in the presence of it.
Courage in the Presence of Fear: Trusting God's Presence Through Life's Challenges
And one of the most important messages we can give our kids is, hey, you can be, you can feel afraid, and you can still act brave. Courage is not okay. I'm not scared. It's. I'm, m scared. But I'm going to try to do the wise thing anyway. I'm going to try to follow God anyway. I'm going to trust God anyway. I'm going to be faithful with what he has given us. And Joshua 1, verse 9 captures this so beautifully. Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord, your God will be with you wherever you go. And sometimes we have to send our kids into a situation where they're scared, and we really wish that we didn't.
Normalizing Fear: Understanding Its Place in Development and When to Seek Further Attention
But sometimes that, that is, maybe they're scared in a social situation at school. Maybe they're scared in a relationship, situation. If they are going between households in the situation of divorce. Sometimes our kids have to do things, and. And we hate that they're afraid, but we can tell them, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. And we can be courageous, not because we can control the outco, because we know God is with us. And I do want to say, too, that not every fear is a mental health problem. Not every feeling of anxiousness is a mental health issue. And kids feel that now we start talking about mental health, and they think anytime they feel afraid or anxious, like, well, do I have anxiety? Fear is a normal human emotion.
Identifying Concerning Fears: Persistence, Impairment, and Psychosomatic Reactions Warranting Professional Attention
It's a normal developmental response. And kids may be afraid of the dark, and they may be afraid of unfamiliar people, schools and storms and medical procedures, social rejection, any number of things kids can be afraid of. Sometimes the fears are funny and small, and sometimes they're really big. Sometimes they come and go and. But let me tell you, with reassurance, with support, with developmentally appropriate guidance, children generally do regain their sense of security. So it's not just is my child afraid, but is this fear persistent? Is it disproportionate to the situation that we have? Is it impairing their ability to function every day? Or is it connected to something, maybe traumatic, that happened to my child? So things that warrant closer attention are fears that are persisting or getting worse rather than gradually improving, fears that are interfering with their ability to function during the day. They can't sleep, they can't go to school, Their friendships are affected, your family life is affected. They're not eating as they should. Maybe they're eating less or eating more, and they just can't do those things they enjoy. And so now they're avoiding things that they love. These are things that really warrant closer attention. And a good place to go would be your primary healthcare provider to kind of differentiate what's physical and what's beyond the realm of that normal human response to fear. Because if kids are afraid, they don't often look just afraid, like a cartoon where they're just shaking. They can have a psychosomatic reaction where the fear is a way of the brain's ability to process an emotion through the body. So it can present as, stomach aches or headaches or sleep problems or pain somewhere. And if there is a really big change, then that's something and it's impacting your daily life, Then you should talk to somebody about that.
Emergent Concerns: Self-Harm, Substance Use, and Hopelessness Requiring Immediate Help
Whether it's a counselor, a primary healthcare provider, that's a sign that it is beyond the realm of what is developmentally normal. And of course, anytime it is accompanied by thoughts of self harm or substance use and hopelessness, futurelessness. Any of those, those kinds of things are emergent. That is an emergency. You really need to get some help for that.
Faith and Professional Care: Combining Trust in God with Seeking Health and Counsel
So normal fear is going to be okay. I don't want to go to this social gathering at my friend's house because I'm nervous and I don't, I don't know, you know, how I don't like being in somebody else's house. A concerning pattern would be I'm terrified something terrible is going to happen. I can't sleep and you know, I can't think. One calls for just connection, reassurance, some preparation, some gradual support. But the other says, okay, this is beyond. What we have is normal for this situation we need. You don't have to choose between faith and professional care. You can have both. You can trust God and you can seek health.
Strengthening Faith: Connection, Safety, and Addressing Fears with Wisdom and Counsel
Proverbs 15:22 says, without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed. So we don't want to tell our kids, just don't be afraid. Have more faith. We're going to help them strengthen that faith through feelings of safety and connection. When we come back, we'll talk more about fear and I'll talk about some of the fears online and home front headlines, what you need to do about it. I'll be right back.
Dr. Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary The God Who Speaks
Doctor Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary the God who Speaks. One of the things that a pastor has to do on a Sunday when he gets, up in the pulpit is let people know that the reading and the exposition of scripture is the most important thing that's going to happen to them that week. If the pastor has not communicated to his people with the very first sentence that comes out of his mouth on a Sunday morning that this is the most important thing you're going to hear that week. The pastor has failed in his job. Secondly, the pastor needs to preach in a way that helps people to read the Bible for themselves. Now, to clarify that the purpose of preaching is not primarily to help people read the Bible for themselves. It's to expand scripture and to confront them with the call of God on their lives. But a byproduct of that should be helping people to handle the word of God responsibly For themselves, visit thegodwhospeaks.org
Jericho by Andrew Ripp: I've been stacking up the years I spent trading punches with the enemy. Oo bu myself a double thick stone, tower last higher than the. I can say trapped in my flesh and bone, crying out to your love I'm desperate love comes rattle this cage and set me free all of my fears lies Jericho walls Gotta calm down calm down all of my fears like Jericho walls Gotta calm down calm down My prison turns to ruin Way your love moves it all of my fe like Jericho got to calm down Calm
Dr. Jessica Peck: down calm down welcome back, friends. That is Jericho by Andrew Ripp
Choosing Faith Over Fear: Naming and Addressing Our Fears, Big and Small
Don't you wish that is what would happen to our fears? We're talking about choosing intentionally to be faithful and not fearful. It is normal to have fear, and there are certainly things in the world to be afraid of. But are we intentionally cultivating, in our case, kids to be faithful? When we do feel fearful, when that fear comes up, really there you can say, okay, what am I afraid of? Just name it without any shame. It's okay to be afraid of things. Sometimes they're silly and small, and sometimes they're really big and really scary. Name that fear. Sometimes it's hard for us to even name what we're afraid of. Maybe we're afraid we're irritable. We kind of feel that joy, general fear when our kids are making poor choices. But then maybe if we're really honest with ourselves, we think, I'm afraid that they're going to make the same mistakes that I made. I'm afraid that they're going down a road that is really painful here. I'm afraid that I.
Transforming Fear into Faith: Trusting God's Truth and Taking Wise, Controlled Actions
My parenting response and this is inadequate. And I don't know who to tell about that name that fear. And then when we change that to faith, we think, okay, what do we know about God? What is true about God? Even in this situation, God is here with me. God is trustworthy. God sees me. God is not surprised by this situation. God cares about me. God gives wisdom. So, okay, if I know that, I know I'm afraid, but I know these truths about God, what's the next wise thing that I can do? What is one action that is within my control? Maybe if I'm afraid that I'm really messing this up as a parent, I need to seek some help, seek some wise counsel. Maybe I need to invest in a parenting class. Maybe if it's. I'm afraid that I. That they are going to go down the road that I'm going down, maybe that's a road that you need to revisit what it is. So if your kid is scared, okay, nobody's going to sit with me at lunch. All right? That's.
Teaching Emotional Regulation: What to Do When Fear Arises, Not How to Prevent It
That's understandable. You know that God is with you. But what's something that you can do. Because I'm afraid. I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be made fun of. I won't have any friends. God is with me. My worth isn't determined by whether somebody lets me sit at their lunch table. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I can ask someone if I can sit with them. I can ask someone to sit with me. That is, that turns that abstract theological concept of being faithful into an actual habit of discipleship and teaching emotional regulation. Because the question isn't how do we keep our kids from being afraid? The better question is how do we teach our kids what to do when they are afraid?
Facing Life's Challenges with Faith: God's Presence and Parental Support Offer More Than Guarantees
Because fear is going to come. There's going to be a hard diagnosis, there's going to be a broken relationship, there will be college decisions, there will be rejection, rejection, failure, disappointment, temptation, grief, uncertainty. All of these things can make us afraid. But our kids don't need to promise us, to promise them. Nothing like that's ever going to happen to you. We can give them something far more valuable. Whatever happens, God is with you. You don't have to face it alone. We are going to walk with you. We will learn together how to respond with wisdom and courage and faith.
A Faithful Family Culture: Not Denying Fear, But Bringing It to God and Taking Faithful Steps
And that family habit because becomes we're not fear deniers. We don't say it's not okay to be afraid, but we don't worship fear either. We don't let fear make our decisions. We don't let fear have the final word. We bring our fear to God. We seek wisdom and we take the next faithful step. And we're going to trust him with what we cannot control. Being unafraid doesn't mean we raise kids who are fearless. It means raising, raising kids who know where to take their fear and how to turn it into faith. That is really important.
Online Threats and Real Risks: The Dangers Lurking in the Digital Environment
And when we look at the headlines today, we see plenty of things to be afraid of, especially online threats. I'll be honest with you all. A lot of these headlines that I read myself, I have a lot of fear. I have a lot of fear for kids. Because the enemy is like a prowling lion going around to see who he can divide, devour. And that has never been more true in the online environment. And I'm seeing all kinds of very real risks that are there. And if your child is engaging online in any way, in any way, shape or form, whether it's a website, whether it's a streaming platform, whether it's social media, whether it's gaming, there is risk in that online environment. It is not a risk free environment. Now if we take all those environments away, unless they're living in a bunker, there is still, there's still risk of secondhand exposure.
Sextortion and Exploitation: How Predators Target Kids Online and the Devastating Consequences
And some of the things that we're seeing are really tough. So I want to give an advisory before I go on. I'm going to talk about some things that are pretty tough. I want you to adjust your listening audience and make sure that there's no little ears around because these are tough things that we need to talk about, but things I want to make sure that parents are aware of. I've talked about this before, but one thing that I do have some fears about is something called sextortion. Now this is increasing, we're seeing increasing reports of this now. What is this? What does this mean? This means getting a kid online and somehow tricking them into giving some sort of explicit message, a video, an audio, a photograph. And then all of a sudden when I have that, then extorting them for money or for more of that same kind of content. And this is happening there rings in other countries, the FBI has talked about this, who are intentionally targeting American kids on social media because they know so many of them don't have privacy settings on their social media. So it's really easy to get a lot of open source information. So I can know where you go to school, I can know who your teachers are, your principal, I know who your parents, friends are, I know where you go to church, all of these things. So that makes it easy because once they have this material, then they can say, I, I'm going to show this to everybody, you know, and look, I'm already friends with them because so many of us don't think about who you know. You just let somebody into your social media or your public and they think, I have all of this.
The Escalation of Online Harm: From Poor Choices to Suicidal Thoughts and Developmental Naivety
Now I've seen a lot of case reports where really, really good kids, it seems like good kids can make really poor choices and this can escalate from absolutely no contact to just a matter of hours, just a matter of few hours where kids are feeling so afraid of what they have done impulsively and quickly on such a large platform that all of a sudden they're at the point where they think, I can't see going forward in this kind of shame. And they will contemplate or even engage in actions to end their own life. Now that is something, let me tell you, that can put fear in our hearts and straight down to our toes, really feel that. And that is really hard because we see that predators are going to exploit that developmental naivety. Sometimes they think, oh, I'm just, you know, I'm just interacting with a peer. And I'm really flattered. This person looks really attractive because they don't think like, oh, that could be a, extortion gang from another country. Kids are developmentally wired to think in black and white. So if you are, you say who you are, you think that they are the who they say they are. And then this is where fear based strategies don't work.
Navigating Online Risks: Understanding Disappearing Messages, Geolocation, and Privacy Settings
When we hear stories like this, we, we will, if they're old enough, we might send them a news story and say, oh my gosh, you have to look out for these predators. They're everywhere. This is so scary. Don't ever do this. We really got to talk about, okay, what in my online life is putting me at risk here? Where can I be wise? Where can I put more protections in place? What can I know? Because we see, see that. And online we can see disappearing messages that create a false sense of privacy. If you say it disappears, it disappears. I don't think a thing is about screenshots or data miners that take that right when it's posted. And even if it disappears, it still exists on a third party platform. We don't think about automatic, features that give geolocation to tell where I am. And now all of a sudden this person knows where I am because I didn't know to look, look at the terms of use and to realize it's on default to be public.
Learning and Doing Better: Empowering Ourselves and Our Children in the Digital Age
Those things that can feel really bad and that can bring a lot of shame because you think, why was I so dumb? Why did I do this? And we just have to realize that we are navigating a really tough environment and we do the best we can with what we know. And when we know more, we do better. So this is, this is really important to talk about online access, online threats that can happen.
AI-Generated Abuse Material and Evolving Extortion Tactics: The Harmful Impact
And when we see things especially like sextortion, one of the things that is complicating that is the generation of AI child abuse materials. Now there was a recent court decision that came out that said that that generation of AI AI generated child sexual abuse materials was considered free speech. Now obviously I'm going to severely disagree with that. And what we see is, oh, well, that doesn't harm anybody because that's not real. Well, it does harm people because for one thing, what we believe it likely happened as many of those models were trained on real abuse. And what we see is that even extortionists can come now with publicly gathered photos of our children off of the Internet that are just run through an everyday app that will remove their clothes or do something that is abusive in nature. And then all of a sudden they send this picture. I have this video of you. It's not, not me, but it sure looks like me. And it has the same effect as me.
The Cycle of Fear and Secrecy: Why Kids Hide Online Encounters from Parents
And we know that the more that there is demand, the more there's going to supply. And demand is a real thing. The more we have demand for more materials, the more there will be a demand for supply of real people. And that is really, really hard. And there's this powerful cycle that happens in online and online environments. I've seen it before where I've talked to groups of 8th grade graders who usually when I talk to them, almost all of them have encountered something uncomfortable online where someone has approached them, has said something inappropriate to them, has flat out propositioned them. But most of them don't tell their parents why because their fear is not that something bad is going to happen to them online. Their fear is their parents going to take the gaming system away or that they're going to take away the access that they have so they are not going to have their phone. So they think, okay, that was, was uncomfortable, but you know, I managed it okay. And my greater fear is social isolation.
The Power of Shame: How Fear of Consequences Leads to Secrecy and Exploitation
Not, you know, they, they're programmed to think, yeah, I know bad things happen in the world, but not to me. Kids have that feeling of invincibility. Now that is a God given thing because we want kids to take risks. We want them to grow stronger physically, emotionally, relationally. And if they were never programmed to take risk, then they would never grow up and become autonomous, self functioning, healthy adults. So that is important. But the powerful cycle that we see here is fear that leads to secrecy. Okay, Fear often, okay, I, I'm afraid of this. I'm afraid of what happened. But I better not tell anybody because I automatically feel ashamed. I think I did something wrong. I am something wrong. They don't even have language to just discover it. And then it's compliance, like, okay, you better do what I, I say. And then that leads to greater exploitation.
Building a Safe Haven: Creating a Family Culture Where Kids Can Share Anything Without Fear
So that is really important. Shame is such a powerful wedding, a powerful weapon. It is a very, very powerful weapon Because a teenager may think, my mom, they literally think this language. And I hate that I even think about it. It seems so dramatic. But we say that like, my mom's going to kill me, like literally going to kill me. My dad is going to take my phone away. Everybody at school is going to see this, I've ruined my life. And that fear can keep a child from asking for help. So the family relationship itself becomes part of the safety protection strategy. So we need to tell our kids these, These specific things. You can always tell me anything. You can tell me the worst thing you've ever done, the worst mistake you've ever made. You can tell me anytime you get in trouble, even if you think it's your own fault. And our first conversation is going to be about making sure that you're safe, not shaming you.
Empowering Digital Literacy: Equipping Kids with Wisdom and Discernment Online
There may be some guardrails, there may be some, some limitations that you have, some protections that we put in place. But my job is to keep you safe. And I want you to always come to me with anything. And the goal isn't just to police them and to monitor them more. Our kids need to. We need to put that in place. We need to have protections in place, but they need to be empowered in those online environments. They need digital literacy. They need to know how to evaluate, evaluate, an influencer that they're following, a platform that they're engaging on to think, is this a safe place for me to be? And how do I know this person, this platform, this service is trustworthy?
Recognizing Grooming and Replacing Fear with Wisdom, Connection, and Courage
Do I understand and recognize when people who are unsafe come into my life because they don't come in and grab you and put you in the scary white van in the, in the parking lot. They compliment you, they tell you how great you are, they admire you. That is grooming. And kids need to know about that. So we start with truth, not with panic. We're going to replace fear with wisdom, connection, and healthy relationships and biblical courage. Knowing that I may feel afraid, but God is with me. The inner, the fear is going to say, oh, my gosh, the Internet is evil. Everyone online is dangerous. But instead, faith calls us to see that. Okay, God gives me wisdom. God gives me discernment. We see that. Proverbs 22:3. I love this verse.
Prudence Over Panic: Discernment Allows Wise Response, Not Fearful Avoidance
It says, the prudence sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it. We can be prudent. Discernment is not fear. It's seeing danger clearly enough to respond wisely. To know that my parents are going to be there for me. That's so important. You should make. Tell me more powerful than don't do it. Tell me. If somebody says something, just say, okay. Tell me more about what happened. Tell me everything that happened and we will get it through. Together. We will get through it together. We can build a family culture where our kids don't have to hide when they're in trouble.
Bearing Burdens Together: Creating a Family Culture Where Kids Can Share Their Stories
They know when I'm in trouble, I go home. That's where I go. I go to my parents and we can bear one another's burdens and in so doing fulfill the law of Christ. If our kids have something scary happen, say this is part of of your story. It doesn't get to define who you are.
Hope for the Future: Trusting God's Control and Peace Instead of Fear
Our goal is to raise kids who know that God is with them and we know who holds the future. No matter what the future holds, I encourage you as you are working in all the things that the Lord will bless you and keep you and make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you and give you peace instead of fear. See you next time.
Thank You to Preborn and Sponsors: Supporting Young Moms and Continuing God's Good Work
We'd like to thank our sponsors, including PreBorn. PreBorn has rescued over 400,000 babies from abortion and has seen over 100,000 commitments to Christ. Will you join PreBorn in continuing this good work supporting young moms in crisis? Save a life today. Go to preborn.com/AFR the views and
Jeff Chamblee: opinions expressed in this broadcast may not necessarily reflect those of the American Family association or American Family Radio. M.
Jessica talks about this week's habit of being unafraid. She also discusses this week's Homefront Headlines.
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Chapters:
(00:00) We would like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, PreBorn
(01:46) Welcome to the Dr. Nurse Mama Show: Prescribing Hope for Healthy Families on American Family Radio
(02:11) Reflecting on the Year's Themes: Family Faith, Communication, Safety, and Healthy Habits
(02:53) Navigating Fear in a Culture Driven by Fear: Understanding Legitimate Concerns and Information Overload
(04:03) The Pervasive Fear of 'What If': How Parental Anxiety Creates a Fear-Soaked Family Ecosystem
(05:26) Fear's Impact on Parenting: Over-Control and the Illusion of Safety vs. True Resilience
(06:47) Acknowledging Fear: Wisdom, Trust, and God's Power Over Fear in Parenting
(07:50) Fear Manifestations: Recognizing Control, Anger, Perfectionism, Avoidance, and Reassurance Seeking in Ourselves and Our Children
(09:11) Distinguishing Healthy Caution from Fear-Driven Living: The Impact on Family Culture and Decision-Making
(10:27) The Dangers of Fear-Based Communication: Over-Monitoring, Policing, and Equating Obedience with Safety
(11:18) Faithful Parenting: Contrasting Fearful Approaches with Trust, Wisdom, and Allowing Children to Experience Challenges
(12:20) Control vs. Preparation: Fear's Demand for Certainty vs. Faith's Embrace of Uncertainty and Coaching Children
(13:45) Protection vs. Overprotection: Cultivating Resilience and Courage in Children Amidst Life's Difficulties
(14:50) Trusting God with Fear: Empowering Children to Navigate Difficulties with Faith, Not Parental Guarantees
(16:19) Faithful vs. Fearful Families: The Freedom Found in Trusting God and Next Steps
(16:47) Without people like you, this podcast would not exist
(18:06) Overcoming Generational Brokenness and Fear: Choosing Faith Over Control in Parenting
(19:25) The Temptation of Fear-Based Strategies: Immediate Results vs. Character Formation
(20:32) Beyond Compliance: Fostering Internal Formation and Choosing Goodness Even When Unseen
(21:37) The Consequences of Fear: Hiding Truth, Avoiding Help, and the Power of God's Mercies
(22:43) Building Relationships on Love, Not Fear: Boundaries Without Intimidation and Consequences Without Humiliation
(23:39) Conviction Over Fear: Understanding Guilt vs. Shame and the Fear of the Lord
(24:33) Raising Kids Who Choose Right: Moving Beyond Threats to Internal Motivation and Taking Fears to God
(25:30) Naming and Discerning Fears: Distinguishing Real Danger from Anticipated Worries
(26:36) Prayer and Trust: Separating Control from God's Sovereignty in Managing Fears
(28:06) Lighthouse Parenting: Coaching Children Through Difficulties with Agency and Courage
(29:17) Courage in the Presence of Fear: Trusting God's Presence Through Life's Challenges
(29:59) Normalizing Fear: Understanding Its Place in Development and When to Seek Further Attention
(30:48) Identifying Concerning Fears: Persistence, Impairment, and Psychosomatic Reactions Warranting Professional Attention
(32:44) Emergent Concerns: Self-Harm, Substance Use, and Hopelessness Requiring Immediate Help
(33:06) Faith and Professional Care: Combining Trust in God with Seeking Health and Counsel
(33:45) Strengthening Faith: Connection, Safety, and Addressing Fears with Wisdom and Counsel
(34:15) Dr. Carl Trueman from the American Family Studios documentary The God Who Speaks
(36:13) Choosing Faith Over Fear: Naming and Addressing Our Fears, Big and Small
(37:11) Transforming Fear into Faith: Trusting God's Truth and Taking Wise, Controlled Actions
(38:07) Teaching Emotional Regulation: What to Do When Fear Arises, Not How to Prevent It
(38:43) Facing Life's Challenges with Faith: God's Presence and Parental Support Offer More Than Guarantees
(39:18) A Faithful Family Culture: Not Denying Fear, But Bringing It to God and Taking Faithful Steps
(39:51) Online Threats and Real Risks: The Dangers Lurking in the Digital Environment
(40:48) Sextortion and Exploitation: How Predators Target Kids Online and the Devastating Consequences
(42:25) The Escalation of Online Harm: From Poor Choices to Suicidal Thoughts and Developmental Naivety
(43:37) Navigating Online Risks: Understanding Disappearing Messages, Geolocation, and Privacy Settings
(44:31) Learning and Doing Better: Empowering Ourselves and Our Children in the Digital Age
(44:55) AI-Generated Abuse Material and Evolving Extortion Tactics: The Harmful Impact
(45:57) The Cycle of Fear and Secrecy: Why Kids Hide Online Encounters from Parents
(46:52) The Power of Shame: How Fear of Consequences Leads to Secrecy and Exploitation
(47:44) Building a Safe Haven: Creating a Family Culture Where Kids Can Share Anything Without Fear
(48:35) Empowering Digital Literacy: Equipping Kids with Wisdom and Discernment Online
(49:16) Recognizing Grooming and Replacing Fear with Wisdom, Connection, and Courage
(50:01) Prudence Over Panic: Discernment Allows Wise Response, Not Fearful Avoidance
(50:36) Bearing Burdens Together: Creating a Family Culture Where Kids Can Share Their Stories
(50:55) Hope for the Future: Trusting God's Control and Peace Instead of Fear
(51:21) Thank You to Preborn and Sponsors: Supporting Young Moms and Continuing God's Good Work
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